Mind Rape
by LusciousNesha
Summary: Old story, reposted: Spock and Nyota face the biggest challenge that their relationship has ever come in contact with after a cruel game by hostile aliens leaves Nyota physically harmed and traumatized, having used the best possible weapon to do so... Spock. Trigger Warning: Rape.
1. Plato's Stepchildren

_**Trigger Warning: This story features rape... I don't know how many of my current readers read this story the first time that I posted it, years ago before I deleted everything and disappeared, but since then, I have removed the brutal rape scene which was originally written in it. It was hard for a lot of people to swallow, and when I deleted the story, my friend, who saved all of my work didn't wish to save that particular part. It was hard enough for me to write the first time, so I won't try to re-write it, but if y'all have seen Plato's Stepchildren on TOS, the rape in this story occurs during that particular set of events. It's kinda like if that episode met an episode of Spartacus:Blood and Sand... It was extremely hard to take, but now - the rape is only spoken of in mentioning later on in the story (or throughout the story, its been a while since I read this). VERY DARK THEMES. VERY DARK!**_

_* I will try to work on Earth: The Only Home I Have Left when I can, but I figured that I might not finish it anytime soon and I wanted to have all of my old stories reposted before the new Star Trek movie comes out, so that when the new fanfiction starts, all of these oldies won't seem as out of place as they might by then.._

**Plato's Stepchildren**

Three months after their second return to the starship Enterprise, three months after their daughter's one year birthday, three months after spending one year on Earth, bringing the girl, Sanaa, up around a planet mostly inhabited by humans, and allowing Sytar and Styik to live among them, as well... a terrible situation arose for Spock and Nyota...

They had decided to take their time away from the ship for Sanaa's development on Earth, mutually agreeing that New Vulcan had not been very beneficial for their marriage. Earth, however, had proven to help not only their marriage, but their family relationship substantially. Spock had allowed himself more expressions of public affections, towards his wife and his children, particularly his baby girl, who looked even more like her mother than their firstborn, Sytar, but slowly and steadily was becoming more and more like him. Nyota thought it funny that Sytar had given her the least problems during pregnancy, but was now a certainly mischievous and rather hyper three year old. Sanaa did not let her have a moment's peace for the nine months that she carried her, the twelve hours she was in labor, or the first three months of life, which she spent crying shrilly, something that Sytar hardly ever did as a baby; however, from four months until even now, Sanaa was extremely calm and usually not emotional.

Crew members joked that she was "Spock's daughter", a joke that Spock resented, as of course she was his daughter. She had come forth from Nyota, she was clearly partially Vulcan, and Nyota was his wife, and only shared herself with him in that way... Nyota had to explain that they meant it as it related to their personalities. Their eldest son, a son by adoption, but their son, no less, Styik, was more like Spock, as well. He was not very much like Spock, but like him in many ways of Vulcan, as he was half Vulcan and half Romulan. Styik had recently turned twelve, and was a figure of authority for his brother and sister, particularly, his brother. There were times when Nyota tried to handle Sytar, in which he ignored her, but when Styik took over the situation, the child hastened to obey. Sytar had become a very good speaker, and sometimes was too outspoken, a trait that he surely developed from his mother, but may have been honed by watching his brother (and role model) as well. Styik often had to silence the toddler.

Sanaa hardly said anything. For a while, Spock and Nyota wondered if she had been exposed to too much nonverbal communication, and therefore apt not to learn spoken communication, but every now and then, shed did speak, and from the few times that she did, they both could tell that not only could she speak, but she had a better grasp of it than Sytar had at her age. She had a more Vulcan grasp on it, as she seemed to have on most things, past her crying as a young infant.  
Sytar's hair was very curly, and they generally kept it cut short, but Sanaa's hair grew in tighter, even softer curls, and became "the cutest little afro" that Nyota had ever seen. She had allowed Sytar's hair to grow into one until she had gotten pregnant with Sanaa. That pregnancy was too rough on her for her to maintain Sytar's curly hair. Now, Sanaa's hair was always worn in two puffs on the sides of her head, and was evergrowing. Styik kept his hair long, as well. He wore his black and gray strands slick back into a ponytail, and made it known that he had no intention of cutting his hair, at all. Nyota did not mind it, and Spock did not seem to mind it, either. Nyota herself had taken to wearing shorter hair. She had hers cut to her shoulders shortly after Sanaa's birth. That little girl had been life altering. Of course, the arrival of all of her children had been, but Sanaa had been the most difficult to get used to, and now, she caused the least trouble.

Sanaa was Spock's pride and joy, although it was never stated, Nyota would see him with her, helping her to do something, or speaking to her, gently about something that he was explaining, and Nyota would smile, every time, although neither Spock or their baby girl were smiling about the cute and obviously intimate moments. Sanaa had darker skin than Sytar, but she was not dark, necessarily. Nyota described the girl as "caramel", but Spock rejected the description, refuting that caramel served as a flavoring, not as a color, and he did not particularly wish to have his daughter described as a flavoring. Nyota had laughed, to his displeasure, then explained that she was laughing at the fact that eventually, someday, Sanaa would be interested in a boy, and judging by his actions, Spock would probably behave "worse than a human man" about the issue. Spock defended that unless Sanaa somehow went through Pon Farr that she would be an adult before ever attempting to unite with a young man, and that when she is an adult, her decisions would be hers to make. Then, pointed out that it was not likely she would experience Pon Farr, as he had yet to experience it, now being in his thirties, and that if she met a man in her adult life, he was confident that he would be a man of logic.

They had several such conversations about their daughter's future. Their sons, not so many. Nyota gathered that Spock had a sexist undetone to his beliefs, even if he did not think so, because he seemed far less concerned about the boys in similar regards. He credited it to being able to deduce about them already. Styik had a bond mate. She was Vulcan, and autistic, but she existed. Styik had made what he felt to be a logical decision in selecting her. Sytar would most likely choose a human mate, much later in the future. Spock deduced from Sytar's love of social interaction and affection that if he did ultimately select a Vulcan, she would be a Vulcan of passion. Since leaving New Vulcan after Sytar's first year of life, Spock had become more sensitive about using the phrase "Vulcans of passion", rather than "Vulcans without logic". Even on Earth, where they really were not exposed to many Vulcans, at all.

Now, they were back on the ship. Nyota was slimmer, again, but more voluptuous than she had been when she and Spock married, a change that Spock informed her through transmission of emotions was not only not minded, but actually preferred. Spock and her relationship was the best that it had ever been. They had gone through a lot together, and gotten over much, much more. As far as either of them were concerned, nothing would ever be able to come between them, because their imaginations did not foresee anything that could be any worse than anything that they had already experienced. Then came the situation.

Spock had hoped that this particular "adventure" would never happen in his timeline. Many things did not, and many of the things which they faced had never happened to his alternate Spock. But, when it did happen, though he was uncomfortable, he was not prepared for the extreme terror and horror that the Platonians were going to put himself, his friends, and most importantly, his wife through.

Being under someone else's control made him angry, but he could not prepare himself for the emotions that he felt after the wretched Platonians heard Kirk apologizing for the kiss they were forcing between the Captain and Uhura. "Why would your Captain apologize to YOU, for kissing another member of the crew?" Philana asked, amused.  
Parmen responded, "Oh, do you not see it? He is a rather particular creature, but I believe that it is evident, especially through the human woman... there is a lover's connection between the two.."

Their taunts echoed in Spock's head. The joyful way that they made them switch partners. Kirk was going to violate Nurse Chapel instead, and then, Spock was forcing his wife down, powerless to stop himself from harming her. Desperate to the point of begging, his Vulcan pride shattered by his lack of mastery over himself, and the Platonians disregard for the comparison of his strength to that of what his wife's body was capable of handling. He was terrified. If he couldn't gain control, she might die at his hands. Being so brutal with her was painful throughout his core and all the while, he heard them laughing in the background, making jokes, taking turns to make their puppets do or say whatever they wanted, for fun... for sport... for nothing at all - they were destroying sacred things...

By the time power was regained and the Platonians were overthrown and captured, Spock wanted nothing more than to rip them apart with his bare hands and leave them in pools of their own blood, but he recalled when he took his vengeance on Livingston Kurok and nearly lost Nyota. No - he had to rush her to safety and to make sure that she would be alright. He could not care about the tears that his comrades and crew members saw on his face. He would not think of the probabilities of what might be wrong with her and her survival at this point as Dr. McCoy panickedly interrogated him when he rushed to check on her. "Just do your job, Doctor," Spock ordered and McCoy waved in other doctors for assistance as a team helped to get Lt. Uhural onto a bed, Nurse Chapel insisted that she was fine to help, and Kirk gave out orders of what to do with the Platonians and what to tell Starfleet Command. Echoes. All echoes in Spock's mind as he stepped back to let them work on his unconscious wife. All echoes...


	2. No Solution, As of Yet

**No Solution, As of Yet**

Each time Nyota awoke, she asked for something to help her sleep. Dr. McCoy felt badly for denying her requests, but he knew that the amount of drugs she wished for were more than were safe for her. He gave her the pain medicine that she needed, and only gave her something to sleep when her levels could handle it. Nurse Chapel came to sit next to her bed and held her hand. Nyota smiled slightly at her and said, "You seem to be taking it much better than me. I'm proud of you, Christine."

Nurse Chapel shook her head and admitted, "Lt. Uhura, I did not endure what you did. I assure you that you are taking your experience much better than I could have if I were you. So, you have a lot to be proud of yourself for." Chapel did not mention that she was having regular hypo spray shots of antidepressants and seeing the ship counselor every other day. "I am going to have to make my rounds, pretty soon. I try to be here for you as much as I can. I think that I come the closest to understanding your situation on the ship. Janice said that she would come to keep you company after her shift."

"And has Spock been here in the past few days?" Nyota asked, now not looking at Christine.  
Nurse Chapel tilted her head and replied, "Why, Mr. Spock has been here every moment that he is not on the bridge. Would you like for me to call for him?"

Nyota thought about the first time she met Nurse Chapel. They were at the Academy, and Nyota was in the medical ward after suffering from effects of melding with Spock. Nyota had asked Nurse Chapel to call Spock, just because she wanted him there with her. But now, she said, "No. I don't want him here. I don't want to see him." Nurse Chapel looked sad upon hearing the words. Nyota explained, "It is just too difficult, right now. I think that he will understand."

"He told me that it may be difficult for you to see him." Christine answered as she wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. She was thinking about it, thinking about what had taken place.

Nyota said, "Please, don't let me see you cry, Christine. That is one of the last things that I need. As though looking down at my shattered wrist and pelvis are not reminders enough."

"I'm sorry, Lieutenant. I am going to let you rest." Nurse Chapel said, unable to keep herself from crying.  
"Have my children come to see me?" Nyota asked.

"No. Mr. Spock was not certain that they should see you this way, particularly your eldest." Nurse Chapel answered, sniffling.

Nyota said, plainly, "I want to see my children when I wake up in the morning."

"I will speak with Mr. Spock about it, as soon as possible." Chapel promised.

"Thank you, Christine... Am I able to have something to help me sleep?" Christine looked at Nyota's vitals and said, "Sure, I'll be right back with it." She walked out of the curtain and looked at Spock, who was standing not too far away, with his hands behind his back.

When Nurse Chapel seemed away from the curtain, Nyota said, out loud, "I know that you're there, Spock. Right now, I really want you to go." He did not move. Her voice became small as she said, "Please, Spock." He shut his eyes. took a deep breath, then walked out of the area. Nyota wanted to call him back and ask him to hold her, but when she thought about his hands on her, she thought about... she shook her head. Her eyes became damp. It wasn't his fault. He did not deserve any type of punishment, but she could not stand the thought of seeing him.

When she had first awakened, after the event, it had been easier, not at all easy, but easier than today. Then, Dr. McCoy had come in and told her of her damage. Most of it was to be expected, even the worse part, but it still made her feel worse. Her uterus was destroyed. Dr. McCoy would have to give her the treatments that they gave women to help them pass their ovaries, hysterectomy injections. He tried to soothe the news over with, "But, we also have a regimen available to help regulate your hormones, after the procedure treatment is over."

Nyota had forced a smile and said, "After the trouble I had with your goddaughter, I didn't want anymore children, anyway." And, it was true, but she did not want to take hysterectomy injections, either, and she certainly did not want to follow a hormone regulation regimen. It made her feel as though her womanhood had been stolen. She added, with a slight chuckle, "And, I never have to menstruate again." Spock had been standing near her bedside with his hands behind his back. Dr. McCoy left them to be alone, but Nyota had simply said, "I need to be alone, right now, Spock." He had not questioned her about it. He simply left her alone, and she had not actually looked at him since then.

Nurse Chapel returned with the sleep aid and gave Nyota the shot. Nyota grabbed the nurse's arm and said, "I do not want Spock here. I will let you know when that is alright." Nurse Chapel nodded her head and Nyota let go of her and touched the wrist the she wore a caste on. It took only a moment of the drug in her system before she fell to sleep. Her curtain opened and it was Spock. He sat next to the bed and stared at her. He did not know what to do. He knew that he could not touch her without her vitals becoming affected. He had tested this already, before. Her blood pressure and heart rate accelerated when he placed his hands on her, therefore, he had not touched her since then. She had been in medical bay for six days and was now on the sixth night. There was nothing he could do for her. He simply sat and watched her sleep, relieved for the small portion of peace that she would have, for the moment.

Spock eventually arose and left her bedside. He wanted to be gone before she began to stir from her sleep and could sense him there. She wished to see the children. He wondered what her answer would be when Styik questioned her about what had happened. He decided that he should share with him, first. When Spock entered the children's quarters, Styik was studying, while Sanaa rested against his chest and Sytar was asleep next to him, all three in his bed, as they generally slept. Styik looked at him for a while, then placed Sanaa gently on the bed on her stomach, next to Sytar, who reflexively placed an arm around her. Spock smirked slightly at his children's closeness.

Styik arose from the bed and walked over to Spock. "What is it, Father? I know that Mother was hurt on the last mission. It has been six days, and the children are becoming difficult to handle in her absence. I can do it, but I need my own peace of mind, as well. Please, share with me the extent of her damage."

"Your mother's left wrist was shattered in three places. Her pelvis was broken, and her trachea was damaged. Also, her reproductive system has been rendered futile. She has not wished to entertain much company, but she has requested to see the three of you in the morning." Spock stated. It was the answer to the question that Styik had asked.

Styik looked at the floor and took a deep breath. His eyes returned to Spock's and he asked, "With her reproductive system effected, I must know, was she raped?"

"Yes, she was." Spock replied evenly.

Styik nearly fell to the floor, but quickly found his footing and said, "Make her forget it."

"It is not that simple." Spock stated.

"Then, let me try. I have never tried it, but I am sure that I can do it." Styik said.

"If you are to do it, the memory may still be transferred to her from my mind, during melding times, and if discovered in that way, may prove to be even more traumatic for her than as her own memory. It is deeply rooted in my mind, and can only be removed by a highly skilled Vulcan priestess."

"You were there?" Styik asked, terrified. "Were you restrained? Oh, Father! Did you kill again?"

"I came very close to killing. Killing would not have changed the situation. When I murdered Livingston Kurok, I nearly lost your mother in the process. Therefore, I used the logical judgment of seeing to her instead of attempting to exact revenge for her. Styik, there is more that you need to know before seeing your mother."

Styik stared at him as though he was something dangerous, then his expression changed to disbelief, then to hatred. "You hurt her." He said. "You, did you..." Styik shook his head and tears began to fall from his cheeks. He lunged at Spock, but Spock caught his fists in his hands, and turned him around to where they both faced the same direction. Spock held Styik in his arms, but Styik struggled with him, "How could you?" He attempted to transfer hurt and hate into Spock, but Spock did not seem very affected by it.

Spock informed him, "You may need to try a more personal approach at a mental attack. The transfer you just attempted will not work, as it is that I already am harboring feelings even worse than those, towards myself." Styik paused and continued to cry. Spock continued to hug him, "I am sorry, Styik. I would never endeavor to hurt your mother by my own will. I did not have the power to control myself against those who had taken over my mind." Styik crumbled in Spock's arms, and sobbed. Spock let him go.

Styik faced him and wiped his cheeks, "How is she?"

"She will not see me. I may not touch her, but she wishes to see you when she awakens. Please take your brother and your sister, as well. Perhaps the three of you may bring her some joy."

"Will you remain bonded? Will you stay married? Am I going to lose another family?" Styik asked, "Are Sytar and Sanaa going to be raised by divorcees?"

"All of those matters are strictly in Nyota's hands. At the moment, she will not see me, nor does she wish to sense my presence. I am inclined to believe that the future you mentioned is indeed possible." Spock placed his hands behind his back and suggested, "It may be pleasant of you to ensure that you are there to visit her when she awakens."

"I will see to it, Father." Styik answered, clearing his face. Spock turned to head for the door, and Styik added, "Father, I apologize for my reaction. I am sure that you had no control. I am sorry." Spock nodded once, without looking at him and left the room. There would be no sleep for him, at all, as there had not been, since the tragedy.

Spock went back to the bridge and sat at his science station. No one said a word to him, and he did not turn away from his console.

Nyota traveled around on a motorized cart, for the moment. She could not move her pelvis, which was in a cast, but she was eager to return to work. She was eager to try to return to normalcy, or as close to it as her shattered mental state would allow. Upon rolling onto the bridge, she reported to Captain Kirk, "Captain, I am reporting for duty. Permission to take my post."

Kirk could hardly look her in the eye as he ask-ed, "Have you been cleared by Dr. McCoy for duty?"

"I am able to perform, Captain." She said. In other words, no, he thought. She smiled brightly and said, "Dr. McCoy is slightly biased and overprotective when it comes to me, particularly with the Platonian incident, specifically. If we leave it in the doctor's hands, you may never see me on this bridge again."

"Very well, Lt. Uhura. Report to your station, and welcome back." He smiled slightly at her as she rolled her way to her station.

Spock watched her attempt to move the chair that was already at the station, for only a moment before hurrying over to help her. She jumped when he neared her, which caused him to pause. She laughed at herself and said, "Commander Spock... you startled me."

"My intention was simply to assist you in moving the chair, Lt. Uhura." He awaited what appeared to be her allowing him to do so before he moved again. Kirk watched the two of them. Spock moved the chair, then asked, "Is there anything else that I may assist you with? I presume that your job may be slightly more difficult without the usage of both of your wrists."

Now, she threw him an angered look and she said, emotionlessly, "I can manage, without further assistance, Commander." She turned away from him and placed in her ear piece as she began to monitor the frequencies on her screen. Not one time for the remainder of her shift did she look in Spock's direction.  
Nyota rolled herself into the bedroom and activated the lock on the door. After she had fought around to clean herself up, she came rolling out of the room. Spock was standing outside of it and she jumped upon seeing him. He frowned. Each time he came near her, he seemed to frighten her unintentionally. She smiled as warmly as she could force herself to and said, "I was just heading next door, to spend some time with the kids."

"Do you wish for us to speak about..."

"No!" she said quickly. "I do not want to speak about anything with you. I just want to recover. In a few weeks, maybe then, we will talk."

He wished to relieve her of her pain, physical, mental, emotional... but she still was not open to his touch. When he seemed to reach for her, even if he was not reaching for her at all, she startled and froze. Spock noted that she seemed terrified of his touch. It made him feel immensely angry, immensely sick and horribly sad. A part of him thought that he would prefer to live life with her dead than live life with her feeling the way that she seemed to feel towards him. He tapped into her consciousness through their bond, once since they had gotten back, and she had become so crazed in anger over it, that he had promised not to do so again, without her permission.

Nyota rolled to Captain Kirk's quarters and used a pointing stick to press the button. "Yes?" She heard Kirk ask.

"Captain, It's Lt. Uhura." She said, sternly. The door opened and she rolled in. She frowned and immediately started the conversation with, "I am just curious, Captain. Of course, I am not questioning anyone's command, but was it your idea to cut my hours and change my shift?"

"Lt, Uhura, if your hours have been cut or your shift changed, you may want to talk to Spock about it. He is your direct supervisor." Kirk said.

She nodded her head and said, "I thought so. No, it's no big deal. I was simply curious, as I said." She took a deep breath and said, "I don't talk to Spock. I mean, I haven't talked to him much since..." She leaned back in the chair and said, "Dr. McCoy has been given me bone treatments. Within the next couple of weeks, I should be walking again. Might take another week or so after that to get past a limp. My wrist is much better."

Kirk stared at her for a while, then asked, "Would you like me to talk to Spock about this schedule thing?"

"No, thank you." She was about to say something else, but Spock entered the room and she became silent, for a moment. She did not dare to look at him. Instead, she said, "Thank you, Captain. I will be on my way, now. I'm already late for scheduled transmission to a friend on New Vulcan." She backed away from Kirk's table and Spock watched her.

He informed her, "You have already missed the transmission from Vulrak."

"I'm sure that I can send him another and apologize for missing his transmission." She rolled out of the room and Spock took a seat at the table.

Kirk looked at him and asked, "Is there any particular reason that you cut her hours and changed her shift?"

Spock did not show the fact that he was displeased with Kirk for questioning him about this, immediately. Instead, he merely answered, "Lt. Uhura's shift and hours are subject to my command without your approval, are they not, Captain?"

"Yes, they are." Kirk said.

"Do you have a problem with Lt. Uhura's most recent schedule? If so, I can list for you the logical reasons of the efficiency of the changes." Spock questioned.

"No, Spock. I'm just concerned about the two of you. Both of you have changed, and I don't know if it is good for your relationship."

"Captain, our relationship is not your responsibility, neither should it be your concern. I assure you that we will manage it without outside influence." Spock said, his agitation, now evident.

Kirk gently tried to explain, "Spock, I am not trying to intrude."

"Good, because intrusion will not be looked upon with kindness." Spock said shortly and began to set up the board for 3D chess.

Nyota opened the line of communication to Vulrak and smiled when she saw him, "Hey. I am sorry about missing your transmission. I was with Captain Kirk."

"Spock informed me that you were not around. He seemed to be no better. Are you still withdrawing from him?"

"Is that what you contacted me for? Because you told me that you had something for me."

"I have something for you, indeed." Vulrak said and began pressing buttons as he stated, "I am sending you the footage right now." She smiled, but an apprehensive feeling came over her. Did she really wish to see this footage? Would it even help her at all? Shortly after the attack, Vulrak had contacted the Enterprise, requesting a visit from himself and other representatives of New Vulcan. The representatives included Sarek and Ambassador Spock. Vulrak seemed to be the spokesperson, however. Kirk had no reason to ever turn down any of the three Vulcans, and allowed them to come aboard the ship and to keep their shuttle in the shuttle craft.

Vulrak had spoken candidly with Kirk, Spock and McCoy, stating, "We have reason to believe that a Terran trial for the Platonians responsible for the attack against you will not lead to adequate punishment for their crimes."

Kirk said, "Believe me, Vulrak, no one wants them to be punished more than the men that you are looking at right now."

"Except for maybe Lt. Uhura." Vulrak stated. "If my following of the charges brought against the Platonians has been accurate information, Lt. Uhura has had the most damage, both physically and mentally form the attack, correct, Captain?"

"Correct," Kirk said, growing a bit annoyed, "And I have spoken to Lt, Uhura, and she has expressed to me that she shares my view that the Platonians' punishment through any Terran system will not seem satisfactory." Kirk was inclined to agree, but wondered where this conversation was going. Vulrak, already reading his mind, answered, "It is our wish to appear before the Terran Federation courts in order to request a change of venue for the Platonians trial, to New Vulcan."

Now, Spock's eyebrow lifted. Kirk looked at Spock and asked, "What are you thinking?"

Spock replied, "That a change of venue to New Vulcan would receive more revenge than it would justice for the Platonians."

"And why is that such a problem, Spock?" Vulrak asked him, "I know that you wanted to kill the Platonians, and you know that the elders on New Vulcan can kill them in a way that they never thought possible, even with their Platonian mental wonders. We are striving for a mental death, for all of them. Beings who possess their level of mental abilities and misuse them so harshly should be rendered brain dead." There was nothing that Spock wanted more, except maybe to beat the hell out of them first.

He tilted his head and answered, "It would not be up to anyone on this ship as to whether or not such a change of venue would be possible."

"Not directly, Spock." Sarek responded. Then, he said, "If the victims are willing to testify about the accounts, it would make the argument more valid."

"I will not speak about it." Spock stated, then added, "And Lt. Uhura has yet to speak to me about the issue, therefore I conclude that she may not be willing to speak about it."

"Fortunately, there are human witnesses to the accounts." Vulrak stated, looking at Kirk and McCoy. Both of them nodded. Of course they would testify. Vulrak asked,

"Captain Kirk, Dr. McCoy, would the two of you mind allowing us to convene with First Officer Spock?" Kirk looked at Spock, as though awaiting verification, and Spock nodded. Kirk and McCoy left him with the other Vulcans. "How are you, Spock?" Vulrak asked.

"Surely, you must realize that is not a question which I am willing to answer." Spock stated.

Vulrak responded, "I am not asking you in order to learn of feelings. I am asking you, because you have a human bond mate and both of you have been through a rather traumatic ordeal. Her handling of the trauma can be transmitted to you, in which case, it may be imperative to have the two of you undergo Vulcan emotional treatment together."

"She would not. She would sooner sever our bond than to relinquish her emotions." Spock stated, without emotion in his voice, though Vulrak knew he was hurting deeply. Spock looked at Sarek. Sarek was not speaking, and neither was Ambassador Spock. He already knew their thoughts on the matter. They believed that emotional treatments were necessary to suppress Vulcan emotions in times of trauma.

Vulrak said a few more words, then left the three of them, Spock supposed to talk, but it could have been that he had other matters to see to. When it was only Spock with Ambassador Spock and Sarek, he looked at one, then the other, all three of them were silent. Spock understood that their behavior stemmed from respect of the delicacy of his emotions at the moment. They were Vulcans of logic and any attempt to speak with him on the subject or of his feelings at this point would not only be illogical, but needlessly hurtful. Spock broke the silence by asking, "How did the High Vulcan Council come to the decision of requesting a change of venue?" The charges themselves, as a change of subject, seemed a safe one to him.

Sarek replied, "The nature of the crime, to forcefully take over the mind of a Vulcan of High Vulcan status has highly bothered many of the elders. It suggests that the creatures responsible own more power than they do the discipline to use it logically, and that clearly has become dangerous. What if they desired to do worse harm? They would be difficult for the typical Vulcan to defend themselves against, and if so, then most other races within the Federation would have extreme problems dealing with them, as well."

"They are afraid." Spock said.

"They are attempting to take necessary precautions," Ambassador Spock replied. He always had a logical outlook on the irrational behavior of Vulcans. He had learned it from the Kirk of his time.

"If the elders believe that the decision is logical, then I am inclined to agree." Spock said. Neither of them questioned him about the incident, about Nyota, or about his feelings. Instead, they made their way to visit with the children...

Now, Nyota looked at her files, then told Vulrak, "And, I have received it. Thank you for this." He nodded once and ended the transmission. Nyota played the recording that he had given her. It was footage of the executions of Parmen and Philana, on New Vulcan. The Vulcans had them restrained, and they looked afraid. Genuinely afraid. This brought her pleasure, and she felt a little bad about that, but quickly let her guilt pass. The elders held their hands out towards the Platonians and she knew that they were administering a mental attack against them. Parmen and Philana both screamed and the few items in the chamber began to fly around, and the room itself shook at the propensity of the two of them attempting to mentally fight their way out of this situation. She knew that they had been trying each moment that they could, but now, the fight was desperate, and pointless. After a while, the items stopped flying about, and the man and the woman fell to the floor with blank stares on their faces. The footage ended.

She sighed, then played it again. By the time Spock came home, she had watched this same footage twenty one times, and she did not feel any better. She did not turn to look at him when he entered. She simply cut short her twenty second viewing of the executions. "Do you need assistance with anything?"

"No, I do not." She stated, trying to sound as even toned as him.

"I realize that you may be upset with me for changing your schedule. It is because of the amount of sleep you have been using. Dr. McCoy and I agreed that you may need more time off, until you are better."

She shrugged her shoulders and said, "Okay. It's not like I had any say in the matter, anyway. You are in control of my schedule."

"I am trying to help, Nyota." Spock stated.

She nodded her head and said, "I know. I know. Don't worry about it.

"Are you feeling any better tonight?" He asked.

"Than what, last night? The night before? Since the first night back? What exactly are you asking me about, Spock?"

He tilted his head and responded, "I suppose I am curious on your general welfare, as we have yet to address what occurred..."

"And we are not going to address what occurred on tonight." She said flatly, and rolled herself into the lavatory.

Spock walked to the entrance of the door, which she had left open and said, "I am going to return to the bridge."

"Good night." She said. There was a hint of roughness in her tone. Spock had not spent much time in their quarters lately, as he kept himself on the bridge, for work, whether or not he particularly had anything to really do on the bridge, he found things to do.

Being in the same room with her was extremely difficult. When she looked at him, she did not seem to see him... she seemed to see something else, and he did not know what she saw, because she would not share her feelings with him, nor was she allowing him to touch her at all. He believed that his remaining on the bridge may have been helpful for her, therefore, he kept himself there as much as possible.

He had been trying to figure out some way to help her with her rationale, but she was not open for much of his opinions, his actions, really, any time that he made any decision, she stated that she accepted it, but her face told another story. The two of them had not been in the same room with the children at the same time since the first night that she was out of medical bay, and he could tell from connecting with the younger ones that they were deeply confused about it. But, he maintained the belief that there were solutions to this problem. He and Nyota could withstand anything together. They could withstand... she stared at him and broke his train of thought. "Are you leaving soon?" She asked, sounding annoyed.

"I am leaving, right now." He said. He backed away from the door, then said, "Please, try to receive a sufficient amount of sleep tonight."

Now, she called out, "Spock." He turned to face her and she smiled, a genuine, but weak smile, "Thank you for the kind words." He nodded once. He was not sure that his words necessarily were kind, but he was grateful for an actual smile, no matter how small it was. He left the room for the night, centering himself mentally.


	3. Unanswered Questions

**Unanswered Questions**

Honestly, what the hell did they all think? That she was invincible? That because he was Vulcan, she must be Vulcan, too? That the woman who they looked at everyday and talked to, and knew, and saw endure so much (yet survived, fairly effortlessly) must not be capable of lasting damage? Sometimes, lately, she had feelings that she was being judged at every corner, mostly by people who knew no better, but judgment is judgment, especially when she was trying so hard not to be judgmental, herself. She knew that several of her crew mates were judging her for what was becoming of her marriage, and how she was handling it and handling her situation, altogether. The only people that she did not believe to be doing it were the ones who were there that day...

Lately, she felt that practically _everyone _was frowning upon her, like they had all allowed their brains to form opinions of conditions which they could not comprehend. Most of the people on the ship were human. In some of the most primitive places that Starfleet had come across, there were reports of rape, but it was not a common practice within advanced civilizations, like Earth. The hate crime had been frequented in Earth's history, but those days were so far behind the planet, now that even the research that Nyota tried to do on the subject seemed too limited to actually learn anything from. And sometimes, it was even undetermined as a rape. How was such a heinous thing determined?

Did her situation even count as one, considering that the physical assailant had been mentally coerced, himself? She wondered. Not to mention, could this even qualify, considering that the physical assailant mentally coerced was her own husband? She lamented, silently. She thought that she mourned silently better than anyone on the damned ship. And, if it was rape, how did one deal with that? Historical studies left that part out, and in Earth's history, there was not enough exposure to telepathic nor to psychokinetic coercion abilities, therefore, the handling of them in such situations was not ever reported. Everyone acted as though they understood her feeling pain. They had no idea. She could not describe it to them, if she tried, and they could not find anything outside of experience to learn this kind of pain from. _What did they know? Who were they to judge her?_

Grateful this day, for the ability to walk, she climbed out of the bed. She had to admit, her limp was pretty bad and to make her walk somewhat decent looking took fierce concentration and effort. As she went into the lavatory to wash up, she thought about her feelings and her actions... she had seriously began to hate people. Not the people who counted – not her bridge crew and those that she had bonded with from day one on the ship, but those other four hundred plus people that she had to live among. She hated the smiles in her face, behind pitying eyes, she hated the whispers behind her back when she was still within hearing distance. She hated the nosy questions, disguised as concern, and the comments from strangers – that was the worse.

Such a comment occurred that very day. She could vaguely hear the rest of the conversation, someone was mentioning that they heard that she was assaulted, she tried to tune it out, because she knew that either they would guess right, and she would have to think about what happened, or they would guess wrong, and she would get angry that her tragedies were fickle guesses to them. Then, she heard it, the statement that had been harping on her own mind for weeks, now. A security officer commented, "I thought that Vulcans' mates are supposed to be strong." He had thought that she was out of earshot, but she had heard it, and unfortunately, for him, so had Styik, who was about to catch up to his mother when the statement intercepted his intentions.

Styik briskly walked over to the man and pointed a finger right at his face, "And how strong are _you_? Shall I test you, myself?" Nyota panicked and went in their direction as Styik placed his finger on the man's forehead. The man screamed in pain and fell backwards from his chair. the others seated near him scattered away from the table. Styik kicked the chair out of his way to go after the man, but heard Nyota call his name. He paused, pointed at the shaken man and said, "Think before you speak, and when you speak, watch what you say and who you say it in front of." He glanced at the others who were standing around, daringly. He dared somebody to open their mouth with another opinion.

He walked over to Nyota and opened his mouth to explain, but she cut him off. "I heard what he said, Styik, and that is no excuse. The man is entitled to his opinion."

Styik glared at the man as others helped him to his feet. Styik said, "Well, I am not apologizing. He was wrong." Styik looked at Nyota and said, "You are extremely strong, Mother. You can take more than anyone in this room. You are handling this issue better than my biological mother handled it, and she _was_ Vulcan, not just a Vulcan's wife. You have been there for anybody on this ship that you come across who needs it, and now that you are faced with something that they don't understand, something that can scar even a Vulcan woman, these people think that they can just judge you? I will not allow it."

"You know that your father will administer punishment for you attacking a Starfleet officer."

"Father would have punched that fool in the face, if he had heard him." Styik said. Nyota found herself laughing at the statement. It, of course, was not near truth, but the fact that Styik had made a statement of what would have run through Spock's mind, so accurately solicited laughter from her, and she had not even taken any hypos that day.

She had an appointment to receive hysterectomy injections. Only three more weeks, she told herself. When she received her injections, she was given mood balancing hypos to take with her, in case of side effects, and she did not work for two days, until the mood altering side effects could be out of her system. This was not helping, either, and she happened to hope that a lot of her behavior would change whenever her reproductive system had been removed.

She smiled at Dr. McCoy as she entered the medical bay. Spock was already there. He came to her appointments with her, to make sure that she could make it back to their quarters well. Nurse Chapel and he were talking when she entered. Nyota sat on the bed and held out her arm. "You and Janice better get moving on getting yourselves a child. You never know when the ability to make them gets taken away." She said it cheerily, and teasingly, but Dr. McCoy and Nurse Chapel both looked uncomfortable about the comment. Nyota almost laughed, then she felt bad. Why was she picking at _them? _They loved her. They understood. They weren't judging her.

Dr. McCoy shook his head and said, "Oh, no. Janice and I decided that neither of us wanted children before we ever even selected rings. Besides, an unemotional one year old goddaughter can sometimes be enough child for everybody." He gave Nyota her injection, then added, "Of course, Sanaa has been emotional for a few weeks. Not emotional like Sytar, but emotional, for her."

Nyota nodded her head and joked, "My human DNA will ruin her yet." She glanced at Spock to read his reaction. Minimal. Mild confusion.

He commented, "Both you and I have shared human genes with our daughter, and I do not believe that she is ruined by them, at all."

"Are you kidding? My princess is perfect. They grow before you realize it. She is going to grow up knowing that she better bring home one hell of a man, if she ever wants to have one." Dr. McCoy said.

Nyota laughed and looked at Spock, "And I thought that you were going to present problems for her, in that area."

Spock lifted his eyebrow and said, "I shall attempt to empathize with the young man who becomes enchanted by our daughter. After all, she looks like her mother, and will most likely develop into just as fascinating a woman." Six weeks ago, McCoy would have poked fun at Spock for his verbal display of emotion.

Today, he smiled, kindly at Nyota and said, "I will try to keep that in mind, but when the time comes, Mr. Spock, I'll be an old man. Probably won't even remember this conversation. In which case, he's in trouble."

Nurse Chapel offered, "Hopefully, you are joking, Doctor. Let's not forget that Sanaa also has two older brothers, one of which is very overprotective."

Nyota laughed and said, "I think that Sanaa will be married for years before she ever thinks about introducing her man to Styik." The other humans laughed, too. Spock tilted his head and opened his mouth.

"It was a joke, Spock." Dr. McCoy said. He looked at his watch, "You two had better be getting along before the hypo kicks in." Nyota nodded and jumped off of the bed. She walked out of the room and Spock followed.

Nurse Chapel said, "It is good to see her in good spirits for today."

"You mean, for right now." Dr. McCoy corrected.

Spock and Nyota walked to their quarters, passing by people who were avoiding looking at them, to Nyota's seeming pleasure. He looked at her and asked, "Has something happened? Generally, others pass by us in the same way when a situation has arisen."

Nyota nodded and said, "In the mess hall, before I ate before my appointment, Styik attacked a security officer. I'm not sure what he did to him. He placed his finger on his forehead, though, so it was probably painful enough for the man to mention it, plus there were so many people in there because it was lunchtime for a lot of them." Spock did not look pleased. She offered, "He has been going through a lot, because of me and how I have been, so try not to be too hard on him." He nodded.

When they were down the hall from their quarters, she began to stagger. Spock reflexively reached out to help her walk, but she bumped the wall, avoiding his touch. She smiled and said, "I got it. We're almost there." Upon entering the room, she collapsed on the bed. Her legs hung off of the side and her arms were outstretched. She hated the first few hours of these injections. She would be conscious, but unable to move, numb. Spock shifted her on the bed, to where she could lay comfortably. She couldn't really feel her body, very much, but he worried that her position may lead to a cramp or tingling sensations upon her feeling returning. "I don't deserve you." She said. He started when he heard her say it. He did not know how to respond to it.

"You _have_ me, Nyota." He decided that much more may have accidentally led to saying the wrong thing. He wished to kiss her, but fought it, as she had not given him any indication that such an action would be acceptable. "I must return to the bridge," he said, before leaving.

Nyota stared at the ceiling. This would be the hardest portion of her day. She would lie awake and think about unanswered questions, and end of with a bevy of inapplicable solutions. Maybe she should not have gotten involved with him. Maybe she should not have married him. Maybe what they had was an illusion – a lie that they both bought. She had pursued him under the pretense that she was strong; that she was a fighter, and now that theory had been proven wrong, as far as she was concerned. It was not fair to him to have to deal with all of this.

In the past, when he had problems, when they had problems, she reached out to _him. _Generally, she shared all of herself with him and begged him to do the same. She had gotten mad on occasions when he had not. Openly, she had shared her pain, her doubts, her fear, and he had smoothed them away. to be honest, it made no sense, whatsoever, even to her for her to resist the natural urge within their bond to find solace within him in her greatest hours of pain. She knew that no one but him could help hr, but she was afraid of showing her current feelings to him, and even if she was not – what if he himself was too hurt to even help?

What if she had decided to share her hurt only to find that their pain increased by feeding off of one another's pain? What if because they were both in so much pain that they could not love each other through the pain? The thought startled her so much that she jumped up, hardly able to breath. The effect of her injection had worn off. She could move, she discovered. She quickly retrieved the hypo spray for calming her and injected herself with it. Within moments, she was completely docile, and she could still move.

She put her injector away and arose from the bed. She went into the bathroom to use it, and collect herself before going next door. She washed her face and tried to make herself look presentable for them, then she went into their room. The children were each tending to a learning toy, all in concentration on their respective possessions until she entered. Sytar abandoned his toy and rushed over to hug her. She picked him up, for the hug. "Sleepover, Mother." He said.

She sighed and said, "I have to check with your father."

"Sleepover!" He cheered again.

Styik did not look up from the Brain he was performing a telepathic simulation on as he said, "He's three, Mother. He is old enough to realize that Father does not control such decisions."

"Sleepover!" Sytar cheered. Sanaa had walked over to her, now.

Nyota placed Sytar down and kneeled in front of her daughter, "Hello, Daughter. How are you tonight?" She asked. Sanaa liked to be treated like a lady.

She reached out to hug Nyota and whispered, "Sleepover." Sytar laughed and clapped his hands. It was decided. If even Sanaa wanted to have a sleepover, then they must be due for one.

She spent time with them before they headed for the mess hall. Styik took the children and she headed for the bridge. Nyota walked onto the bridge and immediately said to Kirk, "I apologize for coming onto the bridge in civilian attire, Captain. May I speak with Commander Spock?" Kirk glanced at Spock, who was watching them, as curiously as his Vulcan face allowed, which only appeared curious to certain individuals.

"Of course," Kirk answered her question and watched her walk over to her husband, who also watched her the entire way over. She limped over to him and kneeled next to the science station.

"Is there a problem? Are you well?" He asked. There was no indication in his voice that he was worried, but she knew that she had worried him by showing up on the bridge and asking to speak with him.

"I think that it may help the children's morale if we sit together as a family and have dinner. I already agreed to a sleepover, so you have to come to that, but if you can leave the bridge soon, we are headed to dinner right now." Spock nodded his head once and got up.

The children's morale did need adjustment, and they did not respond as well to being told about logic as he had at their ages – for one reason because they were surrounded by illogical humans, and secondly because they were mostly human themselves. Sytar had cried several times in the past six weeks, more than he had all of his infancy. The boy hardly ever cried, and now, that had changed. His crying was caused by things that both parents realized would not possibly have made him cry before their marital problems began. Sanaa, as Dr. McCoy stated had been rather emotional, as well. She was beginning to show anger towards her brothers, and sometimes towards Nyota. Spock credited her biased towards him to all of the nights that he connected with her while inside of her mother, just as Styik and Sytar had pre-birth telepathic bonding connections. Nyota sometimes felt on the outside. Perhaps this decision would serve not only the children, but them as well, Spock thought as he approached Kirk's chair.

"Captain, I am going to leave for the evening." He stated.

Kirk shrugged and said, "Spock, you are here voluntarily. You can go when you please. Is everything alright?" He asked, watching Nyota limp towards the exit.

"I am going to spend some time with my family." Spock stated.

Kirk smiled and said, "Get to it, Mr. Spock."

Supper was pleasant. Styik was seated in between Sanaa and Sytar when Nyota and Spock walked in. Nyota smirked at him. Styik was being sneaky, trying to make them sit next to each other. She could handle it. She needed to handle it, if their marriage was going to survive. She told Spock what she wanted to eat and he went to retrieve the food for them. When she sat in front of Styik, he smirked too. "How did I know that you would invite Father to dinner?" He asked, as though defending his sneaky ways.

Sytar was grabbing his food with his hands and eating, despite the fact that Styik kept hitting his knuckles with a utensil, then handing it to him. They had been having this same battle for the past year. Sanaa was trying to use her utensil, but struggling with her form, but when Styik attempted to help her, she refused his assistance. Styik stated, "Between the two of them, and the two of you, I do not know who is more stubborn." Sytar reached across Styik to grab something off of Sanaa's tray and she struck his hand with her own spoon. He began crying and sat back down. "The two of them." Styik answered his own question.

Sanaa handed her spoon to Styik, "New." She said. He grabbed a cloth and wiped her spoon off for her. She was conscious about germs, especially Sytar's germs. Styik handed her the spoon back just as Spock returned to the table.

Spock placed Nyota's tray in front of her and said, "Sytar, use your utensil." His voice was firm and Sytar reached for his spoon and began to eat his food.

"You are so good at that." Styik said.

"At what, Son?" Spock asked.

"At getting him to listen." Nyota answered for Styik.

"I am his father." Spock said, as though that answered everything, but in a way, it did. Sytar realized that although his mother was the one who made the decisions of sleepovers, Spock was the law. Spock was not as understanding as Nyota in disciplinary matters, and Sytar did not like punishments. He was a cheerful, happy, fun loving child, since birth and punishments ruined his mood. Styik watched Spock and Nyota interact a little tensely, at first and he realized that it was the first time they had been this close since the mission, but they relaxed, fairly soon. Spock said, "If only I had the same affect on my eldest son."

Styik looked from Spock to Nyota, then said, "I am sure that you did not get the full story, Father."

"You mentally assaulted a Starfleet officer." Spock stated, and Styik knew that unspoken portion – it did not matter why.

Still, he explained, "He insulted Mother." Spock felt himself grow angry at that very instant. He and Nyota, and Nyota by herself had been going through a great deal. The thought of anyone insulting her during her high moments angered him, but someone insulting her at this time infuriated him.

"How did he insult her?" Spock asked. Nyota made a sound, an indication that she could not believe that Spock's focus had shifted. But, Spock had to admit to himself, it had.

"He suggested that she was too weak to be your mate to a group of people." Styik said and took a bite of salad off of his fork.

Now, Spock was visibly angry, and Nyota was apt to believe that if he had heard him, maybe he would have punched him in the face. His anger soon flushed away when Nyota reflexively reached out and touched his hand in an effort to console him. He looked at her hand on his, her skin, touching his skin and then looked at her face. She quickly pulled her hand away. She did not want to give him the wrong idea. Touching was still uncomfortable. That had been comfortable, and natural, but only for a moment. She glanced at the children. All three of them were smiling, well, Sanaa was sort of smiling. Nyota picked up her fork and said calmly, "The man is entitled to his opinion, Spock. I happened to agree with him."

Spock pressed his lips together and looked at her. He would not argue with her, or even debate, but she knew that his look was one of disagreement. She sipped her tea. Spock faced Styik and said, "Despite the officer's tastelessness, if you were not Nyota and my own son, and if the officer mentioned was not completely terrified of what you may do next, you could have been charged with a federation crime."

"Like you could have been when you beat down Uncle Jim for insulting your mother?" Styik questioned. They loved him, but Nyota hated when he sassed them. "You yourself were a Starfleet officer when you did that. At least I'm just twelve."

Nyota fussed, "Styik, Spock's mother had just been killed when Captain Kirk insulted her, and he was trying to provoke your father." Nyota defended Spock. That had been completely natural, as well.

Styik appreciated the fact that she was taking up for Spock, but commented, "So her fate was less painful than yours."

"No more attacks!" She snapped at him. A few of the people in the hall turned to look at them.

Spock sighed and nodded his head, "I have to agree, Styik. However, I will understand if you happen to fail at the attempt, from time to time. Do not make a habit of attacking everyone with a voiced opinion that you disagree with."

Styik nodded and said, "I will try."

"Mother, I want cake." Sytar said, upon finishing his meal. She nodded.

"No chocolate." Spock said, knowing that Sytar sometimes "forgot" that chocolate had a negative effect on him. It was not as bad for him as it was for Spock or Styik, but he became restless and hyper for hours. He had snatched a piece of Nyota's during her pregnancy with Sanaa once, and since then, she never even brought chocolate into their quarters. He still managed to get his hands on it sometimes, and had even shared it with his sister, before. She did not react to it much. She became hyper, but no more hyper than a typical human child would to it.

Sytar answered, "Yes, Father," and rushed over to the line for a slice of cake.

Spock asked Sanaa, "Would you like dessert too?" She shook her head. She never asked for dessert. Sometimes, she would have fruit, but nothing sweeter. "Perhaps you ingested enough dessert for the first few years of your life while you were inside of your mother."

Nyota nearly choked on her tea and had to cover her mouth with her hand not to spill it as she attempted to swallow. After she did, she laughed out loud at Spock's comment. Spock allowed himself a tiny smirk at the sound of her laughter.

Sanaa's face became angry and she said, "Not funny, Mother."

Spock touched her small hand and said, "Please, allow her to enjoy her laughter." He knew from the contact that Nyota's reaction did not make sense to the little girl, but she did not say another word about it. When Sytar returned to the table, Nyota was still laughing, although her laughter was dying down.

He set down his strawberry cake and climbed into his seat. "What's funny?" He wondered. He loved laughing. Things that made him laugh were his favorite things.

"Life." Nyota answered. "Life is funny." Suddenly, Sytar blurted out in laughter. Spock, Styik, and Nyota looked at him, all knowing that he had no idea what was funny about life, or even what his mother was talking about. Hell, Styik and Spock did not even know what she was currently referring to, yet, the toddler was laughing, almost hysterically.

This caused Styik to laugh at Sytar's reaction and Nyota to enter a whole new flurry of laughter. Spock watched her affectionately. Anyone who might have been looking at him at the moment would have seen sheer love and pure devotion at its deepest. Only the children were looking at him, though. Then, when Nyota realized that they were looking at him, she looked at him. She saw it too. Her laughter faded. She didn't deserve that look. She cleared her throat and said, "After Sytar finishes his cake, we should go back to the room." Spock's expression cleared and he nodded. He stood to collect the trays from the table and put them away.

By the time that Spock reentered their quarters, Nyota was laying down with the boys. He had been called to the bridge for assistance, and had stayed away for longer than he expected. Styik and Sytar were spooned together and Nyota was spooned around the two of them, but she was not asleep. Sanaa was laying behind her, facing the opposite direction, as she generally did. Usually, Spock was on the other side of her, and she was facing him as they slept, but not touching him. Sanaa was particular about too much contact. Some of the humans referred to her as a "mean baby", but Spock adored her for her ways. She was part Vulcan, after all.

Nyota turned when she heard the door open. She gently removed her arm from around the boys and looked at Spock as he approached the bed. He touched both boys' cheeks, but said nothing and he did not look at her. He rose from kneeling next to the bed and walked around to the other side to give his daughter a kiss on the cheek. He and his wife stared at each other for a moment before she gently patted a spot on the bed next to her. Spock seated himself in the indicated spot. Nyota joined him, in seating with her feet hanging from the bed. "I am sorry about how I have been behaving, Spock. I think that I may need counseling, but I don't know if... I don't know how to classify what happened." She offered, with tears forming in her eyes.

Spock merely kept looking at her, in case she was not finished speaking. She seemed to be finished and she seemed to await a response from him, therefore he replied, "You have suffered from an exceptionally traumatic experience, Nyota. Human mentality indicates that your actions have been in line with the action of a significant percentage of humans, had they been involved in the same experience."

"And I suppose that your Vulcan mentality is above such a traumatic event?" She asked in an accusatory tone.

"I do not intend to exchange insults with you." Spock stated, afraid that he was upsetting her. He turned to stare out ahead of him.

She watched him and asked, "Is there something that _you _wish to say to _me_, Spock?"

He had been trying to get her to speak, to express her feelings, as he knew that it was a human method of coping, of recovery, but it was not his method. he answered, "I believe that at this point, there are no words to rectify the situation. My speaking on the matter would prove futile."

"It might help me. My human mentality might need it, Spock." Nyota said, trying to keep herself together as she admitted these things. It was the most that she had said in weeks about the situation.

"You are free to speak, Nyota." He informed her.

Her whisper came out in a snapping tone, "I need to hear _you_ speak. I need you to tell me what you are thinking. How do you feel about everything?"

"My feelings have no relevance in the matter. I would prefer that you attempt to sleep. I shall not disturb you." he was speaking calmly, but she knew that he was hurting. He was hurt. It softened her heart, for a moment.

"Will you sleep in the bed with us?" She asked.

"I will do as you ask of me, at this point." He said.

"The boys have been worried about the fact that you have not been sleeping here, and Sanaa never worries, but she seems like she has been, too. Perhaps it would help to soothe them if you slept here."

She climbed back into the bed and Spock removed his boots and climbed in, as well. He laid down, flat on his back with his fingers intertwined, except for the pointer fingers, which touched at the tips and faced upward. She sighed and said,"I am trying to reach out to you. I want things to become right between us. I know that you are not responsible, and I am not trying to hold you responsible. I am trying to get past this." Spock turned to face her and studied her face. There was something that she was hiding from him, and he did not know what it was, but he knew that she had no intention of sharing it with him.

"Nyota, I wish that you could feel comfort when you look at me. Not too long ago, you would look at me and see your bond mate, your husband, your friend, your... hero. Now, when you look at me, you see something else. You see someone who caused you pain and it comes forth through your eyes. You do not trust me, and you are keeping something hidden from me. Tell me."

"What, _I_ have to talk, but you do not?" She hissed, trying to keep her voice a whisper. He did not answer the question. He wished that he could speak to her about this, but it hurt far too much for his mind to form words to express it. She spoke again, "I don't know how I am going to get over this, Spock. I do not know if I can ever look at you and see what I used to see anymore." After she said it, she felt her heart break. She had been trying to suppress the fact, and wanted to keep it inside, hoping that once she was over the situation, the feeling would go away and Spock need never to know that she had even ever felt that way. Now, she had spoken it.

Spock simply looked at her. He did not react. He did not even wince. He said, "I presumed that your line of thinking was in that area."

"How do you feel, Spock?" She asked.

He shook his head and said, "I shall not discuss it."

"Why not?" She asked, no longer whispering, but more like whimpering. it killed her to sound so fragile. It killed him to hear her sound that way.

"Nyota, if you are not careful, you will wake our children." He said.

"You liked it, didn't you? That is why you will not talk to me about it, because you don't want to admit that you liked it! I knew that you liked it. I could tell when you were doing it. You enjoyed violating me!" She snapped as she returned to a whisper.

Spock sighed and replied, painfully, "Nyota, if convincing yourself of such a thing makes you more comfortable about how you have been feeling towards me, I will not try to make you see reason." She struck him, across his face.

Now, Spock winced. She had hit him in the face, with her hand. She had attacked him, for no reason, other than misplaced resentment. Now, Styik arose. Nyota did not notice him as she swung her hand at Spock again, but he caught her by her wrists. "Nyota..." He said her name gently, but almost in a plea. He could not take the thought of her wishing to hurt him. He never wished to hurt her. She began to struggle with him, seemingly maddened, at the moment. He pressed her firmly against the bed and repeated, "Nyota, please..."

"Get off of me! Get off of me! Don't touch me!" She began to yell. Spock saw the images in her mind. As far as she was convinced, they were not in the room with their children. They were back on that planet, and he was hurting her.

Styik reached over and touched Spock's head. Spock let out a groan and fell off of the bed. Nyota yelped in shock, as she realized where she was, again. She crawled over to Styik and he held her in his arms. Spock stood up and looked at them.

"I was not attacking her. I was attempting to restrain her, to reason with her, Son." He told Styik. Now, Sytar was sitting up as well, but Sanaa stayed in the same position she had been in.

Styik kept a palm lifted towards Spock as he said, "I understand, Father, however, Mother does not currently seem susceptible to reason. I think that it would be best for everyone tonight, if you left. I will take care of her." He flinched after he said it and he and Nyota looked at each other. They were there. This was Arev's vision. Styik stroked Nyota's hair and whispered, "It will be alright. I am here, Mother."

Spock took another look at Nyota. She was trembling and crying. He hated the sight of her in that way. If only she would allow him to touch her... but Styik was correct. She was not in her right mind at the moment. Touching her at all would only make things worse, at this time, if such a thing was now possible. Spock looked at Styik. He was trying to be strong, but Spock knew that this hurt him more than it did either of them. He also looked at Sytar. The toddler's eyes were damp, but he was not crying, not yet. Sanaa was either still asleep, or feigning sleep to avoid what must have sounded like to her an emotional situation.

"Leave!" Nyota practically screamed at Spock. He nodded and turned to leave the room. "Take your things with you." She said. Spock paused and turned to look at her and almost attempted to read her. She was upset. Surely she did not mean this. He did not force himself into her mind, though. At this point, it would have made matters even worse.

He found his voice to say, "I shall return for them when you are not nearly as upset."

She picked herself up from the floor and screamed, "You shall take them now!" Styik grabbed her hand, to try to calm her, but she jerked away from him and headed towards the bathroom. "When I come out of this room, I want you and your things out!" She went into the bathroom, shut the door and ran water in the tub. She looked in the mirror at herself and could not fight the urge to slam her fist into the mirror, with a grunt. The mirror shattered and her fist bled, but she hardly paid any attention to it as she lowered her head to cry.


	4. Therapy and Meditation

**Therapy and Meditation**

Spock obeyed his wife's wishes. He calmly removed his items from the room, and left before she came out of the bathroom. He searched the computer for any empty area that he could place himself within and moved his things into the currently empty quarters of a fallen security officer. After all of his things were inside, he changed his clothing and decided to head to the ship gym. Perhaps if he exercised, he could burn off a bit of his... he did not know what he felt. He believed himself to be angry, but he knew that he had no one to direct anger at. He certainly did not wish to become angry at Nyota. This was not her fault. She was not in her right mind.

He walked into the room and it was occupied. Even at this time, there was generally someone who wanted to work out. He began to practice his defensive arts, and tried to meditate, as he did. He needed to meditate, but he needed to blow off steam, as well. Eventually, he decided upon hitting a punching bag. That worked out better than his general Vulcan martial arts. He punched the bag as though it were an enemy, as though it was something hated. He punched the bag, ferociously, until others near him began to disperse, gradually and soon, no one else was there. Still, he punched...

Styik knocked on the bathroom door and Nyota turned off the water. She had only been running it so that she did not have to hear Spock moving about in the next room. She opened the door and Styik said, "What did you do?" She shook her head and shrugged her shoulders. He took her hand and said, "I mean to your hand. I have no intention of judging you for your actions tonight. I am sure that you will agree, I have been madder and have reacted even more harshly than you did in my anger. Come into our room. I brought along the emotional modulator, in case I needed it."

"I have to tend to my hand." She said. She peeked out and looked at Sytar and Sanaa. Both were laying down.

"Father helped both of them to sleep before he left." Styik told her, "But, by tomorrow, I am sure that they will both have questions." He went into the bathroom cabinet and retrieved some items to tend to her hand. he had read about it, but never attempted. He studied her hand a moment, then stated, "You may have to visit the doctor. I'm afraid that there are shards of glass in your hand that he will be better qualified to remove."

"You can do it," She said. He nodded once. She did not want anyone to see her right now, and she did not necessarily want anyone to know that she had just struck the mirror. "Spock is going to need your help, with the children." Styik stared at her as she said, "I am going to have Spock take full custody of them, as I am currently unfit..."

"So... this separation is a lasting one?" He asked, terrified.

"Styik... I need help. There is no reason, no excuse for me reacting to your father that way, and in front of the children! And, you! How dare you attack him? Did you think that he was hurting me?" Styik could imagine the image of her face, right now, although he was not looking at her. Her voice and the shivering of her hand indicated that she was angry at him, but he realized that she was probably more angry at herself for how she had just reacted.

"The attack was not painful, just distracting." He said as he fiddled with the instrument to remove the glass from her hand.

"Even still, I thought that we agreed that you would try not to attack him? He is probably so hurt."

"I apologized to him while you were in here. We talked, briefly. He understands." Styik replied. "Back to a previously ignored question, do you think that this separation is lasting? You should think on it."

"I think that it is best for all of you to be away from me, especially the little ones. I should have told Spock to leave the night I came home. Instead, I allowed this to fester, and I punished him for something that he did not do!" She shook her head and wiped her tears with the back of her uninjured hand, relieved that her wrist was better, since she had just ruined the opposite hand. "He was a victim too, and I know that. I know that he did not want to hurt me and that he is feeling pain, too!" Styik transmitted calm into her as he picked the tiny shards from her knuckles.

"Speak to a doctor." Styik said. "I know that there is not much data on rape in Terran records, but xenopsychiatrists may know more about dealing with the phenomenon. You could contact Dr. Uhura. He would do everything in his power to assist you."

"No, I do not want to discuss this with my father. I can not tell my father that this happened, and I especially can not tell him that Spock was forced to... the trial was held on New Vulcan, so he probably attended, knowing that I was injured on the mission. He may even already know..."

"If Dr. Uhura knew what happened, he would have been on this ship, to help you sort this out. Please, contact him. If not him, someone else. Dr. Mara may have experience with it." Styik suggested inspecting her hand, certain that he had gotten all of the glass from the wounds. He sprayed her hand to prevent injection, and tapped it dry.

Nyota did not say another word as she watched him squeeze liquid bandage over her cuts. He disappeared for a moment, then returned with a cloth glove, which he placed her hand inside of. He took her by the hand and led her to the bed. When she laid down, he helped her to go to sleep. Styik himself would not sleep tonight. He assigned himself to dream duty. Nyota needed some pleasant dreams tonight, and the smaller ones needed to forget her episode. He touched each of them, reprogramming their minds accordingly. He wished that he could make his mother forget, as well, but if Spock was correct that her learning it from a meld would be more traumatic, Styik hated to even think of something being more traumatic than what had happened.

Nyota awoke to two excited children staring into her face. She jumped, slightly, then grabbed both of them into an embrace. _"They do not remember anything." _She heard Styik's voice say. She looked over at him. He was studying at the table. She gave him a grateful smile. The fact that they were young enough for the memory to be removed from their Vulcan minds made her feel better about the situation, but she still believed that they needed to be out of the line of her irrationality.

"I want cereal." Sytar said. Nyota smiled and sat up. Sanaa did not say anything, but Nyota figured she wanted cereal too. Their mother climbed out of bed to bring them down to the mess hall for breakfast. Styik brought his computer along with him and accompanied them.

In the mess hall, Chekov spotted them and immediately went to join them. Styik looked at Nyota to see if she was open to anyone outside of her children, at the moment, and she seemed uncomfortable with her friend's arrival. "This is not a good time, Pavel." Styik said.

Chekov nodded in understanding and told him, "You and I should get together soon for chess." He looked at Nyota and said, "I hope that your day is well, Lt. Uhura." He hugged Sytar and moved to hug Sanaa, but she looked right at him and her look dared him to touch her. Chekov was sure that the one year old could not do anything to her him, but if looks could kill... He smiled and waved to them, then walked away with a worried look on his face.

"I will stay with you today." Styik said.

"No. You have work to do in the engineering room. I know that it's boring to you now, but it is the punishment that Spock laid out for your attack against the security officer, and as a matter of fact, he should have made it longer for your attack on him." Styik opened his mouth to refute her decision, but she said, "Do not sass me. Janice has offered to take the children on my off days when I am having the treatments, so I will simply leave them with her."

"Janice is pretty." Sytar said, shoving a spoonful of sugary cereal with marshmallows into his mouth. Sanaa was focusing so greatly on having control of the spoon that she did not even look up at the mention of her godmother's name. Nyota smiled at both of them, touched Styik's hand and thought to him,_ "I have to do something to get better, for them, for you, and for Spock."_

"_I understand the concept of having to get over a traumatic experience, Mother." _He replied with a gentle smile.

When Nyota returned to work, she glanced at Spock. He did not acknowledge her, and she thought for a moment that perhaps he did not see her, but when she approached his chair, she saw his body tense up at her arrival, although he had not glanced in her direction. She knew that he knew that she was there. She sighed and said, "Commander Spock, I need to speak with you when my shift is over." He did not look at her.

Instead, he merely said, "As you wish, Lieutenant." He tapped the screen of his station with his stylus twice, then continued to study the screen. She went to her own station. Chekov turned in his seat to look at her and she smiled at him. The two of them had not spent much time together since the ordeal, and she knew that he was probably worried about her. She decided that she would talk to him later, too.

After her shift, Hawkins came to relieve her and she touched base with him on some things occurring on the frequency she had been monitoring. When she finished, she glanced at the science station. A science officer was seated there, so she assumed that Spock was probably right outside of the door to the bridge. She walked out and he was not there. She looked around, then went to the computer, "Computer, locate Commander Spock."

The computer replied, "Commander Spock is unavailable." She jerked her head back from the machine as though she was about to give it an attitude and argue with it when Nurse Chapel saw her. Nyota said to the machine, "This is Lieutenant Uhura. Locate Commander Spock."

The computer repeated, "Commander Spock is unavailable. You may reach him by the intercom system." She laughed in disbelief as Chapel approached.

"Lt. Uhura, is everything alright?" The nurse asked.

"Do you know where Spock is? Because, the computer refuses to tell me, which means that Spock has listed wherever he is staying in the records as classified, which means that I can only reach him by the intercom, and I do not want to do that." Nyota's eyes were slightly angry. "I told him that we needed to talk after my shift. he sets my schedule. he knows when my shift ends..."

"Maybe he is busy doing something for the Captain. I am sure that Mr. Spock is not going to ignore you." Chapel offered.

Nyota folded her arms and sighed, "I'm sorry, Nurse Chapel. How are you doing?"

"I am doing fine." Chapel answered. She studied Nyota's face momentarily, then asked, "And you, Lt. Uhura?"

"I have been better. I have been worse." Nyota answered. Technically, she had been worse, on the Platonians' planet, so although she felt extremely horrible, she had been worse. "I can not believe that he is unavailable. Computer, please locate Commander Spock." She knew that "please" was not going to help, but she was so desperate to locate Spock that she did not really think about the fact that she was begging a machine.

"Commander Spock is in the hallway to the bridge." The computer said. Nyota frowned and looked around. Spock indeed was coming down the hallway. She found herself relieved to see him.

Nurse Chapel looked at him and smiled, "See, Lt. Uhura. Your man is coming for you." She patted Nyota on the back and walked on; she smiled and spoke to Spock as she passed him.

Spock approached Nyota and said, "I apologize for my tardiness. I was in my new living quarters, trying to end a transmission. I came as quickly as I could get here."

"Your living quarters are listed in the system as classified. What if Styik was trying to reach you?"

"He knows where I am sleeping." Spock answered. "Nyota, what is it that you wish to speak with me about?"

"Can we be alone?" She asked.

"It is preferable." Spock stated.

The talk went well, considering the discussion. Nyota believed that Spock should have full custody of the children, as long as she was not well. She would be involved in therapy sessions, via transmissions, with a xenopsychiatrist who she had known for years, but not close enough for her to feel too uncomfortable with her. The doctor, Samara, was Nyota's younger brother's girlfriend and a close friend of the family. They simply called her "Mara", but to separate herself from the idea that the woman was her friend, instead of her doctor, Nyota was calling her Dr. Mara.

Apparently, unbeknownst to Nyota when she contacted Dr. Mara, the woman was a specialist in rape cases. Everyone in xenopsychiatry had thought that Mara's selection of specialty was a foolish choice, but Mara informed Nyota that each time one of the victims had some type of breakthrough, it made her choice worthwhile. Nyota seemed hopeful that Dr. Mara could help her past her current tragedy. Spock also hoped that the woman would be successful. Nyota said, on the matter, "The sooner that I get better, the sooner we can get better." She stroked her fingers across the back of his hand, sending a pleasant shiver through him.

Spock watched her fingers return to her mug of tea and she began to drink. They were seated at the table in the quarters that they had shared. None of the children were around, and Spock wished to share with her. He knew that it was too soon, therefore, he simply enjoyed the privilege of being in her presence. She had more to discuss: while the children were in Spock's full custody, she wished that she could see them when she wished, as long as she was in stable condition when she wished to see them, and they should be able to see her whenever they wished, as well. Spock agreed with these conditions.

Furthermore, she did not want them to speak about divorce, nor breaking their bond, at all, while she was in therapy. If either of those things were to come to pass, it would have to be in the event that there was no hope for her to recover.

"Nyota, when we were on the mission. You said something to me..."

"I didn't." She said. She knew exactly what _something _he was referring to. It had hurt her to hear herself say it to him - I hate you- She never would have said that to him. She smiled softly at him and said, "It was me who said _I love you, _at the beginning."

"Do you still?" Spock asked.

She laughed at the question, which caused him to flinch a little. "Spock, if I did not love you, we would not be going through this. If I didn't love you, I would just let you go... but I can't do that. I hope that I won't do that, ever. Right now, I just need time to myself, similar to the time you needed to yourself after our issue with Livingston."

"I shall respect your wishes. You respected mine." He said, "However, in the duration of that time, I was allowed to touch you. Doing so proved quite beneficial in my process..."

"I am not ready. I'm sorry, but I am afraid that if there is more than slight brushes of contact that the touch will go deeper and farther, and I may have another episode like the one that I had the other night." She lowered her head and rested it on her intertwined fingers as her elbows rested on the table. "I hope that you realize that the main reason that I made you leave was for your sake. It was not because I did not want you there. It was because I don't want to hurt you anymore than you are already hurting." Her eyes looked up at him, but her head stayed where it had been on her hands.

"Time apart may be beneficial." Spock said. He should have left the statement there, but he expounded, "Your treatment of me as of late has been quite vexing. Now that you have spoken of exactly what you are in need of from me, I can assist you in your quest for healing." She frowned at him and sat up straight. Spock took a swallow, but did not react very much beyond that. He knew that he had said something wrong. They had been so comfortable, thus far that he had not handled her with the same delicacy that he was trying to tell himself to handle her with. He now believed that something additional was needed, in order to attempt to rectify whatever he had just done to upset her. "I only wish to bring you happiness again, Nyota."

"Happiness?" She scoffed, picked up her tea, laughed and asked, "What do you know about happiness, Spock?" She sipped her tea.

"That I have failed you in it numerous times in our relationship, and that nothing that I have done within the past six weeks has brought it upon you. Perhaps I should go, now." Spock stood and took the mug of tea which he had been drinking to clean it and put it away. "I did not have the opportunity to obtain my possessions from the lavatory."

"They are still there." She said. Spock went into the bathroom and saw the mirror. He leaned closely to it and saw that there were small traces of dried blood in the wreckage of it. After further examination, the shape and size of the damage point, he concluded that Nyota had took a swing at the mirror. He looked at her from the bathroom and she was looking right back at him. "Better it than you, am I right?"

When she made the comment, he thought about her hitting him across the face. It had not been the least bit physically painful. He had hardly felt the strike at all. She might have seriously hurt one of the humans if she had struck one of them in the same way, but not him. No, it was his heart that hurt at her attack, just as it hurt now at her suggestion of wanting to strike him. He asked, "Does it help you to say hurtful things to me, Nyota?"

She placed her mug down, crossed her legs and rested her hands on her thighs. Her head tilted, and she narrowed her eyes, "Actually, Spock, it really does. That is a terrible thing to say, but it is exactly true. I _want _to hurt you. Some part of me hates myself for it, but the larger part of me encourages that part of me to get over it, and hurt you, in whatever way I can." Her face was distorted in disgust.

Spock sighed and returned to the table, saying, "If this truly will help you to feel better, I shall try to endure any hurtful words that you wish to express."

She laughed, "Endure?" She stood up and began to pace the floor as she said, "As though anything that I say will ever be able to hurt you the way that you hurt me! And I know that it wasn't your fault. You were a victim, as well as me, but that does not help me to look at you, or let you touch me!" She shivered when she said the word "touch".

Spock could not respond. He practically believed that if he spoke, or even moved that he would fall apart. Nyota stopped pacing and said, "I didn't mean to say that. Spock, I am hurt and angry and afraid... and the responsible parties are dead, now, and I feel like there is no one else to take all of this out on but you or myself, so you _do _need to go, before it ends up being you, again."

He considered her words for a moment. He wanted to protect her at all times, at all costs, at every turn. She had just suggested that if he left that she may possibly do something to hurt herself, in the same sentence, she had suggested that he leave. It would be illogical for him to leave her alone, in a situation where she may harm herself. Spock informed her, "I will prefer for you to take out anything that you feel needs to be taken out on me, rather than yourself. I will endure anything to help you, Nyota. There are many things that you have asked of me in the past that I have failed to do for you, however I vow to you that at this point, there is nothing that I will deny you in an effort to help you." Spock became suddenly aware of tears on his cheeks. He wiped them away, shocked that within these weeks of darkness, tears had come more frequently than they had within years of being together.

"Leave, please. Honestly, before I hurt you any further." She rushed over to the nightstand to retrieve a calming hypo for herself. She gave herself the injection, then sat on the bed and began to cry.

Spock now hurried over to the bed and kneeled in front of her. He asked her, "What do you need? Tell me." Suddenly, she remembers asking the same question, in the same exact way. The love that she had felt for him then was unmatched at the time and she never thought that it would leave her heart. She could not believe that it was gone, because without it, she no longer knew who she was, but there was an emptiness within her, threatening to take away everything that she knew to be her love. She needed it gone, but right now, she needed him gone.

"I need you to leave." She said. It was not what she needed, but if he stayed much longer and her hateful side became prevalent again, it would shatter her heart into dust. "I am going to lay down. I promise that I will not do anything to harm myself beyond thinking bad thoughts." He frowned, but nodded. He got up and hesitantly left the room. As promised, she laid down in the bed.

Being civil was not particularly difficult for them on the bridge. It was the most that they had to interact. Nyota was making notes on her PADD, and Lt. Hawkins was at the communications station when Spock heard the words, "Are we still on for later, Uhura?" Spock turned to see Nyota talking to the other communications officer on the bridge.

She replied, "We sure are. I feel like dancing." She smiled and said, "make sure that Scotty does not make the punch. I'm taking hormonal injections and any alcohol can have an adverse reaction."

"I'll make sure that there are bottle drinks, just for you, Uhura." The long faced, square jawed man said, tenderly.

Nyota smiled and said, "You are too kind, Hawky."

Spock felt his nostrils flare. Jealousy. It had been a while since he battled with jealousy. As a matter of fact, he had been so sorrowful lately that the emotions closely related to anger (like jealousy, annoyance, etc), had not been a component of his experience.

Lt. Hawkins looked over at him and asked, "Do you have any special requests, Commander?"

Spock raised his eyebrow and said, "I do not know what you are speaking of, Mr. Hawkins."

"My birthday, Sir. I am having a few close friends in my quarters for a little party. As Lt. Uhura's husband, you are invited along. Is there anything in particular that you would have me make certain is there?"

"No, there is not, as I will not be attending the event. May your birthday be a pleasant one." Spock said and faced his station.

Lt. Hawkins looked at Nyota and whispered, "Did I say something wrong?"

"He is not really the party type, Hawk." She said.

"I am pretty sure that I have seen him at several parties, before. I assumed that he accompanied you so that the other men would not try to get too close." He responded.

"Well, as he just told you, he will not be attending, so I guess that the other men can get as close as I'll allow." She laughed lightly, until Spock turned completely in his chair with the most displeased look that she saw him make at her in a while. Hawkins looked at Spock, too, then buried his face in the screen at the station.

Spock asked, "Lt. Uhura, have you completed your logs for this afternoon?"

"No, I have not, Commander." She replied.

"Please do so in a timely manner. Perhaps if you and Mr. Hawkins will place more focus on your jobs, you could finish your duties." Spock said.

"Perhaps, Commander." Nyota replied and continued with her work.

Spock fumed, silently. Therapy seemed to be helping her, and as she had said to him when she told him about her decision, the sooner she got better, the sooner they could get better – their relationship was not growing. It was not being worked on, built on. She was beginning to open up to others, but she had not given him such a privilege, and he was becoming quite mindful of it. Lt. Hawkins was a man that Spock did not want anywhere near Nyota. When the Enterprise had faced Nero, Hawkins had been replaced on the bridge by Nyota, and upon returning to the ship after that particular event, Nyota had helped Hawkins with his linguistics, and Spock had always detected some attachment on Hawkins' part. He did not need any attracted, attached males spending time with Nyota while she was trying to heal.

"Lt. Hawkins." Spock stated his name. Hawkins looked up from his screen and Spock approached the station. "Who will be amongst your close friends at your birthday gathering?"

Hawkins began to list, "Chekov and Sulu, definitely, and Scott never misses a party, of course." Already there were four men that Spock believed to have affections towards his wife. Maybe not Mr. Sulu, but he certainly found her attractive. Hawkins kept listing, "Janice will stop in, and Chapel may show up, and beyond that, you may not really know any of my other friends aboard the ship. But, Lt. Uhura is the one who suggested that I have a gathering. She said something about she could use a celebration, and I told her that I would only have one if she came."

"You are quite fond of her, are you not, Lieutenant?" Spock asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I have the utmost respect for her, Commander Spock." Lt. Hawkins answered.

Spock knew exactly what he would be doing tonight – throwing fists at a punching bag. In the last four weeks that he and Nyota had not been in the same living quarters, the practice had become almost as regular as his meditation.

Meditation had become something that he did more frequently, obsessively basing his center around Nyota. Sometimes he focused all of his energy on her scents. He would think of how her hair smelled like honey and almonds after she washed it, and how her skin smelled like African shea, after she finished nourishing it. He sometimes focused on the softness of her skin, and mentally compared it to flowers which he studied when learning about botany, as a side study during all of his scientific quests. He would think of how she looked during their bonding ceremony and Vulcan marriage, and replay the entire ritual in his head until he felt at peace. He would think of her having his babies, nursing them and loving them. These were the thoughts that helped him to exist without her direct influence in his life.

In the past ten weeks, he had not been able to touch her, in the past four weeks, he had not been able to wake up and see her face, or smell her scent next to him as he slept. Spock suddenly realized that he held a firm grip on his scanner, and that he had just missed a question from Captain Kirk. Everyone on the bridge was facing him. He tilted his head at Kirk and said, "I apologize, Captain. I am afraid that I did not hear your question."

"Just wondering about the atmosphere of the planet that we are nearing, Spock." Kirk said, with a slightly annoyed smile on his face.

Spock began to report, coolly.

When it was time for Kirk, Spock, and McCoy to go to the surface of the planet, Nyota resumed the communications console. Kirk had this rule that when he was on the surface, she was in the chair (unless incapacitated). She did not mind it, much. Usually, when he left the ship, he brought Bones and Spock with him. Today's mission was no different. Scotty had the comm, and was sitting in the Captain's chair, and Chekov was turned around in his chair talking to him when the ship shook, as though they were in a storm, and Nyota, without thinking at all, screamed. Everyone turned to look at her and she shook her head. She took the ear piece out of her ear and rushed off of the bridge, falling several times on the way out.

Scotty pointed to Hawkins and said, "Mr. Hawkins, cover her. Mr. Chekov, check on her." Chekov nodded and stumbled around trying to hurry behind Nyota. He caught her in the hallway, as she had stopped running and was seated on the floor, leaned against the wall. Chekov knew that now was not a good time to suggest to her that her skirt was too short for her position. He sat next to her on the floor and she hugged herself.

"I have to stop working. I can no longer handle it. When the storm started, it reminded me of that mission. When Parmen was on the surface, suffering from delirium, and the ship began to go crazy, like we were caught in a storm. There are always reminders, Pavel. When Captain Kirk and Spock hear about how I just reacted on the bridge, I will be demoted, and back in communications monitoring station twelve, on deck four, like I was when I first stepped onto this ship."

Chekov wrapped an arm around her and said, "Lt. Uhura, you must handle your life one day at a time. You are a fighter..."

"Stop it. I do not want to hear about how I am a fighter, okay? Because I just ran away. I _screamed _and ran away, so there's your fighter."

"I still don't know exactly what happened. You have not spoken with me about it, and it is killing me, Uhura." Chekov said.

"Those aliens that we came across on that planet forced Spock to force himself upon me. All of the injuries that I came back with were physically inflicted upon me, by Spock." Chekov gasped when he heard this.

"There were so many theories floating around. All of them hideous, but this I never imagined."

"I have therapy sessions three times a week, and I have to keep hypos near me, in case I have a panic attack, or an outburst, or a great depression... I never know. I sent Spock away. He's living in separate quarters from me, and I have legally given him full custody of the children, because I was exposing them to things that I never want them to have to be exposed to. I feel so alone, but I feel like if I let anyone in right now, I'll only hurt them." She did not cry, but Chekov was not surprised about that. She did not cry often, as far as he knew.

The turbulence had stopped and they heard Hawkins' voice over the speaker say, "Chekov and Uhura, please report to the bridge."

Chekov stood up and helped her up as well, "Uhura, if you need to speak, you do not have to talk to a therapist. You can talk to me. You _should _talk to me. I love you. I do not want you to go through this alone. If something happened to me, you would not let me go through it alone."

"Pavel, I will talk to you, more, I promise, but, I don't know how much more, and I can't make any promises about that."

"Fair enough, Lieutenant." Chekov answered.

When they returned to the bridge, Scotty held his hands out, about to question them about what had taken place. Chekov explained, "Lt. Uhura feared at an awkward moment that she had left her replicator on, and she rushed to her quarters to find that she had indeed turned it off safely and there was no fire hazard. She is quite embarrassed by her mistake, though."

Nyota laughed and said, "Silly me." Scotty pressed his lips together. He did not believe a word of it, and she had better believed that he would have words with her about it, later.

But for now, Scotty asked, "Well, now that you've gotten your cardiovascular conditioning for the day, do you think you could get back to your station?"

Nyota smiled, awkwardly and answered, "Yes, Mr. Scott." She resumed her spot and sighed. When Spock returned, she planned on seeking his counsel on what she should do about her recent discrepancy. She would be completely honest with him about what she had done, why she had reacted the way that she had, and ask him sincerely what he believed she should do. Despite their distance, she still trusted Spock's judgments, decisions, and advice as far as her eyes could see. He would help her, genuinely. He would tell her what she needed to hear, and he would not avoid giving her guidance. In a lot of ways, he was still her mentor. In every way, she still loved him.


	5. The Essence

**The Essence**

Her morning began as regularly as usual. She awoke when her alarm sounded, and she knew that it was before many of the other people on the ship would have been awake. She yawned, sat up, completely naked, and rather sore. She stretched her arms twisted her body to her left and right, then shook the man in bed next to her. "It's morning. I have to get ready for my shift." She told him. The man sat up and she said, "You are supposed to leave in the night. We agreed that you would not be here in the morning when I awoke."

"You went unconscious during the strangulation. I was worried..."

"AND we agreed not to discuss what we do. Please leave." Christine said, finally climbing out of bed.

She retreated into her bathroom and studied the bruises on her neck. This one was rougher than the others, and she had enjoyed that much... but he proved to fail at following rules. The first time, he had failed to adhere to the safety word. He had not completely ignored it, but had hesitated and asked her if she was sure. She thought that she should rid herself of him then, but he handled her so aggressively when they did meet that she had not wanted a minor glitch to ruin his potential. The second time, he had asked her if something was hurting her, with a bit too much concern. She explained that if there was a problem, she would use the safety word, but her mood had been ruined by his breach of character. And now this – still here in the morning, _after _her meds had worn off. Unforgivable. He would have to be replaced.

She showered, then applied concealer to the marks on her neck. This one was a biter, and she loved that. When he took her from behind, he would bite her on the back of her neck, and with him behind her, with her not looking at him, she could imagine him in her head as Spock. She cursed herself for thinking that way. She and Lt. Uhura were friends, and now even closer than either of them ever would have guessed that they could be, and here she was having _rape fantasies _about the woman's husband... as though rape fantasies alone were not troubling enough! As though her rape fetish was not troubling. She opened her cabinet and took a hypo.

She could not understand herself lately. After what happened, she thought that she should loath the thought of being forced, instead, she not only embraced it, but sought it out. In fact, Tudor was just the latest on a growing list of far too many. Ten weeks had passed. The first three weeks, she was still shaken. As a medical professional, she fully understood the necessity of seeking medical help quickly, and she had done so. Therapy and medication had become a part of her everyday life, well every other day for the counseling. But, something else became a part of her life.

Three weeks after the ordeal, Christine was still having nightmares about it, however her nightmares did not occur in the same way that the event had. In her nightmares, no one was there but she and Spock, and he was doing to her, what he had done to Uhura, _but _she was enjoying it. When she awoke from the "nightmares", she was aroused and moist with the thoughts. She touched her own body and it felt like someone else's. She touched herself, thinking of Spock forcing himself upon her. And she came on her fingers from the disturbing fantasy.

To try to convince herself that she was not crazy, and that the thought actually _did _appall her, she experimented with it. She selected a male and explained to him certain rules, the safety word, not being present when she arose in the morning, etc, and proceeded to play a game in which she was a rape victim, being held down and sexually forced. "Wafer pudding" was all that she would have had to say to end it, but her brain never got around to forming the words. With his large hands wrapped hard around her small wrists and his throbbing penis ramming her mercilessly, the thought of stopping him never even crossed her mind. He had followed the rules, but within the next few days, Christine discovered that he belonged to another woman on the ship.

She felt sick about it, but instead of stopping altogether, she decided to pick her partners more carefully. The list of rules grew, and the list of qualifications, as well, but the most frequently growing number of the entire situation was the list of men whom she had given herself out to in this way. She had wanted to ask Lt. Uhura if she was having a similar problem – if she had developed this desire to revisit that time, and this hunger to be forced, but it would have been too personal, and too inconsiderate, considering that Uhura had been treated far more forcefully than she had. It upset her to think of seeing that happen to the woman, and she felt extremely embarrassed about the fact that she had desired such treatment for herself.

Christine would explain in the beginning that if she asked for the partner "Please do not..." that the action that followed was the desired one. "Please, do not slap me, please you not choke me, please, no harder", etc. Some of the men would become disturbed by the requests. One of them had went completely limp when she had said, "Please, do not spit on me." He left of his own volition and told her that he could not do this, but she had a back up. She made certain that she had back ups, and even recycled two or three of the ones which had been omitted previously. Her counselor spoke to her about the unhealthiness of this. Christine debated about the fact that she had researched her condition and that in Earth's history, it had been considered a lifestyle choice.

The counselor informed her that such a lifestyle choice was probably prompted by a tragedy, and in which case, a victim reacted in a way unhealthy to themselves and in contrast to the path of their recovery. Christine promised to try to stop. The doctor had prescribed her something that would help to weaken her sex drive, and hoped that it may help her not to desire to do these things, so that they would not conflict with her therapy, but Christine did not take the medicine. In fact, the hypos that she took for depression increased her sex drive, and she enjoyed it. The next morning, though, she generally felt as ashamed as she had upon being exposed to the Platonians when the captain was inside of her.

If it had been Spock inside of her, she feared that she might have enjoyed it, even then. Now, he was living by her. He had taken up quarters next door and she was quite relieved for the fact that the walls were sturdy enough that he could not hear, but mindful of the fact that he had a Vulcan sense of hearing, and wondered if he could hear something. Then, the thought of him _being _able to hear, possibly, excited her even more. She was so ashamed of herself.

Her day went on, as usual. Breakfast with Janice and speaking about Lt. Hawkins' party later on... Christine thought for a moment. Hawkins, he was an attractive man, to her, on not on her list, yet. He seemed that he might be eager to please, though. Her mind drifted. Janice stared at her for a while and said, "I know that look. What are you up to?"

Christine laughed and said, "I was just thinking about Hawkins' party. If I stop in, it will be towards the latter portion of the night. Is Uhura going to come?" now Christine looked strange, to Janice. Janice had to admit, she didn't know _that _look.

"As far as I know, she'll be there for the most part of the thing. Hawkins is really close to her. Not Chekov close, but close enough." Janice answered. "Why?"

"I am wondering if Mr. Spock will be there." Christine admitted.

Janice sighed and said, "Chris, I am surprised that you would consider taking the time when they are trying to hold their family together to resume trying to put the moves on him..."

"I am not doing that. I am just curious about how they interact with each other in social settings. Professional settings are different. I am curious, and it would be rude of me to ask."

Christine took a sip of her coffee, and Janice squinted at her neck, "Chris! You have a bruise on your neck... Oh, my. You didn't try to hang yourself, did you?"

Christine laughed lightly and said, "No. I have no intention of killing myself, Janice. Things got a little rough last night."

Janice sighed and said, "I want you to talk to your counselor about changing your medication. Apparently this one is not working, because you seem to be getting worse with your lifestyle choice."

"I will tell him that the senior medical officer's wife said so." Christine said. She and Janice left the mess hall at the same time, but they went separate ways.

Watching whatever it was happening between Spock and Uhura, and being kept at an arm's length away was more troubling for Kirk than what had happened on the planet. He had the feeling that he was handling it better than anyone else involved, but he strongly believed that a mission accomplished was one more that he did not have to worry about in the future. As far as he was concerned, his struggles with the Platonians was over, and he had won. As far as other members of his crew were concerned, daily life proved much harder for them to get back into the swing of, particularly Spock.

He looked at Spock as the ground became still again and asked him, "Any clue as to why that happened, Mr. Spock?"

Spock monitored hi scanner and said, "It would appear that this planet is gradually falling apart. Studying how such an event has occurred, I am afraid we will not have time to do so. It is a shame. Such a study may have been quite interesting."

"There appear to be structures, as though civilization was here at some point in time, and yet, there are no lifeforms here, and the structures have began to fall apart, themselves."

"There are lifeforms, Captain. No humanoid lifeforms." Spock corrected. "Perhaps, if there were humanoid lifeforms, as the structural designs would suggest, they left when they realized that their world was falling apart."

"Or they left because they tore their world apart." Dr. McCoy said, reaching down to pick something up. He held out his hand to Spock to show him a weapon. "It seems like there was recently a war in this place."

"Then it is also possible that whomever inhabited this planet has destroyed themselves." Captain Kirk said. "Let's check out one of the structures."

Spock and Dr. McCoy followed Kirk towards what appeared to be a museum of some sort. Upon entering, they saw a large memorial statue of a woman, seated on a throne, and at her feet were much smaller statues, of many men,bowed at her feet. Spock suggested, "I am presuming that this place is a temple and the statue represents a deity."

They came closer to the statue and Dr. McCoy touched the surface of it and said, "There is some type of dried, caked up substance on this statue. It... it looks like it might be dry blood, but, not human blood." He scanned it with the tricorder and said, "There are characteristics of blood to this substance, but I have no records of such a creature with blood this color blue, and my tricorder is not identifying it, either."

Kirk walked further, still. He walked behind the statue, and there were weapons, showcased in what looked like glass castles. "What happened here? Why would there be a temple with the statue of a goddess covered in blood? And these, at her feet, they have no blood on them. Also, the weapons. Why are there so many, and why in the temple, and why displayed as though in a museum?" Spock had to admit to himself that he was curious to know the events which had taken place on this planet, as well.

Dr. McCoy was collecting a sample of the blood on the statue. Kirk reached out and touched one of the glass castles which held the weapons, and burned himself. He hissed and pulled his hand away from the display. Spock walked up behind him and looked at his hand. Spock tilted his head at the display and said, "It does not appear to be hot. There is no heat coming forth from it, and yet you have burned yourself by coming into contact with it. Interesting storage area. Perhaps the weapons are not on display, but are being guarded."

"By whom? We have had no readings of life anywhere on the planet." Kirk said.

Once again, Spock corrected, "Of humanoid life. Perhaps the lifeforms on this planet are not humanoid."

"The statues are humanoid." Dr. McCoy said.

"Who are you and why have you entered the cursed place?" they heard a voice ask. They turned to see someone, who appeared to be human, but also appeared to be glowing, and could have been either a man or a woman, they could not tell from the appearance, or from the voice. "You must leave this place, or you may invoke a wrath upon yourself and your vessel."

The three men approached the being and Dr. McCoy scanned it. He stated, "You are energy. You are not a humanoid, at all."

"I am not energy, either. I am an essence, and you are intruding. Please leave, or we may have to become angry." The essence said.

"Of what are you an essence?" Spock asked.

"Of this place, of what it was, of what it was turned into by her." The essence answered. "And now, we await the time when this place shall pass and we may venture off to another place."

"Are you a... soul?" Dr. McCoy asked.

The essence reply, "You use such peculiar words. I am an essence, one of few who were able to escape the bodies before they were destroyed. You have bodies. It would be wise if you left before they are taken over by another essence."

Spock asked, "What did the woman do to the planet?"

"She gave them bodies, but they were not suitable. They praised her for finding a place in which we could come and take forms for ourselves of those that we deemed unworthy. The place was full of beings who were selfish and hateful. That were greedy and power hungry. They would do anything to achieve their own pleasures. They were not worthy of bodies. We did not know that the urges of these bodies were stronger than our power to force them to become our own. Their urges became our urges, and with our advanced mental capacities and resourcefulness, we became even worse than they were. War broke out. Some of us wanted to leave this place and find another, where the beings were just as unworthy of their bodies, but the bodies were easier to control once we took them over. Some of them wanted to stay here and enjoy the desires of these faulted bodies. This was their temple. After years of war, we were able to take their temple over. We began destroying the bodies and covering her image with the blood of the fallen, as a reminder to us that she was the cause of all of this. Their weapons we locked away and when there were no more of them, within the corrupted bodies that we had taken over, many of us began to turn on each other. Some of us have taken residence within the animal bodies on the planet. They are easily controlled, but I would not have been able to communicate with you. Please, before one not as nice as myself arrives, return to your ship and leave." The being floated backwards, and descended upon a nearby bird. It seemed to enter the bird and it flew away.

"Fascinating." Spock said.

Kirk contacted the ship and had them beamed up, immediately. It had been interesting, and he wished that they had been able to learn more, but he would put on the record what they had learned. It was too much of a danger to stick around on the planet, with beings of energy who could take over a body and make that body it's own and the planet itself falling apart, Kirk decided to heed the essence's advice.

They came back aboard the ship and automatically headed for the bridge. Kirk did not too much like missions that did not give him an adventure, but he had to think about the fact that he was responsible for over four hundred lives as captain of the Enterprise. He did not know how many essences were left on the planet and he did not know whether or not they had a way of getting aboard the ship, being that they were in fact, energy. Leaving promptly was the best thing to do.

Back on the bridge, Nyota approached Spock near the rail and opened her mouth to ask him if everything went okay on the surface, but before she had a chance to, the ship was hit by more turbulence than they had been, before. She fell back on the rail and Spock crashed against her, taking hold of the rail with both of his hands. They realized that his arms had her enclosed against the rail, but there was too much movement for him to readjust. Nyota reached out and threw her arms around him to try to still herself. The shaking was rattling her head, a little, and at the moment, he was the easiest thing for her to latch on to.

Spock took a deep breath as he and Nyota's bodies bumped together in the quakes of the ship. Her hair smelled so exhilarating to him and her hold on him was one of need. He kept only one hand holding to the rail and used to other to wrap around her, telling himself that logically, this would help to keep her from bouncing around the bridge, as some of the other crew members were doing. They held each other that way until after the movements stopped.

When the ship stilled, Spock let go of her, stared into her eyes, for a short moment, then let go of the rail and headed towards Kirk's chair. Nyota caught her breath as she returned to her own chair.

Kirk ordered, "Mr. Sulu, get the ship out of this place."

Sulu nodded and responded, "Aye, Captain."

Spock returned to his station, despite the fact that Kirk and McCoy were at Kirk's chair, talking, which was where Spock used to spend time after exploration missions, even smaller ones. Scotty was at the chair, too, listening to Kirk talk about the strange exchange with the alien life form. "So, they were parasites." he expressed.

"Made me think of the old myths about demons!" McCoy grunted. "I always wondered about that belief. If there is a God, and he created all of life why would he create demons, or Platonians!" Now, Spock and Nyota both turned to face Dr. McCoy. Neither of their faces revealed anything, but on this ship, the word Platonian had become an obscenity, even to those who did not know the whole story.

"Or Klingons." Scotty added, not even noticing the two officers who were alarmed by the mention of the "P" word.

Spock stated, "It is not logical for one to assume that there is one creator of everything within existence, but those who believe that there is are not necessarily unintelligent creatures." She knew that he was defending her beliefs. She did not respond. She simply returned to her station and kept her eyes on her frequencies.

Nyota decided that as Hawkins' friend, she should attend his party, first. She would have time to talk to Spock about her episode afterwards. but, before the party, she spent time with the children. Sytar had a bag of iced chocolate chip oatmeal cookies and a banana in his hand when he came into her room. "I brought you a present." He said.

She smiled and said, "Thank you! My favorite snack." She looked at Sanaa, who simply stared back at her. Sanaa seemed to be trying to figure out if Nyota was safe to come near, or not. She decided so and gave her mother a short hug.

Styik had a report for her, which he knew would make her day worthwhile. "I had Ambassador Spock send me a holo." He activated the portable holo player and the image of two small children, a four year old Vulcan boy with dark hair and a two year old brown skin Vulcan girl appeared. Nyota smiled and said, "Suzak and Tazar! Thank you, Styik."

Styik reported, "Ambassador Spock claims that all is well with the family. Grandfather is well, Tirza is well, and the children are both well, too. Vulrak has informed me that he has found a mate to bond with, and Arev is well." Nyota nodded.

She had not taken the time to contact anyone on New Vulcan, not even her parents. Lately, she kept thinking about the fact that her mother had insisted that she not return to active duty on a ship. She now thought that maybe she should have listened to her. Styik said, "And Grandmother Ashaki chewed me out on behalf of you not contacting her. She is worried that something is wrong. She has even contacted Uncle Toimu to try to find out what he knows."

"I will contact her soon. Thank you for relaying the message." Nyota said.

When the children were laid down to sleep, she headed for the party. There were mostly men present, and only herself, Janice, Christine, and two other women that she did not know. Considering the size of Hawkins' quarters, the room was crowded. Christine was seated fairly close to Hawkins as he was talking to her about his linguistics training, before coming to Starfleet. When he saw Nyota enter, he excused himself from Christine to greet his friend with a hug. Christine smiled and went to join them, to hug her, as well.

They talked a while, then Nyota suggested, "Can you put on something that I can dance to, please?"

Christine laughed and said, "Oh, yes! A dance. Dance with me, Uhura." She said, grabbing the woman's hand and placing her drink on the table. Nyota chuckled. _Christine is drunk._ Hawkins put on some music and Christine led Nyota to a small opening in the room and began to grind against her. Nyota giggled a little. She had never seen Christine drunk before, and had to admit that it was entertaining.

Christine grinded against Nyota and Nyota playfully rolled her body against Christine's, too. Every man in the room had paused to look at them. Janice smiled slightly to herself. She was glad that neither Spock nor Leonard were in the room. Spock would not want to see other men looking at his wife that way, and she did not want to see Leonard looking at her friends that way.

Nyota toned down her dancing, a bit. Christine's behavior actually was making her a little nervous. Christine's hands began to gently trace her curves and Christine was looking at Hawkins as she did this. Nyota looked at Hawkins, too, but her face was one of awkwardness. Hawkins sat down next to Janice, not taking his eyes off of the two women dancing. Nyota began to have some fun dancing, while trying to look less provocative. However, Christine bent over in front of Nyota and rolled her own hips on the woman.

Now, Nyota looked at Janice, who looked quite embarrassed about what she was seeing. Christine grabbed Nyota's hands and began to trace them over her own body. "Christine," Nyota began but Christine did not pause. She took Nyota's hands and gently slid them up her own skirt, with a seductive smile in Perkins' direction. "Christine!" Nyota snapped, pulling her hands away from the woman. Christine faced her and looked at her blankly. "I think that you've had too much to drink. Janice and I will help you get to your quarters."

Christine waved a hand and said, "Oh, you two! I'm not finished dancing. I'm sure that Lt. Hawkins would be willing to help me get back to my quarters after the party." Nyota grabbed her wrist and said, "No, he won't, because you'll already be gone, by then. Janice!" Janice quickly rushed to help Nyota drag Christine from the party. Nyota was visibly upset, but she did not say anything on their way to Christine's quarters.

Janice, however, said, "I knew that I should not have let her drink. She's on antidepressants. She's not even supposed to have alcohol, not to mention the fact that she's been..." She silenced herself and Nyota looked at her. Janice shook her head and whispered, "She isn't as strong as you, Uhura. She isn't handling it as well."

Christine looked at Janice and said, "I heard that!" Then she giggled. "Why did we leave the party? It was just a little dancing, perfectly harmless." Nyota held Christine's arm up to her scanner to open her room and she and Janice escorted Christine inside. Christine sat on her bed and said, "I was just enjoying myself. Things have been rough. Can't I just enjoy myself?" She began crying and Nyota sat next to her on the bed. When she did, Christine collapsed unto her shoulder and began to cry loudly. Nyota rubbed her on the back and held her for a while.

Janice and Nyota left after Christine had fallen to sleep. Janice sighed and said, "Thank you for making her leave. If I had tried that, she wouldn't have listened to me. She respects you though. She looks up to you and she probably is more embarrassed by the fact that you saw her act that way than she is by acting that way."

"She could have gotten hurt. Someone there could have taken advantage of her. I mean, I know that there were mostly good guys there, but she doesn't know all of them well enough to trust them with her teasing. It was stupid and dangerous!"

Janice sighed and said, "Maybe you and Christine could have a session together. Maybe it may help her to see that you are handling the situation in a wholly different manner."

"Not necessarily a better manner." Nyota said and stopped at the intercom. "Commander Spock, come in, please." She said. Janice waved to her and went on her way.

"Spock here." He spoke through the speaker. She witched the dial to where it was a private conversation and said, "Can you meet up with me. I have to talk to you."

"I can." He said. She began to walk, then she heard from behind her, "Lt. Uhura." She knew it was Spock's voice and she started a bit and turned to see him.

"Where did you come from?" She asked.

"My temporary quarters." Spock answered. "I am closer than your quarters, if you wish to enter." She met up with him and she walked into a room that she noted was right next to Christine's room. It bothered her for them to be living so close to one another, but she did not comment on this fact.

Instead, she began by telling him why she was in this hallway – about Christine's behavior at the party. She explained that she thought that Christine might be cracking, then she transitioned into the idea that she may be cracking, herself and told him about what she had done earlier, on the bridge. She finished her thoughts with the statement, "Maybe I should take a leave of absence while I get myself together. What do you think that I should do?"

Spock tilted his head and said, "It may appear as a weakness on your part to temporarily resign from a Starfleet post, and in the future when posts which you are qualified to handle arise, you may be overlooked for this decision. However, if you believe that it will help you to recover, I am inclined to think that the decision will be worth the sacrifices."

"I hate the thought of not being able to work. I figured that if I take the time off, myself, it will be better than if I crack under pressure during a mission and have to be removed from duty." She looked into his eyes, awaiting another response.

"I agree with you. You must speak with the captain about your decision." Spock told her.

"I planned on doing so when I left here. Will you be willing to come with me?" She asked.

"I certainly shall, if this is what you wish." Spock answered.

On their way to Captain Kirk's quarters, Spock told Nyota, "When we were on the surface of that planet, we met a creature who was composed of energy. It did not have a body of its own and its race would steal the bodies of those which they deemed unworthy of having bodies in order to exist within a form. The creature asked us to leave the planet before we fell prey to others like it." He thought for a moment, trying to think of the best way to say what he meant, "The creatures found that being in the bodies of the aliens which they had taken over, they were not as strong as what was in the bodies to begin with. They ultimately had to destroy the bodies to rid themselves of the body's former selves. They had to find new bodies of weaker creatures in order to continue on."

Nyota stared at him. "Spock, I heard the captain when he gave his report."

"I apologize if I am digressing. The creatures reminded the captain of souls or spirits. They reminded Dr. McCoy of demons. To me, they are like emotions. There were positive ones and negative ones and when they enter the body, they have the ability to change who the being was, and take over the entire body. That is how I view emotions, and why I try to rely upon logic, as opposed to emotion." Nyota smiled, slightly and nodded her head in understanding. He added, "I believe that you are stronger than the emotions inside of you. I believe that you can find a way to be certain that they do not take over your life."

She stared at him, unable to respond. It was one of the best compliments that she had ever heard and coming from him, it was one of the best things that she had heard in a long time.

Kirk sighed and rubbed his face with both of his hands. He looked at Nyota and said, "Lt. Uhura, I completely understand the fact that you think that you will not be able to perform your job, and if it may become a hazard to the ship for you to continue to work, then I have no choice but to allow you to resign from your post until you are medically cleared. However, you will have to leave the ship. It is against Starfleet regulations to have a resigned officer living aboard the ship." Nyota grabbed Spock's hand. Spock felt her nervousness. She had worked extremely hard to work on this specific starship, and although Captain Kirk was correct about the regulations, Spock knew that the protocol which Kirk spoke of was not the final word.

"Captain," he said, "If I may point it out, there is another regulation which allows Lt. Uhura to stay aboard the starship – the fact that she is the wife of a Starfleet officer, she is an exception to the rule which indicates that a resigned officer must depart from the ship." Now, Nyota and he looked at each other and she squeezed his hand.

Kirk nodded his head and said, "I think that I have heard of that. So, when Uhura is no longer an officer, she can live on the ship as your wife, but not as an officer. She will not be on the records as an officer."

"If she is admitted into a therapy program, she may be still listed as an officer, Captain." Spock said. Nyota took a deep breath and felt extremely grateful for to have Spock. Kirk looked a bit confused. Spock explained, "If Lt. Uhura was not my wife and made the decision which she has made, it would be mandatory for her to leave the ship and be placed in the care of a doctor, but she would be able to keep her status as an officer, until cleared to work again. Being that she is my wife, she can enter into the same program, but remain on the ship, while doing so."

Kirk smiled and said, "You have all the answers."

"I have considered all of the possibilities and presented the best one for Nyota's comfort during her healing process. It would not be beneficial for her to face this decision without the involvement of our family."

Kirk nodded his head and said, "Lt. Uhura, first thing in the morning, I want the two of you to be certain to enter everything that needs to be recorded into the ship's records. Lt. Uhura, you're dismissed. Spock, I have to talk to you."

Nyota squeezed Spock's hand again and asked, "Can you stop by the room after you're done here?" He nodded once and she left the room. "Goodnight, Captain."

Spock sat down at the table in Kirk's room, across from him. Kirk smiled at him and said, "This was _your _doing, wasn't it?"

"Captain?" Spock questioned.

"Did you give her the idea to quit working until she could master this trauma?" Kirk asked.

"No, I did not, but I did support her decision. I have found that at times, when Nyota has support, she gains confidence over not only her decision, but her ability to succeed in her decisions." Spock replied.

"Let me tell you something - I know that Vulcans have their own way of dealing with things, but I am ordering you, as of right now to join Lt. Uhura in therapy. She will have her same sessions, but you are required to have sessions, as well. I believe that it will help both of you and the children, and whether or not you think it will work, at least it will give the two of you the opportunity to share your issues with a professional mediator."

"You are ordering me to have therapy, Captain? Human therapy?"

"Yes, I am. I am commanding you to have regular sessions with Lt. Uhura, at least once a week, until she is back on duty, on my bridge." Kirk said. Spock did not reply. He was not pleased. He was a Vulcan. He did not need a human to tell him how to sort out his issues, but he had been ordered.

"Yes, Captain." He answered.

"Now, go see what she needs of you." Kirk said. Spock nodded once and left the room.

By the time he reached Nyota's quarters, she was already asleep. He entered the room to find her in the bed, still in her party clothes and sleeping soundly. He did not know if he should leave or not, so he pulled a chair and decided to sit next to the bed. If she awoke, she could share with him what she summoned him back to the room for. She stirred and her eyes blinked. She looked at him, "Spock, what are you doing?"

"I did not wish to disturb you." He said.

"Come here, come lay down with me." She said. Spock obeyed. She said, "I don't feel as bad tonight as I usually do. Right now, I just want to be held. If I change my mind and ask you to go..."

"I will be understanding to your wishes." He said. She wrapped an arm around him and he gathered her tightly into an embrace. She drifted back to sleep in his arms, and when she awoke the next morning, there she was, still in his protective, possessive embrace.


	6. Lonely

**Lonely**

She tried to climb out of bed, but he had quite a firm hold on her, as though he had no intention whatsoever of letting her go. She smiled to herself about this, then shook him a little to wake him. He opened his eyes and looked at her. Her hair was partially tousled on the right side, but she looked as beautiful as she ever had, as far as he was concerned. She warned him, "There will be two very adamant children demanding cereal, here, very soon." He nodded, still holding her. If she was not insisting that he stop, he saw no reason to do so. She smiled at him and said, "And I have to wash up before they get here." Now, he let her go. She got out of bed and gathered herself clothes.

Spock reminded her, "The captain wishes for all of the necessary records to be made for your temporary leave of absence first thing this morning."

"When Kirk tells me first thing in the morning, he better know that means after I am done making sure my children are all set for their day."

"I believe that first thing in the morning indicates that no other actions are to be performed before the order."

"Write me up." She said and disappeared into the lavatory holding her clothes. Spock sat still in the bed. He had no desire to write her up, but she was disobeying a direct order from the captain, and she did tell him to write her up, therefore, he thought that he may have to write her up, or at the least report her actions to the captain. After a moment, Styik came walking through the door and paused when he saw Spock. Sanaa and Sytar both ran into the room and hugged their father.

"Are you living here again?" Sytar asked.

Spock replied, "No, I am not. I am merely visiting."

He looked at Styik, who sat down at the table and opened his computer as he greeted, "Good morning, Father. When did you arrive for this visit?" Spock did not answer him. The content of the answer was not the child's business and did not need to be discussed in front of the younger children. Styik glanced at Spock, then faced his computer, realizing that Spock was not going to answer the question.

Nyota emerged from the bathroom wearing a red, skintight, Starfleet workout uniform. Her hair was in a low ponytail. She smiled at the children, and Styik noted that she seemed to be glowing. He wondered if she and Spock had engaged in romantic relations the previous night. For the fact that Spock did not answer his question, he presumed that Spock had spent the night in the room, which was certainly not only fine, but good. Then, with Nyota glowing, smiling and singing as she talked, Styik came to the conclusion that she and Spock were working things out. "I get her, you take him. The sooner that they have breakfast and get to their training exercises with the caretaker, the sooner that we can get the records completed." Nyota said.

She picked up Sanaa and Spock picked up Sytar. Styik followed behind them to the mess hall. Sanaa had oatmeal with raspberries, blueberries, and strawberries, and Sytar had cereal with marshmallows. Styik generally started his day with nut muffins, fruit and tea. Spock had slept better than he had in weeks the night before, and found himself surprisingly refreshed, and discovered that he was quite famished. (He had not been eating very regularly, either.) He had a stack of grain pancakes with a vegetable gravy and a bowl of fruit. Nyota was not hungry, but had to have breakfast for her injections, so she had some fruit and yogurt, and decided on non dairy milk to drink.

Breakfast was spent with her telling the children of her decision to stop working for a while to get better. Styik was seated with them until he saw Scotty, Chekov and Sulu walk in. He said, "Pardon me," and collected his things to go to sit with them. He had not had breakfast with the men in a while, and since Nyota seemed to be doing better, and Spock was with her, he felt at ease joining his older friends. Nyota frowned when he left the table, but she did not harp on it. After all, those were his closest friends, in his life. She wanted him to feel free to be happy.

Spock looked at her face and his eyebrow raised. She noticed and said, "I was just thinking about something. Nothing to be concerned about." Spock nodded once. Sanaa pushed her bowl in front of him, stood up, walked over to his side of the table, sat down on his lap and said, in a low voice, "Help." She tried to maneuver with her spoon. Nyota's eyes widened. She had never seen the girl ask for help before, and generally Sanaa became quite bothered when anyone tried to help her with anything. Spock took her hand in his and guided her spoon from her bowl to her mouth for the first few bites of her oatmeal. Then, she was able to do it herself. Nyota laughed at the thought that if she had just let someone help her in the first place, she could have had spoon-play down by now.

Janice and Christine entered the mess hall with Hawkins walking behind them. Nyota waved at the three of them. Janice smiled and headed towards the family. Christine looked quite uncomfortable, but followed, as did Hawkins. Janice placed her PADD next to Nyota and said, "Good morning, Lt. Uhura." She looked at Sytar and said, "Good morning, Sytar."

"Good morning pretty Miss Janice." Sytar said, boyishly flirtatious.

Hawkins laughed and asked, "Does he get his skills with the ladies from you, Commander Spock?"

Spock lifted his eyebrow and instead of wondering or correcting, or asking for further information to comprehend the meaning of the question, he simply decided on saying, "Sytar has learned all of his social interactions chiefly from his mother."

Janice smiled at Sanaa and said, "Good morning, Princess."

Sanaa said, "Good morning, Godmother." Janice was one of very few people that Sanaa spoke to, and that was because Janice was an advocate for spoiling Sanaa rotten and never commenting on her strange or mean behavior.

Janice announced, "I have to grab my breakfast, and I'll be right back."

Christine smiled and spoke to everyone at the table, then followed Janice. She asked, "Did it not seem like they were having a family moment, to you?"

"No, it didn't. Styik's with the guys, and Leonard and I are practically their family, anyway." Janice always had a big breakfast. She was all for keeping her girlish figure, but she was also all for starting her day out with a hearty breakfast.

Christine said, "Well, Preston and I are going to have breakfast together." Hawkins nodded and said, "Guess I shall see you later, Janice." Hawkins and Christine found a table and sat across from each other. Janice returned to the family's table.

Nyota asked, "How is she?" in reference to Christine.

Janice looked over at her friend, sitting down with who she was certain was her next partner candidate. Janice cut up her sausage and said, "She has been worse. More than anything, she feels bad about pulling you into her stuff last night." Janice sat silently for a moment, then said, "When I get the chance to get you alone, there is something that I seriously need to ask you about." Nyota nodded and ate a spoonful of yogurt.

A wave of laughter came flowing from the guys' table. Nyota looked over at them. Scotty was shaking his head and wiping his eyes, "This lad is a bad influence!" He said. Styik was looking at his computer, straight faced, as though nothing had happened, and Nyota smiled at the fact that he was becoming more and more like Spock, all the time. While everyone at the table around him was laughing, practically uncontrollably, he had hardly cracked a smile. She looked at Spock and noticed that he was monitoring Styik's actions, as well. He felt her eyes on him and turned to look at her.

Eventually, the table of males got up, and Janice checked her watch. "Oh, rats! I need to be leaving too. You know, you can set your watch by those guys. Chekov, in particular. When he stands up, they all know that it's time to head to their posts, and when they stand up, I know." Christine turned her head to look at the men leaving, and she got up, too. Janice pointed at her and said, "See, Chris does it too."

Before Nyota knew it, all of her friends had gone off to begin their shifts, and it was then that she realized just how lonely her road to recovery might be. Spock suggested, "Perhaps we should bring the children to their appointment so that we may finally follow the orders which the captain gave to us on last night." She nodded her head and made certain both children's faces were clean. She and Spock walked them to the closest thing to a daycare on the ship – one of the officer's wives had been an educator on Earth and now watched the children and taught them school lessons.

After they left Sytar and Sanaa with her, they went to the conference room where the small memorial shrines of their first two children were set up. They entered all of the information into the computer, and when they were done, Spock made his way towards the bridge and Nyota went to the medical bay to get her injections.

When Nyota came into medical bay, both Dr. McCoy and Nurse Chapel looked at her with confused expressions. She walked up to them and explained "I am not working, so I decided to get my injections over with for the day." She sat on a examination table and Dr. McCoy nodded to Nurse Chapel to retrieve the hypos.

Dr. McCoy leaned against the table and said, "I did not know that you were not working today."

"I am not working until I get better. I am having some trouble dealing with what happened on that planet and I have resigned from active duty to submit myself to a professional for recovery." She said. Her voice was even and she tried to disguise her sorrow, but Dr. McCoy knew her well enough, better than many people on the ship. Being her doctor, he had seen her in her weakest moments. When Nyota was sick or hurt, she became much gentler than when she was healthy and happy. He had seen her gentle, and he had even seen her afraid. She was afraid, now. She said, "But, thanks to my husband's wonderful brain and extensive knowledge of Starfleet protocol, I am not required to leave the ship during my treatment."

Dr. McCoy nodded his head and said, "I would never expect Spock to allow anyone to take you away from him, but maybe you. Seeing him from day to day, sometimes we humans seem to forget that he is half human. Sometimes he comes across as so damned Vulcan that we don't expect him to be as possessive as the rest of us are when it comes to our wives. Then, we see him around you..." McCoy smirked.

"I don't think that he acts possessive in front of others." She said.

"It is not that he acts possessive as it is that those who know him and love him can tell that even though he is not acting possessive, he is _being _possessive." She was inclined to agree with Dr. McCoy's assessment.

There were many times that Spock would intimidate other men into practically running away from her with little or no real effort. When questioned later about their reactions, they would admit that there was just something about the way that he looked at them, or something threatening or menacing in the slightest change of his tone. Spock could be standing perfectly still, with his hands behind his back and yet manage to terrify those who he deemed entering his territory, which Nyota was and considered herself, as much as he did to be so.

Spock had been protective of her since before they even were together. When they were just friends, she worked as a campus assistant at Starfleet and he was an instructor, and he proved highly protective of her, even then. When she became his significant other, then came the possessiveness, and it only grew over time. She was his, and he never wanted any other man anywhere near her, but understood that in their line of work and with her personality, that not only would other men be near her, but other men would touch her. She gave hugs, she patted them on the backs, squeezed their shoulders, and sometimes leaned closely enough to place her head on them when she laughed with them. It made him insanely jealous. When she treated him in the same way, it caused him to stir greatly inside, and the thought of her having the same effect on other men bothered him.

Nyota had tried to limit her contact with other men, knowing how uncomfortable it made him, but it made her just as uncomfortable to try not to touch others, as it was as much a component of who she was as his resistance to touch others or be touched by others. It had been a glitch in their relationship. She loved to be affectionate, him, not so much. She touched others, as a natural reaction, he hated when she did so. But still, he loved when she touched him, but not when she did so in a public setting. She had felt so restricted about the touching matter for the first two years, before deciding that he would just have to deal with who she was the same way that she had to deal with who he was.

Nurse Chapel finally returned with the hypos and handed them to Dr. McCoy. He gave Nyota her necessary shots as Christine walked away, again. McCoy watched her leave, then asked, "Is there a problem between you and Nurse Chapel?"

Nyota lifted her eyebrows at him and said, "I am not worried about any so called problems between me and anyone besides Spock."

When Nyota left medical bay, she went to the gym to dance. It was practically empty, which she appreciated, because she had no desire to be watched or bothered. She finished her workout, jogged back to her quarters, washed up, then commanded the computer, "Computer, play data slate in system."

The computer announced, "Playing current data slate."

The next voice which was heard was Spock's. He was speaking in Vulcan, but saying things that Nyota did not know that a Vulcan would ever say before meeting the Vulcans of passion on New Vulcan. He had given her the data slate when he returned to the Enterprise after the destruction of Vulcan, but he had made it before that time.

At Starfleet Academy, he had been an instructor and had given an assignment to three of his classes in which they had to select an alien language and Commander Spock assigned a report for his students in which they must write in other alien languages how to profess love for someone else in such a way to alleviate doubts about the emotion. The point of the assignment was to indicate whether or not the students had full understanding of words of love and related to love in the other languages, as love was a subject that most of the known alien lifeforms had words to describe to the best of the ability to describe love, and many times, several different words related to love, but in different contexts of it, rather than romantic or passionate love. the assignment was supposed to assess the students' ability to describe a complex subject in another language, while proving knowledge in the language, based on how properly the translations were created. Spock had told the students: "In most languages from English to Vulcan, the word "love" and associated words take up various forms, versions, and applications." He said that he was trying to use a subject that most of the students were familiar with to see if they were just as familiar with the word in other languages and if they could discern enough to apply the terms appropriately.

When Gaila had told Nyota about this assignment, Nyota nodded and said, "That is very true. In many languages, especially when dealing with alien languages, the different variations for the word love prove to be difficult to translate and interpret. Many species treat their concept of the word in different ways." Gaila had thought that the assignment had more to do with Spock's inabilities to share with Nyota how he felt about her, in words, and now, Nyota knew what Gaila had believed, all along – that Nyota was the heart of the assignment. Spock used much of the descriptions he learned of from his students in order to create proof of his emotions for Nyota. Nyota had placed the data slate into the computer system in her chambers the day after she put him out and listened to it each day, trying to memorize it, and have the words engraved in her mind, partially even trying to get herself to believe that every word he shared on the data slate was fact.

If only he knew how much he still meant to her... sometimes, she was not so sure if he did. But, from his display of protection, when Kirk seemed to be about to put her off of the ship, she was able to realize how much she still meant to him. The words on the data slate came into a greater focus... it was not just that Spock was admitting to being in love with Nyota, it was the fact that a Vulcan of logic was speaking of his love for someone, and that fact alone gave Nyota the necessary strength to work towards making things right between them, again.

After the data slate was done, she checked her clock. Mostly everyone that she was friends with would be on the bridge, working, and she did not have any business on the bridge. She felt so alone. Styik was probably in either the training room or the engineering room, but she had no business in the engineering room, either, so she headed fro the training room. Perhaps she could get some other forms of training in while she was unable to work.

Styik was not in the training room, to her displeasure. She had never used the training consoles before, but she was sure that it would not take her very long to figure out. She had been slightly interested in gaining more training in navigation. She activated the training console and began a learning session, in which the console instructed her. After the instruction course ended, she was to complete an assessment of what she had learned from the course. She ended up retaking this same assessment two times before passing with acceptable efficiency.

"Have you become interested in becoming a navigator?" She heard Spock's voice ask. She started at it, at first. She had been in the room by herself probably for hours until he arrived.

She laughed and said, "No. I'm just trying to keep busy."

"Dr. Mara has contacted the captain. Starfleet Command has given her permission to spend time aboard the ship to monitor you more closely, during your healing process. In the meantime, she has requested permission to treat all parties involved with the Platonian mission." Spock informed Nyota.

"What does that mean?" She asked.

"It means that she is going to be seeing and attempting to treat all crew members who were taken captive by the Platonians." Spock explained.

Nyota laughed and asked, "Even you?"

"Lt. Uhura, I have been ordered by the captain to attend sessions until you have returned to duty on the bridge." Spock said.

Her smile faded and she shook her head, solemnly. "I'm sorry, Spock. Just when I think that things are going to be okay, I realize that I'm holding you back. You shouldn't be ordered to attend sessions because I can't work."

"The captain seems to think that my attendance in therapy will in itself be therapeutic for you, and you are in no way _holding me back, _as you put it. I intend to go wherever it is that you go, on your path to recovery." Spock stated.

"When you had your emotional treatment on New Vulcan, I did not go with you." She said in a sad voice.

"Trust me, Nyota, you were with me." He said, softly.

Dr. Mara stepped off of the transporter pad and immediately smiled at Nyota. She said, "Miss Nyota. It is good to see you in person again. It has been quite a while. Over two years, if I am not mistaken." Mara wore her hair in a short bob with long ends draping her face. Spock acknowledged the woman with a slight nod and she smiled at him. "Hello, again, Mr. Spock. And where is the captain?" She looked around until she saw Kirk and smiled at him, "Right, you must be the one."

Kirk approached the woman and held his hand out to her, "James T. Kirk. It is a pleasure to have you on board, Dr. Mara, as I need my communications officer fully functional as soon as possible."

Mara looked at him with an amused grimace, "You will need to be fully functional, as well, Captain. As far as I know you are on my list of those who I must have sessions with." She consulted her PADD and read off, "Captain James Kirk, First Officer Spock of Vulcan, Communications Officer Lt. Nyota Uhura, Senior Medical Officer Dr. Leonard McCoy and Nurse Christine Chapel... _If _my instructions are correct." Spock lifted an eyebrow and looked at Kirk.

Kirk frowned at the woman and said, "Dr. Mara, I fully understand that you have been given instructions, and everyone on that list is going to comply with the orders given to us by Starfleet Command. Let me just remind you, Doctor that this is _my _ship, and I will run it, no matter who they send to do whatever job it is that you think you are here to do."

"I am only here to help, Captain." Mara stated in a soft tone with kind eyes gracing Kirk's face. He smiled at her and nodded his head politely. She lowered her PADD and said in a stern tone, "Thank you for agreeing to comply. You are the first of the group which I will need a face to face private session with. When will be an appropriate time for our first session?"

"I'll let you know." Kirk said and walked away, ordering, "Yeoman McCoy, show Dr. Mara to her living quarters. Try to view my current schedule and figure a time for our..." he paused, looked at Mara up and down and finished the statement with, "session." He walked away, and Spock followed behind him with his hands behind his back.

When Kirk and Spock were down the hall, Dr. Mara said, "So, that is the infamous Captain Kirk. He has no idea how many psychiatric care workers would love to have an opportunity to visit inside of his mind. I hope that he can learn that I don't let anything interfere with my work, not even a Starfleet captain's ego."

Janice looked at Nyota, then said, "Dr. Mara, I will show you to your quarters." The three women began to walk. Dr. Mara said, "I heard the captain refer to you as Yeoman McCoy. Are you related to the physician that I will be treating?" She asked.

Janice smiled and said, "Yes, I am the wife of Dr. McCoy."

"Ah, then you may need to speak with me once or twice, as well. Oftentimes, the families of those who have endured a traumatic event suffer as greatly or greater than the directly affected persons. I will evaluate those directly affected by the mission, as well as their loved ones." Janice nodded her head. She had been prepared for such a decision to be made, although she was sure that the most affected she had been by the event was not knowing everything that happened and feeling like an outsider because of it, among all of her closest friends on the ship.

Mara talked all the way to her room, telling Janice that she would need all of her patients' regular schedules to try to create a normal sessions program. Kirk, McCoy, and Spock's sessions would have to rotate around their schedules, but Christine's sessions could be at Dr. Mara's convenience, although Mara would not do that. Of course, Nyota's sessions would be determined around a light schedule, considering the woman did not have shifts on the bridge, currently. The conclusion that Mara came to was that she would need everyone's schedules to create a proper schedule for all of them, not to mention the fact that she would eventually need joint sessions. Janice vowed to get the information to her as soon as possible.

Mara went into the quarters which had been reserved for her and began to set up her office. Kirk had given her permission to use one of the conference rooms as an office, but she insisted that her quarters would serve just fine. Once she was within her room, Janice left her to her dealings, but Mara invited Nyota into the room. Nyota bode Janice farewell and joined the therapist inside of the room. Dr. Mara asked, "Will it be comfortable enough for you? You are my prize patient, after all."

"Prize patient?" Nyota questioned.

Mara smiled slightly at her and said, "Nyota, one day, it is very possible that you and I will be related by marriage, if Toimu and I can ever agree on it at the same time. The closest person to me in my life is one of the closest people to you. I have a strong emotional investment in your recovery. Besides, the Lady Ashaki has already thrown threats and insults at me on the future of myself and House Uhura in the event of my failure to help." Nyota covered her mouth with her hand, in disbelief, but knowing that the words were true. Mara added, "And Toimu repeatedly reminded me to take care of his sister. So, Nyota, while your case in itself is enough motivation for me to do well, clearly you know that I have no intention of letting you, or anyone else involved down."

Nyota nodded and said, "The place will be comfortable."

"And will Spock find it agreeable?" Mara asked.

"Spock goes with the flow." Nyota told her.

"Even as it relates to being ordered into therapy?" Mara questioned, familiarizing herself with the room settings of the computer system.

"What are we doing right now?" Nyota asked.

"You are prepping me on the other patients. I wish to know your take on their situations, and there was no one better to begin with than your own husband." Mara said, as she programmed something into the system.

"Spock is Vulcan. He does not believe that he needs any therapy." Nyota answered.

"Vulcans need therapy as much as any other non mechanical being when dealing with a tragedy. I have dealt with Vulcan patients in the past. Not many, but I had the opportunity to work with them after the destruction of Vulcan, and I have also had Vulcan rape victims after the founding of New Vulcan, in its trial and error stages, in which women were being forcefully taken and claimed as property, so I know how difficult it will be to get Spock to participate. But, while he is here, he may as well be comfortable." Mara smiled, shut the control panel to her room's temperature, then asked, "Does it feel like it's becoming warmer in here, to you?"

"Yes, it does. I can have someone look at your controls."

"No, I was just checking to see if the synchronization worked. One of my off world patients gave me a gift for gratitude and with it, I am able to synchronize my brain with the computer system. I can't do it to the point where I could control an entire ship or even an entire building, but a room, yes. So, basically, I just have to think of what I want the computer in my room to do, and it will do it."

"Spock would find that fascinating." Nyota said, finding it pretty fascinating, herself.

"Good, we will have at least one more thing to discuss. For Spock, I already know that our sessions will have to begin with the focus elsewhere. Fortunately, I have followed the study of the Vulcan cloning program, and many other fields of science that may be as interesting to Spock as they are to me. He will take much longer than you to speak to me about his personal issues, so in that waiting period, the best thing for me to do is gain his respect for my understanding of science, correct?"

"I believe so." Nyota answered.

Mara nudged her head at a seat and Nyota sat down. Mara sat across from her and said, "Spock will most likely benefit the most from these sessions, once he lets his barriers down, because he will be the one most likely to have the logic and the discipline to accept logic. From what I can gather, just looking over the patients' records, the one who will have the biggest problem with it is the nurse." Now, Nyota took a deep breath. Mara placed a hand over Nyota's and said, "You do not have to tell me anything about her as it relates to the attack. In fact, I would rather not learn about things on that level accept for from the patients themselves. I just wanted to know your opinion about my prediction of her progress and your reaction was enough for me to feel confident and justified in having her visit me every other day, just as you have been. May I have a tour? I would like to meet the patients that I did not have a chance to meet upon arrival."

"Yes, I'll introduce you to them. Both Dr. McCoy and Nurse Chapel should be in the medical bay, unless Dr. McCoy is on the bridge, in which case, we'll have to meet him later." Mara nodded.

When Dr. Mara met Dr. McCoy, Nyota stood still, just watching them interact. To her, Dr. Mara came across as a tourist. She seemed to have genuine interest in the people in front of her. The problem with the correlation, as far as Nyota was concerned was the fact that Mara's visit was within the minds of these people. Nurse Chapel seemed terribly nervous about Dr. Mara's presence when she was introduced to her. Christine informed the woman, "I have been seeing the same therapist since the event and I have gotten quite used to him."

"I have no intention of stealing you away from him. The two of us can work together. All I want is for everyone involved to heal, Nurse Chapel. You work in the medical field, surely you understand the need to see people's pain alleviated. The difference in my need and yours is that there are no hypos to alleviate the pain that I deal with. There are hypos to temporarily ease it, but I am striving for healing. I look forward to seeing you." Nurse Chapel forced a smile and walked away.

Nyota gathered her children from their room and headed for Spock's quarters. Dr. Mara had suggested that they have a dinner night within the confines of one of their quarters, so that their family would not be interrupted by the conversations, glances, or invitations of others eating. Nyota thought that it was a nice idea. Spock did not have a response about it. The table in Spock's quarters was a bit larger than the one in Nyota's, therefore gave them more room to actually have dinner. Spock had brought a cart of prepared food from the mess hall to the room, for his family.

On the way to the room, he encountered Christine and Hawkins. Hawkins looked nervous when he saw Spock, but spoke, politely, "Hello, Commander. Are you very hungry, tonight?" He looked at the cart.

Spock's gaze went back and forth from Christine to Hawkins, then he answered, "My family is eating dinner with me tonight in my quarters."

Now, the color left Hawkins' face. He asked, "Is that so? You must be delighted." Spock lifted an eyebrow, about to respond, but Hawkins said, "No, Vulcans don't show delight. Well, I was just escorting Nurse Chapel to her quarters. I will see both of you tomorrow." Hawkins quickly left the hallway and Christine frowned at him.

She then smiled at Spock and said, "I am delighted, for you, Mr, Spock. I hope that you and your family have a nice night." She entered her quarters, then Spock entered his.

Sytar cheered when he saw his father enter the room., "Pumpkin burgers!" He said excitedly, as that had been what he had asked to eat. Spock began to unload food from the cart onto the table and Nyota watched him do so. When everything was out, he left the table and sat on the bed. Nyota turned to look at him, "You aren't going to join us?" She asked.

"The table is hardly big enough for the entire family to sit at." He replied.

"Come here, Spock." She said. He did so. She picked Sytar up and told Spock, "You can sit here." When he did so, she placed the boy on Spock's lap. Then, she placed Sanaa on her lap and pushed the empty chair that Sanaa had been in away from the table. Nyota smiled and said, "There. Plenty of room for the entire family."

"Sleepover!" Sytar cheered with a mouth full of pumpkin burger.

"Do not speak while you are chewing." Spock said to him.

Nyota looked at Spock's face. They had not attempted a family sleepover since the night that she put Spock out of their quarters. Since then, Spock had been living here, and she had been in their old quarters. The children, particularly the two small ones had slept in Spock's quarters frequently in that duration. Styik had slept in Nyota's quarters a few times when he was concerned about her. Only one time had Spock and Nyota slept in the same bed since then, but the children were not there that night, and if she had had an episode, they would not have been exposed to it. To be honest, she was unsure of whether or not a sleepover with the whole family was an acceptable idea.

The boy finished chewing, took a sip of his drink, then repeated, with even more enthusiasm, "Sleepover!"

"No." Sanaa said plainly. Everyone at the table looked at her. "Mother's scared." She said, softly, then continued eating. Nyota felt herself trembling. She looked from Styik's face to Spock's, then placed Sanaa on the chair and left the table.

Styik got up to check on her, but Spock said, "Allow me." He placed Sytar on his chair and walked over to the bathroom which, Nyota had disappeared into. "Nyota, may I come into the room?" He asked, gently. The door opened and he entered and shut it behind him.

She faced him and leaned back against the sink. "I wasn't going to punch your mirror in, Spock." She joked. Spock lifted an eyebrow. He realized that she was making a joke of her own mistake to try to make herself feel better about it. He also realized that it had not worked.

He placed his hands behind his back and asked, "May I be of assistance to you, in any way?"

"Because of me, not only do _you _have to participate in therapy, but everyone involved has to participate. Because of me!" She said, angry with herself.

Spock replied, "I believe that if blame is to be placed, the fault falls upon the Platonians. However, at this point, placing blame will not rectify the situation. At this point, therapy is a most logical step for all of the humans involved." She noted the fact that he pointed out the "humans", but she did not respond. After a moment of silence, he added, "In fact, Nyota, it is due to your leap of logic that the others will receive treatment which they may have forsaken otherwise."

"There is a bright side!" She said sarcastically. "I do not want to feel like this anymore. It makes me wish that I was born Vulcan, so I could walk into a cave and have somebody just go in my head and pick everything out of it, let me lay down for a few days until I could go back home." Spock reflexively reached out for her and touched her shoulders. She looked down at his hands and he pulled them away from her. "No," she said and came closer to him. She wrapped her arms around him and he returned the gesture. "Don't pull away, Spock. I'm frightened."

"I am here, Nyota. I am here." He said, stroking her hair with his hand as he buried his face in it.

"Can you really stay with me, through all of this?" She asked.

"You would stay with me, would you not?" He asked in reply.

Now, she began to cry, and said, "I sent you away. I made you leave our home and forced you to endure on your own when you are hurting just as much as I am."

"There is no reason to fault yourself, Nyota. Certainly, you are in control of your actions, however must I remind you that there was a time in which I withdrew myself from you in a dire time of need. Perhaps with Dr. Mara present to mediate between us, we can find a rational way of placing ourselves on a path that we must endure together."

Nyota looked up at his face and upon seeing love for her in his eyes, she kissed him. He held on to her tightly as they kissed, gently, paused, then kissed more deeply. This was the first time since the incident that her lips had touched his. Thirteen weeks, four days, three hours, and two point seven six three... There was a small knock on the door.

Spock heard himself grunt at the interruption, but he took a deep breath and quickly regained his composure. It was only logical that the interruption was made by one of his children, in which case, he did not want them to think that he was bothered by any of them. "I'm sorry." Nyota said, "I shouldn't have." He was going to question her about why she felt that she should not have kissed him. She was his wife, and it was natural for her to kiss him at an emotional time, as she was human. She opened the door and saw Sanaa standing there. Nyota looked at Spock and said, "I think that she needs to go." She cleared away the traces of tears from her face and left Spock to tend to helping Sanaa on the pot much bigger than the one she generally used.

Nyota returned to the table and Sytar climbed onto her lap and gave her a hug. "Are you scared of sleepovers, Mother?" He asked in a curious and gentle voice.

She squeezed him and said, "Actually, Mother _is _kinda scared of sleepovers."

She chuckled as she said it, but instead of him laughing with her, he sat up and told her, "Mother, you don't have to be afraid of anything. Father is with us." She smiled at Sytar's evaluation. If Spock was there, there was no reason to be afraid. She nodded her head, but at the end of dinner decided that she did not trust herself emotionally enough to participate in a sleepover.

She did insist that the children have a good time sleeping in Spock's quarters, but she herself left, and she slept alone. But, before she went to sleep, she had the computer on continuous play, so that she could listen to Spock's voice, professing his love, as she drifted to sleep.


	7. The Dr Mara Connection

**The Dr. Mara Connection**

Kirk was to be the first. Sure, she already had sessions scheduled with Nyota, for their usual times, but before she did anything else, she had to sit down and talk to the man that Starfleet gave the charge of one of their precious starships. Nothing about Kirk's behavior or demeanor indicated that he needed any type of therapy. In fact, Kirk seemed one of the most complacent men alive, satisfied with his job and happy with his life... to the untrained eye. If Mara was studying him properly, Kirk had many issues before he even set foot aboard this ship, and the fact that he would brush off therapy was a key indicator, to her that he may not admit to having any problem.

Arrogance generally came along with insecurity, and if anyone that she ever met was as arrogant, if not worse than her lover, Toimu, was – it was Kirk. Kirk would have to see reason. If he did not see her help as a needful commodity, the others involved may be more likely to dismiss her, as well. Nyota would not, because she was the one who reached out, in the first place, but Spock, Dr. McCoy, and Nurse Chapel may need to see that the captain of this ship, their beloved and honorable captain saw fit to use her services.

Kirk swaggered into the first session with a cool smile across his face. Mara had decided on a tight fitting pantsuit, since she was under no obligation to dress in any type of uniform, not being enlisted in Starfleet. The pantsuit was a copper tone, and made her dark skin seem to glisten. Kirk had certainly noticed that she was an attractive woman upon meeting her, and today, she seemed _extra _attractive. "You know, it might be a tad bit unhealthy for you to look the way you do and trust yourself in a room with me. After all, you aren't enlisted in Starfleet, and you are not my subordinate. That makes you the most available woman on the ship, to me."

Dr. Mara answered, evenly, "I will keep it in mind, but I am not worried about being alone in a room with you, or anyone else for that matter. And, FYI, I am not technically available."

"Not technically, or _not_?" Kirk asked with a charming grin.

"Not technically." She answered with a mysterious look in her eyes. "I am involved with someone, and it tends to become long distance when I have assignments like this one. In those times, we have an open relationship, but it is always under the assumption that anyone else that we find solace within is a temporary solace."

"What kind of man agrees to share you?" Kirk asked, his face genuinely curious.

She did not miss a beat, "The kind of man who was lucky enough to get me and intends to keep me."

"He must be an idiot." Kirk sputtered.

"Toimu Uhura is his name, and he is far from an idiot." Mara replied, without any hint of offense.

Kirk smiled widely and questioned, "Lt. Uhura's brother is your lover? No kidding. I thought that you and she seemed closer than doctor and patient. Ever going to marry him?"

"Neither of us are certain that either of us is cut out for marriage. We both enjoy the way that things are right now. And while we are on the subject of relationships, how is your relationship with Nurse Christine Chapel, since the incident?" Kirk frowned. Surely he knew that the session was focused on him, but Mara just seemed so interesting... especially that part about an open relationship.

"I try to maintain a good relationship with all of my crew members. Nurse Chapel is one of my friends aboard the ship, which I can not say about all four hundred plus people that are here." He is cooperating, for now. Good.

Dr. Mara told him, "Lt. Uhura has told me that Mr. Spock has apologized to her for what happened, despite the fact that it was not his fault. Did you ever feel it necessary to apologize to Nurse Chapel?"

"I apologized to her on behalf of the Platonians that conspired against us. I had to say something to her. After all, a captain is responsible for everyone on his ship."

Dr. Mara stared at him for a while, silently taking him in. He was trying to be just as cool as ever before, but she knew that this line of questioning was bothering him. He would much rather flirt and pretend that the issue had been settled. She said, "That must be hard. Surely, one man can not hold himself responsible for everyone on a ship this big, for all of the people on board it."

He gave her a smile and said, "I took an oath to do so, and I live by that oath."

Now was not the time to point out the number of times that she read while studying his records of times that he completely broke protocol, hence, in some ways breaking certain vows as captain. No, this meeting was not for that, and that would ruin any chance at rapport, at this time. She needed him to know her better. She had to deal with him differently, through his relationships to others. She stated, "So, you feel responsible for the kironide tragedy, and what happened to your crew members on that planet as a result of the Platonians."

"I made sure that the Platonians who endangered my crew were brought to justice." he told her.

"And now, your feeling of responsibility for it are over?" She asked.

"A good captain maintains responsibility for everyone on his crew, on or off the ship, Dr. Mara."

"And, as I believe you to exceed far beyond just a good captain, I believe you would be willing to do anything for the people on your ship. You are their leader. they look to you. You will cooperate during these sessions, in order to ensure that everyone else has an easier time complying?" Mara generally did not throw opinions into her sessions, but this was such a rare case, such a special condition, that she decided that typical sessions were not even within reason. Kirk was a man of ego, but also of certain duties.

"That is exactly what I am doing, Dr. Mara." Kirk told her.

"Good, that means that I can handle you however I think that I need to."

"You can handle me however you wish, Doctor." he said with a playful grin. So unprofessional. Defense mechanism.

She smiled and replied, "I will be sure to remember that, Captain Kirk." Now, his smile was something akin to mischievous. She fought back her own matching grin and said, "You are very young to be a Starfleet captain."

"You are extremely young for your resume, as well, Doctor. You're even younger than I am and you're amongst the top doctors in your specialty." He did his homework, or perhaps got Spock to do it for him and give him the abridged version.

Mara replied, "That isn't hard to do, Captain, when most xenopsychiatrists flee from the specialty that I have chosen. There are so few of us that any of us who work at all are amongst the top in our specialty."

"For the record, I am still impressed." Kirk answered.

Dr. Mara smirked at Kirk's flirtations. In some ways, he reminded her of her Toimu. She informed him, "You haven't seen anything yet, Captain Kirk."

Kirk stepped out of Dr. Mara's quarters/office and hit Spock on the shoulder, "Therapy is entertaining!" He said and headed down the hallway.

"Mr. Spock, is that you?" Dr. Mara asked, from inside. Spock stepped into the room and she held her hand out to an empty seat in front of her, "Can I make it warmer in here for you?" The temperature began to rise and Spock glanced around the room, unsure of why. "I have dealt with several different aliens in my line of work. Perhaps one day I can show you the mechanism that I use to control the computer system in my room."

"Perhaps." Spock stated, certainly interested in alien technology that would allow her to alter the computer controls without manual nor voiced order. Dr. Mara began to talk and for a while, Spock merely listened. The woman was speaking about New Vulcan – how it was one of her favorite places to visit, and she had loved the scenery of Vulcan, but only had the chance to visit Vulcan once, and did not get a chance to interact with anyone when she did, and she had promised herself that she would never return to the place...

She stopped talking and looked at him, "How are the cloning experiments coming along?" She asked. The two of them began to talk about the progress of the clones, which she knew that Spock would be in the loop on. They continued speaking about this subject and other subjects which fascinated Spock. He was more impressed with her familiarity with some of the subjects than he was in the subjects themselves.

For a xenopsychiatrist, she seemed to have a great love for science in general. Most xenopsychiatrists that he had met generally had a great love for _their _science... one that to him was one of the poorest sciences as it related to science itself. Many times, it seemed to him that there was very little science in these doctors' field. He appreciated the fact that she was an exception. At the end of his first session with her, he said, "Dr. Mara, I was once told that your specialty was in scientists, that you dealt specifically with the psychiatric needs of scientists, and now I am told that your specialty is sexual crimes."

She smiled and said, "Both are specialties of mine. Fortunately, rape is not a common threat, therefore, to be a specialist in only that field would not benefit my career very much. My daddy insisted that I specialize elsewhere and I chose scientists, as we are in an age of scientific developments, and there are so many scientists that lose themselves within their works. Generally, when I speak to people about my work, I do not mention that I specialize in handling rape, because people become more interested in rape than they do the work to help others through it."

He did not react nor respond, and she would not have expected him to. She decided that the first session was too soon to hit him with the issues. Him being half Vulcan and being raised Vulcan, she wished to establish with him a level of respect before trying to open him up. She decided that she would carry on this way until the fourth session. By that time, he may not fully trust her to say the things that he might say to one of his human friends - Kirk or McCoy, and definitely not the things he would say to his wife... but by session four, if she kept the conversations in the same tone, she could respectfully transition him to the serious issues, and he would at least respect her as a scientist enough to speak on some of those issues with her.

Leaving the office, he passed by Dr. McCoy. Dr. McCoy grumbled a little and went into the room. He sat down and she glanced at him. She was looking over her PADD and said, "Oh, Dr. McCoy... I apologize. I believed that you had four minutes before our session."

"What can I say? I don't like to make an entrance." He said. Then he added, "Look, I don't particularly think that I really need to be doing this, but Jim has told me that it is not too much of an inconvenience, and that I would probably find this to be soothing, so can we just start, so we can get it over with?"

"We can start in about three minutes, Dr. McCoy." She said with a smile, and a firm voice. She was still looking over the accounts of his appearance at the trial for the change of venue for the Platonians' case. From the pain that she could hear in his voice and see on his face when she first reviewed the footage of the testimony, she knew that no matter what he thought, he definitely needed to be here.

"Why is it so damned hot in here?" He asked. She changed the temperature for him and he took a deep breath, glanced around and muttered, slightly confused, "Thanks." He waited a moment, then asked, "Are you taking kironide injections?"

She looked up at him and said, "No, I'm not. One of my recovered patients gave me a download capable computer control system that I can synchronize my brain to. It's all mechanical, no chemicals involved." She put away her PADD and said, "i apologize if I seemed rude, Dr. McCoy, but I had to finish what I was doing. How are you?"

"Cranky." He said.

"I heard that was pretty common, for you." She said, then asked, "What can I do to make you happy?"

"Get this session over with." He answered. "I'm a doctor. I have work to do."

She nodded and replied, "Believe me, Doctor, I know exactly how you feel." His face softened up a little. He understood what she meant. _She _also had a job to do, and he had orders to be there and attempt to allow her to do her job. His attitude was only slowing the progress.

His voice was gentle when he asked, "Do you have some questions for me?"

Mara smiled, softly. Dr. McCoy's session would not take nearly as much special grace as Kirk's and Spock's. She could handle him as she would any person, and he would not be as resistant as the previous two were sure to be. "Yes, I do. I have several. The first is a simple one: how are things between yourself and Mrs. McCoy?" She asked.

McCoy sighed and said, "The past few months they have not been that great. We love each other. It's the most in love that I have ever been, but things have changed so much. Things are harder for us."

"When did things become harder for you?" She asked.

"When the landing party came back from that damned planet after being forced around by those damned Platonians!" He snapped, then said, "Sorry. My language could use some work, so could my temper, I guess... Look, I've been divorced before. I know the signs. Janice is tired of our problems. What can you tell me to help me not to endure another divorce?"

Mara tilted her head at him and answered, candidly, "I can not tell you anything yet, because I don't know enough about the situation. Why don't we begin by you telling me specifically how things have become harder for you two?"

"Well, she wants me to talk to her more, about what happened. I don't want to talk about it. Talking about it means reliving it. I don't want to relive it. She can't seem to understand that me not talking about it has nothing to do with how I feel about her, but more to do with how I feel about what happened. All of my closest friends, in my life... forced, tortured, treated like some type of play things in a sick and cruel game while I simply watched, powerless. And I have told her this, verbatim, Doctor. She still wants to know _exactly _how they were forced. She wants to know what I was thinking, what I was feeling, how I feel today..." he simply shook his head, looking hurt and frustrated about the matter,

Dr. Mara explained, "Well, those are issues that you and I will touch on. Perhaps it will become easier for you to discuss it with your wife after we have had the chance to talk more."

"If you want to hear about it, I suggest you get a copy of my testimony, because I have nothing else to say about the event. I don't want to relive it. I want to put it behind me." Dr. McCoy retorted, his crankiness evident, again.

Mara ignored the crankiness and said, "You work with Nurse Chapel in close proximity, everyday. You treated Lt. Uhura for her injuries and necessary procedures following the incident. You are the third in command of this ship, if something should happen to Captain Kirk or Commander Spock, your two best friends on the ship. I have reason to believe that you will be no closer to putting this behind you than you are now, if you don't talk things out with me. You must believe that releasing things, thoughts and feelings are more healthy for you than trying to ignore them. You are a doctor."

He frowned and stared off into space and said, "Sometimes, I look at Jim, and I just can't believe that he could be over it. Sometimes, I want to tell him that he can talk to me about anything, that I will listen and be there for him, but that would mean that both of us would have to relive it, and I am not up for that. I need a drink."

"No, you don't. you just need to get all of this off of your chest." She corrected.

"Jim said that you didn't pressure him to talk about it." McCoy said, quickly.

Mara smiled and answered, "I am not at liberty to discuss Captain Kirk's sessions with you. He is, but I am not."

"Just, don't make me talk about it. Let's talk about something else. Something not so terrible, please." Dr. McCoy said, now looking at the woman, again.

She nodded her head and decided, "Alright. You said that you've been divorced before. We can talk about your first marriage."

McCoy rolled his eyes and responded, "I said _not so_ terrible."

"What was your wife like?" She asked.

McCoy said, "She was nice. She was beautiful. She was smart. She was all the things that a man looked for in a woman."

"What happened?"

He shrugged his shoulders, "I was busy with my work. I have been known to be somewhat of a workaholic, and she was... all the things that a man looked for in a woman."

"Unfaithful." Mara said, matter of factly.

McCoy stated, "I don't know if it could be described that way. It was almost like we didn't even have a relationship when she began to see other men. Eventually, we divorced, she took everything, and I joined Starfleet, vowing to never marry again."

"Yet, you did." She observed, with a smile. Mara smiled more than most doctors in her field, but she tried to make sure that she only smiled if it seemed that the smile would be well received. Dr. McCoy struck her as the kind of man who could appreciate the smile of a woman while he was having a rough time.

He smiled, a little, too, and answered, "Well, Janice is everything that a man looks for in a woman, too. She isn't as smart as the ex, but she is more understanding. She puts up with a lot from me and she tries harder to understand, and she tries to_ fix_ things between us, instead of just turning away from me."

"She sounds wonderful. I wouldn't want to lose someone like that, either. I am going to do everything that I can to help you not to lose her, but we will have to address your feelings and thoughts on what happened."

"Not, today, we won't." He said.

"No, not today. Maybe not next time, either, but eventually." Dr. Mara assured him.

Nyota combed Sanaa's hair and brushed it back into one puff in the back of her head. Styik was using the Brain, and Sytar was interfering with the telepathic simulation that he was working on, by using his own telepathy to do things to the holo of the brain on the display. Styik glared at him and the younger boy giggled. Sanaa watched the two of them as her hair was being decorated with a ribbon.

"Sytar, stop it!" Styik finally snapped. "You do this every time I am trying to work on research for Lux!" Sytar frowned and went to stand next to Nyota.

Sanaa looked at him and said, "Move." Sytar pushed her by the face and her head turned slightly in the direction that he pushed her.

"No hitting." Nyota said. Sanaa placed a hand on Sytar and grabbed him by the hair. He began to scream and Nyota pried at the girl's fingers to make her unhand her brother. It was not working. "Let go, Sanaa. Let go of him." Sanaa twisted the short locks of curly hair in her fist until Sytar reached for her face again and made her unhand him. She touched her face with a displeased look and Nyota popped both of them across the backs of their hands. "No hitting!" She snapped.

"Ironic that you accompany that command with that action," Styik commented. She looked at him and he shrugged, "It just shows the confusing nature of humanity. Do not mistake what I am saying. I love you and have no problems with your humanity, but to tell them not to strike each other while striking them could confuse them or even make them feel betrayed."

"I feel betrayed!" She snapped. "The three of you act like Spock and I have not raised you in a civilized, dignified manner. Mentally attacking people, striking each other! I know that none of you act this way when you're with Spock. Why act this way when you're with me?"

"You're the one that seems to be keeping the family apart." Styik answered. She looked at him incredulously. He added, "I am not saying that _I _feel that way. I am telling you what it seems like to them." He nudged his head at the smaller children, who both simply stood still, looking at him. Sanaa looked slightly mad, but she generally looked that way, because of her Vulcan features and the fact that she did not smile. Sytar looked sad.

Nyota nodded her head and whispered, "Well, I have no response. I am sorry that you feel that way." She said it facing the two younger children. "Watch them for a moment." She said to Styik. He waved to her nonchalantly as she left the room. She walked to Dr. Mara's quarters and pressed the button.

"Yes?" She heard the woman's voice call through the intercom.

"Mara, are you busy?" She called out. The door opened and Nyota entered. Dr. Mara was standing on a chair and mounting candle holders onto her wall.

She called out, from the chair, "I am trying to make things more comfortable for everyone. I am going to have meditation candles lit when Spock returns. What do you need help with, Nyota?"

"I was just informed that my children feel like I am keeping our family apart." She sat down and added, "And I think that they are losing or have already lost respect for me."

"They are at awkward ages. It is very difficult to explain to a three year old and a one year old, even part Vulcan children about dealing with these delicate issues." She climbed down from the chair and said, "You are blessed that you have Spock and Styik to bring some clarity to them on the matter, with their mind touching capabilities. That will be the best way to deal with their insecurities with you. I wish that I had more experience with children their ages, but the truth is that they are still so little that a lot of their psychiatric molding is not even set in place. They have personalities, sure, but Sanaa in particular would be virtually impossible for me to reach, and I have tried to find a suitable children's doctor for them. It is not looking successful. The best that I can do is speak with Spock and Styik on the things that the children may need to feel from them through telepathy, which can help them to feel better about what you mean to them and to the entire family."

"Maybe I should just stay away from them, altogether, until I am better." Nyota suggested.

"First your husband, then your job, now your children? That will not be healthy Nyota. Avoidance does not build up a tolerance. Sit here on the floor with me." Mara sat down cross legged and Nyota sighed and joined her. Mara held out her hands and Nyota, with a confused expression handed her hands to Mara. "I know that you remember this one from East Africa," Mara began to slap at Nyota's hands and recite some type of ditty, to which Nyota laughed and responded by participating. Nyota used to sit on her porch and do this ditty with other little girls around the way. Mara bringing it up and sharing the act with her made her feel much better. Nyota fell forward unto Mara, laughing and Mara put her arms around her patient who had somewhat crossed over into friend territory. Nyota began to cry on her. "Nyota, remember what I told you that I wanted you to do when you feel this way?"

"Lean on my husband." Nyota answered.

"You need to know that if you try to lean on him that he will allow it and do his best to comfort you. You need to know that despite what has happened and despite what either of you have done since that day, that he still loves you and you can still trust him." Dr. Mara reminded her, as she did in their sessions.

"Mara... just let me lay here a little while longer." Nyota asked. Mara obliged.

Christine had missed another session. She claimed that the away mission had resulted in the injuries of several security personnel and that she would reschedule her appointment after all of them were taken care of. Some had even died. Mara tried to be understanding to this tragedy, then, Christine missed her rescheduling. Her excuse this time was that she had been so busy with work that she forgot. Mara was insulted. The woman kept up with the conditions and treatments of so many patients on a daily basis that Mara did not believe for one moment that the woman could simply _forget _about her own treatment. She was neglecting it, and Mara recorded an official order of treatment for her, which was approved by Chapel's current psychiatrist, who did not feel offended by the action, because he was not trained specifically in the area which he was trying to treat Christine for.

In the meantime, Mara decided that she would talk to Janice about her feelings on the events and how they have affected her personally.

"I have become an outsider. I realized that something terrible happened to my friends, but none of them will really say much about it. The one who has said the most to me about it is Christine, and that's just because she's the one with the least backbone, and it's turned her into such an empty shell that it's hard for me to even look at her on most days." Janice said.

"What do you mean?" Dr. Mara asked.

"Well, maybe I shouldn't say. I think that Christine told me her problems in confidentiality. She talked to her other doctor about it, so he changed her hypos, but either she isn't taking them, or he didn't make the right change, because she's still doing so bad."

Mara took a deep breath, shielding it as a minor shift in her weight, and said, "I can't force you to tell me, but I can assure you that Christine can't get the help she needs if no one talks about what is wrong with her. Did she tell you that she has already missed two of the sessions that I scheduled her for?"

Janice froze, momentarily, then answered, "No, she did not. She... Dr. Mara, I really don't want to get her into any trouble."

"Trouble is hardly what I have come to make. Progress is my goal. We can come back to Christine, if you like. Tell me how you feel about the whole situation."

Janice nodded, then took a few deep breaths before sputtering, "I feel like it is though all of us were a family, and I got separated from the others. On this ship, the people that I am closest to are Leonard, Christine, and Uhura. Through them, I also am linked closely to the captain and Mr. Spock, because of their relation to Leonard and Uhura. All of them are like my family, and it's like I missed a family gathering where something so significant happened that missing it got me expelled from the family itself." Janice covered her mouth with her hand and looked at Dr. Mara, awaiting a response.

Mara answered, "Maybe they think that you are lucky or even blessed to have missed the event. All things need not to be experienced, and I am sure that your friends would not have wanted you to have to be there for it."

Janice shook her head and tried again, "I may have said it wrong. I don't want to know how it felt to go through whatever happened. I want to understand it better, so that I can understand why they have all shut me out. One of my best friends will not let her own husband anywhere near her, and my other best friend will allow practically anyone to touch her, and don't even get me started on my relationship with my own husband!" Janice sniffled. Mara slid a box of disposable cloths to Janice. Janice reached for one and wiped her face.

Mara said, plainly, "Things will go better if you choose to discuss it. What is the situation with your relationship?"

"It's nonexistent. We do not relate to each other, at all. He has become so attached to Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock that he may as well be married to them. Nothing turns him on. He has hardly touched me since that mission and when he has, he has not been able to... keep his attention focused on me. I have thought that maybe a child could bring us closer together..."

"Janice, please allow me to pause you there. Usually, I try not to interrupt, but I have to let you know that putting a child in a situation where you already doubt that love is present would be unfair to the child and would not help the situation."

"Yeah, it was a stupid idea, which I tend to have when I'm feeling so badly. Leonard has a daughter. He never sees her, and never really talks about her, either. I don't even know how old she is. Some part of me knows that a child is not a solution to the problem. His daughter did not save his last marriage. I've thought of divorcing Leonard." Janice said.

"If that is what you truly want for yourself, it is what you need to do; however, if you wish to keep him and work on what you already have, I am here to help you with that, as well." Dr. Mara informed her.

Janice had gotten so tired of everything going on that the words began to just flow right out of her mouth, "The men are all closer than they have ever been, and closer to each other than anyone else. The women are more detached from everyone than they have ever been. Kirk, Spock, and McCoy – the three of them have been a team for quite some time now, but now, they are like an item. It is so strange to be married to someone and see him as more of a part of an item with his friends than with me. And Uhura and Christine... they've flipped their personalities around. Uhura used to be so passionate and vibrant. She was the woman that most of the men wanted and most of the women wanted to be. She was everyone's friend and the life of any party. She used to touch Commander Spock in her casual daily life, and greet him with kisses and hug him and rub his shoulders or his hand. And from what those of us close to them knew, the two of them had a pretty intense sex life. Christine, on the other hand, was very soft spoken and although she's pretty, she escaped the attention of most of the men around her. She used to have a fiance, a brilliant doctor, but he disappeared on her while we were at the academy, and since then, she hasn't dated anyone and has only been interested in one person that I know of."

Janice shook her head sadly and said, "Now, Uhura is a major recluse, and I only see her when she is transporting the children somewhere. She does not reach out for Spock at all, as far as I have noticed, and Christine has gained herself a reputation for being easy and kinky. She hardly cares who she brings back to her room, as long as they follow her rules and she's told her doctor, and he's changed her medication, but she has not gotten any better."

Mara allowed Janice to complete her session, then walked her back to her small workspace. Janice gave Mara a hug and thanked her for allowing her to get everything off of her chest on what she had been feeling. Mara went back into her office and sat down. Christine was supposed to come to a session, shortly, and if she didn't, Mara would be highly bothered.

Spock entered the quarters that he once shared with Nyota, to find her laying in the bed that he once shared with her. She was listening to the data slate of him speaking and he tilted his head at the realization of this. She silenced the computer, sat up, and looked at him. She asked, "How did your first session go?"

"It was interesting. Styik informed me of the situation earlier. Are you feeling better than you were when it occurred?"

"No, I'm not. I did, for a moment, but I'm back where I started when I first realized... my children despise me." she said it with a cringe.

Spock attempted, "That is not true, Nyota. All of our children love you dearly, even Sanaa. None of them wish to hurt you and I have already shared with them on the matter. They should not give you anymore problems in the event that I am not there to monitor their behavior. Are you going to come into my quarters and have dinner with us, tonight?"

"No. I feel too bad. I don't want my babies picking up these emotions from me, feelings of being unloved, of disregard, of... whatever else is running through my mind. Have a good night with them, and I'm glad that your first session went well." She said.

"May I soothe your feelings of discomfort?" he asked.

"No. I have already taken something for it. I'll be asleep at any moment, now." She said.

"As you wish. Good night, Nyota."

"Good night, Spock." she said. He headed for the door and she called his name, "Spock." He turned to face her and she said, "Tell them that I am sorry that I couldn't make it to dinner and let them know that I love them."

"They already know, but I shall relay the message for you." he said and left the room.


	8. Breakdown Before Breakthrough

**Breakdown Before Breakthrough**

Spock had to admit that he rather enjoyed his conversations with Dr. Mara. He had not realized that this so called _therapy _would be nothing more than a meeting in which he and the doctor would discuss scientific facts. To be perfectly honest, such a practice _was _indeed therapeutic, for him. Mara would ask him his theories about scientific studies currently being conducted, or ask him to explain to her certain aspects of fields of study that she was unfamiliar with, then she would briefly give her own thoughts of the same subject matter.

This went on for the first three sessions, then on the fourth session, she said, "When I was little, my daddy told me that when a man loves somebody, he can easily tie that someone in to any subject that he talks about. What do you think about that theory?"

"It is quite illogical." Spock said, without a second thought.

She tilted her head and asked, "Is it illogical because it is not likely to be proven true, or because of the fact that love itself is illogical?" he sat silently, for a moment, she guessed contemplating his answer. Love itself was definitely illogical, but it was something that she knew that he held for his family. She continued speaking while the question bounced through his mind, "Daddy would say – pick a subject, any subject known to man and I can take it, if I know about it, and somehow tie your mama into it. I would spit out all of these subjects to him, and every time, that man would have a Mama tie in. It got to the point that I was running out of subjects and I became so hell bent on proving him wrong that I would study subjects that I did not know anything about to see if he could somehow tie my mama into them. It's one of the ways that I became so interested in so many different subjects."

Spock asked her, "Were you ever successful in proving him wrong?"

She smiled, slightly, shook her head and said, "Not yet. As a matter of fact, after Mama died, the old man got even better at the game."

Spock suggested, "Perhaps you needed to present more difficult subjects to him."

She waved a hand and said, "Ah, I gave up that fight. Now, when I go to him with subjects, I do it just so I can be reminded of how much he still loves her. Sometimes, when something bad has happened, when parents are apart, or one is gone, people, even those my age feel the need to know that their parents still love each other. Small reminders are nice, but only effective if seen on a daily basis, so I test Daddy so that I can get a big reminder."

Spock stared at her, for a moment, before replying, "Today's session seems to be accurate in terms of what my research on the subject has informed me that typical therapy is."

"When dealing with a specialty such as mine, typical therapy may not be the best solution. Typical therapy addresses feelings. The meetings that I have with you have been thoughts based, have they not? I'm not focusing on your feelings, Spock. I'm more interested in your thoughts. While I am on the subject, what are your thoughts about the abilities that the Platonians abused? Quite an area of scientific interest, if you ask me. What do you think about others harvesting kironide?"

"Kironide is a mineral. It can not be harvested." Spock informed her, avoiding the question. He did not particularly want to discuss the issue.

"I apologize for my poor choice of words. What do you think about kironide being dispersed to other lifeforms?" She asked.

Spock answered, abruptly, "As long as the lifeforms use their abilities responsibly, and do not abuse the powers that can be developed through kironide injections, there is no logical reason to forbid the usage of it."

Dr. Mara looked at him for a while. The answer seemed rehearsed. His logic most likely answered that question, despite the fact that it was not his personal opinion. He did not believe that his personal opinion mattered. Mara questioned him further, "Not even to assuage the temptation of abuse that is sure to accompany the development of such abilities?"

"We can not ascertain that everyone who develops abilities from kironide minerals will be tempted to abuse those powers." Spock answered, truthfully. However, he hated the numbers that coursed into his brain of the probability of the event.

Mara continued, "But, does it not seem like a gamble to test it out? What if the Federation makes kironide injections available all across the galaxies and because of it, there is a ripple effect and years down the line, Sanaa has an experience like Nyota's?" Mara saw Spock's jaw tighten and she quickly apologized, "I apologize, Spock. I did not expect an emotional reaction from you."

Spock's expression returned to its calm nature. Dr. Mara was actually dealing with this subject in the same way that she dealt with other areas of science, he realized. The different equation in this exchange was his reaction to the subject matter. Interesting. Most uncomfortable, but interesting that she could reveal his feelings through areas of science. She was testing him, he also realized. He was not offended by her efforts. He answered, "Dr. Mara, I do not believe that you would be an adequate scientist if you did not expect results from a test. I apologize that you were witness to an emotional response, from me. Your concept of "what ifs" is severely flawed. There are many possibilities on all sides of the kironide topic, regarding the safety of the legalization of kironide mineral injections. However, the possibility of Sanaa facing an experience like her mother's is less than 3.469%."

"Wow. That is not as comforting as, say less than .03469%" Dr. Mara pointed out the obvious, while focusing once again on Spock's emotional ties to the scientific topic.

"No, it is not." Spock agreed.

"What do you think that Nyota's thoughts are on distributing kironide?" She asked.

He did not even have to think to answer, "She is against it." Nyota had been complaining wholeheartedly about the possibility of something so _dangerous _becoming accessible to all life forms.

"Do you and she ever see eye to eye on issues?" Mara asked.

"Nyota and I agree with each other of general subjects approximately 76.268% of all of our time together." Spock replied.

Dr. Mara smiled and said, "Pretty good numbers for a relationship between a Vulcan and a human. I have heard from humans that such relationships generally reach agreements from the human involved in them making sacrifices that most humans would not. It is a common belief that humans involved with Vulcans have to alter their lives more to be at peace with the Vulcan that they choose. What do you think about that idea?"

"I have no comment on the matter."

"Maybe you can tell me some other time. As it would appear, our time today is done." Spock arose from the chair and left the room without saying another word. Mara sighed. He had not appreciated her approach, but she knew that he would note her words, and they were things that she felt needed to be noted in his mind.

Spock left the office and he went straight to the bridge, for duty. Kirk smiled when he arrived on the scene, and said, "I was beginning to think that I would have to pull you away from your session. Please, take over your science station and tell me exactly what is going on down on that planet." Spock quickly obeyed the order, as the ship remained in orbit around a new planet.

Nyota walked into Spock's quarters. He had allowed her entry, in case of an emergency, just as she had not denied him access to their quarters. She searched through his items, finding it hard to believe that anything could be lost in such a neatly kept room. Everything rested in perfectly well order, and nothing appeared out of place, but she knew that she had left her shawl in the room the last time that she came over for dinner, and it was the most comfortable article of clothing to keep herself warm, that she had.

She went searching through his drawers, wondering if he had placed the shawl with his things until he could return it to her. The drawers were practically empty, with only a few small items in the top drawer, items which other humans had insisted that he keep, that he hardly ever entertained himself with. Among them, she noticed something, and she picked it up. It was a data slate and it had Christine's name on it. Nyota placed it down, because it was not her place to come into his room, look through his things, and then certainly not to intrude into his personal business. After all, right now, they were separated. BUT, separation is still within the confines of marriage. She snatched the data slate out of the drawer and stuck it into her bag.

In the bottom drawer, she finally found her shawl and wrapped it around herself. She sighed and left the room. When she left, she stopped by medical bay and requested a refill of her hypos. Nurse Chapel glanced at her PADD and said, "I am showing that you should not be in need of refills just yet, Lt. Uhura."

Nyota looked at her own personal PADD, laughed and said, "You're right. Actually, I stopped in to see you. How has your sessions with Dr. Mara been going?" Nyota's face was somewhat concerned, somewhat suspicious.

Chapel answered, "They are different than the ones that I had with my previous doctor. I will be seeing Dr. Mara on tomorrow. How are _your_ sessions going?"

"Well. Dr. Mara thinks that Spock and I will be back in the same room very soon. I'm thinking about asking him to move back in." Nyota said, studying Christine's face for a reaction.

Nurse Chapel's face tensed, but she replied, "That's wonderful news. He doesn't deserve to hurt anymore, and being away from you has been very painful for him."

"What makes you say that?" Nyota asked.

"I bunk right next door to him, Lt. Uhura. We see each other, often." Chapel said. She avoided eye contact with Nyota.

"Did you give him a data slate?" Nyota asked, lifting an eyebrow at the taller woman.

Chapel's face turned another color and she asked, "A data slate?"

"Yes." Nyota pulled the data slate from her bag and held it firmly in between two of her fingers, up in the air, "This data slate that has From Christine on the side of it." Chapel took a swallow and stared at the data slate. She did not answer. Nyota placed the item back in her bag and said, "I just came by to see how you are doing." She began to leave, turned around at the exit and looked Christine up and down, then left. Christine nearly fell over as she exhaled when Uhura left the medical bay.

She waited a moment, until she thought that Nyota was gone and she rushed to the bridge. When she got there, neither Spock, nor the captain were there, so she assumed that Spock was either in the transporter room, or already beamed off of the ship. She then rushed to the transporter room, where Kirk, Spock and McCoy were on the transporter pad. Scotty was at the controls and looked at her, surprised when she entered the area. "What are you doing?" He asked, excitedly. Spock thought that Mr. Scott always seemed excited.

"I have to have a quick word with Mr. Spock." Christine said. Spock lifted an eyebrow, not sure why she would need to speak with him, and deciding that this was not a suitable time.

"We are preparing to beam down to the surface of the planet, Nurse Chapel. Starfleet Command has lost contact with one of our science stations and investigating the matter is of utmost importance," he told her.

She nodded and came closer to the transporter pad. "It's about your wife." She said. If ever there were magic words, those were it, and everyone in the room knew it, except for maybe Spock (who only did not know it because he had no familiarity with "magic words"). He sighed and glanced at Kirk. Kirk nodded and Spock stepped off of the pad and he and Nurse Chapel walked right outside of the room. Chapel said, "She has the data slate that I gave you, the day after that night that you helped me."

Spock tilted his head, mildly confused. He certainly remembered the fact that Nurse Chapel had given him a data slate and left the instructions on it: _If ever you find that the loneliness, the pain, or both, is too much to bare, here is a present. _Since then, the data slate had been in Spock's drawer, and he had not listened to it or viewed it, even once. He had no reason to believe that Nyota having it was an issue. He said plainly, "I do not understand your concern, Nurse Chapel."

"You never watched it." She said.

"The loneliness nor the pain ever became too much for me to bare, which your instructions indicated were the prerequisites to using the data slate. It has been in a drawer in the room since you gave it to me." He said.

She sighed and said, "Well, it is now in your wife's possession. Be prepared for..." she sighed and said, "I apologize, in advance." She walked away and when Spock returned to the transporter pad, the other men stared at him. He nodded once, that he was now ready.

Kirk asked, "Is everything alright?"

"I do not think so, however, I am currently at a loss for understanding of the nature of the problem. I have insufficient facts to come to a conclusion." Spock answered. They beamed down to the surface of the planet...

Nyota knew that she was going to watch this data slate, now that Christine's reaction had been so, whatever the hell it was. She had a feeling that she might know what was on the slate... she had a feeling that Christine had tried to make a play for Spock. What she did not really understand was why Spock would hold on to something with evidence of a woman trying to get him? There was no doubt in Nyota's mind that Christine was up to something sneaky and dirty...

She placed the data slate into the player in her room, but hesitated to play it. She thought for a moment about what had been happening between her and Spock lately. Maybe he just needed some physical comfort. He was half human, after all, and she had completely cut off touch that he was regularly used to receiving from her for nearly eight years, now. She tilted her head, it had been _that _long? Yes, it had, and after eight years of being together, seven years of being bonded, six years of being humanly married; it did not matter what was going on in their marriage, he had better NOT seek out physical attention from anyone else, especially not Christine!

She played the tape and saw Christine talking to the screen. She was saying, "I'm glad that you decided that you need me tonight. You are welcome to have me anytime that you desire." Nyota paused right there and decided that she may need to call Mara in here. She may need a voice of reason to intervene, and right now. She called Mara over the intercom and asked her to come over. Nyota paced as she awaited Mara's arrival. Mara had practically ran the entire way to the room and when Nyota let her in, Nyota explained what was going on.

"Do not go any further, Nyota. Do not continue to watch the recording. Wait until you have a chance to speak with Spock and ask him to explain having the data slate in his possession."

"I have to see what else she says." Nyota said.

"I do not approve of this. No matter what she says, you will become upset."

"I am upset now!" Nyota snapped.

"Thus provides another reason that you should not continue playing the tape. Give it to me, please?" Dr. Mara asked.

Nyota shook her head and said, "You just stay here with me while I watch. You may need to keep my head right."

"That is what I am trying to do by insisting that you do not watch the tape." Mara repeated.

Nyota ignored the request and pressed the play button. She saw Christine's smiling face saying, "I've recently discovered that I enjoy being watched, and to be honest, there is _no one _that I would rather have watching me than you." Christine proceeded to tease the camera, stroking her fingers over her body and began to undress herself. Nyota made a move, and Mara grabbed her by the arms, her own eyes were focused on the screen; her face was distorted in disappointment. Christine said, "Many people think that I am pretty nice to look at. I hope that you can agree." When the woman was clad in her undergarments, Mara unhanded Nyota to go over and stop the tape.

"That's enough, Yo." Mara said. She proceeded to take the data slate out of the player to confiscate it, and Nyota fled the room. Mara muttered, "Damn it!" and chased behind her. Mara realized something. Although she was in pretty good health, she was not in the same kind of health that a Starship officer was in. She was close enough to Nyota to see her the entire run, but could not get close enough to stop her. "Nyota!" She kept calling as they both ran down the hallway, dodging ship personnel along the way.

When Nyota's ran into the medical bay, Mara tried to run harder to catch up with her. This was not going to be pretty. Mara entered medical bay to find Christine already within Nyota's grasp. Nyota had the woman by the collar and was slapping her across the face. Mara tried to run over to her, but before she could make it there, saw one of the other nurses give her a hypo spray. Mara rushed over as the other nurse caught the collapsing Nyota and reached out for her. The other nurse went to contact the bridge to inform them of the situation.

Scotty and Chekov entered the medical ward, with a few security officers and Scotty told them to put Nyota in the brig until the captain returned to the ship. Chekov turned on the balls of his feet and looked at him, "Scott, are you serious?" He asked.

"Look at Nurse Chapel, Lad. The best thing to do right now is to just place Lt. Uhura where she is not a threat to anyone." Scotty said.

Dr. Mara headed out with the men following Mr. Scott's orders. As the security personnel carried Nyota off, Chekov insisted, "You know that Uhura is not a mad woman, Scott. If she attacked the nurse, then the woman probably did something to provoke her..."

The other nurse present placed her hands on her hips and said, "From what I saw, Lt. Uhura ran into the ward, punched Nurse Chapel in the face, grabbed her by her clothes and began to slap her."

"Then she did something to provoke her _earlier!_" Chekov snapped at the woman, and added, "I was not speaking to you!"

"Calm down!" Scott now fussed at Chekov, "Do you think that I want to throw Lt. Uhura Spock into the brig? There is nowhere else for me to place her right now."

"Contact Mr. Spock, on the surface of the planet." Chekov said.

Nurse Chapel's face was being tended to by one of the other doctors in the ward. "Don't bother him while he is away on his mission." She said.

"I'll make that call, Woman." Scotty said as he left the medical ward. Chekov left with him. Scotty glanced at Chekov and asked him, "In all honesty, what decision would you have made?"

"I suppose that I would have put Lt. Uhura in the brig until the captain was back on the ship." Chekov answered, frustrated.

The station on the planet that Kirk, Spock, and McCoy had beamed down to had been non responsive, and when the men from the Enterprise came down, they were able to see why. Nothing was on inside of the station. They searched the surface to find the Starfleet personnel who should have been manning the station, until they came to an area where they saw a group of people seated in a circle, singing and laughing. Kirk looked at Dr. McCoy, then at Spock. Spock said, "I am inclined to believe that these people are the members of Starfleet which Starfleet Command lost contact with several days ago."

The three of them headed for the circle, and the closer they got, that realized that none of the people had on clothing. None of the men, none of the women, and none of them seemed bothered by this fact, at all.

"Is one of you Commander Goodlove?" Captain Kirk asked. At the sound of his voice, the people leaped to their feet and surrounded them. All three of them pointed their phasers at the group and Kirk warned, "Everybody not wearing clothing and not carrying a weapon might want to back away." The group turned to look at one of the women of the group and she nodded her head, once and the group back away from the armed men. "Are you Commander Goodlove?" Kirk asked her.

"I no longer label myself with such a title." She said.

Kirk informed her, "You may want to let Starfleet Command know that you decided against serving. All of you have been listed as AWOL for days, now."

"The person that served your military force is dead. I am a new being. Captain, we have no interest in Starfleet any longer. You may have your little work station and you may have your uniforms, your tools, your filthy weapons... we are not in need of any of those things. We left everything that belongs to Starfleet in that station, and we left that station. We have seen the light." Goodlove said.

"What light is that?" Dr. McCoy asked.

"Leave us. We mean you no trouble, and we are causing no harm." She said.

Dr. McCoy scanned the woman with the tricorder, as she spoke, and scanned the others in the vicinity, as well. "They seem perfectly healthy."

"We are healthier than we have ever been. We have found the key to happiness, Doctor. The key to health and comfort, all in one plant." She walked to a field of flowers and smiled at the sight of them. "I find it hard to believe that when I first saw this field, it was merely a field of pretty flowers. This is now our life source."

"I am going to have a team of science officers beam down and take some samples to ..." Kirk started, but Goodlove cut him off.

"There are samples inside of your space station, from when we were researching. The rest has been claimed by the family that my brothers and sisters have formed.

"Miss Goodlove, this planet is not your own personal conquest. you were sent here by Starfleet to research, to monitor, and to report. Trying to claim ownership over the planet, after the fact is a complete disregard for your orders." Kirk informed her.

"Are you arresting me, Captain?" She asked.

He looked at Spock and McCoy and admitted, "I am afraid that as Starfleet personnel, refusing to obey orders by Starfleet Command, we must take you and all of the others in."

"We are at peace with ourselves, Captain. We will not fight you." She said.

"We will need you to get dressed." McCoy stated.

"When we came this way, we did not bring any clothes outside of sleepwear and Starfleet uniforms. We are no longer slaves of Starfleet. We will not wear Starfleet uniforms." She told him. McCoy shook his head. "We will come as we are, Doctor, or we _will _fight you."

"Would you be willing to borrow some civilian attire from some of the personnel on the ship?" Kirk asked.

"If it is certain that they will receive back what is rightfully theirs when we are done." The woman said.

"Very well, get the others to come along with us." Kirk said. Goodlove waved the other people over and they actually did peacefully come with the men.

Upon entering the brig with a line of comfortably naked people, Spock heard the words, "You really do love to see flesh, don't you?" He turned and had to use quick Vulcan reflexes in order not to react to seeing her with a cell, behind a forcefield.

"Nyota." He said, not being able to currently formulate any other words. Kirk had given the order out to the ship for volunteers on giving away some of their civilian attire, but he and Dr. McCoy were with Spock in the hallway of the brig.

Kirk walked over to her and asked, "Lt. Uhura, what are you doing in a cell?"

"Funny story. I woke up in here." The three men looked shocked at this, then she laughed and added, "After I got knocked out by a hypo spray for attacking Christine."

Kirk and McCoy both looked at Spock and McCoy shook his head and said, "I don't believe it. You've been having an affair with her, haven't you?"

Spock tilted his head and lifted an eyebrow at Dr. McCoy. _Where in this situation did he gather information that would lead him to such a conclusion?_

"That question is highly illogical, Dr. McCoy. For a fact, I have no interest whatsoever in Nurse Chapel, and have never come in contact with her in any capacity beyond our work relationship, and recently attempting to comfort her within the parameters of friendship, as I currently reside in the quarters next to her own." Spock stated. He looked at Nyota and added, "Before we left, Nurse Chapel shared with me that you had something in your possession that she had once given me. I do not know what you learned from the data slate, but I can assure you that I have never viewed it, and it had been setting right where you found it since the day that she gave it to me."

"What did she give you?" Kirk asked.

"A tape of her finger fucking herself!" Nyota snapped. Kirk was stunned. For one thing, Christine did not come across to him as the type, and secondly, Spock was not the type to even wish to desire to see such a thing – perhaps from his wife, maybe. Kirk was more inclined to believe that Spock would even find _that _illogical and would prefer much more to touch Nyota, himself as opposed to watching her touch herself... his mind was getting off topic.

"Wait, nurse Chapel gave Spock a tape, and you found it and she was touching herself on it, and you did what after that?" Captain Kirk asked.

"Tried to give her a new face." Nyota said and sat down on the cot in the cell. Spock went into the cell, himself and she frowned at him, "You do not need to be here." She said, curling herself up into a ball and leaned against the wall.

Spock stared at Kirk and McCoy, for a moment, until they both left he and Nyota to be alone, then he asked, in a soft voice, "Do you honestly believe that I would make a decision to desire someone else?"

"You didn't make a decision to desire me. It just happened as we became close." She said.

"That was different," he told her.

"How?"

"In many ways, that situation was different. In one way, it was different because you understood me in a way that no other human ever had, with the exception of my mother. You had the ability to read me and respond accordingly to me in the way that you believed would be the most respectful to who I was. You were fascinating, and exceptionally attractive. These facts still remain true, and living with the knowledge of those facts, I have no reason to desire anyone else." She stared at him. He was sitting straight on the cot, with his hands rested on his lap.

"I'm sorry that I accused you." She said. "I may be put off of the ship now, despite the fact that I am your wife. I think that the protocol for beating up other crew mates dictates that I get put off of the ship."

"Jim is not 100% supportive of protocol when it inconveniences him." Spock said.

"You are not going to let anybody separate us, are you?" She asked, more of an acknowledgment of a known fact than a question.

"By Terran rites of marriage, death is stated as the only force which should be allowed to do so." He answered.

Nyota was completely embarrassed for her behavior, but she knew that Christine was probably even more embarrassed. Nyota was allowed out of the brig, but restricted to her quarters until further notice. Styik decided that the children would be uplifting to her. He had, of course learned about her attack on Christine, and figured that the attack was long overdue. If Nyota had not been through so much, lately, he might have picked on her for the attack. He once learned of a time when she punched a superior in the face while attending Starfleet Academy and since then had seen his gentle, graceful mother in a completely different light.

He had always known of her strength, but he understood that with her (and Spock, too, for that matter), there was a badass down inside and if stirred, could make others regret it. He was willing to bet that Nurse Chapel was done with any idea of ever doing anything even remotely related to Spock, ever again. He laughed to himself and Nyota looked at him, "What?"

"Nothing, Mother." He erased his smile, then asked, "When is Father coming home?"

"He is working in the lab, testing the flowers from that planet, trying to figure out what made the scientists down there behave the way that they were behaving." She answered.

"No, I mean, when is he coming home to stay?"

Sytar and Sanaa, who had been playing with the mind cards both stopped at looked at Nyota. Nyota smiled and said, "That is not really a discussion for us to have, Styik." Now, all of the children looked visibly sad. She said, "Because, I haven't had the chance to ask your father, yet." Sanaa stood up from her seat on the floor, ran over to Nyota and wrapped her arms around her legs. Nyota picked her daughter up and hugged her tightly. Sanaa rushing to give her a hug was so rare that she had to bank in on the moment.

"Ask him." Sanaa said.

"I can't right now. I'm in trouble. I'm grounded in my room." Nyota said with a chuckle. It had been nearly six months since the incident, and a little over four months since she had put Spock out. She wanted him to be back at home, but she wondered if she wanted him there because she was mentally and emotionally ready for him to come home, or so he would not be next door to Christine anymore. Just thinking about Christine made her want to snap the woman's neck.

Later, Spock entered the quarters. He carried in dinner and began to set up on the table, which was just big enough for them to sit and eat. Sytar cheered when Spock entered, "Beet burritos!" Nyota laughed. Sytar always became excited about eating. Well, he became excited about a lot of things – pretty women, playing games, other people laughing, but eating was way up on the list of high points of life, especially when pumpkins or beets were involved.

Nyota took the rolling cart from Spock and said, "I can set the table. You take a break. You have been working all day."

"I am not tired." He told her. "You on the other hand have had an even more eventful day and it is more likely that you may have less energy than I do." She threw him a look and he tilted his head and took a seat.

As Nyota began to set the table, she commented, "I wish that your lyre was here. I would love to hear a song."

"I can retrieve it." Spock suggested.

"I wouldn't ask you to do that." Nyota said.

"Play a song!" Sytar cheered, "Father, play a song and Mother can sing." Sanaa was smiling, now.

Spock stood up and announced, "It has been decided. I shall retrieve the lyre."

"Bring your things back with you." Nyota said, not looking up at him. He stared at her for a moment, and she finally looked up at him. "It did not take you very long to gather them and take them out. It should not take long to bring them back." She stated.

Spock could hardly hide the excitement in his eyes, though he did keep his voice in check, "Are you certain, Nyota?" He asked.

"Yes, I am." She said.

Styik abandoned his computer and said, "I'll help you."

Sytar climbed down from the table and said, "Me too."

Nyota laughed and said, "You know it's a big deal when Sytar abandons food."

"Not abandoning my food. We'll be back. Don't eat my beet burritos." He said, following Styik out of the door, then calling out, "Race you!" She heard his little feet running down the hall, and to her surprise, did not hear Spock tell him to stop running. She looked out of the door and watched as Styik pretended to try to run to catch up with his little brother, allowing the toddler to "win", and Spock walked briskly, in long strides, with his hands behind his back. allowing the two of them to behave in a way that he generally would attempt to correct.

She felt Sanaa's hand on her leg and reached down to pick her up. The girl placed her hands on her mother's face and transmitted an emotion to her, one of pride. Sanaa was proud of her mother for her decision. Nyota smiled and kissed her on the forehead. Sanaa fought a giggle.

After dinner, Nyota and Spock performed songs for the children, some of which the boys sang along with their mother. Sanaa sat on Spock's lap as he rested on the bed, playing the instrument. Nyota had not _performed _in quite some time, and doing so, for her family brought her a special sense of joy that she had forgotten was possible. Once the children were wrapped around each other in the bed, Spock opened an air mattress on the floor. Styik had become too big for he and Spock to rest in the same bed during these sleepovers, and it was not Spock's intention to place his son on the floor. Nyota stared at him as she stroked her children's faces and hair.

He glanced at her, then went into the lavatory to wash up. She wished that she had listened to Dr. Mara and not attacked Christine. It placed Spock into such an awkward position. He did not enjoy going against the grain, and it would take quite a bit of maneuvering, for him and for Kirk to keep her on the ship after attacking a fellow member of Starfleet. There were exceptions, and she hoped that her situation was considered one, because if not, not only was she off of the ship, but it was possible that she would not be allowed to work on one again. She heard a light laugh and glanced towards Sanaa. Sanaa had laughed in her sleep. It caused Nyota to smile.

When Spock emerged from the bathroom, Nyota was laying on the air mattress, covered by a soft, thin blanket. He looked at her for a moment and she smiled up at him. "I couldn't let the loneliness become too much for you to bare." She said. He joined her on the mattress and she cuddled against him. "I'm sorry for how I reacted to the data slate. I had the opportunity not to react in the way that I did, but I chose to react. There is no excuse for my behavior."

He held her tightly and said, "I have no response."

"Well, then say anything." She said.

"Anything?" He asked, genuinely confused. She laughed at the interaction between them. "Are you suggesting that I repeat the word _anything, _or requesting that I merely speak, regardless of what the subject may be?"

She could not stop her laughter, "The latter." She told him.

"I love you." He said, flatly. Then, when she stopped laughing and was laying still, he asked, "Is that an adequate usage of the following the order to say anything?"

"Yes. It is beyond adequate, Spock." She said. "I love you, too."

Both of them were silent for a while, then Spock broke the silence by asking her, "Did you know that it has been proven, at least by one theorist that a man can relate any subject which he is familiar with to a woman that he loves?"

"Yeah?" She questioned, slightly uncomfortable on the air mattress, but dealing with it within Spock's embrace.

"Affirmative. When I first received the information, I doubted its accuracy, however, I have been contemplating it all day, trying to prove the theorist wrong. It would appear that thus far, my attempts have proven him right." Spock said.

"Have you been treating our relationship like a science experiment, again?" She asked, teasingly.

"Indeed I have. I am running out of subjects to test the theory on, but thus far, it has been quite successful."

"I am not familiar with the same subjects as you, but I want to hear some examples of these things." She said. Spock began talking, and Nyota noted that he seemed much more at ease with talking about her and his feelings for her when comparing it to some type of science. That was a good thing, because she could read between the lines. When she did not understand the comparison, she merely considered the words that he was sharing about her specifically. After a while, she yawned.

"Am I boring you, Nyota?" He asked.

"No! I am overtly interested, but I am tired, and your voice has been so crucial in helping me relax and get to sleep, for a while," she admitted.

"Yes, I share that similarity with you. A recording of your singing has been a key element in assisting me, in that area." He said.

"You used to listen to my recordings when you were doing your work in your dorm at the Academy." She remembered, with fondness. "I caught you, and you tried to play it off like it was nothing. You loved me, then." She said. He did not refute her words.

Instead, he squeezed her and asked, "Would you like for me to help you to fall peacefully into slumber?" She knew that he was asking her to allow a meld with him. She took a deep breath. Not listening to Mara had already gotten her into what may become a world of trouble. Mara had told her that if Spock put himself out to ask her to meld to try her hardest not to resist him. Spock's asking to meld was the equivalent of her running to him in need of someone to talk to, and Mara insisted that to reject him may deter him from doing so in the future and further damage his confidence in their relationship.

"You may." Nyota said softly, and glanced at Spock's face to see a small smile dance across his features. He lifted his hand to touch the points on her face and she offered up her worries, her surface pain, and a few other areas of negativity that she could release to him. Within moments, she was asleep, and he followed soon after, silently thanking Dr. Mara. Her methods of assistance were most fascinating.


	9. Never Again

**Never Again**

Christine trembled as she entered Kirk's quarters. He pulled a chair out for her and she sat down. He sighed and asked, "How much of an issue am I dealing with here, Nurse Chapel?"

"I am not going to try to get her thrown off of the ship. This was my fault," she admitted.

Kirk looked up at the ceiling, trying to formulate the words that he wanted to express to her. Finally, he asked, with pauses in between practically every word, "What... were you thinking... when you decided... to... endanger Mr. Spock's marriage?"

"Mr. Spock helped me to deal with a particularly difficult situation. He and I have both been hurting, and she has been pushing him away. I think that I thought that he might need someone who understood what he was going through to be there for him." She answered, ashamed.

"Nurse Chapel, I have been there for Mr. Spock, and I chose a completely different route in my actions. Your decision was unethical and foolish!" Kirk snapped, feeling himself grow angry with her. "What if one of the children had seen that tape, instead? What did you think that you were going to accomplish?"

"I don't know!" She snapped at him.

"Perhaps you need to take a leave of absence while _you _deal with your issues, Nurse Chapel." he suggested.

"But, Captain. That would mean that I would have to leave the ship. I can't leave the ship."

"Have you been attending your therapy?"

"When I can," Christine said.

"When is your next appointment?" He asked, with annoyance in his voice.

"Tomorrow." She replied.

"If you miss that appointment, or any other appointment, you are officially on leave, do you understand me?" He asked. She nodded her head. "You're dismissed." He said. She could hear the disappointment and anger in his voice. her actions were not befitting of a Starfleet nurse, and she had disgraced the ship with her behavior, and she had failed her captain.

Christine left the room, crying and she immediately went to Spock's quarters and pressed the button. There was no response. She asked the computer to locate him, and discovered that he was in the brig. She knew that he was seeing her. She wondered how he would handle the news of what had taken place. She wondered if he would hate her for endangering his marriage? She hoped that he could forgive her. She would not try to have Lt. Uhura punished, that would just make Spock even less pleased with her. Chapel retired to her room.

Her door buzzed later and she went to it and saw Perkins in the hallway. He did not look pleased. "Is it true?" He asked. "Did you really throw yourself at Commander Spock?"

She sighed and replied, "I don't know where you heard that, but that is not what happened."  
"Explain it to me." He said. It was practically an order.

"I don't have to explain anything to you, Perkins. You and I are not involved and not seeing each other. I tried, and you turned me down."

Perkins suggested, "I did not turn you down. I told you that I would not feel comfortable playing your game, unless of course we had been knowing each other longer and been more intimately involved for a long period of time."

"Well, that tells me that I don't owe you any explanations."

"What everybody else says about you is true, then too. You beg men to fuck you then leave them alone, and since I tried to treat you like a person, like a woman, you brushed me off? What did you think that Commander Spock was going to have to do with something like you when he has a prize like Uhura?" Perkins asked.

"Well, if I could have gained him, then you would have been free to go after her. I know that she's what you want, anyway. Everyone knows that." She retorted.

"I am not a home wrecker, Christine. No matter what I think about someone, I never would have tried to come between a man and his wife, a person and their family, their children... I could slap the shit out of you myself." He said.

Christine smiled at him and said, "Do it." He shook his head and walked away in disgust. Christine allowed the door to shut and laid down in her bed.

Perkins was so nice. If she had noticed him before all of this, she may have been able to see herself with him, but she was damaged goods. There was only one thing that she was good for, and she had decided that she wanted to be that one thing, and it was so much better when she wanted to be it than it had been when she had been forced to be it. But, on nights like this, after exchanges like that, she needed Spock. She sporadically checked outside of the door to see if he was in the hallway, and a few times had gone over and pressed his button again. Even a few more times, she walked a little ways down the hall to the ship's computer and questioned of his location. He was in the mess hall. That was too crowded of a place for her to speak with him.

Soon after that check, when she peeked out of the doorway, she saw the two boys running towards the room. She was about to dive back into her room when Sytar said, "Hello pretty Nurse Chapel."

She smiled, softly and said, "Hello, Sytar."

Styik glared at her and said, "Do not address or even look at anyone in my family. I see no need to repeat this statement at a later date." Spock now approached and Styik took Sytar into Spock's quarters.

Christine said, "I am really sorry."  
"I believe that you may have experienced more pain from the events than I have, Nurse Chapel." He said, and headed for his room.  
"I need you to help me, again. It's not the same. I did not do this to myself, this time, not directly, at least. It's been a hard day to deal with."

"I must pack my possessions and return to my quarters. My wife and daughter are awaiting our return until they partake in dinner." He continued into his room, as he said, "Perhaps you can utilize a hypo to appease yourself." Spock entered his room, centering himself.

Styik commented, "I would not have told if you would have choked her..." He thought for a moment, then said, "Of course, she would have enjoyed it."

"Styik it is not proper to make such comments. Nurse Chapel is in need of serious help." Spock told him.

Dr. Mara looked at Christine as she entered the office. The first thing she asked was, "Did you get any sleep?"

"No."

"Have you eaten?" Mara asked.

"No."

"Here," Mara slid a tray of croissants to the woman and poured her some tea. "Now, I believe that you are in serious need to talk to me."

Christine took a deep breath, then muttered, "I am nothing. I made the only person who can ever understand my pain on this ship hate me, and I gained nothing for it. I have lost friends and I will never be respected again. Even Captain Kirk is mad at me, and I am sure that before the day is over, Janice will hate me... Everyone hates me."

"Sounds like self pity. What have we discussed about your self pity issues?"

"That they are the reason that I keep myself enslaved to victimization."

"Have you made yourself a physical victim since our last session?"

"No. I haven't done that since I spent the night with Mr. Spock." Christine began to cry, "He wouldn't help me last night. He was probably so mad that he did not want to touch me. I could see that he was mad - I could see it in his face. It hurt so much to have him that mad at me, after what he did for me."

"You have yet to tell me about that. You have been vague about it. What happened on the night that you spent with Spock?"

Christine retreated into her memory, wishing that she had a Vulcan psychiatrist who could just enter her mind and see the things. She hated to talk about them, but everyone else was doing so much better, by participating in their therapy.

"I invited a few friends over. I wanted to be watched. Only two of them were to touch me, the other three were there to watch. Somewhere along the lines, I realized that the others seemed to be trying to switch out with the ones who are hands on. I wanted to tell them to stop, but I was afraid. What if they didn't listen? If I didn't say no, then it was consensual. So, one of the ones who had switched off covered my mouth, and I began to panic. I struggled with him, but two of the others were holding me down. I panicked because my mouth was covered, and that's against my rules!"

"Because you can't say your safety word."

"Right. I was trying to tell him my word, trying to struggle free long enough to do so, but I couldn't. So, I just stopped struggling and I stopped trying to speak. I let all of them take their turns with me, practically silently. When they left, I was about ready to kill myself. I took several hypos and tried to forget about it, but I couldn't. I began to think about every random man that I had brought to my quarters for the past few months, and I got so sick and so stressed that I wrapped myself up in my bed sheet and rushed over to Mr. Spock's room."

Christine took a disposable cloth from the box and wiped her nose. She said, "Needless to say, he was confused by my presence, but I was incoherent, and full of medication. He tried to bring me to sick bay, but I was coherent enough to refuse, frantically. He must have been worried that someone might see us in the hallway, because he pulled me into the room and tried to get me to calm down. I knew that he had this ability to relieve pain, and I asked him to do so. He did that for me, then he let me lay down on his bed. I went to sleep, and when I woke up in the morning, he was seated at his table, playing chess with the computer. I thanked him for taking care of me. He asked me to see Dr. McCoy and to see you as soon as possible, and I snuck back into my room." She threw her hands in the air and said, "And I haven't been able to stop thinking about him, since. I let it make me stupid."

Dr. Mara sighed and said, "Christine, you could have contacted me with this matter."

"You can't touch my face and relieve my pain. I needed _him _that night. I _need_ him!" Christine uttered. "When he went into my mind, to take away my pain, I could feel his pain. I could feel what being away from Lt. Uhura is doing to him, how much he loves her, and how much he needs her, and I wanted that. I wanted a chance at that, and I messed up." She covered her face. "The captain is thinking about demanding that I be put on medical leave. I am so afraid, Dr. Mara." Christine began to cry out loud and Mara moved closer to her to embrace her.

Mara strolled down the hallway until she reached the bridge. She stood at the doorway and called out, "Permission to enter." Kirk turned to see her and waved her inside. She approached his chair with a smile and said, "Good morning, Captain."

"Good morning, good doctor. To what does the bridge owe this pleasant visit?" he asked.

"Christine Chapel." She said. Kirk frowned, "Jim, I need you to allow her to remain on the ship."

"I haven't removed her from the ship." He stated.

"She thinks that you might, and she needs to be here, healing with the rest of them." Dr. Mara said. She meant _the rest of you, _but knew that Kirk would only refute her inclusion of him. "Christine is at breaking point. She needs to even more intensive therapy than what she has been receiving. I am taking her off of her duties as a nurse, for psychiatric insufficiencies, and I need you to keep her on this ship."

"I am in the process of trying to make sure that I can keep Lt. Uhura on the ship, and now you want me Nurse Chapel, considering what she did."

"How long have you known Christine Chapel?" She asked.

"About eight years." He replied

"And in those eight years, would you ever have suspected that she would act in such a way? Christine is troubled by what happened on that planet, and I need you to understand that and help me to help her!" She did not realize how impassioned she was becoming, but her tone struck a nerve with Kirk.

He stood up from his captain's chair, conscious of the fact that the bridge staff was looking at he and Dr. Mara. He informed her, "I _have _been helping, and whatever it is that you are trying to do is not working so far. Maybe the problem is not with the patients, Dr. Mara."

"Maybe the problem is with the Captain!" She snapped. Mara did not know how she had let this get to her. She took a deep breath and said, "I apologize, Captain Kirk. Of course, the problem is not you, at all. The problem is me, but I am trying to rectify it. Captain, can we speak in private for a moment? Your whole crew is staring at us." At her mention of this, all of the personnel turned away from them. Kirk placed a hand on Mara's back and lead her off of the bridge.

They stepped onto the turbo lift, but paused it, just so they could speak between the two of them. Dr. Mara said, "Christine will need therapy equivalent to being committed into an asylum. Generally when Starfleet personnel enter such recovery processes, they have to leave the ship, but since her doctor is already on the ship, she should not have to leave."

"There are women all over the ship who think that Christine is going to try to take their love interests, too. Her being here might be worse for her than leaving, Mara." he said softly.

She pressed closely to him and touched his chest, "Jim, I need to keep her. If we pass her along to someone else now, she will feel like no one can help her, and she will not get better. Just trust me when I say that she is much worse than anyone here is thinking. Let me keep her?"

She gave him her most pleading face that she could accomplish and he whispered, "You know I have a hard time resisting those eyes."

Mara threw her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly, then kissed him on the cheek and said, "Thank you, so much, Jim. You're doing the right thing." She pressed the button to open the lift doors and left. Kirk returned to the bridge, and to his chair.

Spock approached the chair and asked, "Is everything well, Captain?" Kirk nodded his head. "Captain, if there is anything that you need assistance with..."

"Everything is fine, Spock. So, she let you back in, huh?" Kirk asked, referring to an earlier statement of Spock telling him that he had moved his belongings back into the quarters that he shared with Nyota. Spock realized that Kirk was trying not to focus on something, but if Kirk did not wish to address whatever it was, Spock was the last person to bring it out.

Christine stepped into the cell in the brig and laid down on the cot. Mara had walked in with her and told her, "Whenever you wish, you may leave here."

"This is best for me, right now. It is the closest thing that we have to a mental institution." Christine said, looking at the groups of people across the hall, sharing cells. Mara and she talked for a while, then Mara got up and went to the door and the guard let her through the forcefield. He looked at Christine, afterward and she saw him shudder. She had a sexual exchange with him, and he probably was shuddering over what had become of her.

Kirk entered Christine's cell with Mara. Christine had been there for weeks, taking all of her meals and medication as though she was really in an institution. Dr. Mara had been visiting with her on a daily basis, and whenever requested, if she was not involved in another session. Upon entering, Dr. Mara asked Christine, "Do you know what today is?" Christine looked confused as she stared at Captain Kirk. Mara answered the question, "Today is the day that I have a sit down with yourself and Captain Kirk. He and I have talked about what happened on that planet many times, and there are certain thoughts that he has about it that I believe he should share with you."

Christine sat up, attentively and looked at Kirk. Kirk paced, slowly around the cell and said, "Nurse Chapel... Christine, I hate what happened on that planet, and I hate things that have come about as a result of the abuse that we faced while on the planet, especially what has become of you. Christine, your work aboard this ship is greatly appreciated, but what most of us here love about you is the fact that you have always maintained a level of professionalism, even when it seemed like you should have been falling apart. For instance, Doc and I were discussing how after the events, you came to the ship and in your condition, insisted that you were not physically hurt and helped Bones with Lt. Uhura. That was one of the most admirable things that any of us on the ship had ever seen."

Christine smiled slightly and said, "Thank you, Captain."

"I'm not done. I also wanted to reassure you that what happened was not your fault. The things that have transpired since then have gotten out of your control, but you still are trying to get past everything, and that is a respectable trait." Kirk then stooped in front of Christine and told her, "This is the most important part, Chapel... despite what has happened, your worth has not depreciated. Harming you was not a pleasant experience, and anyone who would desire to harm you and used you as an object is sick. I hated every moment of what occurred between us, for the fact that I knew that I was hurting one of my ship mates, one of my friends, a wonderful woman who did not deserve to hurt or be used. There are still people on this ship who love and respect you, Christine, and I am among them." Christine reached out and hugged Captain Kirk tightly.

"Thank you, Captain. I did need to hear that." She said, releasing him.

"Dr. Mara thinks that you are fully capable to return back to your quarters. You will not be assigned to duty, just yet, but she wants you to try to get used to being around other people, again."

Christine nodded her head and said, "I will do it. Thank you, Captain. You will not regret it. I will not let you down so terribly again."

Kirk ordered the guard to let them out and walked with the two women back to Christine's former quarters. When she entered the room, she saw a beautiful bouquet of various colored flowers on her table. She gasped and asked, "Where did these come from?"

Dr. Mara said, "They were some extras left over from that planet with the science station. The flowers can sustain life without the necessities of Terran flowers, except for water. If they get water, they can survive for however long you wish to keep them, and they give off an aroma that soothes the mind and induces happiness."

Christine hugged her tightly, now, "Thank you, Dr. Mara."

"You do not have to thank me, Christine. You are recovering better than it seemed like you would three weeks ago. That is my reward."

Mara and Kirk left the room and Kirk said to her, "Is that your only reward?" She looked at him, with flirtatious eyes to match his own stare.

She smirked and replied, "From _her._" Kirk smiled and they parted ways to go where they needed to go.


	10. Circular Patterns

**Circular Patterns**

Nyota stared at Spock as he got dressed for his shift on the bridge. He did not glance in her direction. She assumed that he was mad at her, but she was not going to cave. Hell, she was mad at him, too. She sighed when their door opened and Sytar and Sanaa entered the room. Now, she would have to try to play pretend that everything was fine. "Good morning, my babies," Nyota said.

Sytar looked from Nyota to Spock, then frowned. Nyota sighed again. Sometimes, (she did not know why, but) she mistook her children for humans. It did not take them long to realize that something was wrong here. "Where is your brother?" She asked, hoping that talking would distract them from picking up her feelings.

"He has exams this morning." Sytar answered.

Nyota climbed out of the bed and threw on some clothes. She had allowed the time to slip away from her for glaring at Spock since they awoke. As of now, Spock still had not addressed her.

The previous day, they were in a session with Dr. Mara, together. Dr. Mara was still having separate sessions with them, but also now, they were involved in couple's therapy, just as the McCoys were. In yesterday's session, Mara had suggested that they engage in a mind meld. She thought that there were some issues that they needed to address, which may not be explicable unless they knew how the other was feeling about that particular subject. Dr. Mara had suggested that they meld to address Christine Chapel. Now, Nyota wanted to cuss Mara out.

During the meld, Nyota had learned that Spock had melded with Christine, to help alleviate her pain – self inflicted pain that she got from having random men galloping in and out of her chambers. Nyota had become so angry that she pushed Spock away from her to break the meld and glared at him. He had taken pity on the nurse, and Nyota felt that she could not blame him for that, but as she told him at that moment, "It was not your place to remedy her. You should have called the doctor, no matter how much she protested." She didn't say the rest, but she was thinking, _You just wanted to connect with her._

She did not know at the time of her thought that he was reading her mind and when he responded, "Perhaps I needed to connect with someone and she was available and willing to allow me to do so," Nyota lifted her hand to slap him, but stopped herself, or... he stopped her. She stared at her hand and lowered it to her lap.

They both looked at Mara and Mara began to say, "Nyota, it would be beneficial to your relationship for the two of you to address the issues that you have with Christine. Before I can clear you to return to work on the bridge, you know that I require three meetings between you and Christine, and you have yet to have one." Nyota sighed and shook her head, as though she could care less about this fact. "Nyota, before I allow you and Christine in a meeting together, I need you and Spock to sort out all of your issues on the matter. You can talk it out, if that's the road that you choose, but one way or another, the two of you are going to get everything that you think and feel about Christine's influence in your relationship settled before I ever let you anywhere near her."

Nyota smiled at Mara and said, "Dr. Mara, if I wanted to get to Christine, I have little worry that you would be able to stop me." Nyota knew that she was being a bitch, but the best thing for Dr. Mara and Spock to do at the moment was leave her in peace.

Dr. Mara said, "I am going to confine you to a cell if you do not complete this exercise." Nyota's head snapped back. Mara _could _confine her to a cell, for her own or another's safety, but Nyota hardly felt that such actions were in order. Mara explained, "You have the propensity to strike your husband when you become angry, and the fact that you did not actually impact with him doesn't detract from the fact that you were about to. I can confine you, just for that. Please, continue the meld."

Nyota frowned and turned towards Spock. He lifted his hands and they went back into the meld.

_When Christine had come to Spock's door, it had genuinely scared him. For a moment, he thought of Nyota. He wondered if his beloved wife was having as difficult of a time dealing with her own issues. As Nyota was not allowing him to be near her, he could not know whether or not she was in as troubled a state of mind. It worried him greatly. He intended to send Nurse Chapel off to medical bay and rush to check on Nyota, to make sure that she was not doing so badly. Of course, he knew that Nyota was not allowing men into her chambers to have their way with her. If she had been, he would have had to tear them apart, and Nyota would not do such a thing, anyway. His mind traveled back to the frantic Nurse Chapel. A quick meld would help her for the night, then he would be done with her and insist that she see both Dr. McCoy and Dr. Mara at the soonest possible moment._

_Spock sat Christine on a chair, at his table and connected with her. He wished that he had Sybok or Vulrak's abilities in this regard. Neither of them would have to reveal their own pain in order to make this connection and take hers away. But, he allowed the thought to pass quickly and proceeded to merge their thoughts into one. Mentally, he sifted through Nurse Chapel's anguish and compartmentalized the night's events into a state of peace. Tomorrow, she would have issues, but for tonight, she should be fine. The woman passed out. He was transmitting such a state of peace to her brain that she fell to sleep. He estimated that it would be morning before she would awaken._

_If he had attempted to bring her back to her room, someone might see them, and no matter how honest he was in expressing what had actually taken place, no one would believe him, and it would be quite difficult for him to face Nyota if people on the ship suspected him of having an affair with Christine. He decided to simply place her in the bed. He did so, then left, to check on Nyota._

_Nyota was sound asleep when he entered the room. His voice was speaking through the speakers of her room's announcement system. This caused great comfort within him. So, it had not just been once. This was something that she did regularly. The fact that she used his voice as a means of comfort not only comforted him, but made him proud. At least, although she could not live with him, she still found herself unable to live without him. He watched her sleep for a while, peacefully breathing, and not stirring at all. This was satisfying, but also torture. He wanted to stay. He wanted to gather himself closely to her and hold her and drown in her scent and find solace in her soft skin. It became unbearable to do this to himself._

_He left the room and returned to his own chambers, where Christine was occupying his bed. For a moment, only briefly, he thought of just joining her. He scolded himself mentally for the thought. Being Vulcan meant not needing anyone in an emotional sense. Being half human, however... he shook the thought again. He sat down at his table and commenced to play chess with the computer system. He decided at that moment that there was no reasonable way to tell Nyota about this night. She would only become upset with him, and that would only add to the problems that they were currently having._

Now, Nyota's mind began to flurry around over Christine. Nyota had been so proud of the woman for how she was handling herself. There was the glitch at Hawkins' party that night, she thought of it – shared the night with Spock, but after that, Nyota returned to being just as fond of Christine as she had been since the incident. Nyota had felt that they were connected. That they shared a common tragedy which would connect them together for all times. She was the one person aboard this vessel that Nyota actually felt that she had not been detached from when she had experienced the attack at the minds of the Platonians, and now, she was alone again.

Christine was not like her. They were not connected. She betrayed her by trying to reach out to Spock in the way that she had, and now, she felt that Spock had betrayed her too, for connecting with the woman. Perhaps if he had not, she would not have felt the urge to try to get him. Perhaps the reason that she no longer felt connected to Christine, and was now completely alone, was because Spock melded with the damned woman, in the first place.

Nyota sighed as Spock pulled his hands away from her face. She and he both looked at Dr. Mara, and Spock said, "I do not believe that this particular session has been successful, Dr. Mara."

"As long as both of you know each other's feelings, you will be better equipped to deal with each other's feelings. Now, that you both know each other's feelings, let's sort through them and explain them," Mara said.

"Christine's advances were his fault." Nyota said.

"No, Nyota. Christine is responsible for her own choices, and she is willing to admit it and to face you to apologize and to..."

"Damn Christine, Mara. Damn her. She can keep her apology. I really have no use for it. You know, if things were reversed. If Christine was the one who was physically destroyed by her lover and I was the other woman, I know that I would not help her situation by betraying her when she had no one else that she could actually trust." Nyota bit her lip, then clarified, "I felt like Christine and I were connected. A terrible connection, but a real one, and now I don't."

"You have Spock. You don't need anyone else to connect to." Dr. Mara offered.

"Spock connected with Christine!" Nyota snapped.

"Spock assisted Christine. What Spock did with Christine is the equivalent of you sitting down with her and talking to her if she had come to your door. Be honest, Nyota, would you have wanted Spock to just brush her off in the middle of the night after she's suffered from a traumatic episode on top of post traumatic stress?"

"I would have wanted Spock to do the logical thing and take her to the medical ward where professionals would have saw to her well being. Instead, he let his emotions guide his actions." Nyota retorted.

Dr. Mara sighed and looked at Spock. He had not said anything, thus far. Mara asked, "Do you have anything to say, Spock?"

"I made the choice that I believed to be the logical one. At the time, I was the one most qualified to assist Nurse Chapel. Had I attempted to bring her to the medical ward, she may have suffered even more trauma simply in the duration of leaving my quarters and entering sick bay. Others would have seen us, and it would have been misconstrued. I believed that my choice was logical. I cannot appreciate that it is not deemed so." Spock said, glaring briefly at Nyota. She noticed it, but did not call him out on it. She did not have anything else to say to him.

They had gone home. She had dinner with the kids while he remained on the bridge. She went to bed alone. He entered their quarters later, and accidentally woke her getting into the bed, as she had not gotten used to him joining her in the bed again yet. And on today, they awoke, and neither said a word to the other.

When Nyota was directing the children out of the room, Spock finally reached out to her and touched her hand. She looked at him, slightly angry, but it quickly melted away as he transmitted feelings of love into her. She gently took her hand away from his hold and said, "We will see you later." This was her fault. She told herself that Spock was just trying to help someone, and that she should not be mad at him for that... especially since it was her fault that he was even next door to Christine's room in the first place. She had put him out. She had insisted that he not touch her, not connect with her, not read her mind, not do anything that he might need to do to gain his own peace of mind. Why, it was a wonder that Spock was still holding himself together after how horribly she had treated him. This was her fault. She needed to apologize to him and listen to Mara and try to fix this.

The worse part of that was the fact that Christine was able to find out his feelings about their marital struggles. Christine knew how her husband felt about their situations before she even did. But, when she thought about it, she would not have had him put Christine through any more anguish than she had already put herself through. It still stung, and it was embarrassing.

Spock went to the bridge feeling especially off center._ Damn Nyota!_ He started, a bit at the thought. How could he even think that? Well, technically, she was the reason that he had not been able to return to a sense of calm, simultaneously, she was his main source of returning to calm. Life with her made no sense when she was angry. Her anger made no sense. Being back in their quarters, as refreshingly comforting as it was to take her scent in, the sight of her face in the morning, the feel of her limbs wrapped around him at night when she moved about in her sleep... it was also a constant reminder of the fact that it had been completely illogical of him to ever get involved with her.

He regretted the thoughts that he was having about his wife. They were, after all closer than any two human beings could ever be, connected at their minds. That was what was the biggest issue. The fact that their minds were connected made him feel like he was losing his every time she went into these _moods. _The only advantageous fact about her having had a hysterectomy was the fact that she would no longer be having a woman's cycle, and she had always accredited her mood swings to her woman's cycle. What would she credit them to now? Oh, yes, to _him. _Everything was his fault, according to her. Each time there was an issue between them, in the beginning, it had been blamed on his inability to display and convey emotions. Each time there was an issue between them later, it had been blamed on his putting logic before his emotions, although he had learned to show his emotions, when with her, only in private. Then, when something terrible happened and she needed him for strength, he tried to, but needed to gather himself, as well. He would claim responsibility for such decisions. But now, it was his intention from the beginning to sort out their attack _together, _as she had always claimed that they needed to do things. This time around, she rejected her own method, and now, she was rejecting the doctor's attempt to help them by human standards.

There were times when he thought seriously of just releasing her from their bond. To him, she did not seem to wish to be ensnared into the relationship, anyway. Perhaps he could let go of her, but then he would have to go to New Vulcan and complete the kolinahr. There was no way that he could think of that he could manage to let go of her, otherwise. It was those second thoughts that kept him enslaved to his emotions. Logic would tell him that being bonded to her had not been beneficial to him. Logic would tell him that now, he was an accomplished enough Vulcan where he actually could find a Vulcan woman who would wish to bond with him, despite his parentage, and if he acted quickly enough, he could be bonded with a Vulcan woman before his first Pon Farr, which was less than a year away, if he was going to experience it at the same time that Ambassador Spock did in the other time line.

Pon Farr. He had not thought about it while dealing with Nyota's trauma. That subject would need addressing, as well. What if she was not mentally healed by that time? What if the barbarism that accompanied the phase brought back the incident that they were still struggling with, nearly a year afterwards? He stopped walking and took a deep breath. He thought of Nyota's face the first time they ever kissed. He thought of the feeling of her in his arms the first time that he ever held her. He thought of the sensations that flowed through him the first time he ever heard her say "I love you"... He was centered.

He would not try to replace Nyota, no matter what event was taking place. He would be willing to die, for not having her (in that way), rather than preserve himself to live without her. If only she understood how much she meant to him! Spock continued walking, pushing the issues from his mind. He needed to be focused for work. He would have to handle the home issues when he got home.

To Spock, being Vulcan had always meant traveling a straight path, moving forward in a determined and efficient manner, to come to a point. Along the way, issues would arise that would need logic to subside. Being with Nyota meant traveling a circular path. It was not nearly as tranquil as the straight path of Vulcans, and logic rarely was used to handle issues that arose.

This circular path exhausted Spock. He could not fathom how humans could sustain themselves when continuously traveling this type of journey. They seemed to quite enjoy living within the parameters of the difficult struggles of illogic. Life with Nyota was a vicious cycle. One moment, there was peace and the next, pain. One day there was contentment, and the next, chaos. Spock could find no logical reasons to continue on with such unstable conditions, so he adjusted to the concept of dealing with it for an illogical reason. He withstood the cycle because he loved her. He knew that he loved her, and she did too. Perhaps, she simply needed to be reminded.

Christine left the table when she saw Nyota enter the mess hall with the children. Generally, she made sure that she was gone before then, but she had been deeply engaged in a conversation with Lt. Hawkins and had lost the time. Of course, without Chekov in the room, she did not really keep up with the time. Actually, she was in the mess hall much earlier than usual. Generally, she did not arrive until after Nyota and the children entered, but since she left the brig, she had been trying to avoid seeing the woman, at all. Christine had taken to coming into breakfast much earlier, and Hawkins accompanied her, as a nice gesture, although they both decided that anything beyond friendship between the two of them was out of the question.

Nyota glared at Christine upon entering the room and the nurse told her male friend, "She's here. I have to go."

"Or... you could just say hello to her and get it over with." Hawkins suggested.

"Have a good day," Christine said. She walked the long way towards the door to avoid going anywhere near Nyota. She knew that Nyota would not strike her in front of the children, but she could remember exactly how hard that initial punch was, and she did not want to risk the possibility of receiving another one, even if the chances were slim.

Sytar asked for "real breakfast" on that morning, so Nyota let the children have pancakes, veggie sausage and fruit. Sytar wanted to try eggs, but Spock had already stated, years before that their children would not eat any meat, meat products, or anything coming from a breathing creature. Eggs and milk were both on that list. Sometimes, she did wish that she could allow them to try certain things – milkshakes, for one. As a child, she loved milkshakes, and her children would never get to know the wonderful delight of a milkshake. Sure, they had those non dairy shake things, but they were no match for a real milkshake. Fortunately, it was easier for partially Vulcan children to be content with rules than the typical human child. They were perfectly content with their breakfast.

Nyota sat with Sanaa on her lap. Chekov, Scotty, and Sulu entered the mess hall. When they retrieved their food, they joined Nyota and the children. Hawkins joined them, as well. Nyota smiled at him and said, "What happened to your girlfriend?"

"Please, don't do that," Hawkins asked of her. "Christine and I are only friends, and will never be anything but friends. You should talk to her, though. It would mean the world to her if you did."

"Why do you say that?" Chekov asked, then said, "Nurse Chapel is a despicable human being, disguising her disgusting behavior with trauma. Lt. Uhura had a worse experience than she did, and did not become a..."

"Uhura." Hawkins said, interrupting whatever insult that Chekov was about to spill. "I just want you to know, there were days when there were people speaking against you for how you were behaving, when you began flipping out, when you kicked Commander Spock out of your room... You may have handled things in a different way than Chris has, but the point is, people handle things differently. And just like I defended you when people said things about you, I am going to defend Chris."

Nyota said, "I did not say one thing against Christine, Hawk. You are addressing the wrong person. Pavel said something against Christine, and it was tasteless. No one has heard me say anything negative about her since what happened, except for Spock and Dr. Mara. And as I have been the target of criticism about how I handle things, no one will ever hear me say anything against Christine. That is not the way that I handle myself. But, thank you for the advice. Pavel, apologize for what you said about Christine Chapel."

Chekov looked around at the table, slightly confused, slightly embarrassed, and said, "I apologize for my words against Christine Chapel."

"Thanks." Nyota said, then looked at Hawkins and said, "No one else will say anything against her again."

Hawkins sighed and said, "You still need to talk to her."

Nyota said, "No, Hawkins. I don't, and as a matter of fact, I don't even want to talk about talking to her, so Mr. Scott, new subject please."

Scotty immediately said, "I just started doing updates for the computer system of the ship. Styik said that he wanted to join me when I began, but he was still working on his exams when I contacted him."

"Yea..." She began talking. The subject had changed, and as far as she was concerned, did not need to return to where it had been. She stole a few glances in Hawkins' direction, checking to see if he had been affected at all by the dismissal of his subject. He did not seem offended, but he was extremely quiet, and she knew that it was because he was not satisfied.

Sytar was on Spock's back as they walked from the children's keeper's room. Spock sometimes entertained the children, when Nyota and he were not doing so well. It actually helped him to feel better, knowing that at least the children were happy. "Put me down, Father. Do Sanaa, now." Spock listened.

He placed Sytar on the floor and hoisted Sanaa onto his back to carry her around on his neck, but after a few moments, he set her down and informed Sytar, "Your sister does not appreciate the same forms of entertainment as you."

"Do Mother, now." Sytar cheered.

Spock and Nyota looked at each other for a moment, then she laughed and said, "Hey, why not? It'll entertain him." She said.

"It would be highly inappropriate," Spock said.

Nyota looked at the children, at their faces of excited anticipation, with a mischievous smile on her face, then jumped onto Spock's back and wrapped her arms around him. Both of the children, yes, Sanaa, as well as Sytar, laughed loudly. Spock carried Nyota down the hallway on his back and the children followed, laughing.

Several crew members passed them along the way, looking at them. Some of them laughed, some stared in complete shock that Commander Spock was actually engaging in such an action. When they were about to cross paths with Kirk and Dr. Mara, Spock froze and Nyota slid off of his back. The couple looked at each other, then at Kirk and Mara. Spock remained as stoic as ever, while Nyota clearly tried to catch her breath and straighten her demeanor up, on the spot. Kirk smiled at them, pressing Mara forward with his hand on the small of her back and said to them, "As you were, Mr. Spock, Uhura." Mara simply smiled brightly at them.

When Kirk and Mara disappeared around a corner, Spock said, "That exchange was most uncomfortable."

"The ride was fun, though." Nyota said. Spock looked at her and she kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you for indulging us."

Sytar laughed, then cheered, "Race you!" He took off running.

Spock said, "Sytar, no." The boy stopped running. When Nyota looked at Spock, he responded, "I believe that I have indulged him quite enough for the rest of the night."

Once the children were settled in their room for the night, Nyota and Spock also retired to their room. Nyota said, "I want to apologize for how I have been being about this melding with Christine thing. I am being rather immature about everything, and I am sorry."

"I am sorry that I made the wrong decision in that regard," He offered.

"No, you didn't. You did the right thing. You did what a friend would do. I don't want you to be a bad friend on account of my reactions. I mean, I know that I am only human, but you know, eventually, the logic sinks in."

"Generally." He stated.

"And I really did enjoy the ride," she said.

Before she had a chance to move again or to say anything else, Spock grabbed her and hoisted her unto his back. She squealed, a short yelp, then began laughing. As he carried her around the room, she leaned in and whispered in his ear, "I can't stay mad at you." Then, she kissed him on the side of the face. Spock felt proud of himself. He had acted upon impulse, and earned himself a small token of affection, which in his opinion, was significantly greater than no tokens of affection.

"Nyota..." He placed her down on the floor and turned to face her. "Do you believe that it may be possible if we slept in each other's arms tonight?" She tilted her head, for a moment, then nodded. Spock took her hand and led her to the bed.

"Are you sleepy, Spock?" She asked.

"No, but I am suddenly quite adamant about going to bed," he answered. He set himself up on the pillows and she climbed onto him and they wrapped their arms around each other. Spock stroked her hair and she stroked his chest. Peace and contentment... whatever tomorrow had in store, tonight would be worth it, as far as he was concerned.


	11. Behind the Back and Face to Face

**Behind the Back and Face to Face**

_(The week before Christine left the brig)_

Kirk stared at Dr. Mara as she read over her PADD in the mess hall. Nyota joined him at his table and said, "Don't look too hard, Captain. If you must be reminded, yet again, the woman is spoken for."

Kirk smiled at her and said, "Uhura, it's nice to see you out and about."

"Are you kidding me? After being on house arrest for two weeks, there is nothing that I want more than being out and about," Nyota told him with a chuckle.

"In speaking of out and about, Mara is wanting to ask Christine to leave the brig, next week." Kirk said.

Nyota frowned, but said, "Dr. Mara is the doctor, and a professional. If she says that Chapel should come out, Chapel should come out."

"Can you handle that?" He wondered.

"I can handle more than Christine." Nyota said.

"You know what story keeps coming to mind?... That night that we were at the modeling show, at the Academy..." Kirk started

"Oh, God. I remember that better than mostly anything that has ever happened to me, what I keep forgetting is the fact that **you** were there."

"Whatever happened to that woman?" He asked with a smile.

"Doyle was on the Farragut." Nyota said.

Kirk frowned and said, "Oh. I'll never look back at that moment and laugh again."

"Good. It wasn't funny. Captain Kirk, I don't like to lose control. It's embarrassing – for me and for Spock, whether or not he will say so."

"Were you with Spock when you punched that woman?" Kirk asked.

Nyota sighed, not really wanting to think about that particular incident, but answered, "Yes, I was with Spock."

"How long have the two of you been..." When Kirk saw Spock approaching the table, he changed the subject to, "So basically, when Dr. Mara gets us to a certain point, she's going to feel at liberty to leave the ship and if we need further sessions, we can conduct them via transmissions, like you were doing before she came on board."

Nyota pressed her lips together and turned to see Spock sitting down. Spock did not like when Kirk asked Nyota about their personal information. He never made a big fuss over it, but the fact that Kirk knew that he did not like it always caused him to try to play it off.

Spock sat down at the table and replied, "If you are inquiring as to how long I have known Lt. Uhura, the answer in Terran time is..."

Nyota joined in with him to answer, "Eleven years, eight months, sixteen days, fourteen hours..." she stopped speaking as he continued, "seventeen minutes and forty two seconds." Kirk smiled, slightly. Of course, Spock had heard him try to play the conversation off. Spock slightly smirked at Nyota and said, "You were quite close to a precise account."

"I've been trying to keep count. Your internal clock works better than me consulting my PADD." She answered. "I can't do the minutes and seconds."

"There was a time that you said the same thing about the hours." Spock replied. Then, glanced at Kirk and said, "But of course if you were asking how long we have been romantically involved..."

"Since he came back on the ship, technically. We had dated for a few months, at the Academy. Then we broke up for a few, although sometimes, it was like we hadn't broken up because I couldn't be with anyone else."

"You could have selected another. You chose to restrain yourself," Spock said.

"No, you had a hold on me..." She corrected.

Kirk watched the couple go back and forth, arguing, but not spitefully, then he excused himself from the table and went to join Mara.

"So... Kirk says that Christine might be coming back to the real world next week." Nyota said. "Dr. Mara told me whenever the data slate situation happened that Christine and I definitely would have to have a face to face with her as the mediator. That will probably be coming up soon. I want to forgive her, I really do. I know how hard it is to deal with what happened to us, but every time I think about her, I think about the fact that she tried to take you from me when I was at one of my weakest moments."

Spock answered, "It has been established that I shall belong to you until the date of my death."

"My death," She corrected, knowing that Vulcans outlived humans.

"We have discussed that discrepancy previously," Spock stated.

"I don't have a Vulcan memory bank, so I may need to be reminded." She said with a sly smile.

Spock placed his two fingers onto hers and told her, seriously, "Whether you die first, or I do, I shall consider myself yours until the date of _my _death." She leaned forward and kissed him on the corner of his mouth. Spock's eyes fluttered ever so slightly, then he said, "I believe that now is the time to head to the learning resource area to retrieve our children."

"You want to walk with me?" She asked.

He replied, "That is agreeable."

As they walked, she suddenly remembered, "Oh, Janice and I want to have dinner tonight, together. Our family with she and Dr. McCoy." Spock nodded in agreement to the arrangement.

Dr. McCoy opened the door and immediately picked up Sanaa and kissed her on the cheek. Before he would even so much as speak or look at anyone else in the party, his princess received attentions from him. He held her as the others walked inside. Janice smiled at them and went to steal Sanaa from her godfather. She followed a practice quite similar to her husband's where Sanaa was involved.

Sytar sat at the children's table, which the McCoy's kept for when they babysat the little ones. Styik set his computer on the big table and began studying. "Does he ever _not_ study?" Dr. McCoy asked Spock.

Styik answered for himself, "My personal instructor sends me the curriculum that is being taught on my academic level from the Vulcan Science Academy on a daily basis. If I am to match and exceed the other Vulcans on my academic level, I have to maintain familiarity with the studies that they have, and be certain that I can understand them completely, in preparation for my future."

"You are only twelve. You have plenty of time." Janice said, setting Sanaa down at the children's table now, too.

"I plan on having intellectual efficiency to enter into the Vulcan Science Academy within the next two years. I wish to enroll when I am fourteen." Styik confessed.

Janice tilted her head and asked, "Isn't that young, even for a Vulcan to be admitted to that school?"

"Firstly, _only _Vulcans are admitted into the school, so your use of "for a Vulcan" was not needed, and secondly, yes, fourteen is a young age to be admitted into the school, but it is also something that I can and will do. Tirza is an excellent personal instructor, and I am an exemplary pupil." Styik said, not turning away from the screen of his computer. There had been a tad bit of sass in his response, but Nyota decided that she would let him make it unscathed. They had just arrived, after all.

Dr. McCoy announced, "Well, there is even more cause for celebration!"

"More cause, Doctor?" Spock questioned.

Janice offered, "Joanna has been accepted into Starfleet, and she is going to be studying nursing."

Nyota looked confused, until Spock replied, "Being accepted into a school is an accomplishment that any father would celebrate."

"Oh!" Nyota said with realization. "Joanna, your daughter! I'm sorry, McCoy. I forget that you have a daughter, sometimes. How old is she?"

"Seventeen!" Dr. McCoy admitted proudly. "Dr. Mara contacted her to talk to her about me and she was so excited for the chance to tell me about the news! We had not spoken in years, and the only communication that we held was through letters which she sent to Starfleet. I would get the information much later than she sent it. Now, she has direct contact with me here on the ship." Nyota could have sworn that his eyes were sparkling as he announced the news.

Janice commented, "He has been on cloud nine for the most portion of the day."

Nyota smiled and gave him a hug, "That is great news, Leonard."

"What are we eating?" Sytar asked.

Janice smiled at him and asked, "Did you give me a hug, tonight, my little friend?" He reached up and gave her a big hug, but the child was not to be deterred.

"What are we eating?" He asked.

Nyota said, "You should answer, Janice. He is all business when it comes to food... his metabolism is extremely high."

Janice looked at the boy and said, "Well, we have quite a menu tonight, but I know that _you _will be particularly interested in the beet salad and the pumpkin pie."

"Beet salad?" He questioned. The dish was new to him, but he loved beets.

"Mr. Spock, would you mind preparing the kids their plates?" Janice asked. "I haven't mastered the art of preparing their servings with the perfect portions for their body types. There is always food left on their plates when I fix them."

Spock nodded once and went to the little bar where several platters of food were displayed. He made Sanaa's plate first, of course, then Sytar's. Sytar happily snatched the plate and reached his hand out for his food. "Sytar." Spock stated once, and the boy winced slightly, then grabbed his fork.

Nyota, Spock, Janice and Dr. McCoy joined Styik at the table, with their own plates. Nyota glanced at the counter and said, "I am going to have to take home a whole desert plate."

"Leonard's got the sweet tooth tonight." Janice said, smiling at her husband.

McCoy smiled and said, "This is the best that I have felt in a long time. Feel free to have seconds and thirds of desert, if that's what you want. Spock, you have some too. Janice handmade that chocolate surplus pie."

"Spock can not have chocolate." Nyota said.

"He can have it. It won't kill him. It'll lighten him up." Dr. McCoy corrected.

"No thank you, Doctor." Spock said.

Janice sat on Dr. McCoy's lap and said, "I guess that means more sweets for you, Leonard." She kissed him on the forehead.

"I love my sugar," Dr. McCoy said.

"The two of you are doing really well," Nyota said, with a smile. "I am so glad to see that."

"Well, aren't you two doing well, too?" Janice asked. Neither Spock nor Nyota answered. Spock was chewing and Nyota took that time to take a drink of her wine. Janice quickly added, "Well, Dr. Mara has been wonderful for us, but then again, we didn't have it as bad as you two to begin with..."

"Janice," Dr McCoy interrupted. He glanced at Styik, and Janice blushed for her own foolishness, and almost dropped her wine glass. She took a sip and placed the glass on the table.

Styik replied, without looking up, "I know everything about the situation, already. It is the younger ones that discretion is required for."

Dr. McCoy changed the subject, "At any rate, Dr. Mara _is _wonderful. I'm going to be sad to see her go."

"I'm not. When she goes, that means that I am better." Nyota said. "And better is what I am aiming for."

Janice said, "I think that you are better. You seem better than you did at first, and you were still working then. I don't know why you haven't started working again yet."

"I have to have these face to face sessions with Christine before Mara will clear me for work." Nyota said, not mentioning that Mara also wanted her and Spock to begin melding regularly. Mara suggested that she did not have to be present for the melds, but she would ask about them, and Spock had this terrible issue with not lying. All she would have to ask him is if they have melded, and he would reveal whether or not they have been, whether or not he answers the questions. Janice growled about the statement, and Nyota added, "So, I am just trying to wait it out, until I can feel better about everything that happened before I have to face her. Every time I see her, I just want to hurt her."

Spock tensed up at the words. Nyota noticed him and rubbed the back of his hand. "Nyota, it is not wise to speak in such a way. Should you be heard, if ever anything does happen between the two of you, you may be accused of premeditating an attack," Spock informed her, gravely.

"What do you think we are, Spock?" Dr. McCoy asked, "Back stabbers?" Spock lifted an eyebrow, not certain what the question meant.

Janice said, gruffly, "No, Christine Chapel is the back stabber. I can not believe that I have trusted her around Leonard all of this time! What if _he_ had been a convenient source of comfort for her? Back stabber." She repeated the word and Spock now turned to face Nyota, checking to see if she noticed his confusion.

Nyota looked at Spock, and upon seeing his face, with its slight hints of confusion, explained, "A back stabber is someone who is perceived to be a friend, but treats the alleged friend in a treacherous way."

"A traitor," Styik added.

Janice shook her head in disbelief, angered disbelief, and said, "And there I was feeling so sorry for her, trying to have you to check on her and talk to her and try to make her feel better, and she was trying to sink her claws into your husband! I knew that she was going to do that. I had a feeling. She has always been so ridiculous when it came to Spock. Like Kirk with pretty girls, logic and common sense, years of firmly grounded intelligence, all of the above out of the window at first sniff!" Janice fussed.

"Janice, calm down. There are children present," Dr. McCoy said. He looked at the guests and said, "She gets worked up when you mention Nurse Chapel."

"Uhura trusted her!" Janice defended herself.

"I am going to have to second Dr. McCoy's request that you calm down, Mrs. McCoy," Spock said.

Janice stared at him for a moment, then picked up her wine glass, "Perhaps I should pour the rest of this out." Janice arose from her husband's lap and went to pour out the rest of her wine. She called out, "I think I may lay down for a while." She staggered into the bed area and laid down.

"I love her, but she never has been very good at holding her alcohol. Damned woman is going to get herself in trouble with that someday. I'm really sorry, about the kids being exposed to her that way, Spock." McCoy said. Spock nodded once, and Nyota pressed her lips together. When McCoy noticed, he said, "And Uhura."

Nyota pretended to be startled and asked, "Am I here?" She smiled at winked at Dr. McCoy. He gave her a small smile back.

"I want some pie!" Sytar called out. Nyota glanced at Spock, and Spock arose to go get a slice of pie for their son.

When he was away from the table, Dr. McCoy said, "I really wish that you would talk to Nurse Chapel. I don't feel comfortable going on missions aboard new planets when Hawkins is at your station."

"Hawkins learned from the very best." Nyota assured Dr. McCoy.

"Well, maybe when I go to the bridge, I just want to be able to see you there," McCoy now said.

Styik warned, "Careful, Doctor. My father is still within hearing distance and prone to jealousy."

"Jealousy is illogical," Spock replied from where he was standing.

Styik glanced at him, looked at Dr. McCoy, smirked and said, "It is natural, Father. Being half human, feelings are quite natural."

"You have feelings, too, Styik," Nyota reminded him, automatically becoming defensive over Spock, and his emotions.

"And I have no problem with them, Mother," Styik said. "I rather enjoy showing them. Father is still in denial about his, when everyone who knows anything about him knows..."

"Styik, enough!" Nyota snapped. The room became silent.

Everyone stared at her, except for Spock, who simply placed a slice of pie before Sytar and returned to his place at the table. Nyota held out two of her fingers towards him and he met them with his own. This caused Styik to smile to himself. Even if he had been slightly embarrassed by Nyota's tone with him, it was worth it to see her reach out to Spock. Then, she wrapped her fingers around his, brought his hand to her mouth and kissed it. "I have you covered," she said.

_**(Presently)**_

"Nyota, I am merely telling you what I require of you before I am going to clear you for work on the bridge. Three sit downs with Christine Chapel, and personal melds with Spock. I realize that I may have been too forceful before, and that is why I am not pressuring you to act, but the fact of the matter is that Captain Kirk respects my decision. You can take however long you need to, but I am not clearing you for work until we have the three meetings behind us." Dr. Mara said, barely even glanced at Nyota as she restated the conditions of her returning to work.

"Mara, you saw Spock and I in the hallway the other night. He gave me a piggy back ride on the ship! I mean, we are still having issues, but they're regular marriage issues. It's nothing like it was before you came along and we are both grateful for that, but I know that I am able to work again. I know that I will be fine," Nyota insisted.

"I have no doubt that you will be fine, but Christine is not as strong as you, and for me to properly treat her, you will need to talk to her." Mara placed her PADD down on the table and said, "What if I moderate your exchange? What if I make transmissions between the two of you to break the ice, clear the air a little, then will you agree to a face to face?"

"What about this transmission?" Nyota asked.

Mara had each of them ask three questions that they wanted to know the answer to from the other, then she made a transmission of their responses. She sat separately with each of them to allow them to hear the answers to the questions which they had given to her for each other.

_**Nyota:**_

_How could you hurt the one person who shared your pain?_

_Did you really think that you could come between Spock and I?_

_Are you satisfied, now?_

Christine took a deep breath and looked at the recording device as she replied, "How could I hurt the one person who shared my pain? I don't know. There is no excuse. There is nothing that I can say that will successfully answer such a question. All that I can say is that I am sorry that I did so. I knew how much pain you were in and I knew that you needed someone, that your friends were low and you had no one that you could relate to, but those things just didn't... they didn't affect my behavior. I hope that I was just too sick at the time. I hope that it was not a conscious decision, on my part, to hurt you. As of right now, I still don't really know what I was thinking, but I really am sorry."

She glanced at the PADD in her hand to see the next question, and replied to it, as well, "Did I really think that I could come between Spock and you? No. I don't know. He was in so much pain. He was so lonely and you were so withdrawn from him, that I think that maybe I did, briefly. Of course, I was not in my right mind, Uhura. Please believe me when I say that I know that Mr. Spock loves you more than anything, and if ever he would have ever had anything to do with me, it would not be in the capacity that I made advances towards him. I hope that one day you can forgive me."

Now, she glanced down, one more time for the last question, and answered, "Am I satisfied, now? No. I am ashamed of myself. I am angry at myself. I caused unnecessary pain. I put an unnecessary additional strain on your marriage, and I lost... a lot. Uhura, I have looked up to you for years. I wanted us to be friends. I enjoyed the periods of time that we were friends, and I ruined that. So, no, I am not satisfied, but I deserve to feel the way that I feel for what I did to you. I am sorry."

Mara allowed Nyota to watch the transmission of Christine's answers _before _making the transmission of Nyota's answers. Nyota felt that it was a set up. Mara was probably trying to soften up her answers by showing her a pitiful, pathetic Christine boo-hooing about her silly mistakes and begging for forgiveness. Nyota decided that despite what Christine had said, there was no need to lie to the woman. Mara told her to speak her mind, and she was rather good at that, so she decided to do so.

_**Christine**:_

_Do you hate me for what I have done to you?_

_Will you ever forgive me?_

_What can I do to try to show you that I am truly sorry?_

Nyota looked directly at the recorder and announced, "I don't need a PADD to address your questions, because the things that you've asked me are things that I would have already told you by now if I thought that you were important enough to talk to, but since I am forced to communicate with you, and there is no getting around it, it's about time that you know. Yes, I do hate you. That is saying a lot, Chapel, because I am not a hateful person. However, I hate you, and I do not know if I will ever forgive you. The thing about this is, I really don't have to forgive you. Because I lost my faith in God on that planet. Forgiveness has become a thing of the past to me, and not forgiving you has not caused me to lose a wink of sleep yet. And finally, what can you do to show me that you're sorry? How about you just don't worry yourself with that one? Instead, just stay away from me. I will not bother you and you don't bother me. I am going to do whatever I need to do to get back on the bridge, but you and I need not deal with each other unless work absolutely demands it."

Mara stopped the recording and said, "So, you _do _agree to the face to face meetings?"

"I have no choice, do I?" Nyota asked, then glanced at the clock and stood up, "I will see you next session."

"Have you and Spock been melding?" Mara asked.

"Not since you threatened me into it," Nyota replied, leaving the office.

As she stepped out, she nearly bumped right into Christine. The color flooded Christine's face and she quickly said, "I apologize, Lt. Uhura."

Nyota simply stepped around her without replying, glanced at Hawkins, who was next to Christine and said, "Hawkins," with a nod of acknowledgment.

Upon walking away, she heard Christine say, "I told you that she hates me. She did not even acknowledge me."

"She doesn't _hate _anyone, Chris," she heard Hawkins say. She kept walking. Christine would find out very soon exactly what she though of her. Having finished that transmission, Nyota did not really understand the purpose of having face to face meetings, but they were mandatory. They wouldn't be the most difficult thing she had ever done.

Truthfully, the problems between Christine and Nyota had not began recently. Their problems began almost as soon as they met. Nyota and Spock had melded in their academy days. Spock knew it was not logical and even knew that it was dangerous, but for whatever reason, found it next to impossible to resist Nyota begging him for it. He had wanted to, but had been afraid of possibly hurting her... with good reason. In the weeks following their meld, Nyota began to behave erratically. She could not seem to keep her emotions contained, until finally, she suffered a severe mental lapse in which the emotions related chemicals in her brain violently changed from one to another and she laid in what appeared to be a state of shock.

They discovered that this was a reaction to the meld between herself and a Vulcan she was not bonded to. Spock had left Vulcan sized emotions within a human body, unable to control them as successfully, and Nyota ended up in medical bay. Christine was her nurse. Already, the woman had love for Spock, not realizing that he belonged to someone else. (Technically, Spock and Nyota were broken up, but Spock still belonged to Nyota, as far as either of them were concerned.) Nyota even encouraged Christine to try to go after Spock, _if _she was a fighter, willing to work hard, with what seemed to be unfair disadvantages, against all his years of logic!

Christine had declined, yet, when she believed that Nyota may have been winning Spock for herself, again, Christine reported Spock's suspicious activity to an administrative officer at Starfleet Academy. This meeting caused the officer and Spock to decided to place Nyota on the Farragut... a fact that Nyota did not learn of until after being bonded to Spock. By that time, Nyota considered Christine her friend, and tried not to resent her for the action. She succeeded well enough.

Then came other instances, like the way that Christine seemed to be trying to console Spock after Nyota's miscarriages. Of course, Spock brushed her off, without ever even realizing that there was anything suspicious about her behavior. He had been more concerned with his wife's condition, and Christine's excuse for her actions was just that.

Then there was a time when an infection, picked up in space, lowered the Enterprise crew's emotional inhibitions, and Christine told Spock that she loved him. Nyota even let that one slide, because it was already known, and Chapel had only confessed it because of the infection. Christine had been so ashamed that she had told Nyota that she was sorry, while the infection was still in her system. The infection had made Nyota react in anger, but she later apologized, and the two of them got past that episode, as well.

But now... there was no getting over it. Nyota had pretty much accepted the fact that she was through with Christine, through with understanding, through with forgiveness. Christine could rot, for all that she cared, and the only reason that she would even acknowledge Christine, was because she would have to. That was her mind frame when she left Mara's office, and that was her mind frame when she returned to the office for the first of their sessions.

_**The Sessions**_

_**Session 1**_

Mara looked at the two women and said, "Let's discuss your history as friends. Christine, tell me the story of your past with Uhura, from your point of view."

Christine cleared her throat and said in a small voice, "When I first met her, she was sick. I was trying to be a good nurse and make her feel comfortable, so when she asked me to call Mr. Spock down to sick bay, even though it was Midnight, and inappropriate, I called him. I wanted her to be comfortable..."

"Or you wanted to see Spock, yourself and I gave you the perfect excuse to do so," Nyota speculated.

"It is not your turn to speak, Nyota," Mara said sternly.

Nyota replied with a grin, "Just making sure we place all possibilities before us."

Christine continued to talk, "Well, we had a mutual friend. She was familiar with my best friend, Janice Rand. Janice let me know that she did not think that Uhura liked me very much, which was beyond me, because I liked her a great deal. I thought that we would make great friends. Then, Spock and I had a date." Nyota scoffed and laughed at the same time, but Christine kept going, "And Uhura interrupted it to get a dress out of Mr. Spock's closet. It was extremely awkward and I did not know if something unethical was occurring, so I reported it to the administrator responsible for monitoring this. It is still seen as a sign of hate today, but I honestly was concerned about the ethical nature of Starfleet Academy staff and students. After Vulcan was destroyed, I realized that Mr, Spock and Lt. Uhura were together and I did not do anything to endanger that, at all. They were both officers and the Captain knew of their relationship and had not tried to change it, therefore I did not complain and even though I still cared for him, I did not compete. Only after our attack did I ever even think to do such a thing. I never would have tried, before. I made a huge mistake. I made several, but the mistakes that I have made since that attack have affected me more than anyone else."

Nyota stared at Christine, head on, but with no visible emotion. Christine avoided looking at the woman, and eventually, both of them were looking at Mara. Mara asked Nyota, "And Miss Uhura, what do you have to say about not liking Christine before she ever made an attempt on your husband's affections?"

"It isn't true. I did like Christine. I even told Christine that if she really wanted Spock to go for it. She chickened out. Spock and I had broken up, I had been sick, and some other things happened that deterred me from getting all of my possessions from his quarters. When I went over there to get my dress, I apologized for interrupting their date, and I did not make any attempt to quarrel with Christine. Christine, however, in a bout of jealousy tried to get us in trouble with Starfleet administration, not realizing that the officer she reported us to had a little history of her own with us, and she did what she could without throwing any books at us. Am I to honestly believe that Christine was genuinely concerned about an institution that she only joined for the chance to try to find a lost lover? She was willing to possibly destroy the careers of the only Vulcan in Starfleet and a student at the top of her class in her department over an interrupted date. Also, according to Spock, that was not even a date." Nyota knew that she probably sounded immature, but these things needed to be addressed, did they not? Wasn't that why they were here?

Mara said, "So, do either of you feel that you were _ever _friends?"

Now, both of the women simply looked at each other.

"I did," Nyota said. "For a while there, I actually did. Christine saw Spock and I through two miscarriages and two births. She helped to throw both of my baby showers. She has helped Janice to babysit my children. The one time that Sytar got sick, Nurse Chapel spent hours entertaining him in sick bay, because she knew that he was restless. Then, we went through a devastating event together. I studied about this subject. There are times when people feel that they have a common link, a bond that can never be broken because they endure something together. It happened with some holocaust victims in Earth's history and several other things, but that one stuck out to me. Because it was quite a number of people, and they felt that they had a terrible, but real connection to each other. In our case, it may not have been as bad as that time period, but it was bad enough for us, and instead of millions, there were only five of us controlled by the Platonians, and only the two of us attacked in the way that she and I were... Can you imagine how connected I thought that we were after that, Samara?"

Nyota felt tears well in her eyes, as she continued, "I mean, I did not have to explain to her how badly I felt. She could just know without me saying a word. I could look at her situation, when she was losing it, and I could empathize when others were judging her. I even made sure that she got home safely after she drew a lot of unnecessary attention to us by taking my hands and sliding them up her skirt at a party, drunk. When I wasn't reaching out to anyone else, I made it my business to stop by and see her, or contact her in her room to check on her, just to do it! I did think that she was my friend. I thought that I was hers, but now we know better, don't we, Christine?"

Christine simply stared back at Nyota. She was speechless. In all of the time that she had known Nyota, yes, the things that she said were true, but Christine had never thought that Nyota considered her actions as a sign of friendship. Christine had always believed that Nyota credited her niceness towards her and her family to duty or at the least, faking. Now that she realized that one of her role models had actually considered her a friend, she was even sadder about her mistake. Christine finally said, "I never knew that we were friends. I wanted to be her friend, but I always thought that she would not allow me to get that close to her." She turned her eyes to the floor.

_**Session 2**_

Mara wanted to discuss the responses that the women gave to their questions, prior to their sessions being conducted. She asked them how hearing the other's answers made them feel. Nyota had not felt much. She admitted that Christine had said precisely what she thought that she might say. Christine proved Nyota right again, by responding exactly how Nyota thought she would respond to hearing the answers, too. Christine said, "I was hurt, but not angry. If I am angry with anyone, it is myself. I'm so thankful that I have those flowers in my room, otherwise, I may never smile. Hopefully one day, Miss Uhura will prove herself wrong and she can grow to forgive me, but if that day does not come, I understand."

Christine stared at Nyota for a short moment, then added, "But I was surprised in her disgust with me. She spoke as though I am the lowest form of scum for what I did to her. I think that she has had some disgusting behavior, as well. The way that she treated Mr. Spock, for example..."

"Don't you dare talk about how I treat my husband," Nyota warned.

"This is the time to get our thoughts and feelings out. I think that how you treated Mr. Spock was worse than what I did to you. He is your husband. You are supposed to love and cherish him through the worse of times, and you let him down and made him lonely and confused while he was already in as much pain as you were, if not more..." Christine said.

"I know that!" Nyota snapped. "I know it, and it is something that he and I are working on, because it is worth the work. You are not worth these few measly hours out of my life, Christine. And whatever your opinion of how I treated Spock, he is still with me. When I betray you, then I might think about your opinions."

Christine looked at Dr. Mara and said, "All I meant was that I was taken aback by the fact that she could hate me for what I did to her and not hate herself for what she did to him."

Nyota did not respond. The fact was that she _did _hate herself for what she did to Spock. She thought about it all of the time, but that was not Christine's business, and Nyota had nothing else to say on that, or on anything else, for the rest of the session.

_**Session 3, The Beginning**_

Nyota noticed that she and Christine's chairs were closer together than they had been during the first two sessions. She could only guess that this one would give her a greater headache than the last had. She was thankful for the fact that this was the last one. As soon as she got this out of the way, she could focus more of her attention on things that actually mattered to her.

Dr. Mara smiled at her and hugged her when she entered the door. "I am so glad that you decided to follow through with this particular session. This session is the most important of the three."

"I guess that's why this session is three hours long?" Nyota asked. Mara simply smiled and placed a hand out towards the table. Nyota looked at a tray full of treats, a tea kettle, with cups, and back at Mara. "Are we having a tea party?"

"Yes, we are," Mara said. "Please be seated."

Christine entered the room with puffy red eyes, as though she had been crying. She sat down and said, "Can we start, now, please?"

"What's wrong?" Nyota reflexively asked.

"Can we please just begin?" Christine asked, almost frantically.

Now, Mara rushed to her and held her hands as she asked, "Seriously, Christine, what is wrong?"

"Someone got into my quarters. They ripped my flowers up, my happiness flowers, and they painted obscenities all over my room and on my door, to call me names and I really just want to get this started so at least I can be done with this," Christine answered. She added, "As though it isn't bad enough that I overheard Janice and one of the other nurses talking about me at work today: Nurse – Here comes Chapel, keep an eye on your husband. Janice – My husband may prefer blonds, but he has no time for bimbos."

Nyota actually felt bad for her, and offered, "Mara, maybe I should leave and we should reschedule this last session for a time when Christine is not feeling so badly."

"Honestly, we can do it today. I am not going to feel any better on next week. I really just want to get this over so that I don't have to deal with you anymore," Christine said. "I really tried to show that I was sorry and that I know that I made a mistake, and I guess my best just wasn't good enough."

Nyota tilted her head and asked, "Are you accusing me of vandalizing your quarters? Because that's ridiculous, and that's not how I attack. I have shown you how I attack – face to face, not behind your back. That's your field, Chris – behind people's backs. I have found that a punch in the back doesn't hurt as much as a punch in the face. The rule probably applies to stabs too, maybe next time you should try my method."

Christine sat still for an extended period of time, then looked at Nyota and said, "I don't know if you know this, but you can not return to work until after this last session is over. I am trying to make it complete, now. It is now or never, Nyota. I do not mind holding you back, if that is what you really want. Can we start this thing, Dr. Mara?"

Mara said, "We certainly can, if both of you ladies agree that you wish to continue on and complete the session?" They both looked at each other, then nodded. Mara went on to say, "Today's session is a particularly important one. This is the session that I intended to have the two of you finally address what happened to you at the hands of the Platonians. Neither of you have spoken to each other about it, and both of you need to."

"I don't know if I will be able to..." Nyota offered.

Mara gave her a smile and said, "I figured that neither of you would be able to do so, so this is what I propose. Neither of you have to, but if you wish, you can have tea. This is no ordinary tea. This tea contains truth serum. It is a special blend of tea given to me as a gift by one of my former patients. If you would like to have the tea and talk, you have some. If you do not, we can talk, and I hope that you will try to tell the truth."

Nyota pushed a teacup towards Mara and said, "I will do it if she will."

Christine sighed and pushed her teacup towards Mara, as well. She said, "Why not? Maybe if she can see that I have been telling the truth all along, she will stop being so hateful to me." This comment caused Nyota to chuckle, slightly. Christine had no idea how much mercy that Nyota had on her. If she wanted to see her to be hateful, Nyota knew that she still had some punch left in her and she wanted to use as many of them as she could muster on the woman, but... growth and moving on were a must.

Mara poured the tea into their cups and said, "Now, ladies, if you will drink, I will wait a few moments until the serum has settled in, and I will have you both talk about that day, and about _today._"

Nyota forced a smile, lifted her teacup to Christine and said, "Cheers."

Christine nodded her head once and clanked her cup against Nyota's. Then, they both drank.


	12. The Whole Truth, and Nothing But The Tru

**The Whole Truth, and Nothing But The Truth**

Mara looked at her watch again, then offered, "Have a cookie, or a brownie." Nyota stared at the platter of treats, about to ask Mara if _she _had made them when Christine took her up on her offer, selecting a brownie and took a bite. Her face revealed utter displeasure for the treat. Nyota looked at her with a lifted eyebrow that would put Spock's to shame.

"What's wrong with the brownie, Christine?" She asked. Just as she had suspected, Mara _had _made those brownies.

"It tastes like rubber and mud," Christine answered, then covered her mouth with a hand. She reached for a disposable cloth to empty her mouth as Nyota laughed at her plight. Christine washed out the taste of the brownie with more tea.

Dr. Mara announced, "It would appear that the serum has taken affect."

"Oh, damn," Nyota said, under her breath. Now came the "fun" part.

Mara said, "I have heard the two of you mention things about the day of which we have gathered to speak on. Of course, I am referring to the day that both of you were raped by mind control. Now, I want to spotlight you, first, Nyota, because Christine actually tried a brownie. That was the equivalent of me flipping a coin. Nyota, tell Christine how you feel about her."

Nyota opened her mouth to answer, then shut it. One thing about truth serum was it could worked when she was speaking. She opened her mouth again to say, "I meant everything that I said about Christine, previously. If you think you might catch me in a lie, you are wrong, Mara."

Mara asked, "Do you approve of my relationship ship with Toimu?"

"I don't approve of _anyone's _relationship with Toimu," Nyota answered, before she could stop herself. Mara smiled at her. Apparently, Mara had already known the truth about this particular matter. Nyota added, "The thing about that is that Toimu does not function as well when he's in a real relationship. He does more for himself when he's solo. Relationships get in his way. As a matter of fact, why am I being asked about that? This isn't right."

"I was just proving a point to you, that the serum works," Mara said, plainly.

"I wish _you _would have some serum," Nyota said.

Mara quickly answered, "The fact that there are patients under my care who depend on me for confidentiality hinders me from ingesting anything that could be used to break that confidentiality. Let's focus on what we have gathered here to do. We have gathered to speak about your relationship with Christine, as it relates to that day."

"She kept laughing," Nyota said in a low voice. Christine looked up at her with a start and Nyota looked back at her and said, "But, she's probably going to say that it wasn't her fault."

"It wasn't! I was crying and the Platonians were making me laugh!" Christine said. "You know how it felt to have them inside of our minds. it was like we were sleepwalking, unable to awaken ourselves, but being totally aware of where we were and what was taking place. Perhaps we both changed for the worse after that day, but at least I am trying to get past it." Christine absently picked up a cookie and bit it, then she spat it into a disposable cloth. "What is the problem with these baked items?"

"Mara baked them," Nyota answered.

Mara sighed and said, "I never quite learned my way around the kitchen, I'm afraid. Christine, what can you tell me about that day?"

"I couldn't believe it. I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to kill all of them. I felt really bad about what was happening, but it was overshadowed by how badly I felt for Lt. Uhura and Mr. Spock. It is no secret to anybody that I have watched Mr. Spock for a long time, but I had never seen him that way. He was treating her so brutally, and I just knew that her heart must have been breaking to have it happen... I also knew that _his _heart must have been breaking, and that broke my heart. There were a lot of people on the ship that I considered my friends, at the time. There were a lot of people on the ship that I knew weren't technically my friends, but I had a great level of respect for, then there were people on the ship that I respected so much that I looked up to them and always tried to please them. Oddly enough, all of the people who fit that category were all in that room with me. Captain Kirk, Dr. McCoy, Mr. Spock, and Lt. Uhura. For years, these four people have been sources of inspiration for me, and out of all of them, the one that I respected the most was Lt. Uhura. I hated seeing her hurt. I hate the fact that she was ever hurt that way."

Mara looked at Nyota, whose eyes were teased by tears. Mara's face was as blank as a Vulcan's. She decided that for right now, the best thing to do was probably just sit there and let them talk their situation out. She would only intervene if needed.

Nyota replied, "Well, I told you how I felt about you. I considered you to be a friend. I even empathized with your feelings for Spock, because I told myself that if Spock was with someone else, I would probably still love him too. I even went so far as to think, what if Spock and I hadn't gotten back together after he returned to the Enterprise and he and Chapel did get together? How would I react? Would it be easy for _me _to shut off my feelings? And I knew that it would not be, so I empathized. I even empathized when everyone was against you. Our problem is not about what happened that day or what we thought about each other _that _day. Our problem is the fact that you willingly tried, while in your right mind to premeditate claiming my husband for yourself."

"Whether I was in my right mind is debatable. I had went and gotten myself re-raped. I don't think that I was in my right mind for weeks. I can't say that I am in my right mind, _now. _Captain Kirk had the men who Dr. Mara insisted upon reporting transferred to other ships and placed "questionable activity" flags in their records, but beyond that, I left the situation alone."

"Why did you leave the situation alone, Christine?" Nyota asked, feeling concerned.

"Because I did not feel that I was worth the fuss that it would have made to accuse them of rape. All five of them would have gladly told how I propositioned them to come to my room and at least thirty five other men on this ship could have come forward to testify that I have directed them to come into my room and rape me, and leave without saying anything else to me. Who in their right mind would convict someone of raping a woman who lost count of the men she had rape her after thirty five."

"If it's consensual, it isn't rape!" Nyota fussed, "If someone stepped outside of the boundaries of what you consented to, then it does become rape."

"I know, but no one will see it that way. They will say, that's the ship's trash and everyone knows it. These guys never raped anyone else, or even showed signs of ever trying to or wanting to..."

"But now that they have, they ARE rapists! And you just, you just let them not only get away with it, but you gave them the chance to do it again! Nobody can speak out against them, but you! How can you allow the possibility of something like what happened to you happen to another woman on another ship?"

"I am hoping that on all of those men's parts that I was an isolated incident, that this was the way of showing me that I needed to change my life..."

"You're a fucking coward!" Nyota hissed.

"Language," Mara said.

Nyota continued, "You were hoping that you did not have to go through a trial in which there were thirty five men telling a court that you wanted them to slap you around, so you let five men who you didn't want slapping you around know that if ever they want to go force somebody that she might be too afraid to bring it to light!"

"What do you want from me?" Christine asked.

"I want justice!" Nyota said.

"It is _my _justice to want, and I don't want it. I just want to move on."

"I want justice for anybody who is ever forced to do such a thing against their will. I don't care if it's you or a Klingon woman. I don't care if it was a Platonian woman. No one should be allowed to get away with that!"

"I have already heard this argument from Captain Kirk, Lt. Uhura. Dr. Mara has shared some of the same ideas, as well. And knowing this information, already, I made my decision. Couldn't you agree that right afterwards, no matter what anyone says, you just want to get over it?" Tears were glistening crystals in both women's eyes.

Now, Mara stepped in and said, "There are individuals who derive sexual or other pleasure either from the act of rape or fantasies of raping. Generally, the term _Biastophilia_ is used to describe the deriving of pleasure from any form of coercion or brutality during sex or specifically from the act of raping. Sadism and sexual sadism are also terms used to describe the enjoyment of inflicting sexual or other (physical or emotional) pain on another. Christine, your situation involves a look at that from the other way around. You... want to receive what a person with biastophilia wishes to offer..."

"Not anymore, I don't," Christine said with a shudder.

Mara continued, "Well, you did, and during that time, you sought out individuals who were willing to try what you wanted. You sought out men who were willing to hurt you and be brutal towards you while they had sex with you. This is the problem... to want to hurt someone is a component of an illness. To want to be hurt by someone is a component of an illness."

"I don't want to be hurt, I want to be forgiven." Christine said sadly.

"That means that you are healing," Mara said. "But, what is it that you want to be forgiven for?"

Christine answered, "I want to be forgiven for what I did to Lt. Uhura. I want to be forgiven for bringing these men into these awkward situations with me, and for rejecting the ones that did not want to hurt me. And I want to be forgiven for allowing the others to leave unscathed. I don't want another woman on another ship to get raped." She slid from her chair and crawled over to Lt. Uhura and laid her head on her lap, "I'm sorry. Please don't push me away anymore." She began crying, uncontrollably. "Please... I know how you felt, now. You are the only person here who can understand me. Please, don't push me away."

Mara and Nyota looked at each other. Nyota wanted to kick Christine away from her legs, but that was not in her nature. Christine was truly sorry, and truly in need of help and of security, and of love. Nyota stroked Christine's hair and said, "Shh. Don't cry, Chris. It's alright. I am not going to push you away. It's okay, Baby."

Christine sat up on her knees and rested her hand on Nyota's shoulder. "I didn't know that you thought I was your friend. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry," she sobbed. Nyota held her tightly and rubbed her back.

Nyota, by nature was extremely nurturing, which she in fact shared with Christine. Christine was one of the most nurturing people that Nyota knew, and the fact that she needed nurturing and there was no one willing to provide it actually broke Nyota's heart. So much for never getting over things. Perhaps there was a part of her that would not. A part of her that this issue would nag at forever, like the rape, itself. But, the fact of the matter was, Christine needed a friend, and Nyota was not the type of person to leave a person alone when they needed a friend. She may not have done the same thing that Christine had done, regarding Spock, if their roles were switched, but she knew that Christine definitely would not have went so long holding hatred for her, if by some crazy twist of fate, she had.

"Christine?" Mara called out to her softly.

"No. I just want to sit here. This is the best place that I have been in, in a long time... in the arms of a friend..." Christine said with a shaky voice. Nyota noticed that the woman truly made no attempt to move away from the embrace. "Uhura?" She called.

"Yes, Christine."

"Can I tell you something?" Christine asked.

"Yes, you can," Nyota said, gently.

"I destroyed my own room," she whispered. Now, Nyota looked at Mara, who simply tilted her head. Chapel went on to say, "I was lying about someone getting into the room. I did it myself. I have been hating myself so much, every since we came back, and I just had to direct it somewhere when I made you hate me too."

"Tell you what, Chris. How about when we leave here, we go visit the supplies storage and we get some things to clean up and redecorate your quarters?"

"That will be nice," Christine said. She seemed to be no longer crying, but she did not let go of Nyota. Nyota looked at Mara and simply continued to stroke Christine's hair. Christine then said, "Uhura, I don't think we have to talk about what happened that day. I think that we just have to focus on our futures, and try to let that day die away from what we will become. If we focus too much on the problems, we will lose sight of the solutions."

"Those are very wise words, Christine," Nyota said.

Christine laughed lightly and finally let go of her as she said, "You told me that when I told you about my fiancé that disappeared several years ago. I have never forgotten it, although, I must admit, that it has become difficult to put into practice."

Nyota placed both of her hands on Christine's shoulders and said, "Yes, it is extremely difficult to put into practice."

Christine returned to her own seat and said, "If we ever do this tea party thing again, have Janice bake the cookies." Nyota laughed at the suggestion, because she knew that it was a sincere suggestion, on Christine's part.

Mara nodded her head, then looked at Nyota, "Nyota, what do _you _want?"

"I want to be able to feel like I am one with my husband again. Sometimes it feels like I am loving him from afar, or loving him through a glass wall. I am having so much trouble just loving him face to face without any barriers, without any restrictions."

"Have the two of you been melding, like I suggested?" Mara asked.

"I don't want to discuss that in front of Christine," Nyota said.

"Okay. Just let me say this, you and Spock will need to meld to get closer to that feeling of oneness. You will need to meld and _you _will need to allow him to see your feelings about what happened that day. I think it was important for you to see Christine's true feelings on the issue of what has happened between you, because you have used Christine in a vicious manner."

"She has?" -

"I have?" - both women questioned, practically in one voice.

Mara nodded her head and said, "Yes. You admitted to me that since you did not have the Platonians to blame, you began to take your feelings out on Spock, because he was involved. I explained to you that Spock was a victim, and as his wife, he needed you to connect with him and help him, instead of blaming him. However, you found that it was difficult not to blame him for your pain, so you withdrew from him and punished both of you for what had been done unto you. Then steps in Christine – tragically confused and horribly damaged from the attack, herself and she offers you a perfect situation in becoming the perfect patsy. You simply took the anger and hatred that you had been directing at Spock, and rerouted it to Christine. Sure, there was a level of healthy anger that you had about the situation, but the real reason that you were so angry with Christine was not because you felt threatened by her attempts at your husband, or because you felt betrayed by her attempts. the real reason that you were as mad as you were at Christine was because you had to be mad at someone, and Christine opened the door."

Nyota shook her head and said, "No, I was mad at Christine because she betrayed me, but I have to admit that the main reason that I was really upset was the fact that another woman could reach out to my husband, and I could not. If it hadn't been for that fact, I would have forgiven Christine, considering the circumstances. She was right about what she said. If I was so disgusted with her behavior after our attack, I should have been just as disgusted with my own, and I was. I am. But we need to make it right. I am the best Communications officer in Starfleet. How does the fact that I can't communicate with the person most important to me look?" The question was rhetorical. Nyota sighed and said, "I look like a damned fool. What have I worked for? To let somebody, something come between me and Spock? Spock has become my everything. If I had to give up Starfleet for Spock, I would do it, and here I am – can barely touch him, hardly kiss him, never make love to him. The worse part is that I can't love him the way that I want to. I have not been able to love him the way that he needs me to, and that drives me crazy."

Dr. Mara clasped her hands together and said to Nyota, "Nyota, one thing about that situation is the fact that no one can solve it for you, but you."

"There is God, right?" Christine asked.

"I don't want to talk about that," Nyota said.

Mara asked, "Why do you not want to talk about God, Nyota?"

"Okay, Mara, that sounds like a question that would cause me to talk about it, which I just said that I did not want to do. I thought this session was about me and Christine sorting out our issues and making up. We did that. Why can't we just leave and go work on decorating and cleaning up Chris's quarters, and _that _can count as the rest of the session. I'm sure that we will be working for at least two more hours."

"That is a good idea, Nyota. The two of you can go. I expect to see you both in your separate sessions next week. Nyota, could you wait outside for Christine, a few moments?"

Nyota picked up her tea and said, "I sure can. I'm taking this with me." Mara did not question her about the tea. Nyota went to stand outside. Mara looked at Christine and asked, "Why did you destroy your quarters?"

"Because I was mad at myself, and because she hates me."

"Or at least you thought she did," Mara said. "I think that some part of you wanted her to feel sorry for you, so that she could forgive you."

"Forgiveness is forgiveness, Doctor. I will take it however it comes. I don't want to keep Lt, Uhura waiting. We do have a date," Christine said.

Mara said, "We will discuss this next time."

Christine reached for a cookie, but placed it back down and said, "I keep forgetting about your wretched baking. I will see you next week." Christine left the room and met Nyota outside of the door.

Nyota locked her arm into Christine's arm and they began walking down the hallway together. Nyota felt strange about forgiving Christine, but the session had made it practically necessary. Plus, Christine did not just need A friend, she needed respect. She needed dignity. If _Nyota _could forgive Christine and treat her with respect, she just hoped that the others on the ship could do the same.

It took them about an hour of working before Chekov passed by the room and saw them cleaning it up. He peeked in and asked, "What is going on?"

"We are cleaning up Nurse Chapel's vandalized quarters. You look like you're in the mood to help, Pavel," Nyota said. Pavel shrugged his shoulders, confused about Nyota's presence there, but he picked up the heavy duty suction machine and began to suction the mess that Christine had swept into the corner.

Soon after, Janice passed by, and Nyota invited her in as well. Christine tensed up when her former friend walked into the room and asked for something to help scrub the lipstick off of the wall. "Tramp" was the word that she began to scrub off when she had a soaping brush.

Christine relaxed a bit when Nyota began to sing as she worked. Hawkins and Scotty were passing by and stopped in, as well. Christine began to feel extremely comfortable as more of the friends that she thought that she had lost filed into the room to help her and Nyota fix it up. Janice even said, "I can't believe that there are actually Starfleet personnel that would be so hateful as to do this to you, Chris."

Christine shrugged and said, "Maybe they were desperate."

"This is crossing the line!" Scotty snapped, "Nurse Chapel, if I ever find out who was responsible for this, they'll regret it, I can assure you."

"There is no need for all of that, Mr. Scott. Surely, we as a civilized people need to know the merits of forgiveness, and allow our hearts to adopt them," Christine said.

When the room was completely clean and all of the obscenities were gone and the walls were repainted, Christine announced, "I want to thank everybody who stopped in to help. It was nice of you all."

Then, Kirk and Spock stopped by the room. Kirk peeked in and said, "What is this? A party on my ship and no one invited the first officer and I?"

Nyota walked over to them with folded arms and said, "And the two of you missed all of the fun, too."

Kirk looked around the room at the condition of everyone and asked, "No, really, what is going on here?"

Christine spoke up, "Lt. Uhura came over to help me clean up and petitioned other crew members to do so, too. She really is an extraordinary woman."

"Indeed, she is." Spock said.

Nyota looked at herself and said, "I am full of dirt and filth and paint. I need to wash up before dinner. See you tomorrow, Christine," she called out, taking Spock's hand. The other people who were there seemed to follow Nyota out of the door, and Christine, for one was not particularly bothered whether or not they had only come to help her because Nyota was there. She was just delighted for the merits of forgiveness and for adoption of them.

Nyota stood in the shower listening to music, and allowing her skin to absorb as much of the fragrance oils that poured from the dial with the water and the soap. She spent more time than usual in the shower, Spock noted. Sometimes, she did this when she had something on her mind. He wondered what had occurred during her last session with Nurse Chapel. He wondered what Mara could have thought of to cause Nyota not only to forgive the woman, but to help her, as well.

When Nyota emerged from the lavatory with her wet hair tied up into a wavy ponytail and a pair of green boy shorts with a matching spaghetti strap top, Spock froze. She smiled, awkwardly and and said, "I'm really sorry, but I haven't washed any clothes and this is all that I have to wear to bed. I know how much you like this outfit..."

"I shall not be enticed by your appearance, Nyota," he said.

Green was his favorite color to see her in. There was something about that color against her skin that previously had aroused him into desiring her with frightening burning passion. On tonight, the effect was not settling in, although he found her beautiful. Actually, Spock had not found himself sexually aroused since the situation with the Platonians, and to be honest, thinking of wanting to touch Nyota passionately made him feel uncomfortable. He had no idea how he would bring up the issue of Pon Farr by the time it was estimated to come about. Nyota asked, "Have the children eaten?"

"Styik brought them to the dining hall. Sytar complained that you were taking too long and that you could eat by yourself."

"So much for support systems," Nyota said.

"Can I bring you anything to consume?" Spock said.

"Are you eating anything?" She asked.

"No, I am not," he replied.

"Why? What's wrong?" She asked. He did not answer. She smiled, looking at him gently and said, "You know what? Whatever it is, we'll get through it." She climbed unto his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Indeed, we shall," Spock said, with newfound confidence. Nyota would be back on the bridge soon, and her life would be returning to some type of normalcy. Perhaps, she would be completely well by the time he needed her.

She laid her head on his shoulder and told him, "Don't worry. Whatever it is... I am here."

Spock sat there, silently, at the table with Nyota curled up on his lap. After a while, he asked, "What plans do you have on tomorrow with Nurse Chapel?"

"Oh," Nyota sat up and said, "She has some charges to press against some Starfleet personnel for an act of violence against her. I am going to be a support system."

"What happened?" Spock asked.

"You know what happened... the night that you melded with her." Nyota did not really want to speak about the subject of rape with Spock. It was a bit of an unstable subject between them.

Spock said, "It was my understanding that the Captain attempted to convince Nurse Chapel to bring up these charges when the issue was fresh. At this time, it would be far more difficult to prove."

"Maybe so, but if Christine doesn't come forward, someone else could get hurt. Even if they never prove it, at least there may be women on those guys' ships who may think twice before sneaking into their quarters after a shift. And, _I _am not the Captain, thank you very much. Christine will be able to do what she needs to do with me in her corner."

"It is very admirable of you to help her," Spock said.

"Justice has to be served for things like this, and sometimes, the victim shirks away from their own search for justice. I am going to be there to make sure that Christine does not get to do that, and Captain Kirk will be more than happy to assist me, not to mention Dr. Mara and you. She has to at least try to do something about it, instead of letting it be a millstone about her neck." She rubbed her nose against Spock's cheek and asked, "Is that invitation to retrieve food for me still open?"

"Of course, if I am able, I always endeavor to do as you wish of me," Spock said.

"Good, because I am so hungry, I can eat a horse," Nyota said. Spock's eyebrow shot up and she said, "You have never heard that one before?"

"I have actually read about it in the "Horse" section of the ship computer's human expressions listings. It was listed among "I am going to see a man about a horse" and "Hold your horses", neither of which seemed to fit the occasion that they were coined for, like most of the expressions which humans use."

She could not do anything but laugh. Spock loved when she laughed. Sometimes, he thought of himself as he did Sytar. When Nyota would laugh, Spock did not always understand the humor, but sometimes, actually felt compelled to laugh. He did not laugh, though. He merely remained seated, enjoying the sound of her laughter.


	13. Forgiven and Restored

**Forgiven And Restored**

Nyota awoke from her sleep with a start. She had been having a nightmare, although she could not remember what it was. She knew that she could take a guess, but she did not really wish to think about it. Her head felt heavy, and she was slightly confused as to why upon awaking. She soon discovered that Spock's hand held tightly to her head, and although she could not see what was going through his mind, from him, she felt fear. She tried to remove the hand, but he had a firm grip on her. "Spock!" She called his name, quite frantically, as his fear was beginning to overwhelm her.

At the moment that he jumped up from his sleep, she became so flooded with terror that she nearly screamed. Realizing the situation she was in, he removed his hand and her fear began to fade away. She sat up and threw her arms around him, pulled his head to her neck and asked softly, "Spock, Sweetie, are you alright?"

He squeezed her tightly and cradled himself against her as he whispered, "Nyota, you are safe." His tone had relief in it, and she wondered if he had honestly thought that she was in some type of danger. He was probably thinking about what had already happened to her, something that they did not normally address. She tried to lean away from him a bit to look at him, but he would not loosen his grip on her. "Nyota," he repeated and pressed his face into her hair.

"Spock," she stated, then pushed herself away from him to look at his face. He allowed her to move this time, but his hold was still strong, still protective, still seemingly afraid of letting go of her. Now, seeing him this way, she had to know how he was feeling. She had to know what he was seeing. "Share it with me."

"No." He replied as he finally released her from the immobilizing comforts of his embrace. "Nyota, you must not be exposed to this. You have been doing quite well, especially tonight, and I do not wish to reverse or damage your treatment."

"I'm feeling brave tonight. You show me yours and I'll show you mine," she joked. His expression did not lighten up. She cupped one of his cheeks and said, "Come on, Love. Mara says we have to do it eventually."

That was true. The psychiatrist who specialized in cases like theirs (well, perhaps not like theirs, as this must have been one of the rarest attacks in their time), but _rape _cases... just thinking the word bothered him; the doctor had practically ordered that that they do this eventually. He worried about Nyota's welfare and about further damaging her frame of mind with a meld in her unstable human condition, but she had been quite mentally capable in the past, and being bonded to him practically inhibited all possibilities of any type of danger through this exchange, even considering the turmoil and the trauma. But, there was no way that he would ever be able to talk himself into this a second time. This needed to be completed tonight, if ever. "Nyota, if I will agree to this meld on tonight, you must give me your word to bear all to me. I do not believe that I can try this a second time, should it become too much for us. Please, do not hold back. I must know what you felt when I hurt you. I must know what you feel for me, now." His voice was disturbingly low, but more even than it had been when he first awoke.

"I promise," Nyota said and pushed her forehead towards him.

A part of her did not want to do this, but Spock having nightmares bothered her entirely too much. Now, she believed that there was no other way to deal with his condition. He pressed his forehead to hers, and she took a deep breath as his hands went into position on her face. He took a deep breath too and proceeded in joining together their already bonded minds, in a way that they were not separate, but one.

As their minds became one, she fell into some type of a trans. Her thoughts and feelings on that day returned to her potently. Sharing it was reliving it and reliving it was just as painful as having lived it, if not more.

Through this meld, he knew exactly how she felt when he forcefully entered her body. At that moment, her confidence was still in tact, her faith was strong, as was her will. Spock found himself shocked and proud of how strong she had been at that time. He knew that he had already been terrified for her sake. But, she was not bothered, yet. She was uncomfortable about what the Platonians were forcing Spock to do to her, but she knew that he loved her, that she could make it past this and that after she did, things would be fine...

_Through this meld, she knew the utter desperation that descended upon Spock for not being able to stop the siege on his mind. He quickly became frightened as he could hear the Platonians' suggestions of what was to be done to his beloved wife and mate, and the thought of creatures of their immense powers of control using his strength against her shattered all of his calm._

Through this meld, he then learned the depth of the pain in her heart when he shattered her wrist. She knew that it was an accident, that he had no control, but still felt betrayed and was confused about why she would feel betrayed when she knew that it was not his fault. Her confidence was wavering and her dignity was plummeting. She began to think to herself that it would end soon – it _must _end soon. She began to pray silently to her God. The Platonians probably realized, or maybe they did not, either way, she prayed, trying desperately to hold on to her faith in Him and in Spock's love for her. That faith was hanging by a thread.

_Through this meld, she learned the determination he drew emotional strength from as he struggled to fight against the mind control, to no avail. He was determined to make their minds one, if only for a moment, just to reassure her. His attempts were thwarted by his mental adversary. His most forceful tries at stopping himself from doing anymore harm to her were totally pointless. He felt obsolete. He felt useless, worthless... then he heard her pelvis crack. He felt sharp pains in his heart, in his mind, too. He wanted to mentally make his bodily functions shut down, forever. His brain began to try to do so, and the Platonians did not seem to be trying to stop this. They seemed as though they would allow him to perform a mentally produced suicide, but then he saw Nyota choking... he panicked. If he succeeded in destroying himself now, there would be no chance for her. This death would be a painful one. She needed to be turned over._

Fear had rushed into her heart and mind, interrupted her prayers and Spock's suicidal pursuit. She could no longer breath, and she truly believed that within moments, she would die at the hands of the one who loved her, the one who she loved above all else! Why would you allow this to happen? Presently, Spock startled at her question. Had she been asking him that question? Surely, she realized that he would never allow such a thing to happen. He felt confusion and bitterness from her. Why has God allowed this to happen? Spock felt slightly relieved, on his own, upon realizing that she had not been referring to him.

_Through the meld, Nyota found the piercing torture of Spock's sorrow and guilt as he cried and she discovered self hate, the likes of which she never knew could ever exist. He felt that he had failed her. Nyota had not even know that Vulcans could mentally force their bodies to shut down and die, but the thought of Spock not only considering this, but trying to do it that day crushed her heart._

Through the meld, Spock found that she had not blamed him; she blamed God. Why has He forsaken me? She wondered, and for the first time that she could remember in all of her existence, she felt a cold feeling that she had never known, to her knowledge – faithlessness. Then, she fell unconscious.

Nyota pulled her head back from Spock's, crying hard, shook her head and said, "No more, please?" Spock cupped her face and nodded his head. Her eyes could not look upon him while she felt this way. Instead, she turned her eyes to the ceiling, although Spock was still holding her face. "He didn't help me. I begged Him to help me, and He did not do it." The first thought that entered Spock mind was that He could not help because He did not exist, but he knew that may not be the best thing to say at this point.

Nyota had lost more than he ever could have imagined that day, and now he knew just how deeply her loss had hurt her. Despite his disbelief, he did believe that Nyota needed her faith. Her faith had made her whole. He opened his mouth and said, "You once told me that He works in ways that are often unclear to others, but which ultimately are always in favor of those whom He loves."

"Clearly, it has been proven that I am not always right," Nyota said.

Spock took both of her hands into his and said, "Nyota, I have read and memorized your Bible, when trying to understand why a being as logical as yourself ever chose to believe in such teachings, and in my learning, I concluded that you chose to follow the belief of your God because your mind allows you to imagine things, to see things that are not, as though they are. You can envision impossibilities as tangible. You are a person who needs to operate within your faith just as greatly as I need to operate within logic."

Nyota was confused, now. Spock did not believe in God, and the subject had become forbidden between them because his arguments had always upset her, and now he seemed to be trying to convince her to believe in something that he not only did not believe in, but had so eloquently pointed out all the flaws of her beliefs previously. She simply said, "Well, since we have been together, you haven't _always _operated within logic. Oftentimes, you falter in your logic."

"Yes, I do, but I do not denounce it. The same statement could be made in relation to you and your faith, which sometimes waivers. Nyota, I do not have to repeat to you my thoughts of your God not existing, but I know that your beliefs make the largest portion of who you are and the woman whom I chose to love. Your faith, while completely illogical gave you levels of happiness, contentment, and endurance that many others around you only wish for. Sometimes, holding true to your beliefs is a difficult practice, but denouncing one's beliefs is even more difficult and actually more illogical." He pressed his forehead to hers, again and said, "I loved your confidence in your faith in the face of opposing logic and the absence of scientific proof. I hope to see that confidence again someday. It made you glow and your eyes sparkle. It provided a pillar of strength for you and made you a fortress for me, when I needed strength that logic did not seem to contain."

He shut his eyes and Nyota stared at him. He had never said such things before, and the words were so completely touching and convincing and _inspirational, _that she needed no further prodding. She placed a hand on his cheek and said, "That is so sweet of you to say."

"I am merely being honest, as I always am when I speak. However, I currently seem compelled to speak about these things. I believe that if it is possible, I have ingested something that is affecting my system in a reactionary way."

Nyota seemed to remember something as she alerted and glanced towards their little kitchenette. She saw her teacup setting on the counter and asked him, almost worried, "Did you drink my tea?"

Spock glanced towards the teacup and explained, "You were asleep and it was going to go to waste. The aroma was interesting. Did you place a reactionary substance into the tea?"

"No, that was some of Dr. Mara's truth serum tea. I was going to use it to help myself open up to you, but after all of that work at Christine's I fell to sleep. When did you have some?"

"Right before I came to bed, after my meditation. Considering that I do not lie under other circumstances, I see no reason for a truth serum to affect me."

"You don't lie, but you don't always tell the whole truth. You hold a lot back, for the fact that you don't think that it is logical to state opinions openly, which you just so convincingly did. You – a scientist, a Vulcan of logic, just told your illogical human wife that she should center her life around a most illogical practice of religion and embrace _faith _in God, a being that there is no proof of."

The two of them were staring at each other. She was trying to see if she had heard him correctly, trying to see if he had actually been trying to persuade her to turn back to her God, because more often than not, Nyota followed his advice. More often than not, she believed him to be right about things that they disagreed on, and if he _was _right, she heeded. The few times that she did not believe him to be right, she had defiantly declined from his words of suggestion. In the past, the most part of those times involved God.

Spock said, "You once credited your perceived relationship with Him as the most important thing in existence. It once gave you a sense of self awareness, confidence, dignity, and purpose that you no longer have. It is logical for a person to embrace that which makes them happy, if without it, they can never be content. As you stated, I am not always satisfied with logic's demands, or with logic's results, but I am content with logic's record and can not envision what deal of chaos that rejecting its influence in my way of life may lead to. Likewise, My Love, you are in need of the faith which was stripped away from you on that day."

If it had come from anyone else, she would have told them to get out of her face, that the issue and the possibility of her changing her mind now were not up for discussion and not going to happen. But this was Spock, and he was being honest, and in her heart, she believed him to be right. She just needed one more token of confirmation that it would be the right choice to make. She needed to know how far Spock's belief that she needed this went, how far would _he _go to help her with her faith? "Will you pray with me?" She asked in a soft, insecure voice.

Spock's eyebrow lifted. He was familiar with the concept of prayer and had seen her do so, had heard her do so on numerous occasions, but he had no training in the practice, nor did he have adequate study in how to do so. He realized that should he simply answer no, he could affect her decision, so he plainly stated, "I do not know how to do so."

A relieved smile crossed her face and she squeezed his hands, tightly. He was unsure of what had just happened, but could tell that he had done something right, in her view. That was a good sign. She instructed, "Just meld with me. I'll do the praying. I just will feel better if you are there, with me, when I go to Him." He nodded.

He wanted to take a moment to deal with the thoughts in his mind fighting with him to refuse this invitation. This would be one of the most illogical things that he had ever ventured upon. In all of their years together, he had never "prayed with her". He did not understand, and had not been curious, until now. He found himself curious in the fact that while she was sitting precisely where she was, she believed that there was a being elsewhere, unseen, undetected, unproven, who would hear her words, hear her thoughts, and she was going to "visit" Him. This visit would mean a great deal to her, he knew, and he was quite interested, now in how these _visits _felt, considering the amount of time that she took to conduct them before her abandonment.

Nyota's eyes were closed, but Spock watched her in curiousness and attention as she thought, "Heavenly Father, God, I do not know if You will bother to listen to me tonight, but I hope so. I come before You imploring You to do so. Please, God, hear your daughter's prayers, that I may be forgiven and restored to the condition in which You created me to be. Lord, I do not understand why you have allowed me to go through the things that I have gone through, but I have always accepted life's tests as bridges to lead me form where I am to where You need me to be, to where I must go..."

Spock saw changes in Nyota's face as he felt the fluctuations of emotions within her. He did not understand the range of emotions, flickering up and down, but acknowledged them through her thoughts as something moving within her soul. He tried not to focus on that aspect, too much, nor the scientific flaws of it, nor the fact that no one had discovered any proof of any "soul" within any being, only energy. He returned his focus to his wife's words, worried about distracting her with his thoughts.

"But now, God, the bridge that I needed to cross was burned while I was on it and I've had to pass through the fire. I could not accept that particular test, and since then I have been angry at You and I have turned my back on You for it. I may never know what kind of purpose this hardship served or if it even did serve a purpose, but I do know that the things that I have endured with You have always been easier than what I have been going through without You. Whether or not I feel like You let me down, I also believe that I will never get through all of this _without _You, and my relationship with You."

She sniffled and asked, "Please, come into my life again. Please, come into my heart and help me to be strong and to endure. Help me to become what I need to be. Unburden my heart and relieve me of my sorrow... please. Become a pillar of strength for me so that I may be a fortress for my husband again, and a sanctuary for my children. Please, Yahweh. For the love of the Holy Savior and the Son of God, Yeshua. Please, in His name, I ask this blessing of You, Amen."

Her eyes remained closed. Spock kept his hands in hers and their foreheads remained pressed together. "Fascinating," he said. She did not respond. The emotions that flooded her as she prayed were ones that he had never become acquainted with before, and it partially unnerved him. In all of this time, he had come to believe that Nyota had introduced him to all possible human emotions, the ones that he had not encountered on his own, anyway. But there had been a new strange mixture of emotions that seemed to make one larger emotion – a mixture of hope, desperation, regret, sorrow, gratefulness... the combination did not even make sense by humans standards, he was certain of it. This concoction of emotion ultimately settled at a peaceful, heart-swelling... delightfulness?

"Joy," she corrected him, opening her eyes for the first time since praying. She sat back and they looked at each other. "It is joy that comes from God."

Spock did not argue with her, but knew that there must be a logical explanation for whatever this feeling of joy was. He presumed that it was psychological, as were all of those other emotions. Nyota said, "I was worshiping Him. What you felt is what faith feels like. It is rather indescribable, isn't it?"

Spock nodded his head, then repeated, "During the meld, that was what faith feels like, and this is what joy feels like."

"Yes."

"I could never accomplish faith or this joy, on my own. My logic would not allow it. Perhaps in the future, you will allow me to experience yours again?"

"Yes." She was smiling. She honestly did feel better, having patched up the last damaged relationship of her life. She knew that much more work was still necessary in her healing, but at least now, she had the faith that it would work, that things would be better, that everything would happen for the best.

Nyota gathered Spock into her arms and set herself back for him to lay on her chest. Spock gathered her into an embrace and settled himself comfortably and gratefully unto her body. Within moments, he was asleep. Spock had never fallen asleep in her arms so quickly before. Truthfully, since their attacks, Spock had not been able to sleep properly. She realized, from melding with him what a great deal of the stress he was under and his inability to rest when he slept derived from the fact that he could not know exactly how she felt, exactly what she thought, and exactly how she was doing. Now that he fully knew how she had felt on that day, and had come up with a working, even if not at all logical remedy to it, and she seemed very well, indeed...

Alas, her beloved felt at ease enough to rest. She watched him sleeping peacefully and felt his heartbeat on her left hip. Watching him sleep like that brought her something else that she had been needing, as well as her faith, as well as joy... peace.


	14. Logical Decisiona

**Logical Decisions**

Nyota awoke as early as Spock did. He began his meditation while she prayed, got up to begin her morning stretches, and headed into the bathroom to shower. They were still taking separate showers. She still had not been naked in front of him, but she had a towel wrapped around her when she came out of the lavatory and Spock prepared to go into it.

When he came out of the room, she was in her uniform, and he was also in his. She smiled brightly at him and went to meet him at the door of the bathroom, with an embrace and a kiss. Spock accepted and returned both gestures, and held her for a moment. He asked, "Are you ready, Lt. Uhura?"

"Yes, Commander Spock," she answered. She slid her hands to cup his face and he pressed his forehead to hers as he placed his hands on her face and they became one in that way, feeding off of each other's pleasant emotions. This was how they had began to begin all of their days since their meld which shared the incident.

Now, one week after the fact, they were mentally connecting on a daily basis – in the morning and at night, and Nyota was about to return to the bridge for her first day of active duty in months. She was excited about it. Dr. Mara was going to be there for a couple of more weeks, still holding sessions with her, to see if returning to work was affecting her in any way. Spock leaned in and kissed Nyota while their minds were one. She shivered at the sensations her body received from his mind. Soon, they parted and simply looked at each other. They stood there for a while before Sytar and Sanaa entered the room.

Spock grabbed the boy, she grabbed the girl and they took them for breakfast, then dropped them off with their caretaker. Both Nyota and Spock walked with their hands clasped behind their backs as they headed for the bridge. Upon reaching the bridge, Nyota tried to calm herself down. She was more nervous than she had been the first time. In fact, the first time, she had been eager, not nervous. Now... Spock reached for her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, which helped her to become calm. Their minds were still connected. They had agreed that they would spend the whole day connected, so that if she needed any encouragement, he could offer it to her.

Janice was at the Captain's chair having him sign off on some documents when Nyota arrived. Janice smiled brightly at her, which made Kirk face her, and he smiled too. Nyota tilted her head and approached his chair, but before she had the chance to speak, Kirk said, "Lt. Uhura, without further delay, please report to your workstation."

She smiled and said, "Yes, Captain." She obeyed the order with gladness and Spock stood closely near her station, for no reason other than to be near her. Chekov turned in his seat and nodded his head in acknowledgment to her. She fell back into the groove of work quickly, as she always did after a long break, though before now they had been maternity leaves.

Before she knew it, her first day was over and she felt so alive, even thought the shift had been rather uneventful. She had the opportunity to spend an entire day with Spock, teasing her intelligence, though he called it "cultivating" her intelligence. The two of them were going back and forth playing games that Vulcan children sometimes played when becoming comfortable with their telepathic abilities. The two of them had been mentally connecting more frequently in the past week than they ever did before all of the real trouble began, and Nyota felt that certainly, things would not only be back to normal, eventually, but better than ever, and soon.

They collected Sytar and Sanaa from the caretaker and went to the medical lab to collect Styik, as well. He had been spending ample amounts of time in the science lab and the medical lab, due to his most recent studies with Tirza. Scotty had become quite jealous about the fact that Styik no longer had time to visit the engineering room, but kept his complaints to a minimum, as he realized that Styik was working for his future. Styik did not wish to leave the medical lab by the time that he knew it was time for him to do so, but he had come to a stopping point in his research and was then, simply observing, and he knew that spending time with his family was an intensive component of things becoming well with them again.

The family had never been perfect, unless perfectly defected counted... there was a half human half Vulcan with insecurity issues, a passionate human wife whose very nature contradicts the nature of her husband, an adopted half Romulan half Vulcan son, recovered from mental obstruction, and two little quarter Vulcan three quarter human children who had no idea how to figure out what they needed to be, because their parents were so... Styik did not know the word to describe his parents, but whatever they were, they were his parents. However defected the family was, this was his family.

Styik immediately began talking to Spock about his hours of research in the medical lab and his next idea for a mental simulation with the Brain for possible treatment of his bond mate's condition. Sytar made a deep annoyed sighing sound. Sanaa rolled her eyes at him, unconsciously. Nyota picked her son up from walking and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Sytar had a bit of a jealousy issue. If someone wanted to love on Sanaa, he welcomed it, and practically tried to sell her to them; when someone captured Spock's attention, he accepted and expected them to do so, and took no offense, whatsoever; but he did not like the nor welcome, nor pretend to accept the idea of sharing his brother or his mother. He had learned not to whine about it or scream, or fight, but he still had reactions when certain topics arose, involving certain individuals that he had to share Styik with (Lux). Nyota recognized his discomfort and decided to be the one to console him. Spock gathered Sanaa up, as well, so that she would not have to trail behind.

Things were going as fine as Nyota could have ever imagined months before, although there were certain things that had not fallen back into place. For one thing, she still did not spend as much time with friends as she once did. Where she once could hang out with the guys for extended periods of time, taking all of their conversations and comments with a grain of salt, she recognized that she became offended by things that she once did not let bother her at all.

Sex was completely nonexistent. It was not had, it was not discussed, it was not even thought about in the same way. When it _was _thought about, it was thought about as something that once happened that now seemed so far away from everything else. Nyota had a feeling, no, she had picked up from Spock's mind that he wanted to at least discuss the subject, but he was worried about bringing up such a subject, after everything that had taken place, _especially _now, when their lives were beginning to become comfortable again.

One more thing that had not returned to itself was her relationship with loved ones outside of the ship. She did not speak very much to anyone in her family, including her mother and her favorite brother, and it had literally been months since she even tried to contact either of them. In fact, since the attack, she had only spoken to each of them twice, and the two times that she spoke to Toimu had been before Mara had come to the ship, when he intruded in on the transmissions that she was having with the psychiatrist. As far as she knew, he still did not know exactly what had happened to her.

She was not sure if he or any of her family would really understand what Spock was going through if they knew so much of the details. She knew that they had probably been able to review the Earth trial for the change of venue, therefore, they would have know that there was mental force involved, and from Dr. McCoy's testimony, they would have known her exact injuries. What was not revealed in that trial was the fact that Spock was used to inflict those injuries.

She and Spock had been married for approximately nine years and it was difficult for her to wrap her head around the difference between Spock hurting her and Spock being forced to hurt her. She had no way of telling how her family would handle such a realization. It was best not to tell them, but she did not know how many others had access to the information which did include that fact, and she did not know who they had spoken to about it, or what they heard about the situation. All that she really knew was that she had no intention of speaking to them about it.

Toimu would react in an explosion. She knew him well enough to know this. Her father, of all people would most likely have the easiest time understanding the situation, but would have still have difficulties being around Spock, and she could not say one way or another about her mother. The thoughts were settled greatly upon her mind, because Spock had mentioned to her that he was going to file for them to go on a short leave in a few months' time to visit New Vulcan. When she had expressed that she did not want to visit New Vulcan, his only response had been, "It is necessary." He did not seem movable on the subject, so she would have to see her family soon.

Her father had told her that when he reached his tenth year of being on the planet, he and her mother were going back to Earth... that was still another almost two years away, so when she got to New Vulcan, she would have to see them. Toimu was currently residing back on Earth, but if he found out that she and Spock would be visiting New Vulcan, she knew that he would jump in his ship and rush himself there to see her (and probably harass her about her level of contact with him). Spock noticed both the worry on her face and felt it across the thread which kept their minds connected. "Nyota," he said and she looked at him. "It will be alright," he tried to assure her.

When the children were settled in their room, Styik returned to his parents' room and knocked on the door. It opened and he stepped inside. He seemed to have a grave subject to discuss. Nyota stared at him from her position in front of her mirror, wrapping her hair in a beehive around her head. Spock arose from the bed and addressed him, "Styik, is there something troubling you?"

The boy took a deep breath and entered deeper into the room. He stood practically in the middle and said, "In three months, when we visit New Vulcan, I wish to remain there." Nyota froze, dropped her brush, and all of the hair that she had worked so hard to lay down went falling freely from its position in the wrap. It was in a messy pile atop her head when she leaned to collect the brush from the floor.

Spock stated, calmly, "Very well. We knew that you wished to remain on the planet the last time that we were there, and yet you insisted upon coming with us..."

"I knew that Mother was going to need me. Now, it would seem that she is recovering well from everything, and I am no longer needed here. My education has suffered in the years that I have been back on the ship, in that I have not had the opportunity to learn in the same environment as the other Vulcan children. Now that I am confident that Mother shall be fine without my presence, I must be allowed to reside upon New Vulcan to complete my studies, if I am to attain my educational and vocational goals."

Nyota began to brush her hair again, as Spock invited Styik to sit down as they talked. Spock told Styik the reasons that he believed his decision to be a logical one and the most advantageous decision regarding his future. Nyota simply tried to tuned the conversation out and attempted to focus her mind on other things... didn't work. Finally, Styik asked, "Do you have anything to say about the subject matter, Mother?"

"We will miss you," she said, flatly.

Styik nodded his head and with more emotion in his voice than she had, he said, "I will miss you, as well."

"It is necessary," she told him, "If you want to be admitted into the Vulcan Science Academy by the time that you are fourteen. Plus, I imagine that around that time, or maybe a little later that your phases will begin. You will need to be close to your mate for that event, and maybe it will be easier for you to try to work on treatment for her when you're there with her instead of studying a holo of her brain." Nyota was trying to keep her voice even, but her heart was breaking. This was not a good time for her to have to let him go, but she knew that she would have to.

She certainly did not wish for years of tension between them, as she had with her father, and Spock had with his father, when they each decided to enlist in Starfleet. Styik arose from the table and went to the mirror. He stood behind Nyota and took the brush, "Mother, this takes a great deal less time if you will allow someone else to do it for you." He began to brush her hair in the circular pattern that he had seen her perform on her own head, less efficiently, many times before.

When he was done, she told him, "Perfect," then, he tied her head wrap around her head, in precise imitation of the way she generally did so, wrapped his arms around her and kissed her on the cheek.

"Thank you for being understanding, Mother." He left the room.

Nyota climbed into the bed, took one look at Spock, then turned to face the opposite direction. She curled into a little, ball beneath the covers and sighed. Spock asked, "Do you wish for me to hold you, Nyota?" She answered only with a shaky deep breath, and he moved closer to her and wrapped his arms around her body. He planned on talking to her about why the trip to New Vulcan was necessary, but now, he knew that she was in no condition to speak of his upcoming Pon Farr.

However, he knew that it needed to be discussed. Perhaps the next time that they melded, he would present the information in that way? However he would do it, it certainly needed to be done in time enough for her to prepare herself for it, or in time enough for him to prepare himself for her refusal.

Nyota was seated in the mess hall for her lunch break, enjoying a rather delightful cup of soup when her portable transmitter sounded. She pressed a button and was quite shocked, but delighted to see Ambassador Spock appear on the screen. She smiled at him and opened the incoming transmission.

"Hello, Miss Uhura."

"Hi, Mr. Spock... I was not expecting to hear from you. Is there a problem?" She asked, slightly worried, but also hopeful.

"It was my intention to contact you in reference to your current condition," he said.

"My current condition?" She asked, now a little taken aback.

"Tirza informed me this morning that Styik will soon be coming to live here again. it occurred to me that this may present an emotional dilemma for you, therefore, I wished to convey my concern and contact you to ascertain your emotional condition," The elder Spock said.

Now, she smiled softly at him. "I understand what Styik needs to do. It will be for the best. How is Tirza?"

"She is very well," he said.

"So, she is functioning properly?" Nyota joked with him, as logical Vulcans generally answered the question with that answer.

"One might even say that she is damned good," Ambassador Spock did not miss a beat when it came to executing a joke with perfect calm. Nyota blurted out laughter that sounded through the mess hall and others present turned to look at her. She covered her mouth and blushed a little. "How is Spock?" He now asked.

"I thought that he talked to you often," she said.

"He does. Of course, when Spock talks to me it is not the same as when you talk to me. Spock is not very quick to discuss issues of his feelings or his conditions with me, however, I do believe that he has become as close with Jim and Dr. McCoy as I was with my own."

"He is extremely close to both of them... um, and he is doing a lot better than he was last week, so that's a good thing. We both are doing better, overall, but to be honest, I really don't want to return to New Vulcan. Not while we are still trying to fix our issues."

"It is tradition to spend that personal period in the caves. On board a starship is no place to securely handle the trial of Pon Farr," Ambassador Spock said. Nyota's grip tightened on her spoon, but other than that, she had no real reaction to what the elder said. He continued on to say, "Perhaps you do not wish to go, however, I am certain that if Spock had any control over his biology, he would not have you to go anywhere that you do not wish to."

"I, I know," she said in a small voice.

"Is something else wrong, Lt. Uhura?" He asked.

Automatically, she let her face brighten and she said, "No! No, nothing's wrong, but I do have to finish up my lunch and rush back to the bridge. You know how that is."

"Indeed, I do, Lieutenant. I shall allow you to return to your duties. Our exchange has been a pleasure, as always."

"For myself, as well, Mr. Spock." The transmission had ended.

She did not finish her soup. She threw the cup into the disposal system and walked swiftly to the bridge. Spock was hanging out at Kirk's chair when she entered the area. She used her mental connection to him, the way that she tried when they were playing Vulcan children's games. _Spock?_

He turned, with his hands clasped behind his back and left Kirk's side to meet her at the door to the lift the she had just stepped out of.

"Is everything alright, Nyota?" He asked. She never reached out to him mentally. He could most likely count the times which she had on one hand, and would have already had the precise number on the tip of his tongue if she did not appear to be so worried.

"You're about to go through Pon Farr?" She asked. He could feel her feelings. She was worried, she was afraid, she was in disbelief... and she felt _betrayed? _He did not understand why she felt betrayed.

"Nyota, I believe that we should discuss this some other time..."

"Oh, so you do agree with me that it should be discussed?" Now, she was angry, but she kept her voice low. Kirk had turned in his seat to face the two of them.

Spock glanced at the captain, then told her, "Yes, of course I do. I had every intention of speaking with you about the subject, however, as you well know, the past nine months, two weeks, and six days have not been adequate time to remind you that Ambassador Spock's first Pon Farr occurred in his thirty fifth year." She sighed and folded her arms. This was a major issue, considering the past nearly ten months that they had endured. This was an issue that needed to be discussed as soon as possible! "I was trying to be respectful of your condition, with my reluctance to present this information to you. As a matter of fact, where did you obtain the information?"

"Ambassador Spock accidentally told me. He seemed to think that I already knew why we were coming to New Vulcan!" She said, a bit louder than she had been before. Her voice quieted and she said, "And I was too embarrassed about the fact that he knew and I did not that I did not even bother to correct him."

"Elder Spock and the Lady Tirza have a stronger mental bond than the one that we share, because they are both Vulcan. Their bond entails them sharing most of their thoughts without trying and without having to do it consciously. He may have assumed that you knew through our bond. There is no need to be embarrassed..."

Captain Kirk approached the couple and asked, "Are you back from your break, Lt. Uhura?"

She sighed, glanced at the clock and said, "Reporting, now, Captain."

"Great. Mr. Spock, now we can get down to the surface of that planet," Kirk said.

Nyota took her station, as Kirk and Spock left the bridge. Kirk looked at Spock and asked, "Is everything alright?"

"Is anything ever alright, is a better question, Captain," Spock replied. He said, "I believed us to be taking Lt. Uhura with the landing party."

"Yea, I believed us to be doing the same thing until I saw how she was looking at you. What did you do this time?"

"The same thing that I do every time." Spock replied.

"You made a decision that seemed logical at the time, then realized that a logical decision is not really what your wife needs?" Kirk asked.

"It is what she needs, however, it is not something which she welcomes very often," he said.


	15. Frailty

**Frailty**

"_My first Pon Farr occurred before we discovered the Platonians." Ambassador Spock said, from the screen. _

_Spock shook his head and said, "As you are well aware, this has not occurred in my time line. I have experienced the Platonians, already, but Pon Farr has yet to come. Perhaps it will not occur for me at the same time that it did for you. Perhaps it will come later, some time after Nyota has had the chance to become comfortable with the thought of our bodies coming together again."_

_The elder Spock tilted his head, hoping the same thing, but deeming it not likely. He advised Spock, "Vulcans should not engage in wishful thinking, Spock. While I consent to you embracing your emotions, I fear that I must draw the line during times in which you press the boundaries of logic so far." _

"_Of course, Elder... where else did our time lines differ?" Spock asked, looking at the lit up holo diagram of two time lines, which he and Ambassador Spock began working on while he was not within the quarters with Nyota._

"_Well, it would appear that you discovered Locina and Trelane, the Squire of Gothos long before we did... both of which our graph indicates you discovered during Nyota's pregnancy with Sytar. We met Trelane nearly two years before we had our incident with Locina... also the infection which affected our emotional inhibitions. We encountered that adventure earlier than you did. The graph indicates that you encountered it between the births of your two children, and my time line places the event in the area of time that would have been before Sytar was even conceived."_

_Spock commented, "Also, your accounts of how the events unfolded are practically symmetrical to how they were experienced with us. Many of the conversations were practically identical, between myself and others and between others who were on board. Is such a thing common when a time rift creates so different an alternate time line? After all, my life in general is completely different than yours was."_

"_Perhaps, many of the same things are still bound to occur. I have not had in depth studies of alternate time line comparisons. I can speculate, but it would not be wise."_

"_Be unwise, for a moment. I wish to acknowledge all possibilities."_

"_Speculation seems to suggest that while this is a different time line and your lives are different from our own, you are, in essence, the same people that we were. Given the adventures that we were given, you would most likely respond in a similar manner in which we did. The obstacles themselves, if presented to you probably would occur quite similarly as they did when we faced them. While you have come to face many of the same foes that we have, there are also others that you seemed to have avoided completely. You did not have to face a salt stealing monster or be exposed to a Captain Kirk, split into two wholly separate beings, one good and one bad. You have never come across Nurse Chapel's long lost fiance', Roger Korby to find that he had become an android and had made other model android to serve him."_

"_We searched for the planet which you indicated that we may be able to find him on, and we searched the area that you indicated that you found him in and there was nothing there. Nurse Chapel had dared to hope, despite my advice for her not to do so. There is no way to predict which things we will have to face and which ones that we will not."_

"_No, Spock. There is not."_

"_Therefore, there is most likely no pattern to the differences and similarities in our time line and yours."_

"_I am unable to prove such a theory."_

"_Livingston Kurok. Did he exist in your time line?"_

"_He very well may have, however, I was not familiar with him. If he did exist, he was not a Federation fugitive, nor a war criminal. He may have simply have been a doctor."_

"_So... he was not the former love of your Nyota?"_

"_Not as far as I knew, but you must remember that I would not have been given such personal information of her life prior to knowing me. It is possible that Nero's interference of the time line and murdering of Livingston Kurok's father drove him to become the man that you knew him to be. This is all speculation, Spock."_

"_Yes, but had I paid any attention in the similarities before, we may have been able to avoid the Platonians. We have been able to have an evacuation route for the Romulans in due time, before Romulus is ever destroyed. The Romulans did not seem particularly susceptible to trust us, but the scientists observing the star in question confirmed the theory that the star would supernova by the time indicated. That tells me that there are things that we can avoid for the future. Perhaps there are missions that I can spare Nyota from, so that she will not have to live another Platonian incident. Since that event, I have become dedicated to memorizing the events which you share with me of your time line."_

"_No one was injured in the way that Lt. Uhura was when we faced the Platonians, and their attack did not warrant execution."_

"_I am simply baffled. In what way would the time rift have changed the Platonians, that they would attack us with more cruelty than they did you?"_

"_Perhaps the nature of the attack had less to do with the differences between the Platonians of the two time lines and more to do with the differences in their prey."_

"_Nyota and I are married. You were not."_

"_I did not even touch Lt. Uhura on that day. Jim did."_

"_And it was not as vicious."_

"_It was most likely comparable to what those of your time line had occur between Jim and Nurse Chapel."_

"_Did you penetrate Nurse Chapel?"_

"_It was a very disturbing day."_

"_And Nurse Chapel was alright afterwards?"_

"_She bounced back. Of course, I helped her to understand that what had taken place was in no way her fault, nor mine... that we had no power over the matter and that if I had, things would not have occurred as they did. She recovered quite well, as did Lt. Uhura. In your time line however, the nature of Lt. Uhura's attack, and the fact that Nurse Chapel witnessed such an event may have a lot to do with their reactions to it."_

"_Nyota has not mentally recovered. I need her to be recovered if I am, in fact going to be experiencing Pon Farr."_

"_I realize how much you treasure your wife, Spock..." Spock had the sudden thought that he would not like whatever was to come forth from the elder Spock's mouth next. "But, if she has not recovered in time for this occurrence..."_

"_Then I will most likely die. I have already prepared myself for such an event. Death is not something which frightens me."_

"_Spock, death is not something which frightens me, either. The hardest part of Pon Farr is not the prospect of dying, it is the loss of control if you come too closely to the stage in which you might die. Your mind becomes your own worse enemy and your body becomes its co-conspirator. You will be attacked by your own biology. Your life attacks your life and when you no longer know who you are and what you are doing, anyone around you is subject to the enemy within you attacking, also."_

"_If I must, I will return to New Vulcan myself and bind myself within a cave. I can not bear the thought of hurting her again."_

"_Your dying would hurt her more than anything else that has taken place. She would be subject not only to knowing that she could have prevented it and did not, but also subjected to knowing that eventually, one day, your children would know as well. She would have to answer to her own conscious, and to you. She would fall apart, Spock."_

"_You seem to be obligating her to share herself with me."_

"_She vowed to do so when she bonded with you."_

"_Things have changed."_

"_You are still bonded. Spock, Ms. Uhura is quite logical. I think that you believe that she will respond in a far more emotional manner than she most likely will. It may bother her to be in such a position, after not having a sufficient amount of time for her recovery, but she will do what she knows is necessary. Perhaps the issue here has less to do with how much she will be hurt and more to do with how much you shall be bothered by your condition."_

"_Not by the condition, by what I will do to her in that condition... I do not... I can not hurt her again."_

"_It will be different than you imagine, Spock. When you experience Pon Farr with a bonded mate with which you have an empathic bond, the process though grueling and harsh in actuality brings the two of you closer together. Perhaps, this union may be what your relationship has needed."_

"_That is illogical," Spock said._

_"I believed that we were having a speculative conversation, Spock. I believed that you wished to acknowledge all possibilities."_

"_I did. That moment has passed. I thank you for this exchange, Elder Spock."_

"_Before we end this transmission, I do wish to inform you that in the time period that I have known __**your **__Uhura, I have concluded, that like the one of my time line, she has the strength to do what is required of her, and she would not take lightly to being told that she can not do so. You must respect her strength, Spock."_

"_She is only human, Elder Spock."_

"_She is not __**only **__human, Spock. She is human, and one of great strength. She understands," The elder Spock said and ended the transmission._

Kirk stared at Spock as the two of them, along with Dr. McCoy, the security personnel, and the natives of the planet who had greeted them when they landed stood in a stone cave, waiting for the windstorm outside to subside. Kirk finally asked, "Is there something that you are thinking about that might release my boredom, or is it a Spock only train of thought?" Spock simply glanced at the captain, and Kirk nodded, "I figured as much."

Spock then replayed, in his mind, all of the times that he had attempted to talk to Nyota about the situation. He had began one such instance by first telling her about the time line differences that he and Elder Spock were constructing. He had told her that he was attempting to see if there was a pattern, or to find if there were events which the ship could fix before running into the same tragedy that had been faced in the other time line. He had gone on to speak about how he had reviewed all of the ship's logs from when they were off of the ship for both babies' first years, and somehow, between her questions, and his explanations, the conversation had gotten so far off of the topic that he saw no way to come back to it. Having been spoken to on numerous occasions about his tact with her, he decided not to mention it.

He wished to ask Dr. Mara the best way to bring the subject up, but found himself too embarrassed by the personal nature of the conversation to do so. Now, he was in trouble. He found himself even mad at Elder Spock. Sure, he did not know for certain that Nyota was not aware that he was going to be going into Pon Farr soon, but Spock reserved the belief that Pon Farr was not an issue to be discussed, especially between the two of them. Then again, when Elder Spock had gone through Pon Farr while they were stationed on New Vulcan, his had become a topic of discussion, but that was different. _His _was a safety matter, because he was already experiencing it. Spock's was yet to come, and it was not even certain that it would come at the same time...

But as Elder Spock pointed out, thus far, they had both sneaked away at age seven to have their kahs'wans, they had both fought with older Vulcan children over their mother's heritage, they had both turned down the admission into the Vulcan Science Academy and joined Starfleet at the same time...but then, things changed.

The most important thing in Spock's life changed. He met Nyota. It did not seem like much at the time, but it became a centrifugal moment in his existence. Then, another huge difference occurred, Nyota met his mother, and that led to the possibilities that Spock had formerly considered illogical and therefore unworthy of chasing. Next, the change that changed everything else from then on out, Spock's mother was murdered. Amanda Grayson's death had opened an entire new doorway of illogical possibilities, and because his mother was dead, he decided to allow himself to chase after those.

He had even gone so far as to tell Nyota that he loved her, to try to ascertain that she deem him worthy of trying to have a relationship with. Nyota had put up with a lot from him... well, she had fought to try to accept his reluctance to show emotion. In actuality, if there was "putting up" that had been done, they both had put up with much from each other, considering their personalities, but they loved each other. Sometimes, neither of them allowed the other to bend certain aspects of their values, but for the most part, both of them would do anything for each other...

Dr. McCoy now asked, "Seriously, Spock, are you with us?"

"As a matter of fact, Dr. McCoy I happen to clearly be standing right next to you," Spock answered.

"I know that! I meant, oh, never mind it!" Dr. McCoy grumbled.

Nyota sighed and monitored the frequencies on the board. She turned in her seat to look at Scotty pacing nervously near the captain's seat. She generally hated when Scotty was in command, and something went wrong. Scotty sometimes became more excited than she would have liked him to be. Sure, Kirk became quite excited as well, and surely most of them were excitable in comparison to Spock, but Scotty in particular... it was one of the problems that Spock had with Scotty.

She stood up and walked over to him, "Mr. Scott... can I ask you what you are thinking?"

"I don't know, Lt. Uhura. I know that we should have heard something from the Captain and the others, by now."

"Well, as I told you, there is interference with the signals, so they may be perfectly safe, but just without working communicators. I think that Captain Kirk would want you to remain calm."

"This _is_ me being calm, Lieutenant," he said. She placed her hands on his shoulders, led him to the Captain's chair and nudged her head towards it, gently. He sighed, but sat down.

She corrected, "_This _is you being calm, Mr. Scott."

He smiled at her, "Thank you, Lt. Uhura. It certainly is nice to have you back on the bridge." She smiled at him too, then jumped when she heard Kirk's voice in her ear.

She placed her hand on her ear piece and said, "Enterprise, I read you, Captain... yes Captain." She looked at Scotty and said, "The captain and the others are beaming aboard, Mr. Scott." She returned to her seat as he got up to head to the lift and meet with the landing party.

Spock was silent as they returned to the bridge, covered in dirt from the planet. Neither of those details were nothing new. Kirk had a rip across the front of his uniform shirt... nothing new there, either. Nyota reached out to Spock mentally, _Spock. _He looked at her from the science station and saw concern and questioning on her face. They had been gone for four more hours than they had anticipated, but it was due to an interference with their communicators.

_There is no need to be concerned. Things went well, considering that we were cut off from the ship for so long. _He even offered her a tiny smirk of reassurance and reached out to allow her to feel a small wave of security through their bond. She smiled and nodded.

She had been worried about him. She was most likely more worried than Scotty had been, but she was better at holding herself together than Scotty. Scotty often commented that he was not meant to command ships, but to tend to them, but his rank often made him have to command the ship. Nyota thought sometimes that she might not be quite qualified to command a ship, herself, but the few times when command actually did fall upon her, she had handled herself in a way that the others praised. She would generally answer modestly, "I just did what I had to." Which brought her to what she had been thinking about when she was not allowing herself to worry about what might or might not be happening with Spock on the landing mission... Spock's Pon Farr.

When she thought about it, she became upset. Kirk had just asked her a question. Damn it, she had missed it. _Lieutenant Uhura, send a thank you to the leader of the planet on behalf of the captain, and the ship. _She glanced at Spock, then looked at Captain Kirk and said, "Yes, Captain." _Thank you, Spock. _

He slightly tilted his head as he observed, _You appeared to have missed his request. I did not wish for you to embarrass yourself by having to ask him to repeat it. _She smiled at her husband and followed through with Kirk's order.

Nyota was going to be leaving the bridge before Spock was. Hawkins was already there to cover her when she began her end of shift reports. He sat down at the console and began to talk to her as he did. "Was the day eventful?"

"Not for me, it wasn't. I spent most of my shift looking at the screen waiting for us to be able to resume contact with the landing party."

"Hmph. That means that probably even less will occur while I am here. Fantastic!" He cheered sarcastically. "Maybe I need to change my field. I could become a security officer."

"The death toll for those in security on board starships is not really one that I feel comfortable enough with to encourage you to make such a decision, Hawk."

"Christine would freak anytime medical bay received a report of someone down," he said. Nyota stared at him for a moment, about to ask him if he and Christine had decided to give each other a try, but he quickly answered, "She is acknowledging me as the only one who stood by her. We are not together, but on some days, it feels like we might as well be." He laughed uneasy.

"I have been there before." she glanced at Spock, who reflexively turned in his seat and looked at them. She spoke, before he could, "I am finished with my reports, Commander, and leaving the bridge, shortly." He turned in his seat and faced his station again. "I'll see you, Lt. Hawkins." Nyota said and went over to Spock's chair to turn her reports in to him. He took them and placed them aside, then looked at her. She smiled awkwardly and asked, "Know when you'll be leaving the bridge?"

"Probably not until after you and the children have had dinner," he faced her and she rubbed a trace of dirt from his jaw. He unintentionally leaned his head into her hand, which caused her to smile slightly. "I shall see you when I return to our quarters. Then, we will have an opportunity to talk."

She nodded and said, "I am glad that nothing happened to you on that planet. I would not be happy, or even alright, if something bad were to happen to you." She was trying to let him know that she knew that she had to do whatever she had to do. She could not tell whether or not he understood why she was saying this to him.

He merely stared at her for a moment, then said, "At no point in time were we in any danger besides being blinded temporarily by debris during the windstorm which affected the communicators signal." She sighed and nodded, then laughed and shook her head as she headed for the turbo lift.

Sytar placed the bowl on Sanaa's head and fussed, "This is how our ancestors did it!" She took the bowl off of her head and had the mind to splash it on him, but she looked at Styik and Styik's look matched one of Spock's.

She frowned and muttered, "Stupid," about Sytar.

He laughed at her and said, "That was an emotional response." Nyota looked at them from where she was at the replicator. She hated replicated food, but she did not want to wait in the line for the real food, which the ship had received a transport of the previous day. The children, however, _were _in the real food line, and from what she could see, her two little ones were having issues. She blamed herself for that behavior.

Sanaa had been trying for months to be the holo of Vulcan perfection, just like she saw her father to be, but Nyota knew that her own temperament would rub off on the children, some. Sanaa had her mother's temper. She would get mad and look out boys! But, she tried extremely hard not to react to anything, especially not her brother, who seemed to get a kick out of taunting her, but seemed devastated whenever she did finally snap. If Nyota was seeing things right, Sanaa was about to hit him with a bowl of hot soup. Nyota had almost run over to them, but she saw that Styik had intervened, silently.

Christine walked up beside her and began to put a cartridge into the machine, "Lt. Uhura, I am surprised that you are not going to rush and get yourself some fresh fruit before it's all gone."

"Don't be too surprised, Styik is going to bring me some," Nyota said.

Christine smiled and said, "He is such a protective son." Nyota smiled too. She knew that this was the best compliment that Christine could manage in regards to Styik. He had never like her and had oftentimes been mean to her, therefore, it did not surprise Nyota that Christine would not have many good things to say about him. in fact, that one compliment was the only one that she ever gave him, that and he is such a smart child. Christine removed her food from the machine and said, "Enjoy your supper." She walked off and sat down with Dr. Mara. Nyota waved at the woman who was already at the table, eating, then finally decided on what she herself would eat.

Styik sat next to Sytar at the table, and they sat across from Nyota and Sanaa. Styik commented, "Sytar, I think you may get yourself into trouble. Both of your girlfriends are here, and you haven't spoken to either of them."

Sytar made an incredulous face and corrected, "I have _three _girlfriends, not two!" Nyota fought the urge to laugh and Sanaa grimaced at him.

Styik went on to say, "Oh, right, I forgot about Ms. Janice."

"My godmother is not a girlfriends!" Sanaa said, indignant.

Sytar smiled and taunted, "She is, and she gives me a kiss on the face, too."

Styik continued in his own taunting, "But, Sytar, your other two girlfriends are here, and they are sitting down with each other. What if they find out that they are both your girlfriends?"

"They won't tell. They both told me that they can keep it a secret." Sytar boasted. "Pretty Dr. Mara said that it's her job to keep secrets."

Sanaa was red in the face as she fussed, "Dr. Mara and Nurse Chapel might be girlfriends, but not my godmother is not girlfriends!"

Nyota rubbed her hand and told her, "It's okay, Sugar-button. Sytar is not old enough to have a girlfriend, and by the time that he is, he's not going to even want those ladies. They'll be too old." She looked at Sytar and said, "I told you not to mess with her like that, you know that she gets upset about it. What's the rule about you picking a girlfriend?"

"She can't be married," Sytar said.

"That's right. And Ms. Janice is married, so she can't be your girlfriend," Nyota reminded him, knowing that he would eventually conveniently forget.

Sytar insisted, "But Mother, Pretty Ms. Janice is my prettiest girlfriend..."

"My godmother is not girlfriends!" Sanaa shrieked and jumped up to try to cross the table after him. Nyota grabbed her ankle to keep her from crawling to reach him, and picked her up from the table. She was shaking and Nyota cradled her to herself and gave Sytar a troubled expression. His eyes lowered to the table and Sytar came from his chair and walked over to the other side. He looked at his sister and said, "Don't cry, sister. I was just pretending. Of course your godmother is not my girlfriend. That's illogical."

She looked up and said, "Nurse Chapel is not Father's girlfriends?"

"No, of course not... who said that?" Styik asked. Sanaa simply squeezed her mother tighter.

Styik looked at Sytar and Sytar said, "She did not get that thought from me!" He was rather incensed about it, too. Nyota picked her daughter up and left the mess hall with her. She had never seen Sanaa so upset, even with her brother, and she knew that only Spock would be able to make her feel better. Sanaa was crying onto her mother's shoulder, so unlike her, and Nyota knew that if the girl was attempting to connect mentally with her, she would feel her nervousness. Sanaa did not seem to be trying to connect, though.

When Nyota reached the bridge, Spock had cleaned himself up a bit and noticed her upon entering... or he had sensed her coming. He rushed over to her and collected Sanaa from her arms, before she had the chance to say anything. She decided at that moment that he had sensed Sanaa coming, upset. She tried to explain, "She had this idea in her head that Christine was your girlfriend and she became quite upset about it. It was triggered by Sytar taunting her about Janice being his girlfriend." Spock stroked the back of his daughter's hair and kissed her forehead. Generally, Sanaa was not open for much physical affection, but when she became sad, she became quite receptive to it.

Nyota simply watched as Spock connected with their daughter, but he took his wife's hand and pulled her into the connection, as well. Apparently, Sanaa had overheard someone jokingly refer to Christine as Commander Spock's girlfriend, while she was inside of one of the ship bathrooms. The boys were waiting for her outside of the door, but she did not want to come out of the stall, because she worried that she might have to see who called that woman her father's girlfriend. She waited until it was clear, then came out of the stall, climbed unto the sink to wash herself off, climbed down and went to the drier to dry hands. Then, she went outside, where Sytar teased her and accused her of "taking a doodie." He proceeded to bother her for the next thirty minutes, about various items, and by the time that he began to call Janice his girlfriend, Sanaa had had enough.

Spock smiled at her, softly and said, mentally,_ I have no desire for a girlfriend, Precious. Your mother is the only woman that I ever wish to touch, and I will never wish for another. _

The girl's bright, brown eyes stared at him, reading him. She believed him, but it still hurt so much to hear someone say such a thing. Especially since she did not really know what a girlfriend was, and only knew that from what she saw, a girlfriend acted the same way that a wife did, and she did not want anyone acting the same way with her father that her mother did. She did not want any woman snuggled up to her father in bed during sleepover night. She did not want any woman feed her father from her fingers when she thinks that they aren't paying attention. She did not want any other woman to make her father smile when he thinks no one is looking at them.

Nyota smiled and stroked Sanaa's face. _Why Sanaa, I did not know that you cared that much about Mother. _Nyota offered. Sanaa looked towards her mother and nodded her head, seriously. Nyota smiled. Honestly, she had no idea that Sanaa cared so much. There were even times when Nyota had the feeling that if she disappeared, Sanaa would be over it within days. She knew that during the separation that Sanaa was angry with her and did not respect her words, but she had no idea that her relationship with Spock was so deeply engraved in the girl's consciousness... probably from connecting with her father as frequently as she did.

Suddenly, Dr. McCoy came rushing off of the lift and asked, "What's wrong with my Princess?" Spock looked at Captain Kirk, and had the idea that Kirk had contacted Dr. McCoy about a possible situation involving Sanaa.

Sanaa said calmly, "I'm all better, Godfather."

He smiled and placed a hand over his chest. "Damn it, Jim! I thought that something was seriously wrong!" He fussed, patted her head, then stroked her face and said, "Excuse Godfather's language, Princess." He walked beyond Spock and Nyota to the captain's face and continued fussing that Jim needed to be certain that nothing was wrong before he made calls stating, "You may want to get down here, it's Sanaa." Kirk threw his hands into the air as though someone had a weapon on him and tried to calm Dr. McCoy down.

Soon enough, he tuned him completely out and called out to Spock, "Is everything alright on that end?" Dr. McCoy folded his arms across his chest and headed back for the lift. Spock nodded once to Captain Kirk, then handed Sanaa over to Nyota. She accepted her from him and told him, "Thanks. I have no idea how I would handle her, in times like these, if you were no longer here." Another hint. He caught it, this time.

He touched his two fingers to hers and told her, _I have every intention of remaining with you, if you intend to keep me. _She smiled and nodded.

Dr. McCoy came and practically snatched Sanaa from her mother's arms. His hands were still shaking, and he still had not caught his breath from the worry that Captain Kirk had put him through. "Come on. Godfather's going to get you a butterscotch and caramel banana split, and Spock is not gonna interfere with his sugar intake report, and I'm going to order you a new set of hair bows..." Nyota reluctantly separated her fingers from Spock's and followed Dr. McCoy into the lift. Spock returned to Captain Kirk's chair and resumed his words just where he had left off, not bothering to explain his actions or Sanaa's situation.

Since the Platonians incident, Kirk had not bothered him very much about familial interruptions while he was on the bridge. Besides, they had not been many. Janice bothered Dr. McCoy in medical bay more than Uhura and the children did Spock on the bridge, combined.

Nyota was in the children's room, surveying them all, before she decided to retire to her own quarters. Styik slept in a laying meditations pose that Spock often laid in, and sometimes did fall asleep in. She touched his long black and gray hair, which poured unto the pillow beneath him. She glanced at his emotions modulator, installed directly next to his bed. She remembered a few years back when he could not function if he went one day without it, and now, the thing might as well have been a nightstand. He had piles of his study material on top of it and if they were not in a dust free environment, she would have guessed that it would be covered in it.

Sytar had been sucking up to Sanaa since they returned to the mess hall. He did not even do what he normally would have done and reach for her banana split. McCoy had tried to give him one, too, but Nyota had refused to allow it and told Sytar that next time he would think twice before being mean to his sister to try to make her upset. Sanaa, having kept up with her own sugar intake ate only a portion of her banana split, then told her mother that Sytar could have what was left. Nyota told him that only because his sister was being so nice would he be able to have the ice cream. Dr. McCoy had sat with them for a little while, explaining to Sytar that as Sanaa's older brother that he was going to have to try to protect his sister from people hurting her, that he himself was not supposed to try to hurt her.

"I was just teasing. I wouldn't let anybody hurt my sister. I would fight them!" Sytar said, almost crying. He did not like the idea of anyone being upset with him, and he seemed to think that Dr, McCoy was upset with him. Styik comforted him about it, and now, he was sleeping soundly, legs spread , and arms sprawled out. Nyota had only his physical features to remind her that he was part Vulcan, because Sytar was the most humanly child that she had.

Then she looked at Sanaa. Sanaa always slept on one side one night, and the other side the next night. It never failed. She had been doing this since she was an infant. Nyota realized it and identified it, because she had slept in a similar way during her pregnancy with the girl. Sanaa had made it difficult for her on most nights, and she slept on one side or the other, not as methodically as Sanaa now did. Also, Sanaa always kept her baby pillow in between her knees, because she had heard someone say once that they had to keep a pillow in between their legs as they slept to help their back. Though Nyota tried to assure Sanaa that her back was just fine and that she didn't need to do this, Sanaa retrieved the pillow that she had slept on during her infancy from a keepsake chest and began to sleep with it tucked in between her little legs.

Sytar shuffled around in his sleep, and ended up on his belly with one of his arms tucked beneath him. Nyota laughed lightly and removed the arm, worried that he might cut off his circulation, but she knew that she could not keep him from making a similar move later. Styik and Sanaa would probably stay in exactly the positions that they were now laying in. Nyota simply watched the three of them sleep, slowly moving about the room to pause to study each of them, repeatedly. The door swooshed open and she saw Spock standing in the doorway in his meditation robes. "Is everything alright?" He asked. She gave the children all another look and nodded her head. "You have been in here for quite some time. I began to become concerned."

She left the room and they went into their own quarters. It had been a while since they did this, but Nyota sat down with Spock on the floor and the two of them began to meditate together. When they were finished, they remained seated on the floor. Nyota spoke first, "Did you think that I was not going to be able to handle it? Have I become so frail?" She asked. Of course, he knew precisely what she was referring to.

He responded, "I simply did not know how to handle the situation. I know that you are strong enough to handle whatever it is that you may find yourself faced with, but that does not stop me from trying to keep you from facing as much harm as I have within my power to do. Our entire relationship has been a series of struggles."

Nyota reached for his hand and said, "That's the story of life. Nobody said it was easy."

He shook his head and told her, "I simply was not aware that it would be so difficult."

She laughed and said, "Neither was I, but I hope that it gets easier over the years. I plan on having you around for a long time."

"No matter what has to be done to ensure that?"

"What kind of question is that, Spock? You think that I would let you die because of something bad that happened to me and to you?" She was annoyed.

He tilted his head and said, "I think that after what happened, a great deal of your behavior became rather unpredictable. We are not certain that your mind frame is prepared for the event."

"What do we need to do to get it prepared?" She asked with determination in her voice.

"I... I do not know."

"Well, I must suggest that you find out," she said, then kissed the back of his hand. "And as soon as you know, let me know... don't let me find out another way."

"I promise you, I shall not make that mistake a second time." Spock said. He rose from the floor, and helped her up. When they were both standing she wrapped her arms around him and swayed for a moment. He recognized this as slow dancing, but there was no music. He stood confused and brought his hands to her face to try to see what she was thinking. Her only thoughts were of some slow song. It was playing in her head just as clearly as though it were playing on a player. He pressed his forehead to hers and listened to the music with her, allowing her to lead him in this dance.

_**Coldplay: The Scientist Lyrics**_

_Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry You don't know how lovely you are. I had to find you, tell you I need you, Tell you I set you apart. Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions, Oh lets go back to the start. Running in circles, Comin' in tails Heads on a science apart. Nobody said it was easy, It's such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy, No one ever said it would be this hard. Oh take me back to the start. I was just guessin' at numbers and figures, Pulling the puzzles apart. Questions of science, science and progress Do not speak as loud as my heart. And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me Oh and I rush to the start. Runnin' in circles, Chasin' tails Comin' back as we are Nobody said it was easy, Oh it's such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy, No one ever said it would be so hard. I'm goin' back to the start._


	16. Reassurance

**Reassurance**

Spock began meditating at some point in the middle of the night. Nyota felt him gently get out of the bed, only because she had been awake for a while, with a slight perspiration kissing her skin. When he arose from the bed, she glanced in his direction and watched him prepare to meditate. She laid in bed, wondering what was keeping her awake. If she did not at least get a few sound hours of sleep, she would be in poor working condition by the time her shift began. Perhaps Spock was keeping her awake. She noticed that sometimes when he could not sleep, the connection in their mind would keep her awake, as well.

"Spock? Were you having trouble sleeping?" She asked, softly. She expected her voice to croak, but it came out as smoothly as if she were at her console. She had been awake for longer than she thought.

"Yes, I am finding it difficult to sleep. Did I disturb you?" He asked, sitting next to her on the bed, with a look of concern on his face.

"No, you didn't," she answered and sat up. She laid her head on his shoulder and said, "I think that I am being kept awake by the connection."

"Disengage," he advised.

"No. I like the fact that we've taken to always being in each other's awareness. I feel better about you than I ever did before." She brushed his hair with her fingers, tenderly. Spock fought back a shudder. It had been so long. He could feel her tiptoeing around in his consciousness, and he did not want her to discover how he was feeling. In fact, he was downright ashamed of himself for the way that he felt tonight. He wanted her. He wanted to claim her, to connect with her physically... he wanted to be inside of her. He suppressed the thoughts.

He told her, "I must meditate. If I have not disturbed you, I recommend that you resume sleeping." She looked into his eyes, as though searching them. He took a deep, measured breath and stared back at her. "Is there a problem, Nyota?"

"You want to have sex." It was not a question. She knew him well enough to know how he looked when his body became taken by urges. Still, he found it difficult to admit these feelings to her. Years before, perhaps, but no longer could he do so.

"I... I must meditate," he repeated. "I would not suggest participating in such an activity." He did not add that he would not touch her, unless she asked him to. But, she would not ask him to, so his statement would be frivolous.

He did not understand why she was not appalled with him for thinking about her in that way. He tried to tell himself that his confusion was illogical. As her husband and rightful mate, he was entitled to her body, was he not? But, that was _before_ everything happened. To think of her that way now was completely disrespectful, was it not? Had she become upset and fussed at him, he would not have found any fault in her whatsoever. She smiled at him, her eyes still searching his, and asked, "What is flying through your mind right now?"

Instead of answering, he stood and continued to get ready to meditate. Nyota got up, as well and headed for the bathroom. He watched her enter the room and instantly noticed that her silken nightgown was plastered to her skin with sweat. He felt himself grow warm. The thought of her skin, covered in sweat, next to his skin... now, he allowed himself to shudder. Perhaps meditating was not going to work. He left the room, completely, still wearing his robe.

Nyota came out of the bathroom and realized that Spock had left. It was just as well. She did not know what was coming over her, but for a moment there, she had almost seduced him... not that that would be _bad, _after all, they were married. It would just be so awkward diving into that, even after all of this time. However, she did think that maybe they should start trying again. Spock only had about two months before he went into Pon Farr, and almost two years had passed since... wait... how long? She checked her PADD and realized that since the attack, it had been one year, seven months, two weeks, and three days, today since the attack, and the same amount of time since the last time she and Spock had sex.

It had not seemed like so long since the attack, though it _did _seem quite long since the last time that they touched. Well, that was a strange perception. Because, on the one hand, it seemed like the attacks had not been very long ago, when she thought about it, it was as troubling as it had been at the time, but when she looked at her life, itself, it seemed that distance had made it's way between her family and the tragedy. Sanaa was three, now, Sytar was going to be six in a few months, and Styik would be fourteen on his next birthday. Had that much time passed?

Of course, she paid ample attention to her children, every single day, but was Styik truly on the verge of being accepted into the Vulcan Science Academy, as was his goal? Was Sytar really not a toddler anymore? Was Sanaa _really _not so small a baby? If it were not for them, she believed that her life might have dragged by after the attacks, but her children made her life breeze by her, without her notice.

She couldn't help but worry about Spock. Dr. Mara had told her that she did not believe that Spock was doing as well as Nyota was. Nyota had felt that he had been doing better than she from the very start, and begged Mara not to suggest that while Nyota was healing, Spock was digressing.

"I am not making a suggestion, Nyota. Spock is not doing well, at all. As a matter of fact, he no longer talks to me. When we have sessions, if I speak about you personally, or your relationship, he answers vaguely, evades the questions, sometimes even goes so far as to tell me that the answer is none of my business..." Mara sighed and said, "Spock is not doing well, Nyota."

"He has been doing quite well!" Nyota practically snapped at the woman.

"No, _you _have been doing quite well, and that has offered him some contentment... but Nyota, surely you have noticed that things have not returned to normal. Surely, you have noticed how unhappy Spock is beneath the surface, despite the fact that he is pleased that you are now doing so well."

Nyota sighed and said, "He is very pleased about me doing better, but I have noticed that he himself seems to be distant. He melds with me, quite regularly, but I feel as though he blocks me out from certain things, and with everything that has happened, I haven't wanted to press the issue."

"Have the two of you been sexual yet?" Dr. Mara asked. "Certainly that's not the most important thing for a relationship, nor to either of you, but given what has happened between the two of you and the progress that you've made, I think that if you two are able to come together, it would probably help him with his insecurities."

"Insecurities?" Nyota repeated with an arched eyebrow. Mara could tell that the information being shared was not going over well with her patient.

Mara asked,"Do you not have theories about why he is not doing well?"

"No. I just told you that I haven't wanted to press the issue." Nyota sighed, suddenly completely frustrated, she asked, "What's your theory?"

Mara tilted her head as she offered her thoughts, "Spock is still holding himself responsible for what happened to you and he can not forgive himself for it. He does not feel that he deserves your forgiveness, either. The fact that he has received it, after wanting it for so long, he now feels that he has been given something that he should not accept, while he has no intention of rejecting it... which probably makes him feel worse. He needs reassurance."

After a quiet pause, and what seemed to be a terrible realization, Nyota finally said,"I thought that my forgiveness would be reassurance." She honestly had believed it, and finding out that this was not the case unsettled her.

Mara tried to reassure Nyota, now, "Reassurance is funny that way... it is sometimes difficult to tell what will reassure someone, especially after a tragedy." She clasped her fingers together and said, "I have no idea what will reassure Spock."

"You have no idea, and yet you suggested sex?"

"I did not suggest sex. I asked you if you have been sexual with each other. I am wondering if it is something that can be scratched off of the list." The two women sat quietly for a while before Mara said, "So, it can remain on the list."

"I'm not ready," Nyota said. "So, if that is something that is going to reassure Spock of anything, it is not going to happen any time soon." She wrung her hands and said, "I know that isn't very supportive of me, but like you said, reassurance can be funny, especially after a tragedy. I am not yet reassured enough to share myself with Spock in that way."

"But, you seem to wholeheartedly think that you will be by the time his Pon Farr arrives?" Mara asked.

Nyota shrugged her shoulders and said, "No, actually, I don't. But, I do know that whether or not I am reassured, I have to be there for him for that time. I don't have a choice."

"If you did, would you choose not to be there for him?" Mara asked.

Nyota sighed and said, "I hope not." The two women sat for a while, then Nyota offered, "I have been having a desire for him, lately. Maybe soon I will be ready to..." She was not even ready to finish the statement.

Christine polished Janice's nails as Nyota entered the McCoy quarters. Nyota tilted her head at the sight and asked, cautiously, "Why are the two of you having a grooming session? What happened?" Janice had a habit of inviting over girlfriends to do each other's hair and make up when she was especially bothered by some other event in her life. Christine looked up at Janice, then back to her assignment. Nyota held both hands out and insisted, "Well?"

Christine sighed and replied, "Janice and Dr. McCoy are getting a divorce."

Nyota nearly fell from standing. She rushed over to a chair at their table and sat down. Janice seemed unaffected, but she knew better. She sighed, kept her eyes studied upon her friend and asked, "What happened?"

Janice let out a shaky sigh and answered, "Therapy."

"Please elaborate," Nyota said, not conscious of how much like Spock she sounded at the moment. If Christine had not been so bothered by the news herself, she might have pointed it out.

Janice took another deep breath and said, "We have been going to therapy to fix what was wrong with us after the Platonian incident. We both just recently discovered that we have both been continuing in this relationship because we thought that it was best for the other person." Janice's voice became almost desperate, "Yo, I don't want to sound negative, because I wouldn't wish anything upon you, but don't you ever feel like Spock is more connected to Leonard and Jim than he is to you?"

She frowned. Of course she thought that, at times. But, that was fairly normal. Many men could connect more easily with their friends than they could their wives... "Janice, if you're bothered by that, you might want to consider not ever being married. It's normal for..."

"Okay, I knew that you wouldn't be bothered by it, but _I _am. I don't like the fact that Jim and Spock know about all of our problems, more often than not, before I do. I don't like the fact that Leonard trusts them with his life, but would find it difficult to do the same with me. I've been thinking about expanding my career. I have been a captain's secretary for eight years, now! I originally was going to try to work in communications. I want to work towards having rank, having positions on board a starship. I can't just be the doctor's wife for the rest of my life."

"Janice, I am sure that Dr. McCoy would be willing to support you in your efforts to further your career," Christine offered. "I work beside him everyday. The man loves you."

"Love hasn't been enough for us. I have been wondering... if someone kidnapped me and kept me captive, torturing me, would Leonard try to come find me? If I was mistaken for dead, would Leonard accept it, or would he keep hope that I'm out there somewhere and diligently seek me out?"

"Of course, he would," Nyota answered, but Christine's comment overshadowed her efforts. Christine had said, "Every man is not Mr. Spock."

Now, Nyota looked at Christine. Christine shrugged her shoulders and shook her head, "It is better that we accept right now that we are not likely to find a husband like yours, and not a love like yours, and that we accept that the love that we do find will be our own and that we accept it as what it is. Love." She looked at Janice now and added, "And you and Dr. McCoy have love."

"It isn't enough," Janice commented.

"It's more than what you will have if you two get divorced," Christine argued.

Janice sat silently for a while. Christine was finished with her nails and she placed her hands in the instant nail drier. Janice looked at Nyota, then and asked, "When you had to take a year off after Sytar's birth, and a year off after Sanaa's birth, how did you feel about that?"

"I hated the time away from the ship, but I cherished the time that I had with my children and my husband. Janice, I am living proof that you can have a career and a family..."

"I can't have a family with Leonard!" She snapped. She pulled her hands from the drier and examined her nails. She sighed, looked apologetically at Nyota and said, "Leonard and I agreed that neither of us wanted to have children when we got married. I felt like I still had a career to work on, and he was scarred from how things occurred with his ex... so we agreed."

"Now, you want a family." Nyota said. It was not a question, but an observation.

"I didn't think that I would, but the time that we spend with Sanaa, and how good he is with her. I just know that he would have been the best father in the world if he had been given a chance. I know that he raised Joanna, but after the divorce, he hardly saw her anymore. Now, he has this stigma, and he is not even willing to consider it. He says _"I have a wonderful daughter and a wonderful goddaughter and you have them too" _But, I want a daughter of my own, someday. Both of those girls will eventually become something great and they will both be able to look upon their lives and the most important woman in them will not be me. Maybe I want that "most important woman in her life" status. Maybe, it's better that Leonard and I are apart, because he never wanted to marry me anyway."

"Janice," both Nyota and Christine started, but she cut them off.

"Ladies, I never told you this, but when Leonard and I broke up, it was because he did not want to marry me. He was content with us dating and sleeping together, and I wasn't. After Sytar was born, and he saw how happy Spock looked with his wife and son, he reconsidered. We remained friends, not sleeping together, but dating, and after I began to see other people and start considering others, then Leonard asked me to marry him. Our engagement was long and drawn out, and our marriage, which has only been the past four years has not seemed solid for one day. We have loved each other, but some part of me knew that he didn't really want to be married, and I just can't live like this anymore."

Nyota did not know what to say. The only thing that came out was, "I thought that the two of you were doing really well. I guess that I've been so at peace lately that I've managed to ignore everyone else. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It hurts, but it's for the best. Maybe one day Leonard might find a woman that he actually wants to marry. As for me, I know that I'll be alright. He is not the first man who let me get away."

Nyota entered the children's room to check on them before retiring. Styik had taken responsibility for them, knowing that she was with her friends and Spock was on the bridge. The younger children were asleep, but Styik was practicing his defensive arts. She noticed that his muscular definition was coming into view as he worked out, shirtless. She smiled at him and said, "You remind me of Vulrak."

"He was my instructor in these arts, Mother," the boy said, "And he shall soon be again. I spoke with him earlier. He is willing to take me under his tutelage again." She nodded and sat down on the edge of his bed. Styik paused and stared at her. "What is the problem, Mother?"

When she did not answer, he sat next to her, on the bed, forsaking his exercise to spend time with her. "I am really going to miss you," she said, sadly.

"Do you need me to stay?" he asked, concerned.

"You need to do what is best for you. God, Styik... if you had remained on New Vulcan, I don't know what I would have done without you when everything happened, but I know that I can't expect you to hang around waiting to be my little hero forever."

"Perhaps that _would _be illogical. However, I will always be your son," Styik said.

"Yes, even if Spock is not always my husband," she said softly and absently.

Styik tilted his head. he felt panicked, but the last couple of years had been dedicated to him refining himself in Vulcan principles of calm. Therefore, he did not show his fear at her comment as he asked, "Is there a possibility that you and Father's relationship will be terminated? I have been under the impression that things were faring well for the two of you."

"I have too, but I found out tonight that Dr. McCoy and Janice are getting a divorce."

"What does that have to do with Father and you?" Styik asked.

"Nothing, really. It just makes me worry about how stable things really are for us, as well. Mara thinks that Spock is doing worse than he was."

"He is not doing worse. He simply has made no further progress. Father's main concern was having you brought to comfort. That has been accomplished. You know how Vulcan he can be. To him, his feelings are irrelevant."

"But, his feelings are relevant to me."

"I know they are. That is why I have been trying to help him sort through them."

Now, she really found herself shocked. Styik smirked, proudly and said, "Did you know that I have the qualifications of knowledge to be a Starfleet xenopsychiatrist?"

"No, I did not!" She said, almost too loud. She smiled and laughed, then asked, "When did you receive these results?"

"This morning, Tirza sent me my results and the statistics of the results of both Dr. Mara and Grandfather Mwinyi, given the same exams, when they were in college. The test that I took is significantly more complicated than the ones that they took, and even their versions have long since been updated and redesigned, therefore, the differences in our results are not a definite comparison..."

"You blew them out of the water, didn't you?"

"I am Vulcan, Mother," was Styik's only response. She laughed and bent over to kiss him on the forehead. He added, "Grandfather Mwinyi did better than Mara did her first time, but she continued to retake the test until she got nearly perfect scoring. She is a very determined human being. That is one of the main reasons that I have trusted you under her care."

"Otherwise, you would have interceded?"

"It would have been necessary that I protect you from incompetence." He stared at her, for a while, then said, "Mother, I think that Father is not going to get any better unless he can resort to Vulcan treatment. He sees all of his human counterparts recovered and flourishing while he is still struggling, and the fact that his mind is closed to the possibility of being helped by a human counselor will actually inhibit him from being treated. Mara is capable. She has the skills and she is seasoned, even in helping Vulcans... but if Father is not going to accept her help, it will be impossible for her to help him."

"She seems to be drawing blanks."

"No, she is merely trying to figure out which step to take next. Xenopsychiatrists credit Vulcans as one of the hardest alien life forms to treat, because so much of Vulcan behavior is based upon logic and control of emotions and thoughts... so much of psychiatric failure is based upon loss of these things. Vulcans, even if we have lost these things, we have it so instilled within us to keep control of them that we can not accept that loss, therefore can not healthfully deal with it." She looked surprised, until he reminded her, "Mother, I think that sometimes you forget where I was when you found me. I have been in an asylum; I have had the opportunity to know these things for a fact, that is why I have been trying to help Father, and most likely why he has been open to my help, despite my inexperience in the field of xenopsychiatry. I love you both. I want both of you happy again." Styik sighed and turned to stare at Sytar's bed, where Sytar and Sanaa both slept.

Nyota placed her arm around Styik and said, "We will be happy again. I believe that with my whole heart, Sugar."

"Mother, do you ever wonder if those two will be alright? If they will grow into proper adults, based upon what they have seen and endured?" He asked.

"Of course, I do. I wonder how you will be when you grow up as well. I imagine all of you will make me very proud."

"I don't want to have any children," Styik said.

Nyota observed, "But, you are so good with children."

"No, I am good with my brother and sister." Styik corrected.

"You are good with Suzak, too. You will probably be good with Tazar when you get back to New Vulcan, as well," Nyota guessed.

"They are my cousins," Styik said. Technically, they weren't. Suzak was Spock's brother Sybok's son, and Tazar was the daughter of the Elder Spock, but Styik found it easier to call both of him his cousins, rather than try to identify them technically. "I am eager to learn what type of child Tazar has become, being the child of two logical Vulcans – one half human, the other considered tainted by emotionalism. It should be interesting to study her functioning capability." The statement caused Nyota to laugh.

Spock was not back to their quarters by the time Nyota entered. She wondered if he planned on coming in that night. After washing herself up, she went to bed, deciding that he probably was not going to come home. That thought hurt her. She truly wanted to see him tonight. She wanted him to hold her, even kiss her. She wanted him... or did she? She could not say for sure. Some nights, she wanted him so badly that she ached for him, but just as quickly as the desire entered her mind, worry entered her mind. Honestly, she did not know if her love was strong enough to be with him again.

Eventually, he came into the room and went into the bathroom. When he came out, he climbed into the bed and laid down. He did not touch her, nor did he come close to her. Nyota sighed and rolled over to face him. "Spock?"

"Yes, Nyota?"

"Have you talked to Dr. McCoy today?"

"Of course. Dr. McCoy and I were both in the landing party for our mission today."

"No, I mean about his divorce." Spock looked at Nyota and sighed. He did not answer. She said, "Well, Janice invited me over after my session with Mara, after work. When I got there, Chris was there, grooming Janice, so I knew that something was wrong. They told me that Janice and Leonard are getting a divorce."

"Dr. McCoy has mentioned the fact that he is getting another divorce. It did not seem to be an issue of great concern. It seemed to be a mutual and logical agreement between two parties." His casual approach was nothing surprising. Spock was Vulcan, and did not react to issues the same as humans might, but still... the thought of the McCoy's parting made Nyota very conscious about the problems that she and Spock had been having. Had he even noticed? Did he think that because she was better that their relationship was fine? She did not know what to think of him. Their couple's therapy had been focused mostly around her. Each time Mara tried to focus on Spock, he found some way to turn the topic back to Nyota. She had not even realized it until Mara mentioned it.

"She seemed upset." Nyota claimed.

Spock replied, "I understood that she initially suggested the course of action."

"But, she's still upset that things turned out this way." Nyota said, her voice growing somewhat desperate. Spock noted the change in her tone. There was something bothering her, but he did not know what it was. He did wonder what it had to do with the McCoy's. Human marriages, like Vulcan marriages involved only two people. It did not seem prudent or appropriate for other persons to involve themselves in such matters. He understood that humans spoke of their problems among friends, as had just been proven by both Janice and Dr. McCoy speaking of their upcoming divorce with their friends, but beyond those parameters, Spock had no desire nor intention of furthering the conversation.

"Why are we discussing this?" He asked.

"Sometimes, learning other people's problems makes us have to examine our own. I'm worried about us, and about you." She sat up and peered into the darkness at him. "Are you happy with me, Spock?" She reached over to touch his face. She couldn't see him, but she knew that if she could feel his face, she would be able to imagine how he looked. His face was blank. If he would tell her that his happiness was irrellevant, she would understand the answer to be no. If he would tell her that her happiness was what counted, she would understand that to be no, I am not happy, but I love you. But, he was not saying anything, and she interpreted that to mean anything. At this point, she no longer knew what to think. "Spock?"

"Nyota, please do not question me about this," he finally said.

"Computer, lights." When the lights came on, Nyota climbed out of the bed and rushed into the bathroom. Spock sat up and sighed. He had hurt her by not answering the question. He had not intended to do so. In fact, the thought of hurting her anymore, ever made him literally feel sick. His stomach began to spin and he silently cursed his human genes for the effect.

Spock stood and went to the door of the bathroom. "Nyota? May I enter the room?"

"I'll be out shortly, Spock," she said. Her voice seemed pleasant. There were no traces of hurt, whatsoever. Being married to a Vulcan was changing her more and more all of the time. He waited on her to emerge from the room, and when she did, he froze.

Nyota had slipped into one of his previously favorite articles of clothing – a jade green silk nightie, which barely covered her intimate areas. She had allowed her wavy hair to fall to her shoulders, and she appeared to have done something to enhance her skin. Her skin was flawless, and yet, she had done something which improved it. Spock stepped backwards, seemingly alarmed when she emerged. She wrapped her arms around his waist and asked, "What can I do to make you happy?"

"It..." he lost words as he looked into her dark brown, liquid eyes. She was so beautiful that he found himself speechless, even if only for a moment. "It is not a matter of you making me happy. I simply find that I have yet to receive proper treatment for my trauma."

"You want to have one of those Vulcan emotional treatments, don't you?"

"I believe that the treatment would be effective."

"There may be other things that could help you," she said. He knew from the slight hint of teasing in her voice what she was alluding to, but he needed to hear it from her lips.

He looked into her eyes and asked, "What are you referring to, Nyota?"

She took a deep breath, broke eye contact and tried to catch her heartbeat, before her heart leaped up out of her throat. Spock began to back away from her, discouraged by her hesitation, but she held him tightly and looked at him again, "Make love to me, Spock." She maintained eye contact as a flurry of emotions flashed through his eyes. "Spock." When she said his name, he collected himself and shielded off his doubts. They were still there, but he had them shielded. "Spock, make love to me."

"I cannot," he said. "I am sorry." Spock pulled her arms from around him and began getting dressed.

"Where are you going?" She asked, her voice shaking a bit more than she would have liked.

"I am going to return to the bridge," Spock said.

"Why?" She asked, shaking even more, now.

"Because, I am uncomfortable in this room..." She practically pounced on him and began to attack him with kisses. Spock felt as though he could not breathe. His desire for her was extremely strong. He wanted her very badly, but did she really want him? He did not believe so. The last thing that he wanted was to have her again, if she did not truly want him. He pushed her off of him, gently, but she would not let up and the desperate look in her eyes softened him immensely. "Nyota, please..."

"Please? Please?" She bit her lip and held her head with her hands. She folded her arms and glared at him, "All of those months that I wouldn't let you near me, I had to look at you and see that wounded longing in your eyes and know that I was causing it and resent myself for not being emotionally able to help you. Now, you plead with me... NOT to touch you?" She dropped her hands, shook her head and waved both of her hands at him, "Go. Go ahead and leave, Spock." She sat down on the bed, hurting even more than she had been when she retreated into the bathroom to change. He could not leave her in that condition. He could not, but he did not know what to do.

He kneeled in front of her and said, "I want you, Nyota. I do not want to have you if you do not truly want me."

She took another deep breath. She could not vow that she truly did want him. Instead, she said, "Make love to me." He nodded his head.

At this point, the best thing to do was to acquiesce, rather he wanted to do it this way or not. Nyota's contentment was more important than his own, and if she believed that this would please her, he wanted to try to please her. He tried to focus himself on the task at hand. this would be difficult for him, to ignore the fact that she may be making a mistake, not to think about what has taken place between them in the past, regarding their sex life, a number of other things that currently were trying to convince him that this choice would be illogical and possibly more problematic. However, she _did _ask, he did want her, and he wanted to reassure her. Hopefully, this would not be a mistake. Hopefully, he could receive from reassurance from this, as well...


	17. Naked Interaction

**Naked Interaction**

Spock was nervous. He had not been this nervous the first time that they had made love. In fact, he recalled being excited and eager to do so. He recalled a triumphant exhilaration in knowing that he was on the verge of receiving an honor which he had been fantasizing about for years. Now, it had been almost two years since the last time he triumphed this way, and he had never been so nervous. if he had, his current nervousness made him forget a time when he was previously nervous.

Nyota nuzzled her nose against the side of his face and forced herself to try not to think of any of their problems, or struggles, or pain of the past. Right now, she simply needed to enjoy this, to enjoy him, to feel him enjoy her. They did not just want each other, she believed that they both genuinely needed this. She could tell that he was intimidated by the moment, so she decided to relieve him of some of his stress. If he could relax, some, perhaps this would go smoothly.

It would have been illogical not to touch her, Spock had decided. Hesitantly, he reached out for her and she reached for him. She allowed her fingertips to meet his fingertips. She gasped, slightly at the desire that she felt from him. Spock took a deep breath and allowed himself a pleasant shudder at the sensations she caused him with this tiny exchange. He pressed himself against her and stared into her eyes. "I belong to you," she whispered.

"I love you," he told her. That statement had the same effect that it always had on her, the few times that she was allowed to hear it – she thought that she might melt. She kissed him tenderly on the lips and he admitted, "I yearn for you, Nyota."

She took both of his hands into hers and pulled him onto the bed with her. They were now seated next to each other and she softly pressed her hands onto his chest until he stopped naturally resisting and laid down on the spot where he had been sitting. She climbed on top of him and lifted his arms above his head. His brain immediately thought of him holding her in a similar position, right before he was forced to violate her. She saw anguish on his face. She could sense it in their bond, too. Not knowing the cause, she simply wished to get him past it.

Nyota began to stroke Spock's fingers, with her own fingertips, which she noticed caused him to writhe ever so slightly, beneath her. Good. This was a good sign. He enjoyed this touch. She knew that his hands were especially sensitive, but she found herself embarrassed to admit that she never really placed much of an emphasis on them. She generally catered to his human desires. She knew that appealing to his Vulcan side might be more effective on tonight. She kissed his forehead, his human side could use some pampering, too.

Spock let out a deep sigh as her lips came into contact with his flesh. As she trailed kisses down his temple, to his jawline, across his cheek, onto his lips, she also traced her fingers from the tips of his fingers, down his palms, his wrists, and forearms, and back up to clasp their hands together.

Their lips met and Nyota playfully entered her tongue into this action. Spock was careful to keep his arms exactly where she had them. She could feel his body grow hotter beneath her as she slid her hands away from his and moved them underneath his shirt. She rubbed his chest and abdomen. His body rose and fell at the feeling of her hands and his breath hardened by her touch alone. Compiled with the other advantages of this interaction, he was shocked that he had kept himself composed. He made no attempt, whatsoever to reach for her, at all.

He allowed her to move his shirt, then he returned to laying down, now with his arms outstretched on either side of him. She kissed his lips, once more, then his chin, down to his neck and further down to his chest. As she moved against him and rubbed her nose gently through his chest hairs, Spock became extremely tense, fighting to keep himself controlled. Now, Nyota noticed and reached out to tease his fingertips with hers as she rolled her hips against him. "Why are you resisting?" She asked him, curiously. Him resisting made it more difficult for her to keep this up. She wanted this, but at the same time, she was just as scared as he was.

"I am merely attempted to allow you to control all of our actions," he confessed.

"Meld with me," she said, softly. She traced her fingers from his hands back to his chest and watched him expectantly. She could hardly believe the trembling of his fingers as he reached towards her. She took a deep breath and Spock paused. There it was again, that discouraging hesitation, that split second that made him doubt the authenticity of her desires. She reached for his hand and manually placed his fingers in the proper form for them to meld. "When we first melded after the incident, you asked me not to hold back. Now, I am asking you. Don't hold back. Share it with me." He nodded once and sparked the connection in their minds.

Nyota gasped at the turmoil that just had been unleashed upon her. God, Spock felt so guilty! He had been at peace, momentarily, after their first meld, but then, he had realized that (in his mind), he had essentially gotten away with hurting the last person that he would ever wish to hurt. He had damaged his comfort through all sorrows. He had agonized the mother of his children. He had forcefully violated the woman that he swore to protect with all of his being. He had failed her, and she had forgiven him! Why had she forgiven him? How could she ever love him again?

_"The best way to combat hate is with love." She showed him the moments with him which she cherished the most. These were the reasons that she could never stop loving him. These were the reasons which she had forgiven him, aside from the fact that she knew in her heart that he had not attacked her – he was merely the tool of an attack. For him to have been her attacker, it would have had to have been him attacking her willingly. He had not attacked her willingly. He had been forced to attack her. He held no control over attacking her. Although he continued to hold himself responsible, she knew that he was not. He was no rapist. He was no monster. He was Spock. Her lover. Her husband. The father of her children. Her friend. Her mentor. Her partner... there were a number of classifications which she fit him into and among them there was no rapist, no attacker, no monster. Certainly, at one point in time, it was difficult for her to separate him from the attack, to separate the tool from the villain, but it was now accomplished. There was no reason to resent him any longer, and she was ashamed that she had ever resented him in the first place. _

_Spock would never hurt her. If he had been given the choice – if a weapon was held to him or he was in a position to choose between certain death and hurting her, certain death would have been his fate, but he had not been given a choice. He had been used. He himself had been raped. He himself had been forcibly entered and overpowered. He himself had been opened without permission and victimized. She had not realized how similar his feelings were to her own, and certainly not how much more it hurt him that she had been hurt by him. She had thought that his pain through the initial attack was unbearable, the pain that he was subjected to afterwards was even greater._

Spock thought about how he felt when Nyota would jump anytime that he was near her, how he felt when he would catch someone watching the two of them pretend that the other was not present, how he felt when he came home and she would not acknowledge him. He felt more than ever that this was his fault, that she blamed him, and that he should have protected her better. He was determined to try to protect her more. He became so overprotective of her to the point that he felt as though his heart may explode when he did not know for sure exactly where she was and when he did not have a visual on her to ensure that she was, indeed, safe.

When he went on away missions, he felt tortured not being able to push further into her mind via their link to confirm that she was safe. Coming back on board from each mission, the first action he would perform would be to have the computer locate her and to make a quick visual once he found where she was, to see that she was there and that she was alright. She had never known that he had been checking on her, silently. She had not known that he worried about her each moment that they were apart. She knew that he was hurting, and that he wanted things to be better between them, but she had no idea how deeply her treatment towards him had cut.

She felt herself crying. Spock stared into her eyes and wiped her tears. "I'm sorry, Spock," she said. She kissed his hand and shook her head, "I was so unfair to you."

"You responded in a natural way, dealing with a sexual assault. I do not fault you for any of my punishments."

"Don't you understand? You never deserved a punishment. You were wrongly punished... and I made the choice to do that to you!"

"It is over, now... is it not?" He asked, severely concerned by the sorrow he had caused her in fully sharing his feelings.

"It is over. I will never punish you again. I will never treat you wrongly. I will always handle you with love."

_She had always known that he loved her deeply, but many times, her mind and heart found it difficult to measure the depth of his love. Only times like these, when he shared the unabridged version of himself through their link could she ever know. She should have melded with him when he initially wished to. If she had, she could have spared him and herself, and their children a great deal of pain and suffering. But it was too late for that. Now, all that she could do was think of their future as husband and wife, and their future as lovers._

She leaned down to kiss his ears and he finally allowed his hands to venture to her body, willingly. He massaged her buttocks, slightly as she rocked him to a partial erection. She could hear him whispering words which she only learned since the founding of New Vulcan, words from the ancient Vulcan dialect, which the Vulcan of passion resurrected back into the Vulcan language. He leaned up towards her, switching roles; he began to devour her ear and speak breathily into it as he did. "My Amorak (sacred temple), korsovaya (salvation), ha'su (angel)..." She quivered hearing the words flow from his lips, in his language, in his deep rich voice. His voice alone could have moistened her, but combined with the words that he was speaking, and the emotion in his words, she found it difficult not to erupt into completion. Religion was no field of interest or substance for Spock, so his usage of the words were to indicate to her a description that she could relate to, in order to describe her importance to him. He considered _her _his firm foundation.

Vulcan practices and principles of logic be damned! Perhaps these things kept him rooted enough to control his emotional behavior, but only she could actually control his emotions, themselves. Only she could bring about, change, delete and resurrect his emotions. Only she could provide him the comfort of a safeguard, of a savior, of a safe haven. She was everything that he needed, as well as desired. He could not ask for more. Once, when he and Nyota had been dating, a bartender suggested that with a woman like her, he had everything he could want. At the time, Spock had found it highly illogical. Now, the suggestion seemed to make perfect sense. No, it did not _seem _to make sense; it _did _make sense. It made perfect sense. He told her, "You are everything that I could ever want or need." He nearly included _"with the exception of water, air, sustenance and logic", _but knew that those items needed not mentioning and doing so would most likely distract her, just as the thoughts were distracting him. He centered his thoughts to reiterate, "You are my everything." His hands slid up and down her back, from the small of her back, up to her shoulders, then down again.

"You are my one and only," she told him, "All of me belongs to you, and only you. I am yours and yours alone, and you are mine, and mine alone." Spock urgently reached for her nightie, nearly tearing the thin, fragile fabric, suddenly desperate, craving most frantically to see her naked form. She beat him to the action, as it was easier for her to remove the garment, from her position than it was for him. When he finally looked upon her bare skin, his urgency briefly subsided. He merely gazed at her, admiring every inch of the image.

Certainly, he had not forgotten how she looked, but he had become so far removed from the physical image before him that his mind was unprepared for the rushing waves of emotions – of gratitude, of unworthiness in her presence, of pride that she chose him, of lust for her, the desire to devour her in every way possibly, of anticipation, of astonishment, of sheer and utter joy! Yes, she had taught him the meaning of joy, the feeling of joy, and this was definitely joy. She was the essence of his joy.

His strong gentle hands went into her hair and he massaged her scalp, which she found surprisingly alluring. His massage traveled down the back of her neck, down her back, across her buttocks and down to her thighs. She shuddered in response, which provoked jolts of pleasure for his sensitive fingers. She began to writhe and that caused his swelling erection to pounce painfully within his pants. As his hands traveled further down her legs and made their way to her feet, she grasped at the waistband of his pants. He released her, temporarily, so that she could remove his pants.

He had forgotten the exuberance associated with the expectation of her giving herself to him. The fact that her surrender was genuine only elevated his elation. His doubts were assuaged with each kiss from her. Her boldness increased as his resistance staggered. She crawled the short distance to his face and almost as soon as she was within reach of his mouth, he grabbed her and claimed her with his tongue. Her taste was even more exquisite than he recalled. She rocked gently against his mouth. Her legs became mush and she fell onto the bed beside him. Not missing any beats, he rolled over, never allowing his lips to leave her center.

Nyota wrapped her legs around Spock's face and he made love to her with his mouth. She grinded against him, so close to exploding that her heartbeat pounded in her ears with the rush of blood flooding through her veins. Spock gently grazed his teeth across her area, and she lost it! Teeth, Spock? Teeth? For whatever reason, she could not handle the teeth and let out a shrill howl as she climaxed into his receptive, eager mouth. Shivering, she tried to catch her breath. Spock gently laid her on her back and kissed her from where he was, up her belly, swirling circles with his tongue along the way. She was still numb from the first orgasm, but a quick melding touch, and her desire was ignited again, to match his own.

He trailed kisses all the way back to her lips, then stared into her eyes questioningly. If she decided that she was not ready, that this had been enough, he would desist from his course of actions. He was determined to do exactly as she wished. She touched his cheek and said, "Be gentle, and hold me. I don't want it rough, and I don't want to be tossed around. I'm not quite ready for that, okay?"

"Anything that you wish, Nyota." She gave him a small, toothless grin. He took a deep breath and clarified, "Do you wish for me to proceed in the manner which you have outlined to me?"

"Yes." She answered, while also nodding.

He studied her face for a moment. She was so nervous that it made him worry. If she was not truly ready, he could possibly undo her progress. He proceeded slowly, even slower than she expected or imagined. She could tell, he was afraid. She reached down, for him and took him in her hands. Almost urgently, definitely more urgently than he, she slid him inside of her and took a deep breath as she did. Spock's eyes shut as he relished the invitation. He wrapped both of his arms around her and she wrapped both her arms and her legs around him. The two came together, somewhat awkwardly, at first, but it did not take them long to discover their former groove with each other.

Their breaths, their pulses, their movements, their thoughts, their feelings, and their longing need matched each others perfectly. Spock pressed his forehead to hers as he thrust inside of her, reminding himself to move slowly, to be gentle. He wanted to speed up, but he did not want to alarm her. As she felt his desire, she sped up her movements, and allowed him to match her speed. They were one. Spock kissed her again, then buried his face in her neck. He held his control, with much struggle, and brought her to another orgasm. He selected that time to release his own and poured into her, delightfully. They stilled.

Spock laid his head on the bed, right next to her neck and she laid, very still, still breathing hard, for several moments before she unwrapped her legs from around him and stroked her hands up and down his back. He let out a tiny moan and nuzzled his face back into her neck. He brought his arms from around her body to rest at his sides. "Spock?" She called to him gently. He simply looked up at her face to see concern in her eyes. He worried for a moment that he had made a mistake, that she was going to point out to him what he did wrong and why it was wrong. Instead, she asked, "When you thought of killing yourself, did you ever stop to think of how that would affect me?"

He tilted his head and said, "At the time, it seemed that it would have stopped me from causing you additional pain."

"Then, what would I have done? You would have been gone and not only would I have still been hurt, but I never would have gotten you back. And what would the children have done with me losing it the way that I did and with you dying?" She asked. He had not thought about any of that at the time. This realization surprised and frightened him. His logic had failed him on that day. He had no response. She finished, "I do not want you to go before me. I have to go first," she said.

Spock did not like to discuss the possibility of her death. It was most likely that if he was not killed on some type of mission that she would die before him. He hated that thought, although she enjoyed cementing it as the only possible future for them. Spock said, "I prefer that we are together for as long as both of our bodies shall endure."

"If so, then I will go first. When you leave this ship on your missions, be extra careful. Make sure that you always come back to me." She said, squeezing him tightly.

"I shall certainly try," he said, knowing that he could not promise her that he would never die while in the line of duty, but not wishing to spoil their moment with any of his logic. She was not in a logical mood. Something was taking place within her, and he knew that logic was not at all involved in it.

"I don't want us to fight anymore, either. If we ever have another problem, no matter how big, we need to meld and sort it out from the start," she said. He nodded his head. That was always his intention, with the tragedy. It was what she had claimed she needed from him in the past, and he tried, but she had refused. Now, she had reconsidered her evocation of the practice. So... logic was involved. "And if I ever misinterpret your emotions, grab me by the shoulders, shake me and make me meld with you to see the truth." But, only so much logic, apparently. She laughed at the stunned look on his face. _Of course, he would never agree to such a course of action. _"Or, beg me to let you. You could actually say "I love you", more often than when there has been a crisis."

He frowned."I have tried. My logic does not permit me to do so unless my emotional state is greatly shaken. I apologize. I assure you that I have made this statement as many times as I could manage." For a moment, he looked truly sad. Nyota kissed him on the tip of his nose.

"I know. I was just teasing," she said, purposefully bumping her hips against him. Spock sat up and looked at her. She smiled and said, "You know, I think I handled the _slow and easy_ pretty well." He nodded, in agreement. "Perhaps next we can work on the _nice and steady_?"

"We can do whatever it is that you wish, Nyota." Spock said, not trying to hide the delight growing across his calm facial features.

"Nice and steady," she said, rubbing her moisture against his growing erection. Spock, now pushed himself into her.

A hurdle had been leaped. A path had been forged towards their future. He finally felt content as he pounded her, not too gently, but not hard – but nice and steady, just as she had requested. He hoped that she would remain in these spirits for a time. He could do this all night, if permitted. He playfully grasped her breasts and she gasped and laughed, a little. "I missed this. I missed you," he told her. She simply smiled and pushed up against him, increasing their speed.

_After hours of restarting, in new positions, at new paces, Nyota finally felt herself succumbing to exhaust. She collapsed on top of Spock after her... what was that the sixth orgasm in one night?_

"Seventh," Spock confirmed, fully engulfed in her thoughts. _Seventh! Amazing. She was tired, even dizzy and so sore that she could not even fathom getting up within a few hours to have a full day's work. That would be difficult, but this was worth it._

"Indeed," Spock said, collecting her into his arms. He kissed her on the forehead and said, "You should try to receive at least a portion of sleep." But, the words had barely escaped his lips before he heard her breathing change to one of sleep. He held her tenderly. He could hardly believe that he felt the way that he did. How could such an act – an act that he once thought to be trivial. An act that he once believed to be a necessary action for procreation, and an illogical means of entertainment otherwise – how could this have changed him so greatly within a matter of hours?

"Because you shared it with me," he heard her voice say. He looked at her face. While resting, she was still connected to his thoughts. She was asleep, but speaking... something that she had done before he even knew her. Something that he enjoyed each time, as he discovered that she dreamed of him that way. The first time he heard her say "I love you", she had been speaking in her sleep, on his lap. He kissed her forehead, again. He loved her too, more than he had the vocabulary to describe, in any language.

Nyota awoke to the feeling of little hands pulling her covers. Sytar and Sanaa! Her eyes flew open and she froze upon observing the situation. Spock seemed to have awakened right as she did, and Sytar and Sanaa were both pulling on their covers! Nyota gasped and Sytar explained, "Mother, you were exposed. We were trying to shield your nakedness."

She was still rendered silent; however, Spock replied, "That was quite prudent of both of you." Nyota knew that her face was bright red cinnamon and her eyes even burned from her risen temperature.

Sytar went on to say, "I know that married people sometimes occupy themselves with naked interaction, but it would be wise of you to dress yourselves next time. If an emergency occurred during your sleep, you would be obligated to choose between leaving your quarters exposed or dressing during an emergency. It is safest to dress before falling to sleep."

_Naked interaction? She buried her face in Spock's chest. They were already caught, she may as well._

Spock said, "That is a wise suggestion, Sytar. Would you and your sister please step outside and allow your mother and I to recover from our unfortunate current state?"

"Yes," Sytar answered. As soon as the door swooshed behind the children, Nyota blurted out laughter into Spock's chest hairs. She looked up at his face to see him amused, as well, despite his calm.

"Naked interaction!" She repeated.

"Do you think that he may be in need of a discussion about such interactions?" Spock asked.

"He's not even six yet!" She cried out.

"He has the understanding for the knowledge. He probably has read about sexual reproduction on his own. He has an extended interest in reading topics, and I somehow believe that he might be interested enough in male/female interaction to have come across the available information..."

"When did your father speak about it?" Nyota wondered.

"When I was seven, after my kahs'wan, and before I was bonded to T'Pring."

"Well, maybe when he's seven... I am so embarrassed... and tired. I can not believe that we both allowed that to happen."

Spock justified, "We were still in tuned, even in our sleep. I'm afraid that I did not consult my internal clock."

"I generally have one in the morning. Most of the time, I wake up in time enough to greet the children when they come in here."

"We must issue out a new rule that they do not enter this room unannounced."

"It's something that they began doing when you were gone. They knew that it made me happy if I could wake up and see their faces, so they tried to always be here when I wake up."

"That was quite considerate of them; however, that time has passed. I am pleased that only you were exposed to them, and no doubt, only a portion of your body that they have both used for nursing purposes. In the future, we may not be so fortunate, should they venture inside unannounced."

"You are absolutely right," she said, trying to shake the thought of the children catching Spock and she in an even more embarrassing setting. Spock climbed out of bed and put on some clothes. Nyota remained laying down. "I'm skipping breakfast. I should eat, but I am too drained to move from this spot, right now."

"I can bring you something," he suggested.

"Would you, please?" She asked and almost immediately, she was asleep again. Spock left the room to escort the children to breakfast. Nyota could rest until he returned with her food. As soon as he came out of the room, he noticed Styik had joined his younger siblings. Both of his sons were smiling, while Sanaa remained unemotional. Spock cleared his throat and began to walk. They followed.

Nyota yawned once again and Spock glanced at her, reflexively, again. She smiled, knowingly, again, and Spock lifted an eyebrow, with amusement in his eyes as he faced his science station, again. Kirk had been watching this happen since Nyota stiffly walked onto the bridge. Kirk had asked her if she was okay, and she commented, "I think that I did something to my hip last night." At that time, Spock had not turned to face her, but Kirk noticed that Spock seemed to be suppressing a smirk. Then, the little exchanges. Kirk stared at them, befuddled, as well as intrigued. They were acting strangely, both of them. By the fourth time that they did the yawn/glance/smile/eyebrow routine, Kirk let out a gasp.

Not only Nyota and Spock, but Chekov and Sulu all turned to face the captain at his little noise. "Is something wrong, Captain?" Spock asked. Kirk laughed, lightly, and waved a hand. Spock turned to face his science station again, but Nyota kept her eyes on Kirk. When Kirk looked back at her, he teasingly rubbed his two fingers across each other, to taunt her. He knew! She pressed her lips together and faced her own station, to which, Kirk laughed again. When the others faced him that time, they simply decided it was nothing again and turned away, but not Spock. Not this time. Spock looked at him blankly, and Kirk looked back at him knowingly. Now, the smirk was not suppressed. It simply appeared across Spock's mouth. He glanced at his wife, lifted an eyebrow, then turned to face his station again.


	18. Goodbyes

**Goodbyes**

_Janice smirked at Nyota as she filled a bag with what she called "Sex All Night" products. "If you haven't noticed, he has been mighty testy lately. It was acceptable when you were having your issues, but you're so much better now that now it doesn't make any sense for him to behave the way that he is. Hopefully with a gentle little push from me and a bag of goodies, you can loosen him up." Janice paused and studied Nyota with some concern on her face, "You... are ready to do this, aren't you?"_

"_I have to. This is the last chapter. I'm ready for all of this to just be a story of my past. Everything else in my life has fallen back into place. Spock and I need this... wait... What is that?" She pointed to a ring like object that Janice was studying._

_Janice smiled, tossed it into the bag and answered, "It's a vibrating ring. He puts it around his shaft and it makes him turn into a vibrator."_

"_We don't need that!" Nyota practically shrieked._

_Janice laughed, "This isn't intended for the two of you. You're not the only one with relationship issues." Nyota stood, frozen for a moment, then shuddered and shook her head and covered her face with both hands._

"_How can I ever look at Doc the same again with the thought of the two of you with that ring..." She shuddered again. "I don't want..." She sighed. Janice laughed and asked, "You mean to tell me that you've never thought about Leonard that way? Not even when he's pouring on the charms? I'm insulted."_

"_Why would I think about your husband in a sexual manner, Janice?"_

"_Because he's sexy. I've thought about Mr. Spock a time or two." Janice admitted._

"_That's different. Now, we're talking about Spock."_

"_See, there's the insult again. What are you trying to say about my Leonard?"_

"_I am very happy with Spock and only Spock, in my heart, mind, and body... as you should be with Dr. McCoy," Nyota reminded her._

_Janice looked off into the distance. "I'm trying," she confessed._

Nyota had left it alone. Maybe she should have offered some other assistance. Maybe she should have tried to be a better friend, a friend to speak up for Janice and Leonard and encourage them to stay together, to work out their issues. Now, she was sitting next to Janice, seated across from Dr. McCoy, watching them throw their relationship away. Nyota felt her heart all but shatter. She and Kirk exchanged glances, both sad, but content in being a support system for their friends. Dr. McCoy seemed to be attentively focused on a spot on the table. Kirk was trying not to look around the room too much, but found himself exchanging glances with Nyota, often. He was relieved that she was here to share this discomfort with him. He wished that neither of them had to be there fro this, but was happier with her there than he would have been without her there.

Nyota kept evaluating the meaning of all of this. Was this even really happening? Would Janice and Leonard be officially apart by the time they left this conference room? She kept thinking about other things... the way that Janice always stood up for her relationship with Spock. Janice fought for Spock and Nyota when they themselves had seemingly given up the fight, allowing their emotions to jeopardize things between them, allowing their tragedies to interfere with their joy...

_There was shore leave shortly before the first time Spock and Nyota made love for the first time, again. Christine and Janice pulled Nyota into a spa. Christine and Janice had themselves treated, and they signed Nyota up for several different treatments. They insisted that Nyota was supposed to float out of the building. She was given the royalty treatment against her wishes, but she had to admit that she loved it. It reminded her of the times that she had been treated to spas after particularly hard performances when she was a member of dance companies out of Africa._

_She had not been to a spa in thirteen years and that one was simply divine! The inhabitants of the planet all seemed to be tremendously gorgeous women, therefore the women of the Enterprise had been scanning the stores to find beauty supplies that they could. While they were doing that, Janice decided that if they could find a spa that they'd be ahead of the beauty game than the other ladies. They could purchase products __**after **__they were too hot to handle, she explained._

_The three ladies indulged in facials, massages, manicures, pedicures, and while Nyota was taken to some other skin programs, Janice and Christine elected to get themselves authentic sun tans. Neither of them had the opportunity to get a real suntan in years! Nyota was given an intensive skin treatment which involved her entire body being scrubbed with exfoliating mineral crystals, soaked in moisturizing vitamins, and glazed lightly with a skin balm that enhanced the gleam of the skin and brought out the body's natural scent. After the treatment, Nyota honestly felt like she might float._

_When she met her two friends again, they both exclaimed, "You look amazing!" Nyota thought that the two of them were beautiful, too, but she knew that she was radiant, if how she felt was any indication. She was beaming, glowing... she wanted Spock to see her this way. She wanted to see his reaction. She looked at Janice and said, "You really are the best friend that I could have!" She gave Janice a hug, which Janice brushed off._

"_What? You wouldn't go all out for me? Tsk, right! Hell, I learned to be a good friend from you, Uhura."_

Nyota did not feel like such a good friend today. How did she let this happen? Of course, as Janice had pointed out, it was not up to her to do something about the McCoy marriage, but she felt that she could have at least talked more to Janice. She had sat and watched while two of her closest friends ripped their own hearts out. She had been so consumed by her problems with Spock...

Janice had been involved in trying to help Nyota and seemingly, her own marriage suffered for it. Janice kept telling her that the problems were all her own, but Nyota felt partially responsible. She had been too supportive of Janice's decision to get a divorce, but wasn't she supposed to be supportive?

Nyota thought that Janice would have had Christine there with her. After all, Christine had been her maid of honor and was her best friend for years. That had changed though. Nyota noted that even though Janice had not been attacked by the Platonians, Janice's life had been affected just as badly as any of the other's. This was an effect. Nyota was sure of it. Mara had been so successful with Nyota, with Spock, with Kirk, and somewhat with the McCoys, but this was proof that none of them could ever go back to the way that they were. Janice simply credited the divorce as "something that was bound to happen eventually". Nyota saw it as a scar from the attack.

Dr. McCoy signed the PADD and pushed it towards the arbitrator. Jim was grateful that he did not have to handle any divorces. He thought that weddings were stressful! Bones looked ten years older than he normally did, despite his insistence that he was fine. When all was said and done, Janice outstretched her hand and for the first time in years addressed him as "Dr. McCoy." She said nothing else. She did not have to, and she could not if she wanted to. She found that any other words were caught in her throat. She had no idea that it would hurt so much, but she believed that this was what they both needed and what they truly wanted, despite their years together.

McCoy winced at the title, then stared at her expectant hand for a while before accepting her handshake. "Yeoman Rand," he said. She forced a smile, nodded politely, loosened her hand, bowed graciously at Jim, then squeezed Nyota's hand and began to leave.

Nyota threw a hug around Dr. McCoy's neck and squeezed him tightly. He shuddered into the hug, about ready to fall apart, but Nyota soon unhanded him. She wished to console him, but Janice may need her. Nyota squeezed Bones' shoulders, then caught up with Janice.

McCoy watched as Nyota and Janice locked arms and Janice laid her head on Nyota's shoulder. Janice generally felt better after shows of affection. He had no idea that it would hurt so much to realize that he would no longer be the foremost source of those affections. For the first time since they gathered on that day, McCoy turned to Kirk. His eyes were glazed over, and his face was filled with pain. "She's gone, Jim," he said. Kirk placed his hands on Bones' shoulders, much like Nyota had and he squeezed them, too. He did not really know what to do, so he tried to do what he saw her do. It actually seemed to help, but he knew that at this point, there was nothing that anyone else could do to help. It was official. Janice was no longer Leonard McCoy's wife.

Kirk laid on his stomach brushing his fingers back and forth across the floor of Mara's bed chamber. She was moving about, getting prepared to leave the ship and he was simply laying on her bed, trying not to think about his friend's pain. Mara was humming to herself, as he knew that she did when she was alone and deep in thought, but where it was usually amusing and soothing, now, it annoyed him. "You don't seem the least bit affected by what has happened to Bones," he commented.

She peeked at him, but continued what she was doing. "You will never see me sulking, James. I am not one to cry out loud, but I am very saddened by the fact that Dr. McCoy is hurting." She continued to hum.

"Could you stop that, please?" He asked. She almost suggested that he find somewhere else to mope, but this was Captain Kirk, and if he came to her to mope, then he must be pretty upset. The entire time that she had been on the ship, she had to seek him out. Mr. I Can Handle It had not come to her one time, and especially not with this lost lonely boy routine he had going on at the moment. Mara stopped what she was doing. Technically, he was no longer her patient, but he still _was _her patient, and he still was in need, apparently.

She went over to the bed and sat beside him. She rubbed her hand on his back and when he glanced at her, she smiled at him. "Let me ask you a question, Doctor," he said. "Why is it that we never crossed the line with each other? I mean, I know that I don't have to tell you that I wanted to and I could tell that you wanted to..."

"You were my patient, Jim. For me to have any type of interactions with you, it would have been unethical if they did not follow the doctor patient format."

"Uh huh... were you following doctor patient format when you went to mixers with Christine, or when you had Girls' Night In, or..."

"Yes, I was. I was being a friend to them, just as I was being a friend to you when I played cards with you in your quarters and to Dr. McCoy when I gave him tai chi lessons. James, I sincerely hope that you haven't thought that I would have seriously become unprofessionally intimate with a patient?" Her hands had stopped moving.

Kirk told her, "I will say whatever it takes to get you to start rubbing my back again." She folded her arms. "Okay, that particular line did not." He sat up and studied her face, "You see that! No, of course, you don't, you're not looking at yourself. You are giving me this angry girlfriend look right now. I have gotten those from you before."

"Not often, Jim. And the few times that you _have_ have only been when you nearly interfered with the treatments of one or more of my patients." Her face eased up as she added, "And they were short lived."

They stared at each other for a long moment, before Kirk offered, "You know, technically, you are no longer my psychiatrist."

"Jim, I haven't been your psychiatrist for weeks."

"Right, which means that I should have done this weeks ago," he leaned forward and kissed her on the lips. Mara leaned back, cutting the kiss short.

"But, you didn't," she reminded him, "And now, I have preparations. I have to get off of this ship. I am going to be home in less than three hours."

"Don't you and what's his face have an open relationship?"

"Yes, we do. We also have rules. One of the rules is that there is none of that for at least a full week before seeing each other... Makes the welcome home much more inviting."

"Damn it," Jim muttered.

She patted him on the back and said, "But, I am here if you need to talk." She continued to prepare her personal items. She decided that she would not allow herself to hum. Instead, she worked in silence. Silence was not very uncomfortable for her, especially with the captain.

He laid down on her bed again, on his belly and admitted, "It killed me to see Bones that way. He's a complainer, by nature. I have not know him to gracefully accept anything, but today... he just let it go. He didn't fuss. He didn't throw any insults. It was like he just gave up, or something."

"Maybe he knew that this was just as hard for Janice as it was for him, and he did not want her to see him in that way. Maybe he did it because he is strong."

"Maybe he blames himself. Maybe he figures that perhaps he was the problem all along, that any woman would leave him..."

"If he does, he will have to sort through those issues within himself, with friends, or with a professional. You can not sort through them alone, because all you will come up with is speculation."

"He's one of my best friends. I can't just sit around while his heart breaks!"

"What can you do, then, Jim?" She asked, surveying the room to see if she had forgotten to pack anything.

Kirk sat up and said, "That's why I am here. I need you to tell me what I need to do about this. Isn't that why you've been here? To help us sort through our mess?"

"I have been here to deal with rape victims, and help them to a functional capacity. I know that you don't really want to hear this, but despite his sorrow, Dr. McCoy is at functional capacity. If he needs to talk to me, he knows exactly how to contact me."

"You sure picked a hell of a time to leave us," Kirk mumbled, bitterly.

"I did not pick a time. Starfleet Command reviewed my records and have decided that I am no longer needed aboard their vessel. It is coincidental and even perhaps unfortunate that they chose the same day that Dr. McCoy's divorce became final, but I do not see how I am to blame for that, Captain Kirk."

"You aren't," he said.

Kirk sighed and looked over at her with a boyish grin, "You sure that there is nothing else that you can do to make me feel better?"

Flawlessly, Mara resisted all of his charm and ignored his flirtation with her response, "I can have Dr. McCoy give you a hypo for depression." His smile grew. He loved it when she shot him down like that.

There was something about a woman who fought the fact that she wanted him that really got him going, but she had made her stand clear. She would not cave. He respected it and admired it. If she did not have a man to return to in a matter of hours, he would have made a better attempt. He had to respect her rules. Damn, should have tried weeks ago! Kirk stood up and said, "Whenever you get finished packing, contact me. I'll have someone bring your items to the transporter room."

"Thank you," she said, messing with the computer pad. He assumed that she was uninstalling her mental remote control system. He stood at the door, waiting. He was not particularly in the mood for trying to go through the door while the system was being tinkered with. Mara pulled something out of the computer that was so tiny that it was practically invisible, save a few wires. She placed the device into it's box and put the box away in her luggage.

She turned and looked at Kirk. He smiled at her and left the room. When he did, she took a deep breath. Finally, she could stop pretending! Being on the ship with Kirk had been very taxing to her. She had this thing for playboys, and Kirk was a champion in the field, rivaled only by her long distance lover, Toimu, who she would be seeing very shortly and she had to shake Kirk out of her mind. They had flirted, sometimes shamelessly, and on many times, he _almost _had her. She _almost _lost her cool, but she had successfully retained her control. She was proud, and relieved. The ship had become comfortable enough, but she was truly glad to be leaving it, to be heading home. Of course, she had to say goodbye to her patients.

Dr. McCoy would not see her. He claimed that he was "far too busy to entertain." She had not pressed the issue. She simply said a soft goodbye and went on her way to Christine. Christine was in the infirmary when Mara left Dr. McCoy to his mood.

Christine gave Mara a sad smile and admitted, "It is going to feel like a completely different ship without you on it, Doctor. I hope that I do not trouble you too much if I call you everyday until I adjust to you not being here?"

"It will be a pleasure to hear from you Chris," she told the woman and hugged her.

"Dr. Mara, if you had not been here, I might literally be dead by now. I owe you my life."

"Well, how about I just clear that tab. You never have to pay me your life. I just need you to live it as happily as possible." Mara smiled and hugged Christine, again.

That left Janice, Spock and Nyota. Unfortunately, Janice was working. Mara did not have much of a chance to speak with her. She wanted to ask her about the divorce and allow her to get some things off of her chest. Janice was generally very eager to get things off of her chest. But, on this day, Janice kept herself so busy that Mara just knew that she must have been purposefully doing it so that she would not have too much alone time to think about the divorce. Mara let her know that she could contact her anytime, whenever she needed, however many times she needed to. Janice smiled and nodded, then immediately jumped back into whatever work she was doing.

Mara headed for Spock and Nyota's quarters. She found Styik seated outside of his room, messing with his Brain toy. She smiled at him and he stared up at her. "Dr. Mara, I would have guessed that you would be preparing to leave at this time."

"I have already done so, Young Styik. What are you working on?" She asked, sitting down on the floor beside him.

"I am comparing my scans of Father's brain from six months ago to six days ago. Take a look." He pushed the toy towards her and she monitored the two holos of two Vulcan brains. Styik pointed out what he knew was obvious to her, "Father's levels of stress have decreased significantly."

"I am surprised that he allowed you to have holos of his brain."

"He did not. I manufactured them without his permission. I simply scanned him in his sleep. It was unethical, but I have yet to take any oaths." Styik said. "It will be nice to see Uncle Toimu. Being away from him must be difficult."

She smiled and said, "It was worth it for me to help your parents. Are they available, by the way?"

"Father is most certainly on the bridge, but he will most likely be in the transporter room when you leave. Mother is preparing the children for supper. They are trying to get into a habit of not having me around to assist with the little ones. It is fairly difficult. I instinctively try to help, so I am forced out of the room when Mother is attempting to tend to them." He stared at the Brain again. "I am going to miss them very much."  
"Well, you will have the chance to speak with them all of the time, and you will have other family and friends around. It'll be great to study on New Vulcan. You'll be able to do experiments that you can only read about while you're here."

"I know. It's just that Mother is so delicate sometimes. I often worry about her. I know that this feeling will increase when we are galaxies apart." He stood up and held out a hand to assist Mara in standing. "You do not have much time, and I am sure that you wish to see Mother before you leave."

Styik opened the door of the children's room and escorted Mara inside. Nyota looked like she was about to pull her hair out when Styik and Mara entered the room. Sytar and Sanaa were both running about, eagerly and relentlessly. Nyota forced a smile and said, "Someone on this ship gave them chocolate!" The frustration in her voice was undeniable.

Sytar ran up to Mara and tackled her to the ground. She crashed to the floor with an "Oomph!" Sytar began to speak so swiftly that Mara's ears could barely make out what he was saying, then she realized that he was speaking in Vulcan. She did not speak Vulcan, but she understood it. Sytar was saying, "Mother said that you would be going home to Uncle Toimu and that the two of you would have fun together and next time that we get on Earth, we can stop by at your house and that Uncle Toimu made us a family movie that we can all watch together as a family when we get together!" He was very excited. He climbed off of her and began to run again. He bumped into the bed and accidentally broke off a piece of the headboard. It did not seem to pain him at all.

With a frown, Styik helped Mara up from the floor and said, "I certainly hope that he did not injure you. Uncle Toimu will be very displeased if your reunion plans are thwarted by the antics of a child."

Mara nodded and said, "I'm fine. I'm fine."

Nyota sighed and said to Styik, "I am almost ready to have you administer a neck pinch on them!" Sanaa fell from off of the headboard and landed on Nyota's back. Nyota yelped.

Sytar laughed and said, "My turn, my turn, my turn..." When he jumped off of the headboard, Styik caught him mid jump.

Mara said, "I was just coming by to tell you goodbye, until we meet again, but I can see that you're..." Sanaa placed a hand over each of Nyota's eyes and squeezed far too tightly on them.

Nyota winced in pain as Sanaa insisted, "Guess who? Guess who?"

"Wow! I have never heard her voice before," Mara said. Sadly enough, in three years, the girl had never said a word in front of her. Nyota pulled Sanaa's hands from her face and Mara could see where she was going to have bruises from the accidental assault.

"If I ever find out who gave you two chocolate, I am throwing them out of an airlock!" She gave Mara a sympathetic look and said, "I'm sorry Mara. I wanted to see you off properly, but, tonight is just not really a good night for it."

"I understand."

Mara headed for the transporter room. There really was nowhere else for her to go. To her surprise, and pleasure, Spock was there. He regarded her with a slight bow. She said, "I thought that you might like to know that your two youngest children have been subjected to the wiles of chocolate, and your wife is not having an easy time of it."

"I have spoken with her. She assured me that she will manage. Do you think that I need to assist her?"

"No. Styik is there with her, so hopefully, they've got it." She smiled at him and sighed. "Spock, you look so different."

"I assure you Doctor, I look exactly the way that I did when you saw me on yesterday."

"No, I mean... you look different today than you did when I first came unto the ship."

"I have had nearly two years worth of aging to experience, granted I age slower and less conspicuously than full humans."

"No, you look content!" She finally said.

"I believe that I am, Doctor," he stated. She smiled, grateful that she had the chance to have a proper goodbye with at least one of her patients, and her favorite one, at that. She and Spock began to talk about science matters, just as they had in their early sessions, but this time, they weren't discussing these things so that she could get to know more about him. They were discussing them because she knew him, and on some level, even he had become a friend of hers.

By the time she was set to leave, she hugged Kirk and gave Spock a Vulcan salute. They watched as she dematerialized. Kirk sighed and looked at Spock, "It started to feel like she was a part of the crew, after a while." Spock lifted an eyebrow, obviously disagreeing. Kirk gave him a playful smile and asked, "Come on, Spock, you can't tell me that you aren't going to miss her."

"I can tell you that I am not going to miss her, because I am not. Dr. Mara and I will be in regular contact. She wishes to continue our scientific discussions. Other than that, Captain, I do not believe that I have any other loss for Dr. Mara. Indeed her purpose of treating the humans affected by the attack has been accomplished."

"Treating the humans? She treated you too, Spock."

"She attempted."

"So, you are not better because of Mara?"

"Indirectly, Captain, I am. If the doctor was not present to treat my human wife, then my wife may not have been able to assist me in my recovery. The fact that we are mentally connected gives us a constant connection to each other. We may disengage from each other's awareness, in the sense that we are not sharing an awareness, but we remain inside of each other's minds through a link. Before Nyota was treated, my mentality was tainted by my connection to her."

"So, you had no mental issues of your own concerning the matter?"

"Not any that Dr. Mara could have assisted me with, but I admire her attempts." Spock offered.

The two of them walked in silence for a moment, then Kirk said, "It would have been a shame if the two of you didn't make it through this." Spock looked at Kirk, unsure of what he meant. If he and Dr. Mara would not have made it through her attempts to treat his mental state? Kirk answered the unspoken question, "If you and Uhura's marriage would have fallen apart after the attack."

"It would have been most unfortunate, as we have children. The two of us would have been able to return to our lives without each other, however, I do not believe that the task would have been as simple for our young ones."

"Bones is dying."

"I was unaware that Dr. McCoy's health was in peril."

"No, I mean... he's miserable without Janice. I'm just relieved that I didn't have to see my two best friends go through the same pain."

"Captain, I assure you that if Lt. Uhura and I were to part ways, you would not have exposure to any pain from me."

"Maybe not, but I'd know that it's there, and not seeing it would hurt me even more... it did after the attack."

"Captain, I am unsure of why we are having this discussion."

"I just want you to know that your feelings are important to me. Your friendship is important to me."

Spock stopped walking and looked at Kirk for a while, then replied, "I understand your viewpoint, Jim."

Kirk threw and arm around Spock's shoulder and said, "We are going to go have a drink or two with Bones. He could use a couple of good friends."

Christine tried not to look at Dr. McCoy too much, but it was impossible. He had not said anything in between his orders in regards to the patients, and he had barely glanced her way or even complained about anything, all day. She knew that he was hurting and she hated seeing him that way, but found that she could not ignore him.

Normally, he would have been gone from the infirmary, by now. After all, Dr, MBenga was on duty and Christine's shift would be over soon. He claimed that he was making up for lost hours _as though he is paid hourly, _Christine thought. Generally, when he tried to wait out his problems in sick bay, Christine left him to it, but on tonight, she could not bring herself to leave her boss' side.

When Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock entered the room, she became hopeful. Perhaps they might cheer him up, some. The captain ordered him to come with them, and Christine offered the men a smile as they left with the now grumbling doctor. Well, he had started grumbling, that possibly was a good sign.

Christine finished her rounds and left the area shortly after they did. She was extremely tired. She had not had the chance to see Janice yet, and knew that her friend was probably doing no better than Dr. McCoy.

_Janice had told her that she was going to be taking Uhura to the divorce finalization with her. Christine told her that she understood, that in the past couple of years she and Janice had drifted and it was fitting that her new best friend be there for her instead of her former best friend. Janice had told her, "No, actually... it's because you stood next to me when I vowed until death. I can't ask you to stand next to me while I make a liar of myself, too!" Janice had broken into tears. Christine and she held each other for a while, until Janice got the entire cry out. Then, Janice said softly, "Please don't tell anyone that I cried."_

Christine stopped at Janice's quarters and pressed the button to alert her. Janice did not answer. Perhaps she wished to be alone. Christine pressed the intercom button and said, "Janice, I just want you to know that if you need me, I am available." She waited for a moment, and after there was no response, she retired to her own quarters.

Janice sighed at the sound of Christine's voice. She could see her tomorrow. Tonight was a night of solitude. Janice had requested a transfer. She would soon be leaving the Enterprise. It was simply too painful for her to stay there. Captain Kirk had approved the transfer, despite the fact that she was his best assistant. "With all due respect, Captain. "Chief" Captain's Assistant is not what I had in mind when I enlisted in Starfleet."

Since she made the decision to get a divorce, she had thrown herself into her work and into training for better work. She grumbled as she reviewed the material on her PADD. She could not believe how difficult she found the information. All she was trying to do so far was advance to ensign, for crying out loud! She had a newfound respect for the people that she worked with... the ensigns, the lieutenants, the commanders, the captain! Hell, Kirk had made _captain _in three years. It'd probably take her that long just to make ensign!

But, she had to try. Her career was all that mattered now. Without it, she knew that she would feel empty.


	19. Peculiar Behavior

**Peculiar Behavior**

She was determined to punish this person. She had missed the chance to give Dr. Mara a proper goodbye, not to mention the woman and she had almost been injured and she and Styik were now sitting on the children, as much as they could without endangering them. Nyota had once read about ancient times when some people actually sat on their children and thought it barbaric, but tonight, it had become the most calm activity of her night. Both children were squirming about, but they were held still enough to where they could not cause more havoc in the room.

"Lt. Uhura?" She heard Chekov's voice call through the intercom.

She hurried to it and said, "Yes, Pavel?" Styik now sat on Sanaa with Sytar held by his shirt as he attempted to squirm away.

"Ensign Ricky, in security," he said. A broad grin crossed her face. She looked at Styik. This was so unethical and she and he would get in so much trouble with Spock, but they each took a child underneath their arm and rushed out of the room.

"Father will be quite displeased," Styik said, slightly bothered by the plan that he and Nyota had set in motion.

She simply nodded, ignoring the yelling, bouncing children that they held."Yes, he will." She stopped at a computer. "Computer, locate Ensign Ricky."

"Ensign Ricky is in his quarters." The computer gave the information to Nyota and she and Styik rushed in that direction.

She pressed the button to his intercom system and said, "Ensign Ricky, this is Lt, Uhura, open the door." The door opened and a young man appeared in the door way, alarmed.

He asked, "Are you in danger, Lt. Uhura?"

"Did you give my children chocolate?" She asked. His face flushed red.

"It was a bet. I was able to win..."

"I don't care." She set Sanaa down and Styik set Sytar down. "Ensign Ricky is babysitting you two." The two children ran right into the room, with no reservations and began running and jumping all over everything. Her eyes dared Ricky to object. She said, "I'll return for them in a few hours."

Styik stared at Ensign Ricky for a moment longer and said, "If you cause them harm or try to threaten them, I want you to realize that I will find out." He turned and caught up with Nyota. "Spock is going to sh-..." She threw him a look and he said, "He will not be pleased."

"I told you, I know that." She said.

Nyota and Styik froze and stared at each other when Spock's voice came over the announcement system, "Attention Enterprise, this is Commander Spock, speaking. This announcement is to educate all personnel that under no circumstance are any of you to give to any partially Vulcan children any type of chocolate. If the child has pointed ears, the child is severely allergic to chocolate. I must insist that no one gives aforementioned children any amount of any type of chocolate. Thank you."

There was absolutely no emotion in his tone whatsoever, but Styik and Nyota both looked at each other and deduced, "He's pissed." Nyota asked, "You think that Ricky contacted him?"

"That seems to be the only logical explanation, unless Ensign Ricky has already spread word all about the ship of our punishment to his transgression." Nyota took a swallow. She did not know why, but suddenly, she found herself quite nervous. How would Spock react to the fact that she took his children and left them with a complete stranger, even though he was a Starfleet officer, and she had seen his face before, they really did not know him very well.

But, as Styik pointed out when they were discussing what they would do in the event that they did not know the chocolate pusher, Sytar and Sanaa pumped up on chocolate could handle some ensign, by combining their strengths. Now, she felt ridiculous. They had become so flustered by the bouncing children that they had allowed themselves to make a very stupid mistake.

They heard the door swoosh open and Spock entered the room. Styik pushed his face into his computer, and Nyota turned and pretended to pick something up from the floor next to the bed.

Spock took a deep breath and folded his arms, "I am going to assume that neither of you are going to acknowledge my presence."

Styik looked up at him, seemingly unbothered and said, "Good evening, Father."

"Go to your room," Spock said.

"I certainly shall," Styik said, grabbing his computer and dashing towards the door. He glanced at Nyota and noticed that she looked afraid. He opened his mouth and said, "Don't be afr..."

"Now, Styik," Spock said, calmly. Styik obeyed.

Nyota folded her hands in her lap and started, "Before you start on me, let me explain how I was feeling..."

"You left two partially Vulcan children under the influence of chocolate in the care of an unintelligent human with no training whatsoever in handling Vulcan children, not to mention a stranger. I am quite displeased with your illogic in this decision making process." His eyes were terribly angry. Suddenly, her heart froze.

She stood up and walked over to him, "Spock... did something happen?" If either of her children were hurt, she would never forgive herself.

"Ensign Ricky became a landing pad for two very strong and hyper children jumping from a kitchen counter and he hit his head on the floor. Dr. McCoy said that it is only a concussion, but the impact could have easily killed him, if his head were turned at another angle. Both of the children became hysterical when their babysitter would not get up and Sytar contacted medical bay. You are going to be investigated for negligence." Nyota covered her mouth with both of her hands. Spock dropped his arms to his sides and added, "What you did could have just as easily endangered the children as it did Ensign Ricky."

"I am so sorry, Spock. Where are they?"

"In their room. Ensign Ricky's accident seems to have sobered them up some. They are still quite restless, but they are trying harder to control themselves."

"I'm sorry. I really thought that it would be harmless. I thought that at the most, he would want to jump out of the ship. I had no idea that he would be hurt." She placed a hand on Spock's shoulder and he sighed.

"Nyota, it was very difficult for me to keep up this act. I just told you a fanciful story. It was a scenario."

Her eyes immediately became angry, "You lied to me?"

"I created a possible outcome to your decision."

"You sound like Elder Spock."

"This was his idea."

"Why would you try to scare me like that?"

"To assist you in thinking about your actions before doing such a thing ever again."

"How long did Ricky even keep them?"

"He may have contacted the bridge shortly after you left him. He stated, _Lt, Uhura just dropped these children off with me and they are jumping all over everything. I have no idea what to do. This seems to be an emergency situation. They are accidentally breaking stuff and I don't think that this is acceptable protocol for handling children. She just left them here." _Mr. Chekov informed me that Ensign Ricky had been seen giving the children chocolate, and that he had relayed the message to you. I visited the ensign to retrieve the children, and I placed them in the padded cell in the brig until they could calm themselves. They were quite pleased to chase each other about and run into the cushioned walls."

Nyota cleared her throat, "We figured that you would not be pleased. I don't want you ever to consult Elder Spock about how to handle a situation with me ever again, and as a matter of fact, he's got it coming for this ruse." She smiled, slightly and put her arms around his waist. "You are a very good liar, Mr. Spock."

"I did not lie..."

"Of course not, you described a possible outcome to my decision." He nodded once at her correction. She laughed.

_**Five Weeks Later**_

Not many times did Nyota have the chance to get off of the ship for missions, and the times when she did, Spock was usually always still on the ship, but for whatever reason, on today, they both ended up in the landing party. To her humor and surprise, so did Ensign Ricky. The man had been avoiding her all week, which amused her, because she would not have noticed him if he were not trying to avoid her. Now, he was stuck on a strange planet with her.

Kirk, Spock, Uhura, McCoy, Chekov, Ensign Ricky and another security officer had been beamed down to the planet. Before they did so, Spock checked his memory database to try to see if Elder Spock had given him such a discovery as the planet which they were going to survey. If the former Enterprise had ever come across this particular planet in their time line, it was not a time that Elder Spock had shared with him.

Upon beaming down, they were met by the inhabitants of the planet. The inhabitants appeared to be very confused about their being their. They also appeared to be very primitive, wearing loincloths and no shoes. Nyota approached one of them holding towards him a universal translator. He seemed afraid, but he allowed her to come closer. She smiled at him and he returned to gesture. His hair was extremely red and he was quite hairy. She demonstrated how the translator worked then handed it to him. When he spoke, he heard his voice come out in Federation standard, which startled him.

"I am River. By what name are you called?" He asked. Nyota pointed to each person and introduced them. When she introduced Spock, River shuddered and hid behind her. She chuckled, slightly and tried to convey that Spock was a friend, that they were all friends. River could not understand a word of Federation standard, and as Nyota assumed, the language which he spoke was not registered.

She tried sign language, to no avail. Of course he would not know Terran sign language, but there was always charades, right?" The men watched as Nyota performed these descriptive actions with her body to ask River if he had a village, and if they could meet his leader. It took him a while, but eventually, he took her hand and began to lead her somewhere, inviting the others to follow. He said something to Spock, but no one knew what it was. Spock presumed that he was being warned not to try anything.

Captain Kirk whispered, "Uhura's pretty good at charades."

Spock corrected. "No, Captain, she studied interpretive dance for many years. She is able to tell stories with her body from that knowledge."

"I'll bet that she can tell plenty stories with a body like that," Spock heard a whisper from behind him. He turned to see the guard next to Ensign Ricky laughing and Ensign Ricky leaning into him. Ensign Ricky immediately straightened up at the calm, but for whatever reason frightening look from Commander Spock.

"Ensign Ricky, I most certainly hope that there are no inappropriate exchanges between yourself and your coworker."

"No, Sir," they both said.

Kirk looked at the two men, but returned his attention to Uhura and River. Nyota demonstrated the recorder she wore to him, and played it back, then got him to try, and played it back. Then, when he looked like he would accept it, she began recording him talk. She would pick up, or point to random objects and say the name of them, to have him repeat the name in his language. Spock watched her in fascination. She excelled at everything that she did. Since her academy days, she never failed to impress him.

Kirk watched Spock, for a moment. If he did not know any better, he would think that Spock was lusting after his wife, in front of others. There was a certain look in Spock's eyes as he watched Nyota bend over and pick up a rock and say "rock", only to have River say a completely different word. Kirk looked at Nyota. He couldn't blame Spock for the look that he was giving her. Nyota had picked up a bit more weight after the attack. Hurting her pelvis, then having her hormones moderated, then taking months off of work had affected her, but it was not necessarily a bad thing.

Her thighs and buttocks were thicker than previously. She had become far more voluptous than she had been when she and Spock married, and a little bit more than she had been after having children. Spock seemed to appreciate her curviness even more than he did her slender form of years past. Nyota suddenly glared at him, or was she glaring at Kirk. Who was she watching?

Both Kirk and Spock looked at each other and saw that the other one had a look of too deep appreciation on his face. Spock was temporarily abashed by his display of pleasure, until he realized that Kirk's stare mirrored his own. Kirk should not be looking at her that way. In public, he should not be, either... but Kirk should not look at her that way at any time. He frowned, but left the observation unspoken. Now, he focused on Nyota and River. River's hand was on the small of Nyota's back. That should not be happening, either! Spock felt himself growing very bothered. McCoy broke into his thoughts with, "Is it me, or does Lt. Uhura look exceptionally delicious today?" Now, Spock stopped walking and turned to face the doctor head on.

"That statement was not appropriate."

"I know that Spock. Hell, I don't know what the hell has come over me. I would never think to say something like that to you," Dr. McCoy said.

But Chekov offered, "Dr. McCoy, I understand what you mean. It is as though Lt. Uhura is the most beautiful sight on this planet. I feel drawn to her." Spock and Kirk exchanged glances and they all realized that Nyota was quite distance away with River.

They rushed to catch up with her and Spock grabbed her hand and pulled her towards him. River panicked and fled. Nyota glared at him, "What are you doing? He was teaching me the language!"

"There is something on this planet that is causing every man within the vicinity to desire you. You must board the ship," Spock said. She threw her head back and turned to face the captain, as though Spock's order would not suffice. It angered Spock, momentarily, though he did not show it. He was her husband. Despite the fact that he was her superior officer, if he gave her an order...

Kirk nodded his head and said, "I don't know what it is, but all of us have been drooling over you since we began walking. It is safer that you hand your equipment to Mr. Spock and beam back to the ship."

She handed her equipment over to Spock and as she turned to leave, he grabbed her wrist, harder than she would expect him to handle her and said, "Do not question my authority, next time, Lieutenant." She jerked her arm away from him and watched his face betray shock of his own actions before she stepped into the clear and contacted the ship to beam her aboard.

Nyota waited in the transporter room with folded arms. Scotty was there with her, working the transporter controls. She figured that she would have still been on the surface of the planet, anyway, therefore, she would wait. But then, she heard Sulu page her to the bridge. Frustrated, she rushed to the bridge and Sulu informed her, "The captain wants you back at your post. He's having Perkins go to the surface to do what you were going to do." Now, she was extremely upset. She nodded at Sulu and took over for Hawkins.

"I'll try to make you proud," Hawkins joked.

"That's all I ask, My Boy," she teased back, shielding her frustrations. Why had Spock become aggressive with her? Did he not realize that for him to handle her that way might upset her, especially given their past? She tried to push it from her mind, but his eyes and his tone had frightened her, and this time, there was no puppet master pulling his strings. That was Spock's own doing.

Spock folded his arms, still silent after how he had treated Nyota earlier. Communicating with the natives on the planet had been difficult. It took them a while to realize that all the men were trying to do was communicate with them, to figure out what was being said. Kirk wished that they could have kept Uhura here, but there was something on this planet that was making her downright damned irresistible, and he did not trust himself around her, much less a group of strange men... and the natives appeared to be only men.

Spock finally spoke for the first time since sending Nyota away, he observed, "Captain, I am noticing that all of the natives which we have met are males."

Kirk nodded, "Yes. I wonder where the females are."

"If there are any, Captain."

Kirk grabbed a stick and drew a crude drawing of a woman in the dirt and pointed to it. He looked around in wonder and the natives smiled. The one that they had decided was the leader, a brawny red haired male called Mountain used the universal translator to say, "The Child Bearers live in the other forest. They are not allowed to come to this forest. When one ventures into this forest, war occurs between the brotherhood. They are to remain in the other forest. We go to them when we become ready to plant children."

Hawkins had been listening very carefully and repeated a word, with a question mark. "Yes, war." Mountain responded. Now, Hawkins asked why, gesturing with his arms. Mountain could understand the question. He explained, "The evil plant. It grows all over this forest. It makes the child bearers to look divine. It makes the child planters to wish to take them. We have tried to chop it, and it grows twice as much, therefore, we simply leave it there, and place the child bearers elsewhere. You had a child bearer with you when you came to us. You must know how we feel when they are in our midst."

Hawkins did not know. He had missed that part and had been confused as to why he would replace Lt. Uhura, when she was clearly more qualified to do this job. He did not even know how she managed to get the universal translator to translate a language that the Federation did not yet have record of. That was mind boggling and he must ask her when he saw her again.

After lengthy, friendly exchanges, and a great deal of information of the new planet and its peoples, the men boarded the ship again. They returned to their places and the records were made.

_Spock sat calmly as the children played on the playground. Nyota had insisted that they needed to visit a playground during their childhood and had become overtly excited when she discovered that there would be a park with a playground available on their shore leave... then she had went gallivanting off with Nurse Chapel and Yeoman Rand before they had a chance to visit it as a family. Spock could hardly believe that something like this bothered him, but as he sat there on the park bench watching the children do things that he knew she would have wished to see for herself, he suppressed his disappointment that she was missing it._

_After a while, he sensed her scent. It was close, but he did not feel her approaching. Odd. He tilted his head, ever so slightly, wondering how her scent managed to reach him before her humming anticipation, but as the anticipation grew in his awareness he knew that she was getting closer. He stood to greet her and was rendered still by the sight of her._

_Nyota smiled. It was the desired effect. She decided to milk his composure with not only a smile, but a light, joyful wave of laughter, too. Spock stepped closer to her and gazed at her for a long moment. She opened her mouth to ask, "Do you like..." he silenced her with a soft kiss on the lips, in plain view of whomever was present. Janice and Christine stood in the distance, grabbed each others hands, unable to stand straight otherwise. _

_Spock took a deep breath to soak in the scent of her, then backed away, only enough for them not to be touching any longer. Were his eyes twinkling? The children rushed over to greet their mother with affections, too. Spock barely saw them or anyone else from the moment he looked at Nyota. She glanced at her two friends, standing a little ways away and mouthed a thank you to them, for taking her to that spa._

Spock was fidgety. He was attempting to center himself, but he could not seem to focus. His mind was flooded with times that he saw Nyota looking beautiful, with sensations of appreciating her beauty, with images of her beautiful face and beautiful form displayed before him and exhibited for his eyes only. he had thought that his actions on the planet had been due to the evil plant, as the natives called it – the plant that drew Nyota's pheromones out, but now, he was away from the plant, and he was exhibiting other bouts of peculiar behavior, as well. His shaking, for example, and now, he thought shamefully of how he had addressed Nyota earlier. That was the reason that she had not glanced at him once since returning to the ship.

Kirk glanced at his first officer and asked, "Are you alright, Mr. Spock? You seem a bit... jumpy?" Spock's head turned so quickly towards Kirk that if Kirk were not a skilled face saver, he might have jumped, himself.

Spock said, flatly, "I am hardly jumping, Captain." He turned back to the science station and Nyota looked at him, then at Captain Kirk, who was looking at her, now. She pressed her lips together. She was still upset about earlier.

Kirk said, "Spock, come see me for a moment."

Spock visibly sighed and asked, without facing Kirk, "Is it imperative, Captain?" Now, _everyone_ on the bridge turned and looked at Spock. He was looking at his scanners, and made no attempt to move towards Kirk. Now, everyone on the bridge looked at Nyota for answers. Her eyes were wide and she threw both of her hands up in the air, to try to convey that she was not the source of this anomaly.

"Spock!" Captain Kirk called out, almost urgently. Spock got up and walked over to the captain's chair, his demeanor carried an offensive appearance. Kirk stood up, now, slightly worried that Spock might attack him. If he did, he wanted to be as prepared as he could be for a fight with a Vulcan.

The two of them stood in front of each other for a moment, then finally Spock asked, "Did you order me over for the purpose of studying my facial features, Captain?"

"Spock!" Nyota now called, incredulously. What the hell was wrong with him? He glanced at her, saw her troubled eyes, then looked back at Kirk and took a deep breath.

"Captain, I believe that I must be excused from the bridge. I am going to take a sick day." Nyota gasped, stood up and walked over to him. He did not turn to face her again. He knew that she knew what was wrong with him. Of course! Why had she not seen it, before? Because she was too busy sulking to pay the proper attention to him.

"Excused from the bridge? Don't you think that we should be trying to head for New Vulcan, Spock?" She asked.

He turned sharply to her and said, "This is not up for a discussion, at the moment." He practically snapped at her. Now, the others on the bridge braced themselves for what they believed would surely become a fight, but instead, Nyota lifted an eyebrow at him and returned to her seat. Kirk shook his head and looked at Spock. Spock was still looking at Nyota.

Paying no attention to Kirk, or any of the others, he walked over to the communications station, kneeled at her chair and said, "I'm sorry. I did not mean to speak harshly to you, not just now nor earlier today, on the surface of the planet."

She stroked the side of his face. Recently, he had become far more open to her displays of affection. She said, gently, "I know. You really should let Captain Kirk know what's going on. We need to get you to New Vulcan," she said.

"We are in the midst of a mission. I can not return home at the moment," he said.

Her face became troubled further as she asked, "How will we deal with your situation?"

He answered shortly, "This is not an appropriate setting for us to discuss this."

She turned in her chair and shook her head, frustrated. This was life or death! His Pon Farr had arrived two weeks earlier than they had planned. Only, when he planned their trip to New Vulcan, he of course did not disclose the information about why he needed to go to New Vulcan, and now the time for that need had arrived, and he was being stubborn!

"Spock?" Captain Kirk called to him, "Meet me in the lift, please." Spock went to follow the captain into the turbo lift. As soon as they were on it, everyone crowded Uhura's station to question her. She threw them all warning looks and they left their questions unanswered. She returned to her work.

Moments later, another science officer took Spock's place on the bridge. She stared at him, wondering if he knew anything about how Spock was. The science officer looked at her and froze. He was wondering why she was looking at him. She smiled cordially and asked, "Do you happen to know where Mr. Spock is?"

"He retired to your quarters, Mrs. Spock," the man answered. She nodded her head and returned to work, yet again.

Spock was laying in the dark when Nyota entered the room. She turned the lights half way on and looked at him, in his meditation laying position. She sat next to him and touched his face. He felt hot, even hotter than usual, but she remembered that this condition came with a fever. This was only the early stages of it. "What do you need me to do?"

"I frightened you earlier. I hurt your dignity and I could have physically hurt you with the way that I grabbed you," he said in a low, soft voice.

"You have failed to answer my question, Spock," she said.

"We believed that after the assault that the issue of my Pon Farr would be a challenge for you... It will be a challenge for me." He sat up, "I can not hurt you again, Nyota. I will not allow myself to do so."

"You can't die, either, so we have ourselves a damned situation, don't we?" He did not answer. She said, "If you die, who is going to keep me in line when I drop the children off with Ensign Ricky?" His eyebrow lifted at the idea that she would repeat such a ridiculous action. Surely, she would not, but that was not her point. "Look, I have already told Captain Kirk that we have to get to New Vulcan, immediately. I told him that you would die if we did not do so. He had Sulu plot a course and we are headed that way right now."

"What else did you tell him? Surely Jim questioned you as passionately as he questioned me in the turbo lift before ordering me to sickbay."

"You went to sick bay?"

"Yes. Dr. McCoy checked me."

"Maybe he saw something that backs me up when I say that you'll die, because Captain Kirk didn't ask me a thing. Maybe he felt awkward because of your behavior towards me. Whatever the reason, we are on our way to New Vulcan, and we will do whatever we have to do to keep you alive. I don't care how difficult it is for you. You must survive." She stroked his face, then kissed his forehead.

"I can not seem to keep myself from trembling, and I am quite famished," Spock said.

"I'll go get you some soup and I'll rush back with it so that it stays hot..." She thought about a story that Elder Spock shared with her and added, "And do not throw it against the wall." Spock lifted an eyebrow as she left their quarters. He had no idea what that statement meant.


	20. A Burning Thing

**A Burning Thing**

She avoided the glances that she was receiving as she headed down the hall. She even ignored the comments such as, "There's always something with the two of them" and "Maybe they should just get their own ship and make the rules up, there" She laughed to herself. It was amazing to her how jealous people could be. After everything that she and Spock had been through, after all of the times that one of their lives was on the line, after all of the times they thought they might finally be defeated, people still wanted to be them so badly that they made a point to always have something negative to say.

Chekov was crossing her path, but quickly turned and walked with her when he saw her, "Uhura, how is Mr. Spock?"

She smiled a small smile and replied, "He's sick. I'm going to get him some soup."

"Sick? I did not know that Vulcans could even get sick. Is it because of his human side?" He asked.

"Oh, no. The sickness that he has is purely a Vulcan sickness. It's not really a sickness, it's..." she looked at Chekov's curious face and decided that Spock would not appreciate her taking the discussion any further. "It's complicated and personal," she told him. Chekov nodded, but she could tell that it stung to hear her say that. Once upon a time, she would tell him everything, no matter how personal. That had all changed since her attack.

For one thing, she stopped talking to him at all, at first. She had drifted away from everyone. When she did start talking to him again, it was not the same. They still were great friends, but he noticed that she was closer to even Christine Chapel than to him now, and he commented that it hurt his feelings, a time or two. Still, she and he remained close. He changed the subject, "So, how was it to be on the surface of the planet with Ensign Ricky?" He laughed at her scoff and she pushed him playfully.

Chekov walked Nyota back to her quarters and he pressed the button of the children's room, next door. He had offered to keep them for a while, since Commander Spock was sick and Uhura would be needed to tend to him. Thankfully, she accepted his offer. When she got inside of the room, Spock was still laying down. He did not even bother to sit up when he saw her enter. She placed the soup on the night stand and attempted to help him out of his boots. "I can do that much, Nyota," he informed her, but he did not stop her from proceeding, and she did not stop herself.

She placed the boots next to the bed and said, "There! Now, you don't have to." Nyota began to undress. She removed her own boots, and the little bloomers she wore beneath her skirt in case she fell over at her console, or something. Spock watched her, and noticed that beneath her bloomers, she had on a pair of thongs... green... his favorite.

"Come to me, Nyota," he said softly. She did so, and by the time she adjusted herself to lay her head on his chest, she felt his hand automatically reach beneath her skirt. He made a slight moaning sound as he found her string panties and stroked her deeply, through them. She rocked herself against his touch and rolled her hips to make his stroke even deeper. "Place yourself in front of me," he commanded, gently. She stalled for a moment, and in that moment was pulled up and placed right in front of his face. Sometimes he was quicker than her brain could even think. He positioned her to straddle his face and he licked the outside of her panties.

Nyota braced herself on the wall as Spock flicked the frail piece of delicate fabric aside with his tongue and explored her. This was nice. This was _really _nice. He wasn't bring pushy or rough, but she knew that he was still in the early stages of his cycle. She had much yet to see. The excitement of it all made her further aroused and she heard Spock moan in response to her growing wetness.

Now he reached for her. He pulled the thong slightly to the side and began to devour her mercilessly. His hunger was deep, vicious. He had been thinking about this the entire day, she realized, with her mind in sync with his. When Nyota came into Spock's mouth, he continued to lick her for a while longer, then closed his mouth around her and sucked on her.

He allowed her to move away from his face when he finished, but it did not take very long for him to reach for her again and guide her face to his pants. She tried to lift her head to look at his face, but he urged her closer to his manhood, so she simply rubbed her face in between his legs. "Nyota," he practically whined. She opened his pants and gave him what she knew he wanted from her. Spock was breathing deeply as his wife took him into her mouth. He began to move inside of her mouth, pushing himself into her throat. Nyota gagged a little. She did not have as much experience with this as one might think a married woman would. The times that she had performed this favor for him, he had been quite controlled. He had not been so forceful with her.

Spock reached into her hair and wrapped it around his fist as he pushed his throbbing staff into her mouth. She choked a little, and when he heard it, he eased his grip and untangled his hand from her hair. He thought of a time when he saw her choking before... that day, when he was forced to... his erection fell and he slipped out of her mouth. Nyota stared at him. She wiped the saliva from her face, that had dripped when he removed himself from her mouth. "Did I do something wrong?" She asked.

"No. You were quite extraordinary. I find that I no longer have the desire to continue. Will you hand me that soup, please?" She stared at him for a moment longer. She knew that he was not being completely honest with her, but she also knew that Pon Farr made Vulcans behave very differently than they typically would. She had seen Elder Spock behave rather irrationally and moody during his time. She sighed and retrieved the soup, however, she did not hand it to Spock. Instead, when he sat up, she began to feed him. He did not protest to her, and before that bowl was finished, he found himself aroused again.

_Kirk entered the room and said, "Did that bag steal your woman?" Spock grabbed the bag to stop it from swinging and threw the captain a look that stopped him in his tracks._

"_I do not share your sense of humor, Jim." Spock informed him. He resumed punching the bag and Kirk sat down on a bench near it._

"_What can you share? People are worried about you, in here wailing on that bag. Several people asked me to come see you for myself, and what I see is a little bit off-setting, Mr. Spock."_

"_Captain, I may not understand many things about humans, but I am most certain that this piece of equipment is properly being used at the moment. Therefore, there is no need for concern from yourself, nor from anyone else." Spock continued punching the bag._

_Kirk spread his hands before him and observed, "So, logic tells me that you and Lt. Uhura have had a fight."_

_Spock stopped punching the bag and stared at Kirk. _"_It is no concern of yours, Jim." Spock said._

"_I think it is. Spock, two of my best crew members, who are also two of my closest friends are having serious issues. One of my most level headed friends seems to be losing it, and my most level headed friend is in here, about to put years of wear and tear on that punching bag in one sitting... I don't know what's happening, Spock; but I am going to order both of you to get help."_

"_There is no help for me, here." Spock stated. He reached for his water bottle and took a sip, then sat next to Kirk on the weight bench. "Vulcans are not susceptible to human therapy. Our healing is completely reliant on our mental capacities and our physiology."_

"_Then, why the hell aren't you any better?" Kirk asked._

_Spock hesitated, but did explain, "I have a hindrance. Nyota and I are mentally bonded..."_

"_**She's** making you unwell." Kirk said. Spock did not like wording it that way. It made her sound responsible for how he was feeling, and this was in no way Nyota's fault. "I am ordering her to go to counseling, and Spock..." Kirk thought for a moment, "I am going to have to insist that until she is cleared by a trained professional that you take care of the children."_

_Spock tilted his head and defended, "She is not an unfit mother, Jim."_

"_Spock, you of all people must see the logic in my decision. The children are being affected by the things going on between you two, and it's my responsibility to make sure that they are protected from any abuse, even visual. As captain of the ship, I can not allow her to have control over them, until she is deemed mentally capable."_

Nyota gasped and looked at Spock as he slept on her chest. She had just seen his dream. _Had that conversation actually taken place?_ She thought back and she distinctly remembered having Spock take control of the children being her idea, but Spock had been quite willing to do so. He could have told her that the captain had already ordered it, anyway. That wasn't even important now, she decided. She stroked Spock's hair and kissed his forehead. She could hardly believe how hot he was, and according to his description of the phases of Pon Farr, he had not developed the fever yet. He was simply getting hotter, seemingly by the minute.

Spock awoke at some point in time in the middle of the night. Nyota was sleeping next to him, undressed. He himself still wore his uniform. He brushed a hand across her face and rose to get undressed, too. Not even a moment after he was naked, he climbed back into bed and began to fumble with Nyota's body. He heard her moan in her sleep, which only prompted him to further make advances at her. Within moments, she became moist enough, though she was still not fully awake, for him to penetrate her. Spock slid himself inside of his wife's wetness and began to thrust eagerly. Nyota awoke with moans and gripped the bedsheets as Spock rocked her from behind. Her mind was taking a while to catch up with her, but she knew that she was enjoying herself. She had no idea that she would be dealing with this sporadically, throughout the night.

When Nyota arose the next morning, Spock was not there. She found herself relieved. She was terribly tired and she had to work early on the bridge. She gathered herself up and prepared for work. She knew that with her low energy and with the Spock's endurance, that she probably should not skip breakfast, but she was running late. Perhaps she could allow herself to run a bit late, after all, she never ran late and she could always tell Kirk that Spock's illness kept waking her throughout the night. That much was true.

Nyota decided to make a breakfast run. She grabbed a quick potato, egg and cheese burrito and a coffee and ate it on her way to the bridge. When she got to the bridge, she apologized for being late, but froze when she saw Spock and Kirk staring at each other, standing so close that if it were not for their displeased looks, she might have thought that they were going to kiss. "Sp..." She did not have the chance to call out to him, for he turned quickly and stormed out, making a breeze fly past her as he did. She went after him, neglecting her tardiness, and her post altogether. "Spock!" She called out, jumping onto the turbo lift with him.

"Nyota, you must report to your station," he told her.

"What just happened? What did I walk in on?" She questioned.

"A mission has come up. We will not be traveling to New Vulcan in the same schedule that we intended. We may be able to reach our destination in a matter of days, but that is only if the mission does not exceed a short matter of hours. I, apparently reacted in a way that I did not mean to, and the captain was informing me of the difference in our ranks and positions, and ordered me to leave the bridge," Spock's voice was quite even, but she could hear that he was hurt... she knew that it was his own behavior, and not Kirk's that hurt him.

"Fine. We'll just endure it in our cabin. Why does it matter where you go through Pon Farr? What matters is that it is handled, right?" She asked.

"It is possible for me to accidentally destroy my surroundings during this time. I do not wish to destroy anything upon the ship. Also, if you suffer injuries, they will be very difficult to explain and if you find yourself in need of a doctor, here, the doctors will assume that sexual assault has been inflicted upon you. The best solution is to spend this period within the confines of a cave. It is less complicated and our privacy is not jeopardized..." The lift door opened and it was Kirk.

"Lt. Uhura, are you not working today?" He asked, not even looking at Spock. Nyota took Kirk's hand and pulled him onto the lift with them. Spock found himself dangerously aware of Nyota's fingers on Kirk's body.

Nyota said, "Captain, we need to talk."

"I have been trying to talk to him, and he has not been answering any of my questions. He has been completely uncooperative," Kirk said, finally looking at Spock, with hurt and anger, though, not with the frustration that his voice held.

"He is dying, Captain," Nyota said.

Now, Kirk felt that his breath had been knocked out of him. "What do you mean, he's dying?" He asked.

She looked to Spock for some kind of confirmation that it was alright to speak, then tried to vaguely explain, "I mean that the thing that is wrong with him is a very personal and peculiar condition for humans to understand. Vulcans dare not speak of it, but it changes them. It changes his behavior, and his mind frame, and if we can not get him to New Vulcan within a week, Spock might die. I may be able to help him here, but I can't be sure. It's complicated to explain." The look of sorrow and desperation on her face was painful for Kirk, but she wasn't really giving him anything that he could work with.

"Is that what I should tell Starfleet Command? That I can't follow their orders because one of my crew members has a situation that is complicated to explain?" Kirk asked.

Nyota sighed and said, "I don't know what you should tell them. I know that you should try _something. _Would Spock allow you to die, if he could help it?"

"Nyota, you know damned well..." Kirk started, but was interrupted by Spock.

"Do not call her that." They looked at Spock and he was speaking through his teeth, "Nyota does not like to be called by her first name. You know this. Everyone knows this. And this," he pushed Kirk's hand away from Nyota's shoulder. Neither Kirk nor Nyota had really paid attention that it was even there, "arm needs to be kept away from her person!"

"What the hell?" Kirk asked.

Nyota placed a hand on her cheek and told Kirk, "It is part of his condition, Captain. By the time a week is up, if he hasn't been able to deal with his condition, he will become bloodthirsty. Everyone on the ship will be in danger, even our children. He will no longer know who he is, or how to control himself. He will have to kill or to die."

"What is the option if he gets to New Vulcan?" Kirk asked.

Spock's fists clenched, but Nyota answered gently, "If he gets to New Vulcan, he gets to live... and he does not have to kill." She knew that it would bring shame upon Spock if she spoke about the mating part.

Captain Kirk sighed and said, "Very well. I suppose that we'll have to think of something to tell Starfleet Command. We certainly can't allow everyone on the ship to be placed in harm's way, and I do not want Spock dead, for sure." He folded his arms and looked at Nyota, "Are you coming to the bridge?"

She looked up at Spock and he said, "Go."

She and Jim got off of the lift, and he shook his head, "I never thought that I would ever see Spock react like that. Dr. McCoy said that Spock's vitals showed like he was being constantly injected with adrenaline, and that he would die if something did not happen to stop this. What are they going to do to him on that planet, Uhura?"

"It's quite personal, Captain," she answered.

"Is it safe for him to be around you and the children while he's like this? Maybe I should send him to the brig until we can get him to New Vulcan."

"I would prefer that you don't. He is degraded enough by his actions, Captain. Just, allow us to leave the ship as gracefully as possibly, please?"

"I will. I'll have Mr. Sulu change our course again and we should reach New Vulcan by Midnight.

Nyota could hardly wait for her shift to be over. She was so worried about Spock that she could hardly concentrate the entire shift. Nyota rushed into their quarters urgently, to find that there was no trace of Spock. She searched the bathroom, to be certain, but he was not there. For a moment, she worried that maybe something else had happened and Kirk_ had_ thrown Spock into the brig. Her heart rate accelerated as she rushed over to the ship's computer to question of his location.

"Commander Spock is in the gym," the computer stated. _The gym? The gym? He shouldn't be in the gym with his racing hormones. What if he hurt someone? Not only would he be put in the brig, but he could be imprisoned by Starfleet._ She darted to the gym where she saw a gang of women ogling over Spock as he punched a punching bag. She had heard that he had taken to doing this during their separation.

Apparently, it frightened people at first, but it did not take long for him to develop a cult like female following. Many of the ladies on the ship made quite a fuss of watching Spock as he punched the punching bag, especially when he combined the action with weight lifting. She heard a woman comment that she was sorry that she had missed him lift weights, but that she was glad that she got to see this much.

Nyota was relieved that he was fine. Now, she could catch her breath. She entered the area, bringing herself into view – into his view and into the view of his groupies. She threw them a dignified look, knowing that the Vulcan they currently craved was all hers, then she stood, front and center, in their midst, not concerned if she was in anyone's way. Who did they think that they were looking at him like that, anyway? Spock sensed her presence and looked in her direction. The look in his eyes said everything._ Take that, bitches,_ she thought as she suppressed a grin and nodded, curtly to him. He gave her a nod back and continued punching the bag.

The other women all threw Nyota jealous glances, but returned their focus to the hot, sweaty, forceful Vulcan, with his lean body and defined muscles. Nyota became self-conscious that when they became married, she looked different than she did, now; but he looked better now than he even did when they married. He looked better than he ever had while attacking that punching bag, too. She smiled. Spock was aware of her smile, as though it radiated light upon him, he turned in the direction of its formation and his eyes traced his wife, his _possession. _He longingly studied her from head to toe, blatantly, before he returned to his inanimate opponent.

A few of the women left, not being able to enjoy the sight of him as much while he was lusting over his wife. A few other women arrived, finding themselves even more interested by the fact that the Vulcan was giving out looks that they did not know that he was even capable of. No one was gullible. They knew that Spock and Uhura must have some level of passion. She was too passionate a woman to marry simply for the purposes of reproduction, but they had never _seen _passion from Commander Spock. (It was the sexiest thing that any woman in the room had ever seen.)

As Nyota watched him, shirtless and sweating, exerting his energy in such a forceful way, she tried not to melt in front of everyone present, which was no simple task. She rocked slightly, shifting awkwardly in response to the tingling in between her thighs. Spock stopped punching again and held the bag still. He studied her with hungry eyes. Nyota vaguely realized that a woman next to her fanned herself and said, "Whew! You are one lucky woman, Lieutenant." She slapped Nyota on the arm, but Nyota did not really feel it. She felt like she wasn't even in the room, like she wasn't even in her body.

At that moment, she knew that he knew his effect on her. He knew what looking at him like this was doing to her, and he relished in it. Spock returned to the punching bag, to cause her further torture. His punches were slower, now. He was pausing between the punches and looking to see the effect that each punch caused her. The punches were slow, but sharp, precise and stiff... seeing them reminded her of thrusts. She could not separate his punches from his thrusts as she watched him. Each time, she squirmed, she shuddered, and bit her lip to keep herself from crying out in ecstasy

The women present could not tell which was sexier – Spock's seduction of his wife, in plain sight, or her reactions to it. Nyota bounced on the balls of her feet as Spock punched the bag again, speeding his pace, and sex rushed through her mind. His thrusts rushed through her mind. He knew what she was thinking. He knew. Then, Spock punched the bag so hard that his fist went through it. Nyota lost her composure. She let out an orgasmic cry and she nearly toppled over when her knees became like mush. Most of the women present had made similar cries when Nyota had; however, as Spock removed his gloves, he was only focused on one woman – _his woman. _He began to come near her, but as he neared her, Nyota took off running. She knew that she had to make it to their quarters.

No doubt, Spock could smell her sex juices from the distance he had been from her, not to mention the fact that her cries of ecstasy drove him to the brink of insanity _normally _and she could only guess that now it would have an even worse effect on him. Now, with the look in his eyes as he came for her, Nyota seriously believed that he might take her as soon as he could get his hands on her, no matter where they were or who was watching. She did not dare to look behind her and determine his distance away as they ran. That would slow her down and he was already faster than her. She was more than just a little relieved when she made it back into their quarters before he could get his hands on her.

That relief was short lived. Spock had been right on her tail and upon entering the room, grabbed her forcefully and urged her to the floor. She had not caught her breath and his look was one which caused her a bit of fear. He touched her face and allowed her to enter into his mind. She was not being attacked. She was being implored. Though Spock's eyes were filled with a frightening lust, they were also tortured and pleading. He had been chasing her, and now, he had caught her and they were alone,but he would not proceed without permission. He still had control of himself. "Please, do not run any longer. I need you," he whispered.

Nyota swung her leg over his shoulder so that he could be in between her legs. She was amazed at how flexible she still was, to be able to effortlessly adjust herself from her position beneath him. Her flexibility did not go unappreciated. In fact, nothing about her was about to go unappreciated, this evening. Spock ripped her bloomers and her panties from her body. Unceremoniously, Spock pulled his hard throbbing cock from his pants and pushed himself into her soft, wet, luxurious body.

Spock slammed into Nyota, eagerly. He was hurting her, but she didn't complain. Although, she found herself worried about the fact that he would only get rougher as his condition progressed. She wondered if maybe she should have began having sex with him again earlier than she had. Maybe she would have been more prepared. She reached for Spock's face and he lowered himself to kiss her. He realized that he was hurting her, that she was worried and regretful, and he became saddened. His desire suffered for it and his intensity diminished, significantly.

Still connected to her, he could tell that the slower movements felt better to her than the rougher thrusts from moments before. He felt better knowing that he was no longer hurting her. He kissed her neck and she writhed beneath him. Her movements satisfied his deep digging instrument, but in the back of his mind, he shared her previous worry... what would happen when he no longer had any control over himself? She stroked his face to soothe his worries. He looked deeply into her eyes. She was beautiful. She was precious. She was everything. And, she was his.

Spock approached climax, and an urge to mark her overcame him. He ripped her uniform from her flesh, pulled himself out of her and ejaculated unto her skin. It wasn't the same as biting her, but it was a form of marking. An animalistic, embarrassing form, but marking, nonetheless. Nyota let out an exuberant gasp as the warm fluid splashed over her. She watched, surprisingly aroused as it fell beautifully onto the brown flesh of her belly, onto her red bra, and she shivered pleasantly when some of it even managed to kiss her chin. She smiled at the amount of it which poured from her husband and she sat up when he was finished to give the tip of him a playful kiss back. He smiled at her, but it quickly faded when he surveyed her appearance. She looked as though she had been attacked. It gave him flashbacks. It unsettled him. He stood up and quickly helped her up, as well.

He offered, "I must apologize. I went to the gym to try to burn off some energy. I had been dreaming about sparring with the bag, and decided that it may be helpful in helping me to deal with my body while I waited for you to come from the bridge. It was quite successful until I saw you. I looked at you and my desire flushed over me then I caught your scent and I saw how you looked at me... then I felt your thoughts and when you made that sound as you became excited..." he clenched her to himself with just the thought of the feeling of knowing that he made her orgasm without even touching her... "All of my reserve died. I could smell you, I could feel you. Perhaps I should not leave this room until we reach New Vulcan."

Nyota nodded and cupped his face. "That is a great idea. Let's wash up. I should have dinner with the kids."

The entire time that Nyota spent having dinner with the children was shadowed by looks. She even saw a couple of the women that she recognized from Spock's punching bag entourage eyeing her and whispering to each other, as they did. Nyota sighed. In a few more hours, they would be home free. Styik grabbed her arm and excitedly said, "Look, Mother!" but when he touched her arm she winced and he paused. He slid her sleeve up and saw a hideous bruise on her wrist. It appeared to be a hand print. She pulled her sleeve over her arm and he studied her face with questioning eyes.

She smiled at him and asked, "What were you going to show me?" He glanced at the two younger children and saw that they had not been paying any attention to the exchange.

He slid his computer to her and said in a soft voice, one that she knew was a hurt voice, although he would not push the issue any further, "I wanted to show you a holo of the first bonded Vulcan clone and her mate. Vulrak sent it to me." She looked at the screen and saw a young Vulcan girl, aged to probably fifteen, or so. The girl was the spitting image of T'Pring.

T'Pring had offered her genes for Vulcan cloning before she died. This clone was the first of the ones that Elder Spock and Tirza worked on with other Vulcan Science Academy elites. Nyota listened to the audio which accompanied the holo as the Vulcan girl stood, proudly next to her mate, Stonn. She had been named T'Pyza. Stonn, who had been imprisoned for a while for conspiracy and treason, had underwent having his memories removed in a Vulcan ritual, and for his participation was allowed a chance at a new life.

Nyota slid the computer back to Styik, "That is interesting," she said. "And I was thinking that I would never have to see T'Pring's face again."

"T'Pyza is the only face keeper, the rest of their faces have been reconstructed. Most of the faces will be reconstructed. Some Vulcans are requesting the ability to have clones with the faces of former loved ones. So there could be say, a T'Pring clone whose face is made to look like T'Pau's."

"That is interesting," Nyota said.

"I suppose it is easier when the model is not living. Father could have a Vulcan clone created from another's Vulcan genes, but made with your face. That is a possibility for the future, perhaps..."

She looked at him and said, "I think that enough clones have had my face for a lifetime."

"They were all reconstructed. I wonder sometimes when I meet African women in communications if any of them are possibly one of your clones. It's silly, I know. certainly, some of them decided to do other things with their lives after having their identities and faces changed and being released, but I still wonder about them. I'm curious about how they are faring," Styik said.

"I used to be curious about them too, but I decided to let it go, and stop wondering. I hadn't even thought about any of them until you mentioned it just now."

They sat in silence for a while, with the exception of Sytar telling Sanaa about his lessons of earlier. Then, Styik asked, "Did Spock do that to you?" She pressed her lips together. It had been a number of years since Styik referred to Spock as anything other than "Father", and she did not like the fact that he had faltered just now. It was a Fraudian slip that suggested to her that Styik did not consider Spock his father at the moment. Styik went on to say, "Of course you know that I have heard of his actions the past two days. I was even told that he was seen chasing you down the corridors, and that he looked dangerous as he did."

She placed a hand over Styik's and told him, "Spock is having his Pon Farr a little early." Styik took a deep breath. She studied him before asking, "What did _you _think was going on?"

"I have no idea, but none of it was good, and none of it was as simple as Pon Farr. I don't know why Pon Farr did not occur to me. I suppose that I assumed the worse things so that if it was a terrible thing, it would not have hurt as bad as that news that he presented to me after your attack."

Nyota and Styik never really talked about the attack. She thought it would be tasteless for her to bring it up around him. After all, he was a child of a raping, and he had carried the katra of his mother, a rape victim for long enough to have even relived her memories of the attack. He smiled at her and said, "I hate when you do that."

"When I do what?"

"When you start looking at me and sending me all of these pitiful images of me as some defenseless little boy that needs your nurturing." She jumped and pulled her hand away from his. She _did _forget to remove her hand from him at times, and even forgot at times that his sense of touch telepathy was incredibly sensitive. He gave her a sympathetic smile and changed the subject, "You need to subscribe to my database. It'll be even better for you to keep up with what I am doing while we are apart. I recently posted my mapped out future. I thought originally that if I shared my future's map, those who would come against me would increase, because they would have the knowledge of my goals at their disposal... then I realized that such an occurrence makes for a greater challenge in achieving my goals, and achieving them will become that much more of an accomplishment."

He moved the computer into her view once more to show her his very elaborate and graphic map of his future. The upcoming goals of the next few years, shown in words and images that reflected each goal. The youngest person to be admitted into the Vulcan Science Academy, the first Romulan to be admitted into the Vulcan Science Academy... she looked up at him and he explained, "According to Vulcan laws, New Vulcan, or otherwise, my heritage classification derives from the lineage of my father."

"You don't even know him."

"No, but I do not reject the fact that there is Romulan blood in my veins. It would be illogical for me to deny it," he said.

"Romulan blood and Vulcan blood is the same damned blood. They just evolved a little differently because of where they settled..." He took a deep breath and she returned to studying his map. She studied it for the rest of dinner.

The children were going to stay with Pavel again until it was time for the family to leave the ship. Nyota checked the clock. That would be within the next three hours. Hopefully, Spock was still okay without her.

She entered the room to find him meditating. She did not want to disturb him. Instead, she went to lay down. To be honest, she was pretty tired from all of his needs that she was meeting. Spock soon joined her in the bed. He did not seem as though he would be taking her, but he did wrap himself around her. She told him, "Captain Kirk says that we should be reaching New Vulcan by Midnight."

He corrected, "We will be in the orbit of New Vulcan in two hours, fifty two minutes and approximately..."

"I get the idea, Spock. How are you feeling?" She asked.

"I desire you," he confessed.

"Well, you are hiding it much better than you did earlier in the gym."

"It is a difficult task to keep one's control during this phase. It has been explained to me, however, there is no teacher such as experience." Spock spoke very closely to her ear as he said this. She felt his heat against her as his words became kisses on her neck, then licks, then tiny bites. She tried to be cool about it, but the moment that she moaned and squirmed, even just a little bit, Spock flung her across the bed and began forcefully undressing her.

Nyota found that she had little control over her movements. Wherever Spock placed her, she resolved to remain there, because when he had to move her back into position, the second time, he handled her a little bit rougher than he had the first time that he had positioned her. Her current position was very alarming to her, though. She had her face against the bed, her rump up in the air and her arms uncomfortably at her sides. Spock's face was buried in between the cheeks of her buttocks, which was one of the most wonderful sensations she had ever received. Generally, they kept away from anal activities, but this was she found simply divine, and could not keep herself from trying to wriggle away, because the feeling just felt too good to be felt.

Spock firmly held her in place and licked the length of her crack, venturing to his familiar wet treat sporadically, then returning his mouth's attentions to her round, delicious backside. She felt him bite one of her cheeks, then the other, a bit harder. He sucked on the one that he was biting, and she knew that she would have a passion mark there. Then, he went back to the other cheek and she yelped. She would have a permanent mark from that one! He licked at the wound that he had just caused. The taste of her blood, and the consumption of it, the drops of it on his tongue seemed to send him into some type of frenzy. "Oh my God," Nyota heard herself whisper.

She shut her eyes tightly and braced herself. If Spock was ever going to become interested in anal adventures, she truly wished that he had decided to do so when he had more control over his strength. _My hole is going to be ripped open! _She suddenly thought, with fear. Spock was knocking at the back door. She felt his hardness attempting to enter and she pulled herself away from him. Spock responded by pulling her closer to him, forcefully, but Nyota slammed her backside to him and crashed it into his penis, in an aggressive way. She was not toying with him.

Spock did not seem to take the hint and flipped her over. The look in his eyes was frightening. She said, "I don't want this, Spock," in a quivering voice. He tilted his head and looked at her. "Don't go into that other hole. Can you hear me? Do you understand?" She asked, searching his eyes, hoping that she could find some trace of her husband inside.

"I frightened you," he said, hoarsely. She nodded her head. He stroked his hands down the length of her front, lingered on her breasts, then moved to push her legs up towards her shoulders. "I will do whatever you ask of me, Nyota. Keep yourself in my awareness. I do not want you to be afraid of me. I do not want to do anything that you do not approve of." She knew that it was taking him a lot of effort to speak with her, to control himself, as much as he could.

"I belong to you Spock. You can have me, now." No sooner than the words were out of her mouth, Spock had slid into her front hole. She was relieved that he had heeded her plea. What did she expect? She didn't know, but she did know that for a moment there, she was afraid. She was terrified and she was not ready to do whatever he wished of her. That bothered her.

She had been claiming that when the time was ready, she would be available in whatever way he needed, but she had just practically run from him, refusing to allow him to do something that he seemed to want to do. Those problems fled her mind as Spock's desires flooded it. Her knees were almost touching the bed beneath her and Spock's thrusts were deep and hard. Painful. She yelped in pain, but Spock soon traced her face with his hands, alleviating her pain as much as his scattered thoughts would allow.

After a while, they heard the intercom. They were being called to the transporter room. "Spock, I think that it's time for us to go," she offered in between sex cries. Spock did not seem to hear her at all. She searched his eyes, she ventured through his mind. He was drowned in passion. He was unable to hear a single word as he frantically moved inside of her. She wailed in pleasure and pain. She worried, too. If they did not respond to the call, there could be a problem. "Spock?"

"Do not stop me," he said. She could feel that he was close to an orgasm. He was terribly close, and yet, it did not seem to be coming. Their call to the transporter room was repeated, this time more sternly. Spock was not stopping, at all, nor was he slowing down. Nyota tried to slap him out of his daze, but that only seemed to make him want her more.

Then, she realized something. He no longer had control. He could not control himself, and they were not yet in a position for him to lose control of himself. She struggled with him, some, but he kept her pressed firmly to the bed by her buttocks as he continued his crazed jabs inside of her vagina. She surrendered. There was no way that she could make him stop. Maybe they would wait for them. She wished that she could reach the intercom to give them word to try to give them longer. She did not want anyone to worry, and if she knew Jim, she knew that Jim was already worried.

"_Why are you thinking of him?"_ She heard Spock's voice inside of her head.

"_Spock, we have to stop. We have to get to the cave. We are in New Vulcan's orbit. We have to leave the ship so that you can get over this time in the right way."_

"_I must continue, Nyota. I can not stop now. I need you. Please, bear with me." _

His motions became more forceful and harder, she began to cry out loudly. She lifted her arms to stroke his chest and he grabbed her hands and pinned her arms above her. Nyota felt herself having an orgasm, an amazing orgasm, to which she cried out a long, shrieking scream that she could hardly believe was coming out of her. It happened, sometimes, and every time, she was shocked and embarrassed, even though no one was around to hear.

Spock began to climax too. From what she could feel from her presence in his mind, he was having multiple orgasms. The feeling of his made her scream even more. She could not stop herself. Spock was grunting. She was screaming. This was magnificent... then... disaster! The door swooshed open and she heard Jim's voice ask, "What are you doing to her, Spock?"

She heard a roar come from her husband, and in a flash, Spock was off of her. She did not have time to be thankful that he had kept his leisure pants on while he was with her. She did not have time to reach for clothing. She did not even have time to respond. By the time she gathered the sweaty, bloodied sheet around herself, Spock had already went after Jim. Jim had invaded his territory. Jim had seen his wife and he in their time of the most sacred privacy. Jim had even accused Spock of harming her. Oh, God... Jim was going to be killed!


	21. The Passion in Possession

**The Passion in Possession**

Nyota's heart tried to flee from her body via her throat when she saw Kirk pointing his phaser at Spock. She used all of her mental energy to try to reach out to her husband through their mental bond, but the attempt proved completely futile. Spock had advanced on Jim too quickly, and the weapon was slapped from his hand and he was picked up by his throat. The movement was so fluent that it looked like one motion, but Nyota knew that Spock was simply moving too fast for her to really see at that was taking place. She reached the door and called out to him, but he did not seem to hear her. He did not even seem to know that she was still there. Kirk had been slammed into the wall across the hallway, then picked up and thrown into the wall next to their quarters. She found herself truly afraid of Spock, at the moment.

Years before, when Spock had attacked Kirk in a fit of rage, she had not been the least bit afraid. She was more hurt for him than anything else. At that time, she suffered with the knowledge that Spock took a great deal of effort and discipline to keep control over his emotions and his actions. Seeing that control fail had broken her heart. Kirk was practically defenseless against Spock's strikes. His best moves, now were to try to dodge Spock. Spock's fist went through the wall by their quarters as Kirk darted towards his phaser. Spock kicked the phaser away from him.

The fact that Spock lost control would make him feel worse once he regained his mental capacities. That hurt her immensely, as it had when he attacked Kirk on the bridge after Vulcan was destroyed. But her hurt did not outweigh her fear. The look in Spock's eyes was so malevolent that she knew that Kirk did not stand a chance. What would happen to Spock if he did kill Kirk? It would not be as it was when he killed Livingston Kurok, the terrorist. That time, Spock had gone almost completely unscathed by the justice system. He held his own personal guilt, but he had not been convicted of any crime. But if a Starfleet captain was the victim, Spock's future was ruined. Not to mention the fact that Spock would never forgive himself for killing his best friend.

Nyota could hardly believe how quickly her brain was processing all of these things, even though the scene in front of her existed. Spock kicked Kirk, and Kirk hit the wall when he did. Nyota jumped as she saw this and despite her wisest thoughts, rushed out in front of Kirk and placed her hand up to try to stop Spock from attacking him any further. _Why the hell did she do that?_ Spock saw her, and he _did_ stop. He stared at her for a moment, as though his mind was communicating to him that she was not to be hurt, that she was not to be attacked.

She nodded, understandingly. _Please, don't hurt me. Please, don't hurt him. _But, then, his mind ventured somewhere else... he had attacked for protection of her, and she had interfered. She was protecting his _opponent_! Had she chosen his opponent, over him? She belonged to him! Nyota was his! Spock reached for her and grabbed her violently. Nyota screamed at the action and touched his face, "Spock, please!" He shuddered as he felt her love, her desperation. He knew that she was his. _Why had she interfered?_ He was confused. He was trying to understand everything that was happening, when suddenly, a sharp, burning pain hit him in the back. Nyota yelped, "Spock!" He clenched to her body and his eyes rolled into the back of his head before he collapsed before her, still holding on to her.

Nyota kneeled and touched his face, "Spock?" Kirk was breathing harshly and still pointing his phaser at Spock, although it was clear that Spock was out. She looked up at the captain with fear and sorrow in her eyes, "I'm sorry that he attacked you. We have to get him to the surface of the planet so that he can recover from his fever."

"His fever?" Kirk asked, struggling to pick himself up from the floor.

Nyota nodded her head, "Yes. The fever is taking over him now. He would have killed you, Captain."

Kirk was almost indignant. What was she talking about? He questioned her, "What about what he was doing to you, Uhura? After everything that the two of you had to go through with your recoveries, why would he attack you that way? Why not just kill you, like he was going to do to me?"

"He wasn't attacking me..." She tried to say.

Security had arrived, in response to the disturbance, but Kirk continued to speak to her, albeit, quietly, "Before I overrode your security code, I enabled your two way intercom, to check and see if everything was okay. With the way that he's been behaving, I was worried when neither of you responded to the page to the transporter room. When the two way intercom was activated, you sounded like you were being murdered, he sounded so savage. He sounded like an animal, and you sounded horrible. I thought that you were falling victim..."

"This is his mating time!" She snapped, finally too discombobulated to put up any more fronts. "Vulcans have a certain mating period where they have to mate or die and in that time, they can not control themselves as they normally would be able to. They have to mate to break these fevers that they develop and he wasn't attacking me, but he could not stop himself long enough for either of us to contact you. Are you happy with that explanation, Captain? Will you help me get him to the surface of the planet, now?"

Spock was put in restraints and taken to the transporter room. Kirk promised to be careful to have the children beamed to the coordinates for Sarek's mansion before ever bringing their father in his condition. Nyota went to quickly change into something that she could travel the hallway with. She searched for something that may hide her bruises and marks, but decided after searching too frantically for something that Spock's health was more important than his reputation, at the moment. She simply threw the clothes she wore to dinner back on and rushed to the transporter room to meet up with Kirk. She was able to cover the marks on her arms, but the bites and hand prints on her neck were on display for whoever might see her.

On her way, she passed by Janice and Christine. Aww, hell! She thought. Any other day, she might have been amused that she had thought of Toimu's outcry of displeasure, but tonight was a terrible night for this. Of course, both of them intersected her with questions and cries, wondering what had happened to her and if she was alright. She simply said, "I have to get to Spock, he's in danger!" And she pushed her way passed them. They could assume whatever they wanted. She needed to get her husband to that cave and back to himself.

When she came into the transporter room, Scotty startled at the sight of her. Spock was laying on the transporter pad. Kirk was standing next to Scotty and nudged his head towards the pad, informing her, "The children have beamed down, already and Sarek met up with them on the surface. Spock has already given us the coordinates for where the two of you need to beam."

Nyota nodded, gratefully and said, "Thank you so much, Captain." She stepped unto the transporter pad, equipped herself for the beam down, stroked two fingers across her husband's face and whispered, "I am yours, Spock. I belong only to you." He stirred slightly, at the sound of her voice. She stood up and nodded her head at Kirk.

"Energize," he said and watched as the two officers dematerialized on the platform. When they were gone, Scotty looked at Kirk, questioningly. Kirk waved a hand and said, "Don't even ask, Scotty. I'm going to medical bay." Kirk left the transporter room and headed for the infirmary. That damned Spock. Why did he have to be so secretive? If he had explained what was happening, Kirk could have given him the time to remain within his quarters and get it over it. Why did he have to go back to the planet for this? He hoped that if things did not go well that Uhura would be able to get help.

Nyota placed Spock on the pallet that had been set up for them in their cave. Thank God for Elder Spock. He had set up everything that they would possibly need in the cave for them. His first Pon Farr had been so miserable that he did not want Spock to have any problems for his own. Unfortunately, Spock _had _encountered problems with his. She hoped that Spock had been so out of it that he would simply forget the attack on Kirk, and more importantly, that he would forget the fact that he had almost assaulted her, as well. If Spock would remember handling her the way that he had, it would be difficult for him to forgive himself.

There was a fire lantern in the cave, so Nyota went to light a few of the candles that were inside, using the fire from the lantern. She found a cauldron of water over a fireplace, but there was no fire in the fireplace. She decided to light that, as well. She knew that this would make the cave hotter, but she wanted to use the water to clean herself up a little. She threw her clothes aside and got herself a nearby cloth to wipe away some of the blood from some of her wounds. It did not take the water too long to heat up and she appreciated the hot water on her sores. It felt best, though, when she placed the hot, wet rag between her legs and took a deep breath. That was so soothing. She was so sore and raw there._ It will only get worse when Spock comes to._

She grabbed a sheet and went to the pallet. Spock was still out. This bothered her. She wondered if the fever was overtaking him. She laid next to him and draped an arm around him. Upon her doing so, he reached for her and pulled her tightly against him. She noticed that he did not seem to be conscious, but his hold on her was the tightest that she had ever been held, even by him. "Spock?" His eyes opened.

He looked at her, then glanced around the cave with his eyes. His eyes then settled upon her again. "When did we get here?" He asked.

"Not too long ago. How do you feel?"

"Hot," he answered.

She nodded and said, "Sorry. I lit some of the candles for a little more light, and I heated the water to clean myself off. I'll put the fire out. That should help the heat." To be honest, she did not want to be any hotter than she needed to be, either. She got up and used two cloths to pull the cauldron off of the fire. She placed a nearby empty pot over the fire to kill it without ruining the wood. There was a great deal of smoke, and she held her breath against it as the fire diminished.

She turned to head back to Spock, and found that he had gotten out of the pants that he had on, before, and he was already completely aroused. She took a deep breath and climbed into his arms. "Do you remember what happened on the ship, Spock?" She asked, softly. He kissed her, without answering. "Spock?" She called in between kisses.

"Hmm?" He asked, still kissing her, touching her, groping her.

"Do you remember?"

"Why are you questioning me?" He asked. His voice was biting. He had just snapped at her, she labeled it, immediately. He took a deep breath and, in a softer tone, said, "I do not remember. Is it something that you need to share with me?" She shook her head and he pulled her to himself and kissed her deeper than before.

Spock's kisses trailed from her mouth, down her neck, and to her chest. He stroked his hand over the very first mark that he had ever given her. There were other marks on her now, but those had been accumulated within the past few days of his Pon Farr. This one was one of his favorite parts of her body. The mark, to him, was as natural on her as her own skin. It took him longer to learn to admire it than it had taken her. The fact that she so openly loved it helped him to appreciate it. He touched her mind and took her to the time that he had put it on her.

_Spock was inside of Nyota, practically falling apart. Vulcan discipline and teachings of logic had not incorporated a particular method of control to assist in the event that he was losing his virginity with his bonded mate. Was there not to be any level of control at this time? Was it acceptable, now that he was bonded, now that he and his mate were completely alone and coming together to consummate their bond? Perhaps, Vulcans took this time to allow themselves to lose control, and perhaps that was why he found it virtually impossible to hold himself back. _

_He could hold back to a certain degree. He was monitoring his strength, for Nyota's sake, determined not to cause her any physical harm. He was monitoring his stamina, also for her sake, determined not to release until she had been sexually gratified, first. But when it came to reactions to her, he felt almost out of control. He kept hearing these foreign sounds come forth from his lips, and he kept swallowing this overwhelming urge to mark her._

_His father had shared with him the information of mating with a bond mate... the fact that Pon Farr was a time that he would need to mate, the fact that Vulcan mating would be barbaric and savage, and that many times, Vulcans lost themselves in the act and in their mates, and that one thing that all Vulcans did, whether they wished to, or not, was mark their mates during mating. _

_Vulcans sense of passion and their sense of possession intertwined during Pon Farr, and the passion within the possession caused them to desire to stake claim to their mate, even though they knew their mate belonged to them, their minds seemed to need physical confirmation, like scientific evidence. The marking was a physical manifestation of the fact that this mate belonged to this Vulcan._

_But, what bothered Spock about his urges to mark Nyota on their wedding night was the fact that he was not going through Pon Farr. So, he did not realize that he would have the urge to mark her. He thought that perhaps he had more time to tell her about the marking urges and about Pon Farr. His father had pressed the issue of him sharing this information with Nyota before ever even dating her, then again before ever becoming engaged to her, then again before ever marrying her, but Spock had neglected to heed the advice. He did not know how to handle bringing the information up, then finally decided that it would be easier to explain after they had become bonded, because he could explain it while sharing his feelings about it. But, the issue of marking had come up sooner than Pon Farr. It had come up on their honeymoon in the cave._

_Spock touched her mind, entered it, filled her with his desire, with his urge to mark her, to claim her fully, with his mind, his heart and his body and when she felt his desire fully drowning her, he bit her! Nyota winced. The pain was terrible! Yet, she held him closer and ground against him, making his teeth rip her skin even more, and both of them, together came. Both of them made loud sounds, Spock grunted against her body, with her skin still in between his teeth. She had cried out, tightening her grip around his waist and around his manhood with her muscles, as she did._

_Spock shook, uncontrollably, trying to get himself back to center. Nyota whispered gently, "You bit me."_

"_I am aware, and I am sorry. I did not intend to hurt you." He did not want to look at her._

"_It did hurt, but... the feelings behind it were so sexy that the pain did not really matter. I have never felt anything like that before. What was that?"_

"_My father referred to it as the passion in possession, when he explained it to me."_

"_You... want to possess me?" She asked. He expected her tone to be angry with such a realization, but instead, she seemed... honored? "I belong to you, Spock. I have for quite some time, and I always will. You didn't have to bite me to possess me."_

"_I.. It... The biting was a means of making a physical manifestation of my possession of you. It is a Vulcan marking system that we apparently can not control."_

"_So... there will be other times?" _

_He tilted his head and said, "Probably so."_

"_Well, I hope that you don't mind, any other marks that you put on me, I am having them removed."_

"_And this one?" He asked, stroking a hand across the bite mark over her heart._

"_Are you kidding me? I'm not going to get rid of such a passionate gift. This one is my first one. It has sentimental value, but I'm afraid I have to draw the line at one. If you put bite marks all over me, that will reduce the quality of my skin that I have spent several hours maintaining the health of throughout my life." She kissed him on the forehead._

Spock looked at her marks and said, "I am sorry that I have defaced your body so."

"Don't think about that, right now. You're burning up. Don't you need me?"

"Yes, I do," He said.

She climbed on top of him and rubbed herself against his hardness until she was properly moist. Spock was restraining himself, some. Once she slid his portion into her space, though, that restraint was no more. Spock gripped her hips and pulled her roughly into his deep, hard thrusts. Nyota felt them deep into the pit of her stomach. If she still had a uterus, she knew that it would probably be useless after this. She was glad that she did not have to worry about such a thing, but the fact that it had crept into her head also made her think of the Platonian incident. Damn it! Would she ever just get over that? It was two years ago!

Spock winced at her and she stared at him, unsure of what was paining him. He reached up for her face and hoarsely said, "Release it." She did not know what that meant. Release what? "Release your pain. Share it with me, and allow me to take it."

"Can you do that right now? Are you cognizant enough to.."

"I have to protect you!" Spock said urgently. He was snapping at her again. She opened her mouth to refute, but before she could refute or respond, she felt him flood her mind. The level of protection that she could feel was astounding. She had always known that Spock was protective of her. He had been protective of her long before their romance began. "I have to protect you," he said, softer. The feelings returned to her – those feelings of fear and sorrow and hate that she had for the Platonians. They came up into her throat, and she thought that she might vomit, but instead, she felt this weight lift from her mind, from her heart, from her... her spirit? She looked down at Spock with new eyes.

Her look mirrored his, she was sure. There was severe passion. There was protection. There was possessiveness. There was persistence. There was claim and demand, and need... and love. Love like she did not even know existed. Spock threw her down onto her back and pushed himself deeply into her. Her heart was swollen and actually hurt with his emotions flowing through her body. He was incredibly hot. His temperature felt dangerous. She felt as though he could burn her alive. He was no longer focused upon her face, but his eyes were shut and he seemed to be engulfed in all of those emotions that he had shared with Nyota. Nyota pulled him closer to her. She wanted him near her, she wanted him inside of her. If it had been possible, she would have pulled him underneath her skin. She had never felt so free... then it was immediately followed by a hoard of negative emotions.

These were Spock's. His need for her was painful. His need to lose control, but his torment at the thought of hurting her if he did. He felt so conflicted and tortured, more than he ever had before. Could she handle him if he lost all control? _Release it! _She now commanded to him. If _she _had to release herself and let go of her emotions, he should do so, as well. Of course, her emotions were not as strong as his, but she insisted, "Release it!" She said and dug her fingernails into the back of his neck, like claws.

He groaned in utter abandonment to the movement, to her physical manifestation of the passion that he was showing her. As he thrust faster, harder, deeper, he did release his control, and his power, into her. Nyota was bombarded by need, and helplessness, by longing and fear, and desperation. Pon Farr was having a terrible toll on her poor Spock. Yet, she did not feel sorry for him. She respected him and loved him even more, even though she had never known that it was possible to love him any more than she already had. Spock had tried to keep himself restrained through some of the worse feelings in the universe. These feelings were deep, dark, and dreadful, but also... sweet.

This was so confusing, but she knew what she had to do. All he needed was to know that with him, she was safe, and that she was happy, and that she loved him. That was what he needed, because without those things, he would simply go mad. He would simply die! Maybe he would not literally die, as his physical needs were being met, but he felt that he would die without her love matching his own, without her protection matching his own. He needed her to survive, but she could let him go at any time. That scared him, so much. She never would have known if his walls had not fallen. She never might have known how much he considered himself to be hers, in every way.

Nyota's fingernails dug deeper into Spock's flesh and her teeth tore into his neck. He howled at the feeling. She surprised herself with the action, but bit harder and harder until she tasted his coppery blood on her tongue. She sank her teeth into the wound and kept her hold of his flesh, as he did the first time that he marked her. Up until this point, she had made no attempt to mark him. that simply was not how she showed her love. She showed her love in other ways, and usually, it was acknowledged, understood, and appreciated. Now, she felt the urge to make for him this physical manifestation.

Spock grabbed the back of her head and pushed her face closer to him as he came inside of her. Nyota squealed beneath him, feeling herself smothered by his hold and smoldering in his temperature. That did not even matter. At that time, she loved Spock so much that she gladly would have died right then just to have known this moment. Just as willing as he would have been to die not to hurt her, she felt.

Spock pulled from her hold and pushed her legs up, over her shoulders, in the position that they had been in earlier when Kirk interrupted. Nyota made sure to shut that memory out of her mind, for fear of enraging her husband. God, her thighs hurt, her vagina hurt. Everything from her waist down was throbbing with pain, and yet, she had no desire to stop. She wanted Spock again, and again, and again. Each way that he repositioned her body, she welcomed it, loved it. She marked him several more times throughout their sexual activities. At some point, she lost consciousness, and whenever she awoke, realized that Spock was still going at it. She quickly got back into the groove with him, trying to match his thrusts. She felt relief come from him upon her awakening.

Of course, he wanted her awake and responsive, able to accept him and love him through this. As she thought about that, it made her want him even deeper inside of her, again. The fact that he not only desired her love, but he literally needed it. No one would ever be able to know that they shared such a connection, but it was one that she now understood why Spock acted the way that he did, sometimes. Why he kept a firm grip on his emotions, and his actions, and what he expressed about them... because they were too much for him to handle. Now, he did not have to handle them. This was his time to let them all out, to let them shine, so to speak.

Spock rolled over and pulled Nyota on top of him to ride him, but he met her grinding with anxious thrusts. Nyota felt as though all of her muscles would collapse and she hoped that Spock could have the mind to relieve her of her exhaust. He did not seem to have the necessary control of himself to do so, so she doubted it, but it did not hurt to hope. She knew that she could deal with it, but it would have been more comfortable if she did not have to. Suddenly, she felt some of her pain begin to subside, and she knew that it was Spock making it so. She was so grateful for it, and the fact that she needed him, even while he was at what he considered to be his weakest moment, his moment of desperation and need, that fact made him lose control.

A loud roar came from Spock and he began to pump into her like he was operating a jackhammer. Nyota screamed and caught a hold of his chest for balance. Her fingernails dug into him, which accelerated his pace and enhanced his urgency for her. Now, all she could manage was high pitched yelps and grunts. Soon enough, Spock became louder, but Nyota became more silent. He was growling, howling, practically yelling. She was panting, with her eyes rolled into the back of her own head. "Nyota!" He called.

"I am here, Spock. I am yours," she replied. It felt as though a volcanic eruption had shot inside of her. She threw back her head and howled, herself. His orgasms were bursting from him, back to back. She was not counting, nor was she timing them. All she knew was that she was tired and hurting, and that she did not think that she could remain where she was. She tried to slide off of Spock, but he held her tightly. He had no intention of allowing her to move. He wanted every bit of himself inside of her.

She rubbed her fingers up and down his chest, feeling him ease her pain as he continued to have orgasms. She felt sweat pour off of him. She had never seen him sweat so profusely, and she realized... the fever had been broken. She laid herself on his wet body. After a while, she felt him shift to remove his body from being inside of hers, and he cradled her into his arms and stroked her skin. "Thank you," he said. She laughed at the statement.

He felt that it was quite inadequate, considering what he was thanking her for, but she looked up into his face with the most love and appreciation that he had ever seen and she said, "You don't have to thank me, Spock. I love you. You would have done even more for me." She stroked his face, but soon fell to sleep.

The scent of food awoke Nyota. Her eyes fluttered and she tried to sit up, "Ugh! Damn it!" She said, wincing in pain.

Spock quickly rushed over to her and asked, "Are you alright?"

"I'm in pain. Are there any hypos here?" She asked.

"No, There are not. I have taken it upon myself to deal with any pain that I have inflected upon you." He touched her face and began to sooth her mind and her body.

She shut her eyes and enjoyed this relaxing pain relief. She asked, softly, "Are _you _alright?"

"Yes. The fever has been broken. Any other urges, I believe may be meditated away."

Her eyes flew open as she said, "You believe? You better make sure, Sir."

"I am quite sure that you have taken far more than I should have burdened you with, my wife. I will not reach for you again. I must nurse you back to health. I have had the opportunity to contact the children and assure them of our safe arrival. Styik vowed to pass this information on to Jim." Spock wiped her face with a wet towel and as she struggled to sit up, she realized that her wounds had been tended to, and she was wearing a very soft robe. She reached up at her head and realized that he had even braided her hair for her. So protective.

Spock prepared a cup of soup for his wife and came over to her. "I have the opportunity to repay you for the kindness that you showed me." She smiled softly and accepted the first spoon of the soup. It was actually pretty good soup. Spock was not much on food preparation. He always made a nutritious meal, but as for taste, he generally lacked the creativity. She allowed him to feed her, then he put the cup away. Spock returned to the mat and adjusted the pillows there for her to lay on. Then, he gathered her into his arms and kissed her on the side of the head. Nyota placed her hands on his arms and fell back to sleep.


	22. Family

**Family**

She was well enough to get around. She and Spock cleared all of the items out of their cave to bring back to the mansion with them and Vulrak and Styik met them in a transport. Nyota rushed to hug Vulrak in greetings, then tousled with Styik's hair, although she knew that he would not appreciate it. Styik did not dignify the action with a response. Instead, he looked at Spock and said, "Father, you look well."

"I am well, Son," Spock replied. Spock and Vulrak offered each other proper greetings, and they all loaded the transport and made their way back to Sarek's property.

Nyota looked at a holo of a gorgeous, but pale Vulcan woman with blue-black hair and blood red lip coloring on the control panel of the transport and she asked, "Is that your wife, Vulrak?"

"Yes," He said, glancing at the holo, "That is my Chrissy."

"Chrissy? That's a strange name for a Vulcan."

"It was not her given name, but after being cast out of Vulcan many years ago, she settled upon Earth, changed her name and shielded her identity. She had no intention of returning to Vulcan civilization until after we met. I met her at a diplomatic conference. She was working as one of the officiators."

"So, the two of you have similar backgrounds and similar careers," Nyota said.

"Yes. I would have told you all about her sooner, however, I realize that in our time apart, there has been a drift and I certainly did not wish to inconvenience you with menial details."

Now, she felt pretty bad. This was the mildest version of the flack she would receive for drifting so far away from everyone after her attack. The bad part would come when she had to see her family. She dreaded the thought of what her mother would say. Hopefully, the woman would be too engulfed in playing with and trying to spoil the children to give it to her full blast. Nyota took a deep breath and said, "Well, she is very beautiful. Is that her natural hair color?"

"No. She changes it quite frequently. This is my favorite of her hair coloring."

Spock entered the conversation with, "Chrissy has served as a diplomat on more than six planets, with no previous training before her first position, on Earth."

"That's interesting," Nyota said.

Styik chimed in, "Hardly. She only received the recognition that she did because they thought that she was human. If they had known that she was Vulcan when she began her career, they would not have been nearly as impressed with her skills in diplomacy or politics."

Vulrak smirked at the words, but Nyota said, "That's too bold, Son."

Vulrak shook his head and said, "No, it isn't. It's true. Chrissy knows it. I know it, and many critics have come out with the same viewpoints since her _coming out _a few years back." Now, he snickered slightly. "Styik, however, was the first to say it to me. He said it the moment that I shared of my relationship with her to him."

Styik nodded and said, "Vulcans do not lie." Now, Vulrak and Nyota both laughed. Spock sat silently. He did not understand the humor in the statement. It was true... well, it had been true at some point. Vulcans of logic did not lie. He watched as Nyota, Vulrak, and Styik fell into a previous state of friendship... one that he could have been a part of if he had been more open with Nyota in their relationship when they were stationed on New Vulcan. The fact that he had allowed another man to become a better outlet for her emotions than him made him feel inadequate. Nyota had always tried to keep her friendship with Vulrak an understated necessity, but Spock could tell how much his wife had needed Vulrak's presence in her life, before. It bothered him some that after years apart, only speaking via transmissions, from time to time, they seemed to fall right back into their same old friendship.

Nyota glanced at Spock, then put her hand in his. When she did so, she looked into his eyes and smiled at him. Vulrak and Styik continued to talk, but Nyota fell out of the conversation. Spock found pleasure in the fact that gazing into his eyes right now seemed suddenly more important than whatever it was that she had been talking about moments before.

Ashaki and Mwinyi were both running around in their yard with Sytar and Suzak. Sanaa was seated on the porch with Tazar. Tazar was reading from a PADD and Sanaa appeared to be moping. Sytar and Suzak both had what looked like remote controls to Nyota when she got out of the transport, but when one was fired at Ashaki's back, she realized were water shooters! Relief flushed over Sanaa's face when she saw her parents. Ashaki had somehow fallen victim to both boys and Sytar and Suzak were shooting water at her, at close range as she laid on the ground, covering her face.

Mwinyi ran over to them and shot both of them with the water and Sytar made this dramatic, elaborate death scene of his shooting, at which, Suzak laughed. Nyota approached the house and said, "If I knew that kid had that kind of talent, I would have put him in the movies." Ashaki grunted, trying to get up, but it did not work. Styik rushed over to help Mwinyi help her up from the ground. Nyota smiled at her and gave her a huge hug. Then she hugged Mwinyi.

Suzak went for her , but Sytar gently pushed him back. "Only Grandfather and Grandmother get to get hugs first. It's my turn." He hugged his mother and she shook her head at his audacity with his cousin. Suzak waited his turn and when Nyota hugged him, she said, "You are growing very quickly."

He withdrew from the hug and pointed out to her, "I am growing at an average rate for full blooded Vulcan males."

Her mouth began a smile and she added, "And, Elder Spock and Tirza have rubbed off on you."

"They have done very well with me. Battling with my leaps of illogic is a constant struggle," Suzak replied, sounding far more Vulcan than the nine year old that she had just seen running about with her son and her parents.

Now, Tazar approached. She commented, "Suzak, you have already been caught in a fit of illogic. Better that you continue to be yourself in the presence of Uncle Spock than to pretend that you are a logical being." Nyota blinked at the girl's words. Tazar bowed slightly to Nyota and said, "I am Tazar, Daughter of Spock, and daughter of Tirza."

"I am Nyota, wife of Spock... um... of the other Spock."

The girl answered, "As one Spock is my father, and my mother is his wife, I need no further indication than simply the name of your husband. I can logically deduce that you are not the wife of my father."

"Of course," Nyota said. "You are five, right?"

"Affirmative," the girl answered.

"Going on thirty," Mwinyi mumbled in Swahili.

Tazar's eyes turned towards him and she said, "I certainly hope that was not a disparaging remark about my character, Dr. Uhura."

"No, Sweetie. Never that," Nyota said. Tazar took a deep breath and said, "It is nice to meet you again, Lady Nyota. I believe that the last time that you saw me I was too young to take you into my memory, but now that I am old enough, our next encounter need not be so formal."

"All of her encounters are formal," Ashaki corrected. Tazar lifted an eyebrow and Nyota nearly blurted out laughing at how much like Spock the girl looked.

Tazar turned to Vulrak and said, "Vulrak, am I to understand that you shall be my escort home on this day?"

"Yes, I shall. Are you prepared to return home?"

"Yes, I am," she stated. She placed her hands behind her back, just as Spock would and bowed her head in farewell. She did not give them the Vulcan salute, Nyota noticed, actually surprised. The girl then turned to Spock and _did _give him the Vulcan salute, which he returned.

Vulrak walked next to Tazar as they headed for her home. Nyota looked at Spock and asked, "Why did you get a Vulcan salute?"

"Because, I am Vulcan," he answered. Nyota glanced around. Suzak was still with them, but Tazar grew up with Suzak, so he was too familiar for him to receive the salute. Then, there was Mwinyi and Ashaki, then Sytar and Sanaa, both of whom were only a quarter Vulcan and probably not considered Vulcan by Tazar's standards.

Ashaki took a deep breath and said, "Well, I know that you're probably tired, Nyota. Why don't you come in and have a seat? And you, Spock." The adults went into the house and Styik sat down on the porch next to Sanaa as Sytar and Suzak resumed running around shooting each other with water shooters.

Nyota and Spock sat down on the couch and Mwinyi sat down in his favorite chair. Ashaki asked, "Do you want anything?"

Nyota called out, "Actually, I have been eating vegetable soup for the past few days, do you think that I could get something with some meat?"

"I can replicate something for you."

"A double patty turkey burger would be excellent," Nyota suggested.

"I also have some of Papa's tea brewed," her mother told her.

"Oh, yes. I haven't had any in years."

"And you, Spock, will you have any tea?"

"That would be pleasing, Mrs. Uhura."

Ashaki shifted around in the kitchen and Mwinyi stared at the couple seated before him. Nyota was nervous. She had not seen her parents face to face since the accident, well, since _before _the accident, and she still did not know how they took everything. Mwinyi began talking, "Did you know that Toimu and Mara got engaged?"

Nyota gasped and her eyes widened, "No! I did not know that! Wow! That's good news, right? I mean, Mara's a great person, so..." she silenced herself. Mwinyi stared at her for a while, unable to ask her anything too personal. A xenopsychiatrist, bothered at the thought of hearing someone's feelings or thoughts. He had always been the worse when it came to that subject with his own family.

Spock noticed Nyota's discomfort and decided to speak, "I believe that it shall be beneficial to have Samara as an addition to the Uhura house. She has very impressive genetics and will make fine grandchildren for you, if they decide to have children."

"We _have _fine grandchildren!" Ashaki called from the kitchen.

Nyota felt her stress easing up as she laughed, "Really, Mama? After like four years, you still don't approve of Mara and Toimu?"

"It doesn't matter how long they are together, I knew day one that she was wrong for my baby. I don't know why he would want to marry somebody who tampers with the mind anyway!" She froze then looked at Spock, apologetically. She said, quietly, "I only meant, someone in her line of work."

"You mean, someone in the same line of work as Baba?" Nyota asked.

"No. Your father is an exception amongst xenopsychiatrists, he always has been. That is why when the Vulcans figured out that they needed one, they sought him out. Mara is one of the other types – the ones who enter the field to see how far into somebody's mind that she can get and to see how well she can do at getting in there. She is in her field of work for glory, not to help people."

"But, she is very helpful," Nyota said. Mwinyi cleared his throat at the statement. Nyota's eyes met his and he slightly shook his head. "I don't believe it," Nyota mumbled.

"What's that?" Ashaki called as she reentered the room with two cups of tea on two saucers. Spock accepted his tea, first, then Nyota.

"Mama, yo-o-ou... do realize that Mara was commissioned to the Enterprise for the treatment those of us who were affected by the attacks, right?" Nyota asked, setting her saucer on the table in front of her.

Ashaki sighed and folded her arms. She had not been told. Ashaki shook her head and said, "Well, I suppose that's why your treatment took so long to set in."

"Mama, the patient has more control over the treatment and how it takes affect than the doctor."

"Or so you were told. Mwinyi takes all of his patients treatments as seriously as he does his own life," she reentered the kitchen, calling out as she did, "Tell me that she did not approach your treatment like it was some kind of experiment that she needed to write a dissertation on later." Ashaki reappeared with Nyota's food, "And I will look you right in the face and call you a liar, because I know that's how she did it. That's how she works. She uses tricks and tactics and games. She is so unprofessional. She handles her relationships in the same way, and Toimu is being foolish to want to marry her."

Spock sipped his tea, then commented, "Mrs. Uhura, thank you for the tea. This is one of the best teas that I have encountered, and I do not have the chance to consume it as often as I would like."

Ashaki sat down in a chair next to Mwinyi and said, "Oh, don't mention it, Spock. Don't mention it." She twiddled with her hands, then asked, "So, are both of you feeling alright? Can I do anything to make either of you more comfortable?"

Nyota chewed on her burger, and shook her head. Spock also replied, "No, Mrs. Uhura." Then, he turned to Mwinyi and asked, "Have you have the opportunity to become familiar with any of the Vulcan clones?"

"As a matter of fact, I have. There is one who is training at the institution beneath Dr. T'Priu. I believe that she is her clone, although, her face has been reconstructed. She is a fine young woman. The clones are given enhanced speed learning therapy upon their awakening. Literally from the time that they are awakened to the time that they are grown to the age that they cease to age, they are hooked into a machine that programs into them an existence."

"That seems cruel," Nyota said, then took another bite of her food.

"Cruel?" Mwinyi questioned, "What is cruel about being given an identity, about being given knowledge necessary for survival?"

Nyota placed a finger up to indicate that she wished for him to wait until she finished chewing. She swallowed and explained, "That is not the cruel thing about it. What is cruel is the fact that they are given false identities. They are portions of other beings, grown to be but a shadow of that former being, and programmed to be someone else, anyone else. That is so unfair. They should be able to be created, raised, taught, as normal and grow up to be whatever they decide to be."

"While that argument does seem more, _fair, _as you labeled it... It is necessary that some of New Vulcan's stations, positions, occupations, etc are filled for the planet to function as Vulcan once did. It is necessary that Vulcan males find mates that they can bond with, and until we can get to the point where we have enough members of the species, I am afraid that logical decisions must be made, no matter how unfair they seem," Spock said.

"You mean, no matter how unfair they _are._" She corrected and took another bite of food. It had just occurred to Spock that he and Nyota never discussed the cloning project between each other. He had not known her full opinion of the subject. She obviously disapproved.

Mwinyi seemed to read his mind, and told him, "Don't think too deeply into Nyota's response to the cloning program. She is biased against clones."

"Biased against clones!" She nearly spat her food out as she cried this out. She shook her head, lifting her finger again. Spock looked at Ashaki, who seemed slightly amused and slightly exhausted.

Ashaki leaned forward and said, "Spock, I don't know how to tell you this, but you have just started a legendary Mwinyi VS Nyota verbal battle." Spock's eyebrow shot up. He had heard of such battles, although he had to admit that he had not spent enough time with Nyota and her parents at the same time to ever witness one. What he did know was that many times, Nyota's final result was becoming angered and sometimes emotionally hurt. He hated the thought that he had possibly placed her on such a path.

Nyota placed her half eaten burger down and said, "I am not biased against clones! I am_ for_ the rights of clones, whom you all don't seem to see as people. I am against CLONING! That's because I know how difficult getting it right can be. I have seen it. I have seen clones die because the creator made one little mistake here or there. To create life seems like such a precious gift. These Vulcans create these clones and they just, they just, treat them like clay to be molded and form into some type of tool to build the future. How about allowing them the chance to choose to build their own future?"

Mwinyi gazed at his daughter for a while, and she could have sworn that she saw hurt brush over his features before he said, "You are absolutely right, Nyota. I wish that there was some other way, but as of right now, this is the only chance that the Vulcans have for rebuilding. I'm sorry that we brought up such a sore subject." He glanced at Spock.

Spock in turn, looked at Nyota. Nyota was eyeing her father suspiciously. He had just backed down from a debate with her... one that she knew that he did not agree with her on. In thirty seven years, she had not seen him do such a thing. She sadly reached for her burger when she realized why he must have done it. Pity. Spock and Mwinyi began to talk about something else. Nyota finished her food in silence, forcing a smile each time Spock glanced at her with puzzled concern. After she finished eating, she asked, "Mama, you have any wine?"

"Yes, baby. Walk with me," Ashaki said. Nyota almost groaned. She knew her mother's "walk with me's" included probing her about her true feelings about something. She had done it when Nyota graduated from Starfleet and thought that Spock was leaving her forever. Now, she was going to do it again. This better be some damned good wine.

Spock and Mwinyi watched the two women leave the room and Mwinyi asked, "How has she been?"

"She has recovered quite well, Dr. Uhura."

"I have never met anyone who insisted on remaining so formal with his father-in-law after nine years of marriage!"

"Dr, Uhura, I am afraid that I would not feel comfortable discussing this matter with you under any other circumstances. This is confidential, correct?"

"Yes, it is."

"I have not had the opportunity to say these things to you, which I have wished to say. I wish that I could have been stronger. I wish that I could have prevented what happened to Nyota, both during the incident with Livingston Kurok, and with the Platonians. Certainly, you must feel that my level of protection for your daughter is inadequate. Combined with the level of emotional distance that I have subjected her to in the past, I see no reason for you not to highly disapprove of your decision to allow me into your family and to trust me as the protector of your daughter. I apologize to you for having failed in this regard."

Mwinyi stared at Spock for a long time, trying to soak in everything that Spock had just said to him. After a long time, Mwinyi finally responded, "Spock, none of those things were your fault, Son. While I hate the fact that my daughter was hurt the way that she was, I know that there must have been no possible way out of it, because I know for a fact that if there was, you would have figured it out and that you would have gotten her out. Livingston was a madman! And the thing with the Platonians was a risk that Nyota took on when she took on getting on a starship for work. As far as your emotional distance from her, I have never seen anything to indicate to me that you and my daughter do not love each other wholly. I approve of you more today than I did when you first spoke with me about marrying my daughter, as though you were taking upon an important mission and had to pass a crucial interview, first." Mwinyi smiled, slightly thinking about about unsure of himself Spock seemed when he had that discussion with him. Mwinyi went on to say, "And I trust you with Nyota's life. She does, and I have come to learn over time that she does not make unwise decisions. Sometimes, the decisions seem impulsive, but in the end, she's right more times than I ever gave her credit for in her youth."

Spock took a deep breath and Mwinyi smiled at him. They began to talk about the cloning program, again, both agreeing that when the women returned, they would quickly switch their conversation to the new simulated interactive computerized 3D chess consoles.

Ashaki went searching through the wine cabinet. as she did, she asked, "You want to talk about it?"

"About what?" Nyota asked.

"About whatever it was about that debate with your father that made you sink into the seat," Ashaki answered.

"Mama, do you remember when Spock and I were getting ready to leave, and you had some things to say about me leaving?"

Now, Ashaki froze and stood up straight. She sighed, shook her head and said, "I am sorry, Baby. I never would have wanted you to go through what you did. I never should have said what I did, either. I promise you, it was not your fault, what happened to you." Ashaki's eyes were damp with tears.

Nyota shook her head and said, "I know that it wasn't my fault, Mama. I was just thinking, you had a point. The thing of it is, now that I have gotten to the point where the whole incident is almost all the way behind me, I have come to see that although it wasn't my fault, I placed myself in the position. Now, I have to be a woman, and accept what happened, and move on. It's been hard, but I feel like I've done that, then the unthinkable happens. I come into this house, and I'm feeling like my old self, enjoying my time in your presence and in my own skin, then Baba looks at me with these sad eyes that seem to say_ "My poor little girl", _and I realize that even after I get over it, I will have to deal with those who have not had the chance to get over it. That's tough to accept, after you think that you're all better."

"Trust me, I understand," Ashaki said.

"Mama, you, you've been...?" Nyota searched her mother's eyes.

It took Ashaki a moment before she understood the question and she cried out, "Why, no! I meant my mental condition. I have been recovered now for a good four years, and there are still V'tosh katur that look at me like I am an apparition. Styik at times, has this glazed over look in his eyes, and mostly, your father will look at me – real strange, like he's frightened that any moment, I'll be a catatonic again. It hurts to have anyone deal with me that way, especially loved ones. But, the way that I deal with it is I take a deep breath and I ask myself how would I handle it if I was them? It has made me be able to empathize more and it has helped me to understand my importance more. I knew Mwinyi loved me, but now I have an idea of how much it hurt him to be without me. Bad things happen to everybody, but as I have always told you..."

"That which does not kill us only makes us stronger," Nyota said, before Ashaki could.

"Right! Now, if you see someone look at you, and it seems that you have not earned the reflection of emotion in their eyes, present the correct one."

"What?"

"If somebody looks at you with pity, just show them your strength. You don't have to be brash about it, just ignore their pity and continue in strength. Eventually, their mind will realize that when they look at you, they see strength, not someone to pity." Nyota nodded her head. Ashaki tilted her own head and asked, "Girl, who braided your hair?"

"Spock did."

"I hope that you don't let him in Sanaa's hair!" Ashaki laughed, finally pulling out a bottle of wine.

"In Spock's defense, I was asleep when he braided my hair!" Nyota said.

By the time the family made their way to Sarek's mansion, Nyota felt much better about everything. She even wished that she had spoken with her parents before now, but then, she assured herself that she would have needed to get better on her own before even being susceptible to any of their words. Well, her mother's words. Her father did not seem to wish to address her about anything delicate at all. She would just have to show him her strength, as Ashaki had suggested. He and Spock seemed to have established some type of new alliance, though. The two of them were more amicable with each other than she had ever seen them be. She decided that she would not question Spock about it, that might make him self conscious, and that could ruin whatever it was that had changed between the two men.

Spock opened the door of the mansion and saw Styik seated next to Sarek on the couch. Sanaa was on her grandfather's lap. Suzak and Sytar had stayed at the Uhura house with Spock and Nyota, while Styik had taken Sanaa to the mansion, earlier. Sanaa was looked at something on the computer when Sytar came rushing into the common room cheering, "Greetings Grandfather!"

Sarek touched his fingers to the boys and said, "Greetings, my grandson. I trust that you have enjoyed the time spent with your grandparents. You are quite an example of getting dirty."

Sytar looked down at the filth on his clothing, smiled and said, "Grandmother Ashaki said that little boys are _supposed to_ get dirty."

"Illogical," Sanaa commented, under her breath.

"Sanaa doesn't know how to have fun, that's why she said that," Sytar said to Sarek, as though explaining something to him.

Now, Sarek stood up and placed Sanaa on the seat. "Please refrain from tracking your filth unto the furniture, Sytar," he said.

Sytar placed his hands behind his back and said, "Yes, Sir."

Sarek went to greet Nyota. She reached out to hug him and give him a kiss on the cheek, and to her surprise, he tensed up at her action._ Not you too, Sarek? _She silently sighed as Sarek did return the gesture, albeit, stiffly, and he greeted Spock, as well. "It is agreeable to see both of you again. Daughter, I regret the distance that has grown between us. Hopefully, this may be rectified in the future."

"Yes, it will be. I seem to have distanced myself from much, but I plan on closing in all of those gaps. Are Elder Spock and Lady Tirza here?"

"Elder Spock and Lady Tirza have their own mansion," Spock stated. Nyota nodded. Spock had told her that over a year ago, but she had forgotten about it.

"Well, how have you been, Sarek? Have you remarried or anything significant that I may have distanced myself from hearing about or remembering?" She asked.

"Ah, yes. I have quite a bit of news just as what you are seeking. This shall be news to you and Spock, as well. I have had a mate constructed for myself."

Nyota winced and questioned, "Constructed? You mean cloned?"

"That is what he means," Spock said.

Nyota forced a smile, "That's great."

"We have yet to become bonded, because she is still getting used to everything, but she is of a fine Vulcan lineage and she has been programmed to be a xenolinguistics teacher and a diplomat's wife," Sarek said. Spock took a deep breath and lifted an eyebrow.

Nyota glanced at his subtle bothered reaction and commented, "I like her already, Sarek."

"Spock," Sarek stated, "In order not to shock you, I must inform you..."

"You have given her my mother's face," Spock stated. Nyota froze when she saw the Vulcan woman entering the room.

Sarek turned to face her and announced, "Ah, T'Puau. Come, meet my son and his wife."

The Vulcan woman nodded stiffly to Spock and to Nyota, "I am called T'Puau."

Nyota said, "I am Nyota. This is Spock."

Spock simply stared at the woman. He was completely speechless and terribly unnerved by her presence. It was like a doppelganger. It had his mother's lovely face, but her face did not look loving. It had her soft eyes, but their looks were not gentle. He looked at the points on her ears, and ironically, that was the least noticeable difference between this Vulcan clone and his mother. Spock looked at his father, still unable to speak. Sarek had been talking about when he planned on bonding and other things with Nyota, who seemed just as bothered by T'Puau's presence as he was, although, again, ironically, Nyota seemed more able to handle interacting, despite her feelings.

After the woman left to return to her quarters, Spock's frustration shone on his face, "Why did you do that?" He asked, unable to believe his own tone. technically, he was still in Pon Farr, although his fever had broken, he still had some other things to meditate through.

"Because, I must face the fact that I will be in need of a mate. Therefore, I had one constructed to suit my needs."

"That... clone. Why did you construct it to look like my mother?" Nyota frowned at his calling of the clone "it." She knew that it was an emotional response to the clone's face, but she did not like that way of reference.

Sarek simply answered, "Because I wished to have another chance to look upon your mother's face."

"Even if it is so clearly not my mother?" Spock asked.

"Spock, one day, you shall lose Nyota. You will see that doing so is a very difficult thing. One's decisions after losing a mate, especially one as dear to me as Amanda was, one's decisions may be difficult for others to comprehend." Spock simply frowned.

Nyota shook her head and said, "We understand that. All of us react to different tragedies in different ways, and sometimes, the only one that can see why we did what we did is the individual in question." She looked at Spock, who simply pressed his lips together. Nyota looked back at Sarek and said, "Well, _I _understand. T'Puau seems to be a most logical mate, do you agree, Spock?"

Spock tilted his head. From what he did hear of her, she did seem to be quite logical. Spock had no choice but to respond, "Yes, I believe she is a logical woman, Father."

Nyota awoke when the sun shone into the blinds. Spock was either already up or had not gone to sleep. She climbed out of bed and threw on some leisure clothing. She went to search the place for signs of life. She heard a deep rich voice, easily recognizable, as it was so much like her husband's, but clearly someone older. She went into the dining area, and saw Elder Spock and Tirza seated at the table with Spock and the children. She smiled brightly and went to hug Tirza, first, then Elder Spock. Then, she lifted Sytar up from his seat and sat beneath him.

Spock was staring at something on Nyota's body and she looked down to see that her neck and collar bone were out, and they were both still black, blue and purple. She closed the over shirt around herself and smiled shyly. Elder Spock said, "Miss Uhura, I heard that you have had the chance to have your first actual verbal exchange with my daughter. I hope she did not come across as too judgmental."

"She came across as intelligently as I would expect a daughter of yours and Tirza's to be." She looked at the girl, who was just as dark as her. Tazar was seated next to her mother, mimicking her poised, erect form. It was a little unnerving to see. "She is very logical," Nyota added, for lack of a better word.

"Your daughter appears to be logical, as well, considering her flawed environment," Tazar said.

Elder Spock raised an eyebrow and informed her, "Such speech is offensive, Tazar."

"It is illogical to take offense," she countered.

"Do not debate when you are being chastised," Tirza stated. Tazar took a deep breath and Nyota saw a flicker of disappointment across her features. It was much more subtle than Spock's, but Tazar was only a quarter human. Tirza said, "Lady Nyota, I apologize for Tazar's unnecessary observation. The children at school give her problems for her genetic makeup, despite her unfailing logic, and it causes her to believe that humans are indeed flawed. We try to teach her that her human genes are not a disadvantage, merely a difference. She has yet to grasp an understanding of this."

"Oh, I'm not offended," Nyota said.

Sytar pressed his lips together and said, "Well, I'm offended, and I demand an apology!" He slapped his palm against the table, repeatedly.

Nyota grabbed his hand and laughed. "He got that from a movie," she said. Styik was in the seat next to her, snickering. As the Vulcan adults engaged in conversation, Nyota turned to Styik and asked, "What have you got planned for today?"

"Nothing whatsoever," he replied.

"Want to go to New Hope after breakfast?" She asked.

"Shouldn't you and Father be making plans?"

"Spock generally makes plans with his Vulcans when we're out here, you know that."

"I know that he generally does, but this morning when Elder Spock asked him of his plans for the day, he informed him that he wished to wait until you awoke and discuss the matter with you before making any decisions."

Nyota stared at him for a moment, then muttered, "Liar."

"Vulcans do not lie," Styik said. Then he said, "And, I'm offended and I demand an apology!" He and Nyota began to laugh at the reference to one of Toimu's movies, and Sytar, hearing them laughing began laughing too. Nyota looked at Tazar. Poor thing. She had no idea what was happening and her reserve did not allow her to admit that she was curious.

Sanaa climbed out of her seat next to Tazar and said, "They behave this way." She walked from the table back and headed for the common room. Tazar collected both of their breakfast plates and went to put them away in the kitchen, then, she went to join Sanaa in the common room.

Nyota covered her mouth, unable to stop laughing and offered, "I'm sorry. Styik is so silly!" No one had taken any offense at the table. The two affected persons had already dismissed themselves. After catching herself, Nyota finally looked over at Spock and asked, "Do you have any plans today?"

"Currently, I do not."

"Would you like to go to New Hope with me?"

"I shall enjoy your company, no matter where it is that we shall go," he stated. She looked at Elder Spock and Tirza to see if either of them had reacted to his outward show of emotion, but neither of them did. This entire trip had proven to be quite therapeutic. This was her family. No one had judged her at all for anything that she had or had not done recently, and Tirza seemed much more relaxed about her illogic now, than she had before.

Elder Spock suggested, "We could make a family day out of the event. Tirza and I have not been to the passionate Vulcans' community in quite some time. Perhaps, if you are open to the idea, we may accompany you on your trip to New Hope."

Spock looked at Nyota, who smiled at the thought of a double date with the two Spocks. She looked at Tirza.

Tirza nodded her head once and Nyota said, "That is agreeable."

The children had been left with Styik while the four adults had ventured to New Hope, the community of the Vulcans of passion in this part of New Vulcan. Tirza and Nyota walked beside each other, both trying to alter their interaction a bit, to meet each other, halfway on what was acceptable. Nyota looked at a little red building and reached for Spock's hand.

Spock and Elder Spock had been walking behind the two women, admiring them as they held their two separate conversations, but when Nyota noticed the building and reached for his hand, he froze. The three Vulcans with her stared at the building and Tirza asked, "Do you know what that building is?"

"Yes, I was the first customer in that building," Nyota said.

Tirza looked at Elder Spock and said, "There will be much discussion about us if either of us were to step foot into such a place."

Nyota urged, "Oh, have things changed so much since last I was here that there is not much talk about you, now?"

"She has a point, Tirza," Elder Spock said.

Nyota pulled Spock's hand and led him to the store, "We're going in," she said.

Elder Spock headed for the building, as well. Tirza stared at him, and he paused and turned to face her. He reached his hand out for her and when she accepted it, he pulled her to the shop, just as easily as Nyota had pulled Spock.

Spock whispered to Nyota, "Your charm over Vulcans will never cease to amaze me." She tilted her head in confusion, then turned to see Elder Spock and Tirza entering the shop. Spock said, "I am not too surprised that Elder Spock entered, as I am the fact that Tirza did."

"Just like you, underneath all that Vulcan reserve, Tirza is a freak," Nyota commented.

Nyota had entered this sex shop before the grand opening of New Hope, well the owner had called it an erotic center, or something that Nyota could not too much remember. Nyota couldn't remember the woman's name, either, even though she had a relationship with Toimu that had ended horribly. Nyota presumed that was why the red head Vulcan kept her distance from them, only being polite, but not nearly as helpful as she had been the first time Nyota came... either that, or she was taken aback by the presence of three logical Vulcans in her establishment.

The four of them spent more time there than Nyota would have guessed that they would have allotted. After she had gotten them to cross the threshold, she found that all three of them were tremendously curious about a number of items in the place. She thought that it was most likely scientific curiosity, until she saw Tirza sneak over to the counter and purchase enough to fill a large red, plastic, shopping bag. Nyota pretended not to see her as Elder Spock seemed to be trying to keep Nyota's attention on something that Spock was studying. After Tirza's purchase was complete, Elder Spock left Nyota be. She and Spock made a few purchases of their own, and the two couples hit a few other places before retiring from their time together.

Nyota was wrapping her hair with the brush, looking in the mirror and laughed to herself for what Spock counted as the seventeenth time. She shook her head and muttered, "Sorry."

"Nyota, I would like for you to share this humor with me," he said.

"Well, I just keep wondering what in the world Tirza bought that could fill up a bag that size. It didn't look like one big item to me. It looked like several items, because the bag was all lumpy," she said.

Spock could not help but smirk as he pointed out, "Well, if Tirza is going to be able to handle a man with my, or rather Spock's desires, she must have more to her than what some people may assume."

"You're right about that!" She tied a green scarf around her hair and arose from the stool, wearing a green garment that she had bought earlier. Spock opened his arms to collect her for the night. "I'm a little nervous about getting back on the ship tomorrow. You really had them worried before we left."

"Do not bother yourself with that. It may interfere with your attention," He said, rubbing her against his erection.

She laughed and and shook her head, "No, nothing is interfering with my attention tonight."


	23. Epilogue

**Epilogue:**

**The Future Is Secured**

He certainly looked like he could possibly be the First Officer of the Enterprise. This Vulcan who just beamed aboard the ship next to Lt. Uhura and two children – Sytar and Sanaa... This Vulcan with deep, chocolate brown eyes, slanted eyebrows, a bowl haircut and pointed ears did appear to be a familiar Vulcan. He appeared to be Commander Spock.

Captain James Kirk and Dr. Leonard McCoy had seen this same Vulcan on numerous occasions, had been dear friends of his for several years, and yet... they both felt like they did not know the Vulcan that stood before them. Both of them stared silently as he approached them, lifting his daughter up from the ground as he did. Kirk studied him, suspiciously. He just did not look like the same Spock that Kirk was used to. Then again, he did not look like the Spock beast that had tried to kill him a couple of weeks before, either.

Spock paused in front of Kirk and said, "Captain, I have been made known that an apology is in order. I fear that during my time of struggle, I may have caused you some harm. While I do not remember this occurrence, I extend to you a sincere apology."

Kirk tilted his head and said, "No, don't worry about that. I was alright in a matter of days..." He clapped his hands together, once and stared at the Vulcan, "Spock... are you... alright?" Nyota walked up behind Spock with one of Sytar's hands in hers and Spock reached over to take her free hand.

"I am not alright Captain. I am surprisingly well," Spock answered.

Nyota nodded to Kirk and said, "Hello, Captain."

Kirk smiled and said, "Welcome back."

Dr. McCoy pushed past Kirk and reached for Sanaa. "I tell you, the whole group of you are bugging me! He's fine, she's fine, just as I told you they would be! Now, if you will all excuse me, my goddaughter and I are going to go have fruit and she's going to tell me about her trip. Sytar, you come along."

"No thank you, Dr. McCoy," Sytar said.

Dr. McCoy shrugged and immediately began talking to Sanaa as he carried her away, "Would you like to stop by your godmother's and see her? We could ask her if she wants to come have fruit with us..."

Kirk bent down to look at Sytar face to face, "Sytar, I believe that is just about the saddest face that I have ever seen you make. What's wrong, Buddy?"

"He has not responded well to having to bid his brother farewell," Spock stated.

"I know what will cheer him up!" Kirk suggested, "Uncle Jim can take you to meet more pretty ladies. You haven't met all of the ones on the ship, yet." Sytar tried to keep himself from grinning, but he was failing fast. Kirk grabbed him up from the ground and told Spock, "The two of you go get comfortable. I know that it may take a little while for your bodies to get used to the sense of time."

Nyota nodded and smiled, "Thank you, Captain."

"You can call me by name, Uhura. She's as bad as you, sometimes, Spock," Kirk said.

"Captain, was that a negative remark about my wife?" Spock asked. His tone was even, but his eyes meant business.

"It was a joke," Sytar said and rolled his eyes in disbelief.

"The kid knows his Uncle Jim," Kirk said. Then, he stared at Spock for a moment longer, then asked, "So, you _are _alright? I mean, everything's well within you now? Your logic and control have returned? Your... um... issue has been dealt with?"

"I am maintaining best functioning capacity that I ever have had the opportunity to experience," Spock said.

Kirk sighed and mumbled, "Definitely sounds like Spock." He watched him a moment longer, then commented, "It's just... You look different, Spock. You look so... happy."

Spock tilted his head, then looked at Nyota. She shook her head and said, "Don't let him get to you. You look as collected as ever before."

"Thank you, my wife," Spock replied.

Sytar cleared his throat and reminded Kirk, "I do not see any new pretty ladies, Uncle Jim."

Kirk's eyebrows shot up and he said, "Well, I guess that's my cue. I'll see both of you in a little while."

Nyota laughed and said, "Sytar is too much for me. Our son is a six year old playboy. That's pretty scary."

"I think that it is more alarming that our captain and our six year old son share the same interests," Spock said.

"In speaking of our captain, you _do _realize that he has not let the issue rest, right? He is going to question you deeper when I'm not around."

Spock simply told her, "He will receive no information about my personal matters."

"We've been doing a lot of opening up, lately. Tell the truth, have you and Kirk ever talked about..."

"Nyota, this conversation is in need of termination."

She gasped, chuckled and cried out, "You have! What was said?"

"I accidentally told Jim, one night that I found it most difficult to deny you when you wear green. It led to a barrage of inappropriate questions from both the captain and Dr. McCoy, but they did not receive much more information than that. They kept using the inefficient phrase "turn on" to describe becoming sexually aroused. Their frequent usage of said phrase irritated me."

Nyota laughed out loud and a few crew members passing by looked at she and Spock, walking through the corridors, _holding hands! _Then, Nyota leaned unto Spock and placed her head on his shoulder. "I have a question, Nyota," he said.

"Ask away."

"Were you telling me that I look collected to spare me shame?"

She answered, holding her arms out, "You look collected."

"It would not displease me to look happy, Nyota... Not to look happy when I am with you."

She looked at his face, "Spock, that is one of the sweetest things that you have said to me, and it makes my heart jump inside of my chest... and you still look completely collected." Spock made a wincing face and she suddenly became alarmed. "Are you alright?"

"This is not a smile, is it?" He asked. She stared at him, distorting his face, slightly in various ways. She laughed and his lips curled slightly into a smirk. "Ah, yes. This feels like it. I have never did it purposefully, so trying to do so actually proved difficult."

She poked him in the side and said, "You know that you know how to smile."

"Every smile that I have had has been completely by accident," Spock stated.

They went on walking and talking, all the way to their quarters. Nyota felt like there were miles upon miles put behind them. This was the first time, from the different times that they had left the ship for a while that they actually came back onto the ship and had plans to spend time together, when they did. Usually, Spock returned to the ship, changed into his uniform and immediately went back to the bridge. This time, he had already promised her that he would not return to his work until it was required of him. He claimed that he would spend as much time with her as was allowed.

Nyota smiled. Spock had come a long way. So had she... they had come a long way, together. She felt with all confidence that the worse part of their life together was now over. Nothing worse than what they had already been through would ever come up against them, and they had made it. From now on, she had no doubt whatsoever that anything could ever jeopardize their relationship again.

She stopped him just outside of the door of their quarters and threw her arms around his neck. Spock did not understand why she could not just wait until they made it inside of the quarters, but instead of questioning her about it, he simply returned the gesture. She backed away, slightly, with him still in her arms, to look upon his face. "I love you," she said softly to him. He found himself slightly smiling. It had been accidental, yet again, but genuine. There was nothing else he would rather be doing at the moment. He pressed his forehead to hers, then opened the door to their quarters, held her hand and guided her inside.

**The End**


End file.
